Musings on fear...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 98
Musings on fear...
One of my biggest obstacles to keeping my resolve for sobriety -and one which I've noticed in several threads here- was borne of fear.
I don't tend to be skittish or fearful. Like many people here, I am not averse to risks. Hell, I once jumped out of an airplane (yes, with a parachute!) and even learned to fly planes while I was pretty inebriated. I'm not afraid of confrontation, as some here have witnessed by a few of my posts. And I know I'm not alone here in having a certain degree of bravado. We all have varying degrees of professional successes, personal successes, etc, all of which come from a place of confidence and risk-taking. Of course, we all have different bottoms, and I cannot express how much respect I have for those who have truly lost everything, who have picked up, moved, moved on, and are travelling to unforeseeable futures. That takes guts!
As a drunk, some of my fears about sobriety were: What will I do with my time? How will I cope in social situations? How will I cope with being alone? How will I have fun? What if I'm boring when I'm sober? What will others think when I tell them that I cannot drink? Will they think I'm weak? The list goes on, but I'm sure you get the gist.
I have always preached and known that, despite my Machiavellan tendencies in my professional life, and despite my fear of sobriety, fear is a horrible motivator. It's a negative emotion that rarely brings positive results. Fear moves one away from accomplishments rather than towards them. Of coure, we can exclude extreme cases like, "what do you do if a bear chases you?"
I am an athiest, so I will not say that I am overcoming my fears of sobriety by putting my faith in God. I am slowly coming to understand "Higher Power" talk, but I'm still hesitant to say that I'm putting my faith in a Higher Power.
I suppose I faced my fears in the same way that I jumped out of a plane: just do it and face the consequences. Face the fears or die succumbing to them. As for drinking, I have more to lose if I continue to let my addiction rule my fears. I'm happy to say that I haven't lost my sometimes twisted sense of humour, I'm more comfortable in social situations than I was as a drunk, boredom has behoved me to spend my time more constructively and satisfactorily than drinking ever produced, and even though I have bouts of loneliness, I'm happier to be alone than I ever was in empty, meaningless, distracting social situations (including romantic and erotic ones).
It might be instructive for us all if some of you shared how you are overcoming...or how you overcame...your fears of sobriety.
Earl
I don't tend to be skittish or fearful. Like many people here, I am not averse to risks. Hell, I once jumped out of an airplane (yes, with a parachute!) and even learned to fly planes while I was pretty inebriated. I'm not afraid of confrontation, as some here have witnessed by a few of my posts. And I know I'm not alone here in having a certain degree of bravado. We all have varying degrees of professional successes, personal successes, etc, all of which come from a place of confidence and risk-taking. Of course, we all have different bottoms, and I cannot express how much respect I have for those who have truly lost everything, who have picked up, moved, moved on, and are travelling to unforeseeable futures. That takes guts!
As a drunk, some of my fears about sobriety were: What will I do with my time? How will I cope in social situations? How will I cope with being alone? How will I have fun? What if I'm boring when I'm sober? What will others think when I tell them that I cannot drink? Will they think I'm weak? The list goes on, but I'm sure you get the gist.
I have always preached and known that, despite my Machiavellan tendencies in my professional life, and despite my fear of sobriety, fear is a horrible motivator. It's a negative emotion that rarely brings positive results. Fear moves one away from accomplishments rather than towards them. Of coure, we can exclude extreme cases like, "what do you do if a bear chases you?"
I am an athiest, so I will not say that I am overcoming my fears of sobriety by putting my faith in God. I am slowly coming to understand "Higher Power" talk, but I'm still hesitant to say that I'm putting my faith in a Higher Power.
I suppose I faced my fears in the same way that I jumped out of a plane: just do it and face the consequences. Face the fears or die succumbing to them. As for drinking, I have more to lose if I continue to let my addiction rule my fears. I'm happy to say that I haven't lost my sometimes twisted sense of humour, I'm more comfortable in social situations than I was as a drunk, boredom has behoved me to spend my time more constructively and satisfactorily than drinking ever produced, and even though I have bouts of loneliness, I'm happier to be alone than I ever was in empty, meaningless, distracting social situations (including romantic and erotic ones).
It might be instructive for us all if some of you shared how you are overcoming...or how you overcame...your fears of sobriety.
Earl
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
I'm just doing it one day at a time and trying not to get inside my head too much right now. When I have more time under my belt, then I can. But for now, I'm comfortable in my skin and not really afraid of anything but a slip.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Earl, I was never afraid of getting sober. I was desperate, I had a real fire under my a** so to speak.
What will I do ? How will I have fun ? How will I cope ? Although these entered my mind, I really didn't care how they turned out as long as I could quit drinking. I was willing with a capital W.
I do the same thing, just modified a little. My Higher Power sometimes provides opportunities. I act upon them, and let Him decide the outcome. Have faith->Make a decision->Let God figure out the outcome, I've done what I can.
As far as your struggling with the HP thing, you're not alone. If you can just believe a tiny little bit, you'll be amazed. Once you take this step, and see "proof", you will "Come to Believe". At least that's what happened with me.
Hey, I've gone skydiving too ! One of my best friends is a private pilot. Someday I hope to buy a Rand and put a tail number on it.
One last word. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid of something, and doing it anywat.
What will I do ? How will I have fun ? How will I cope ? Although these entered my mind, I really didn't care how they turned out as long as I could quit drinking. I was willing with a capital W.
just do it and face the consequences
As far as your struggling with the HP thing, you're not alone. If you can just believe a tiny little bit, you'll be amazed. Once you take this step, and see "proof", you will "Come to Believe". At least that's what happened with me.
Hey, I've gone skydiving too ! One of my best friends is a private pilot. Someday I hope to buy a Rand and put a tail number on it.
One last word. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid of something, and doing it anywat.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Good topic Earl, I wish I had more to share on it, I was scared to death to get sober for the same fears you had, once I got sober and started working the steps they have dissappeared, I had a fear which actually drove me to stop drinking, that was a fear of dying an alcoholic death.
I had a fear of losing my family, that is now gone.
I had a lot of fears while I was drinking, none of them were irrational with the exception of a fear of not drinking. At the time I shared the common fear of all active alcoholics I think, what will happen to all the fun I have been having?
Talk about an irrational fear, the fun for me had been gone for years, now that I am sober I look back and see "The thrill was gone" and had been for years and replaced with having to drink just to not feel bad, feeling good from drinking was a thing I had not had in a very long time.
I had a fear of losing my family, that is now gone.
I had a lot of fears while I was drinking, none of them were irrational with the exception of a fear of not drinking. At the time I shared the common fear of all active alcoholics I think, what will happen to all the fun I have been having?
Talk about an irrational fear, the fun for me had been gone for years, now that I am sober I look back and see "The thrill was gone" and had been for years and replaced with having to drink just to not feel bad, feeling good from drinking was a thing I had not had in a very long time.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
Talk about an irrational fear, the fun for me had been gone for years, now that I am sober I look back and see "The thrill was gone" and had been for years and replaced with having to drink just to not feel bad, feeling good from drinking was a thing I had not had in a very long time.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Earl,
My entire life was motivated by fear, 100 forms of fear. Even in sobriety, up until 9 years ago I was as full of fear as someone could be. You name a fear, I had it.
Nine years ago I worked for a large corporation. I had been there 20 years and always envisioned working ther until retirement. I had one daugher in college and one getting ready to go. Low and behold, I was downsized. Fro two weeks I cried, so fearful of not only the financial implications, but also afraid that I would never find another job. You see, regardless of the awards I'd been given, the pats on the back, etc., I still thought of myself as worthless.
Well, my life changed when, I made a connection with the company I work for now. My friends had encourage me, sent me all sorts of little sayings that were meant to lift my spirits. When I look back on it now though, I see that I lived through my worst nightmare. My biggest fear had always been losing my job, and it became reality.
It was pointed out to me in a passage I read somewhere that there are really one two kinds of fear: Fear of losing something we already have and fear of not getting something we really want. I say this only for me, but when I read that, it made a lot of sense. I went back and wrote down all my fears, going back as far as I could remember. I was surprised to see that all of my fears could be classified in one of the two categories. Again, just for me, this helped me a great deal. It led me to look at my fears not a this whirlwind of thousands of thing floating around in my head, but as two simple things.
I stress again that this outlook has helped me deal with my fears much more easily than I ever did before.
Fear of losing something I already have.
Fear of not getting something I really want.
It almost seems too simple. For me though, it works.
Yours in sobriety,
Ed
My entire life was motivated by fear, 100 forms of fear. Even in sobriety, up until 9 years ago I was as full of fear as someone could be. You name a fear, I had it.
Nine years ago I worked for a large corporation. I had been there 20 years and always envisioned working ther until retirement. I had one daugher in college and one getting ready to go. Low and behold, I was downsized. Fro two weeks I cried, so fearful of not only the financial implications, but also afraid that I would never find another job. You see, regardless of the awards I'd been given, the pats on the back, etc., I still thought of myself as worthless.
Well, my life changed when, I made a connection with the company I work for now. My friends had encourage me, sent me all sorts of little sayings that were meant to lift my spirits. When I look back on it now though, I see that I lived through my worst nightmare. My biggest fear had always been losing my job, and it became reality.
It was pointed out to me in a passage I read somewhere that there are really one two kinds of fear: Fear of losing something we already have and fear of not getting something we really want. I say this only for me, but when I read that, it made a lot of sense. I went back and wrote down all my fears, going back as far as I could remember. I was surprised to see that all of my fears could be classified in one of the two categories. Again, just for me, this helped me a great deal. It led me to look at my fears not a this whirlwind of thousands of thing floating around in my head, but as two simple things.
I stress again that this outlook has helped me deal with my fears much more easily than I ever did before.
Fear of losing something I already have.
Fear of not getting something I really want.
It almost seems too simple. For me though, it works.
Yours in sobriety,
Ed
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
At the end of my drinking, my biggest fear was of being me. I don't think I started for that reason but in the end, it was thee reason I drank. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had no flippin clue. I realized that alcohol had stolen that (and so many other things) from me. I know I used to know who I was before alcohol overwhelmed me in every way. I had no hopes or aspirations anymore. I doubted I even had a personality or identity without it. When that realization hit, it truly shook me cuz I knew..at the very least...that was unlike me...the me I used to know and appreciate when younger. I had drive and determination and I loved people and adventure etc. I had none of those things in the end. The very thing I was most afraid was what I desperately needed to find again...come hell or dark water. I'm still lost and struggling in many ways...but I feel "her" again...like a long lost friend I'm so anxious to welcome back in my life.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Good thread, I guess i would have to say
my biggest fear of of getting and staying
sober was fear of failing. Next I was afraid of
turning into a grumpy, argumentative meanie.
I was afraid of not being happy, (beleive that).
I am happier than I ever would have guessed.
I am not afraid to fail anymore.
I am less grumpy than I have ever been.
Iguess we really shouldn't fear, what we
don't really know, is the moral of my story.
hugs, hope3
my biggest fear of of getting and staying
sober was fear of failing. Next I was afraid of
turning into a grumpy, argumentative meanie.
I was afraid of not being happy, (beleive that).
I am happier than I ever would have guessed.
I am not afraid to fail anymore.
I am less grumpy than I have ever been.
Iguess we really shouldn't fear, what we
don't really know, is the moral of my story.
hugs, hope3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: north of Boston
Posts: 130
All of your fears are my fears. I also fear (get this one) that when I don't drink, I have too much energy. I haven't had a drink in 6 days. I came home from work today and cleaned my house from top to bottom. I think I slip up when I feel the need to calm down. I have to figure out how to handle all this energy. I know that having a lot of energy is a very good thing, I just have to figure out what to do with it all.
I want to express that this site helps me so much. My husband drinks. He is lucky because he can drink and not act like an idiot. I think he drinks too much, but that is for him to figure out. He knows what I go through, and supports me, but I think he really doesn't want me to stop drinking because we have fun when we drink (another fear - will I have no fun, will I be no fun?) The sight and smell of his cognac makes me want a drink so badly. When I come here and read the threads, it really helps. Thanks.
Love, Kit
I want to express that this site helps me so much. My husband drinks. He is lucky because he can drink and not act like an idiot. I think he drinks too much, but that is for him to figure out. He knows what I go through, and supports me, but I think he really doesn't want me to stop drinking because we have fun when we drink (another fear - will I have no fun, will I be no fun?) The sight and smell of his cognac makes me want a drink so badly. When I come here and read the threads, it really helps. Thanks.
Love, Kit
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