GlassPrisoner

The fog has lifted. Sometimes the stark reality of this whole thing sets in.

I lost my job, my house, my wife, my children left my home, both my cars were in dis-repair. My best friend of 30 years didn't like to be around me.

I had a swollen, fatty liver and pancreitus. I'd retch every morning, and was down to 120 lbs. The alcohol was attacking my nervous system. I had Alcoholic Neuropathy . The lack of blood in my joints had caused Avascular necrosis. If I didn't have alcohol in my system constantly, withdraw would set in within 4 hours.

I am not making this up, nor am I exaggerating. This really happened to me.

By the Grace of God, I survived, and I am recovering. Yet I am not alone, there are many out there like I was. Many of them are here and share similar stories.

This is serious stuff. This is not a matter of will power, it's not a little drinking problem, it is a matter of life and death. Most outsiders just don't see it like this, in it's raw, shocking, powerful truth.

It's like looking at the burning wreckage of a jumbo jet, and saying "I was in that mess of twisted steel...."

Sorry to be so serious, but it just flat out boggles my mind to look at it in black and white like this.

barb dwyer

Thanks Glass.

It is worth thinking about. I've heard others say in the rooms time and time again, "I don't ever want to forget what brought me here."

I don't want to forget either.

Is God good, or what???

barb

zJoe99

You're right - that IS stark. This disease is no joke. I'm grateful you're still with us to share your story. I was fortunate not to have suffered the physical consequences you did. I was sure headed that way though. I'll come back and reread your post whenever I find myself becoming apathetic about recovery.

I read somewhere that our brains have an natural tendency to remember the positive aspects of our chemical abuse and to forget the negative consequenses over time. I don't ever want to forget the pain alcohol caused me. Hearing stories like yours reminds me of my own pain and what can happen if I'm not diligently working my recovery program.

RedFox

Reading what you posted makes me think I really need to stop now before I end up in a major health crisis. I'm trying to stop before anything horrible happens because I know it's just a matter of time. Reading stuff like this makes stopping a little more of a priority, kind of smacks me back into reality. My counselor said the other day that a lot of people in my position see the train wreck coming but don't get out of the way fast enough. I'm working my way off the track right now.

Thanks for the post.

Hush007

GP,

Wow dude! You've come a long way! It's good to remember all the bad stuff. It will keep you on your toes in the future. Keep it op brother!

Philip

paulmh

Thanks GlassPrisoner. A great way to focus the mind as I start my day.

Talluleh

GlassPrisoner, thank you for posting that. If that doesn't help keep me sober today then I don't know what else would.

Tazman53

GP what you say is so true, in order to maintain our sobriety we must never forget where we were when we stopped, we need to keep it fresh in our minds and one of the best ways of doing that is to share it. This does 2 things, it reminds us of where we came from and it helps those who hear it either remember being there or know where they could have wound up if they did not stop when they did.

Physically I had not gone down hill as far as you.... except maybe my liver which according to the doctor was still in the fatty liver stage, but was close to reaching the early stages of cirossis of the liver when I quit.

I had other physical signs, the bloating, the swollen tender liver, the permanent blood shot eyes, loose bowel movements, permanent heart burn, etc.

For me the physical need (addiction) to alcohol. the mental obsession (my life revolved around alcohol), and the spiritual malady (Lose of caring about anything or anybody) were killing me and my family.

I saw death in my future.

We all have different bottoms, it is crucial for those of us whose bottom that was not as deep as others to listen to those who went further down into the bowels of alcoholism to remind us that if we pick up again that is where we will be headed.

GP you are so right when you use the word stark!

In order for us to intially get sober we had to be brutally honest with our selfs and see what we were doing to our selfs and realize that we were going to not only lose every thing, but that we were going to die if we did not stop!

As you have pointed out very well I might add if we quit being brutally honest about the stark reality of what alcohol does to us, we will drink again.

I have to say that I feel that one of the main reasons that meeting goers make it is because they have the reminders of where they were and where they could have gone right in thier face on a regular basis.

The cyber world is good, but it is not total reality, it is one thing to read someones story, but it is quite different to hear and see in the persons face all of the emotions and pain.

Written words can not even come close to conveying what I get from being there in reality when some one shares.

Cyber world can come fairly close to conveying the pain of the disease and the joy of recovery, but stark reality of actually hearing the pain in the voice of some one sharing the pain, hearing the hesitation, the stuttering, the emotions, seeing the tears and the pain in real life is what really keeps it all fresh in my mind.

I can honestly say though that seeing the sparkle in someones eyes, the smile on thier face, hearing them laugh, that sells me on sobriety!

CarolD

I almost lost my sanity with years of

"I'm a functioning alcoholic"

Recovery is a miracle!

gypsytears

Thanks for your post Glass. I didn't experience the same problems you describe so vividly... but I know that I could have very easily. Reading things like that help me focus on staying alcohol free so that I may never. Thanks again. I'm so glad you're here .

teej

Great thread GP!
Seems the more time that goes by, the less I remember this part. So thank you for the reminder. Posts like this one will be good for everyone to read.

zJoe99

That "functioning alcoholic" deception almost cost me my sanity and life too, Carol. I first heard the term years ago in a court ordered treatment program. Something must have clicked in my brain "Oh, great. I don't have to quit drinking - I'll just be aspire to be a functioning alcoholic". Says a lot about the insanity of our disease that that was the only thing I got out of that program.

It was like a free pass to continue drinking. I told myself that If I maintained a certain level of control, kept employed and didn't get arrested again - I didn't have to deal with my drinking. In my twisted thinking, as long as I was functioning then it was ok to drink like an alcoholic.

Of course, over the years I continuely lowered the bar on my definition of what "functioning" meant.

Sugah

GP, I remember when I was just a little over a year sober and my sponsor dragged me to a half-way house to give a lead. The typical hour limit was thrown to the wind & I was told to talk as long as I needed to tell the whole story.

Several times within that lead, the stark reality hit me and hit me hard. I remember saying, "My GOD, I shouldn't be here today. I should be dead."

When we were driving home, I was apologizing to my sponsor for not being too "together" and she told me, "Sometimes, we give a lead to help others. Sometimes, we do it because we need to do it for ourselves. Today was both."

May you -- we -- never forget!

Peace & Love,
Sugah