Hush007

Minnie,

That shell you are talking about,...it may keep the pain out but it also keeps the love out sweetie. You can never experience love to the fullest if you keep this shell around you. You have to open your heart. Yes,... sometimes you will be hurt,... but the love you get makes it all worth while.

I know you will be loved some day,... but try to open up sugah'. I think you are a lovely person and you deserve far more than this. Life has to offer so much more. But you have to be receptive.

Superbig hug,

Philip

ps: Keep posting,... we'll be here for you.

stone

Hi Minnie, I hope you are feeling OK.

'Youre all right, i need to stop beating myself up.'

That is the most important thing in my opinion, you need to give yourself a break. Everyone here likes you and no-one is down on you at all if you slip. You might not like yourself much but how come we all like you? Because you are nice likeable person, that's why!

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Missminime,

There was a long time that I thought I would never be able to get sober an here I am.

Please know that there IS hope, on whatever path you choose to tread.

Be gentle with yourself,

Hugs,

Ted

Talluleh

Hi Minnie, sorry I haven't caught up to this thread to now. Lots of good advice on here already so all I will say is that I hope you keep posting, this is tough stuff but there are many who have been through alot of what you are going through.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you. 69 days was amazing, keep that in mind and be proud of it. 1 day is JUST as amazing, keep that in mind too.

gypsytears

Hope you're feeling better Mini . You know... I really do think you would benefit from a visit to your doctor. I know you mentioned being uncomfortable since he's a family friend (is that right?) But... it's his profession to care for people. I'm sure your information is confidential. He may have other suggestions for treatment that we are unaware of out here in cyber world. Women For Sobriety btw seems to be a bit different than AA... different way to the same goal. Anyway... just wanted see how you are today .

hope3

Hi minni, gypsy is right. If you really feel uncomfortable seeing

your family doctor, go see a different one. Hugs, hope3

Nuudawn

Hi Minnie,
First of all I will strongly disagree with the sentiment that you don't bring anything to this forum. You actually bring a lot. When I read your original post I related to so much of what you said. I am truly amazed at how well you can articulate your pain...the honesty you put forth in what you know to be true for you. That's the stuff that makes recovery for me. Hearing that others share the same pain, neurosis and insecurities I do.
What you are desperately seeking is what you are resisting....nope not necessarily AA. You want intimacy (that's where the sex comes in). Been there, done that a million times. I've gone into full on panic in my relationships when they've said "no" (cuz they're tired or whatever) to sex because that is all I was ever comfortable giving. I desperately craved intimacy and affection but I could not offer up myself in that way. What AA provides is human contant...what us lonely drunks need. But there are other ways to start putting yourself out there to love and be loved...women in sobriety, church, volunteering ..whatever. You need people honey. I know you don't want to hear that. I have just started to wonder if I have ever truly loved..I don't think I have. It is only in sobriety/recovery that I am starting to know what that is. Loving is extending yourself. We drunks have no idea how to do that. I loved drinking cuz I could stay alone behind my walls..the booze cursing thru my brains and veins made my aloneness much more amuzing and tolerable. You are not an island honey...you need love and intimacy, human contact and affection. I know you don't want to go to AA... I sooo wish I had another answer where you could find people who will extend their hands to you whilst you learn to love and respect yourself.

My heart breaks for you...because I see so much of myself...my thoughts and fears and wrong thinking..in you. The difference is....you are much more aware and honest about it than I ever was. Thank you for that. Don't ever think you are not contributing here. Your post made me feel less alone...in the hell I too struggle with. I find tremendous comfort in knowing we are all a screwed up and terrified, fallible lot at times.

Missminime

thank you eveyrone. i wish i didnt post now but iheave to.

i need someone to talk to. imdtunk as hell. sorry. i dunno what to do. i hATE my life i hate everythinf. sorry. sorry,

im sorry, i will regret this in the morning. im so sorry again

Missminime

nuudawn thank you. i read yur post. thank you. its a comfort. damn all these tupos- almost 3 monshts and i fall thids hard.. i tried to kill myself with alcohol today, i wished i died. i know this is the worng forum. guess it should be menaal helth. but damn i will hate msyelf even more in the morning.

Hush007

Minnie?

Are you ok honey? Come on girl,... you should really get back on the wagon. Get some help. Please,...I could say "Do it for us" wich is true,...I would love it if you would do that for us. But the truth is, you have to do it for yourself.

You are a beautiful young girl and you can really get so much out of life. The only thing it takes is stop drinking. No matter what problems there are (besides the drinking), you can solve them way better when you are sober!

Do your "timezone fellow" and the rest of "the gang" a favor and give yourself the most beautiful present there is,...a sober life.

Big kiss,

Philip

ps: Even if you feel hungover,... can you please post something here so we all know you are all right. I'm worried about you sugah'.

Missminime

Ok so... after drinking as much as i did last night.. and after being suicidal when drunk i really dont want to drink again. I was even more depressed in the end of the night then i am sober. Im hungoverd as hell. I lost my cellphone again. bought it like 2 weeks ago.

Talked to my parents, told them that i have a problem and they are really worried. They havnt even noticed anything else but me being low from time to time. They had no idea about my drinking problem since im not living at home.

Anyways they are taking me to the doctor. they will make an appointment on monday. closed today.

im sorry for everything guys. im a wreck and i think ive hitted the bottom. i thought i had... but starting to drinking again shows me that it just got worse.

oh god the regrets from last night. and the headache today. im shaking damnit. i didnt miss this during my 69 sober days :P

barb dwyer

I'm relieved to hear about going to your parents, Missi ... and about the doc.

It's a GOOD thing, really.
I know you think everyone's gonna be all down on you, and eat up with the 'do this' don't do that' stuff, but it's not like that at all, really.You're going to be amazed how much acceptance you find in recovery. Truly.
Acceptance.
One of the things we were looking for in bottles.

Bottom for me was losing man, job, friends; and waking up on the bathroom floor all bloody - an empty bottle of vodka on the kitchen counter and not a single pill left in the house...
Don't go there, hon.
Be smarter than me, okay?
Make this ... the bottom.

You can.
We're here!

gypsytears

Oh mini...You need a hug. Can you see how many people here care about you? I do and I never met you . But your posts have touched me so and I really want you to know that.

It took a lot of courage to go to your parents. I'm glad they are taking you to the doctor. I do believe it's an important step in getting well. It took a lot of courage coming on here and telling us about drinking. Read your posts again... you don't have to feel that pain again if you quit.

You are strong and intelligent... and you can do it mini. You did make it through 69 days already... that's amazing.Some people can't go 69 minutes w/o drinking. You know how to do it and I hope you do. I hope you stay with us and we can all help each other .

mikel60

"feel like everyone in the room just wants me out of there. that they hate me. Noone knows me better then me, AA will not work for me. I will after years still feel like noone wants me there."

Hi Minnie,
Boy oh boy. That's me talking. To this day I go to meetings and I still believe that noone likes me or wants me around. No kidding - sometimes if my daughter doesn't want to sit with me my initial reaction is that she hates me. She's two!! What is wrong with me?
We're alcoholic, Minnie, that's our problem. My mind, and perhaps yours too, is conditioned to believe the absolute worst about ourselves. Why that is I don't know. But it is true. I struggle with this daily. Whenever good things happen, and there are lots of them now, my mind immediately goes into attack mode; "You're no good, Mike. You're a loser, Mike. You don't deserve these kids. Who do you think you are going back to school? You s***. Go have a drink you idiot loser."
That's how I think. I also thought I'd rather be dead than go to AA. I thought that when I was 20, like you. I did go, but it took 16 more years of abject misery and self-abuse.
At least you're trying, Minnie. I never did. You'll find your path, I'm sure. Mine happened to be AA. It helps me defeat the voices in my head. Whatever you do, keep looking. There's a lot of ways to recover and I hope you find yours. Keep posting, and keep searching. You will find your truth and there you will find recovery. Thanks for the open and honest posts. They keep me striving to be honest.
Mike in Boston

stone

Yay!!!! Going to the docs!!!! I am so pleased about that.
Cyber hug time!!! lol

hope3

Me to minni, mega hugs... hope3

Talluleh

Minnie, I'm so glad you told your parents, that shows SO MUCH courage! You shouldn't be alone in this, you aren't alone in this. I'm glad you posted.

When you said "I was even more depressed in the end of the night then i am sober" it really struck a cord for me. It's true with me, when I am drunk my feelings do come out but they are so much more elevated. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up the next morning thinking "What the hell".

Get some rest, drink lots of fluids.

teej

Hiya mini!!!
Hang in there girl, you can beat this thing. Stay strong and KEEP reaching for help. I'm happy to hear that you told your parents and will be going to the doctor. I'm very proud of you!!!
And if it took getting ripped in order to tell your parents and ask for help, then I'm glad it happened.

leeside

Reasons not to drink!

hope3

Good morning Minni, I have a full day at work and then I

have class tonight. Just wanted to say good morning and

I'm glad you are going to go to a doctor.

Hugs ((((((((((Minni)))))))))) hope3