Scared
 

I messed up. Got home last night at around 2 am smashed. Fiance pissed.

Hosted clients at a basketball game. Open bar. Should have known better than putting myself in that position...

Unreal as to how quickly one can go back into hell.

Day 1 starts today.

Sorry to hear that Torontoguy :(.

Other than putting yourself in that position with an open bar... what else was going on?

I was with people that were used to me drinking... Drinking lots.

Toronto,

"Should have known better than putting myself in that position...

Unreal as to how quickly one can go back into hell."

Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water" kind of thing.

I don't know whether you attend AA or not. If not and don't want to, find another program or support group that will guide you down the road to recovery. One way or another, the causes and conditions of your malady need to be exposed. You know that drinking is just a symptom of a much deeper problem. Just as a stomach ache is to a virus.

So glad you're back. I hope you find a way that leads to joy and freedom.

Ed

Toronto, sorry to hear about the slip but sounds like you are back to it. Day 1 is a good day, it's much better where you were before.

2am, that's late!!

I love your tagline by the way. My other favourite line "Hope is not a plan".. (Anderson Cooper)

Back to AA I go...
Problem with me is my damn ego..

Ego smeeeeego.. You should still be very proud of your sober time, to me it is a huge accomplishment. See this for what it is, a slip, and get right back on. You are doing that, that to me is being a man.

Thanks Talluleh...
My fiance made it very clear this morning that either I quit or I need to get out....

I hope your desire to quit drinking runs deeper than simply not wanting to lose shelter and your fiance. It's a much harder go if we are not quitting for ourselves. Not drinking changes your whole life and your very being. When I was drinking, my whole life revolved around alcohol. Booze was the condiment for every event and emotion. Suddenly I'm left with a whole lot more time and space in my life....and head full of sharp edged thoughts that still likes to beat the hell out of me sometimes. Sobriety takes work.

TorontoGuy...yesterday is over. It's up to you what you're gonna do with today. And yep, my damn ego was the root of so much evil in my life. The realization that it was what led me to the emotional wreckage that was my life made me realize I could no longer listen to my damn ego...as it loved the path to hell and drama.

Toronto, you were on your 42 - 45 day without a single drink, right? This is important for you for the future, I know it is for me. After six weeks the adverse effects of alcohols are (almost) gone and you feel fresh, invigorated, powerful and ready to deal with anything in your life. Including the drink. The last one is always a mistake.

I come to believe that the vigilance over every dangerous situation (like to one you had) is the key for the sobriety. You could have had the same party and enjoy yourself without having a drink only if you PREPARED yourself for such situation and made a decision, up front, how you're going to handle it.

You simple let yourself into the trap. But, as Talluleh has said, what you're doing is great, you're the man, man :).

Good luck.


.

I just wanted to have this post re-posted again :)
It is so frigging true, word by word that is almost spooky in its beauty.

If we were to compete for a Drunken Idol Best Post I would vote for yours :)

Toronto-
We all make mistakes. The important part is that you are still trying. Keep trying. You have much to offer other people who share the same struggles....

It's time for a fresh start. Keep working at it, and don't beat yourself up.
chip

Thanks for posting that T28, I know you're probably down on yourself today but know that you've given this alcoholic more ammunition when I have my "entrance exam" to sobriety later this month. So something positive did indeed come from your experience.

Oh and regarding the ego - you're not alone of course, that's what got us into this damn mess to begin with remember?

Thanks for the post.

Blessings,
PR

I realise you were in a situation providing opportunity and expectation but I'm curious as to why you gave in? Why did you take the first drink? I'm not trying to be a pita... I'm really concerned for you, myself and anyone else that reads the forum. Hopefully thinking about it will bring some insight so it doesn't happen again (thinking, not dwelling). There's been quite a few relapse threads lately. You had such a great outlook just the other day with that thread about positive things since sobriety (or something to that effect... can't remember the exact title). What changed?

Good gosh Wozzek..please don't feed my nasty ego...LOL. Thank you.
I hope Toronto returns to answer Gypsy's questions. One's own insight is incredibly important.

hey toronto,

i think my daughter may have relapsed. i'll tell you what i told her - "be honest and be humble. call your sponsor and go to a meeting" it happens. we're not perfect. blessings, k

gypsy tears-

It was so weird.. At about 4pm in the afternoon my mind just became obsessed with having a drink... I could not wait to get out of the office and run to a pub for warm up beer with the guys.. Complete insanity. Not sure why I had that first beer..

Torontoguy thank you for your answer. I wonder what you could have done to prevent the drink... not the thoughts of having one... but the actual drinking. Because if you get an urge again I hope you are figuring out a plan to deal with it before giving in.

Torontoguy,

I'm so sorry man! But you did pick yourself up right away, and started over again with a clean slate! And that is something to be proud of! Good luck my friend.

Philip

Well, looks like I finally reached my rock bottom.... Nowhere to go from here other than up....