zJoe99

Today has been a struggle. Been depressed all day for some reason. Spent a couple of hours squirming in my chair this evening while I debated going after some booze. I kept thinking of the relief I would get from a few drinks. Then I would tell myself I have to tough out this bad spell or I'll never get sober. Kept going back and forth like this until I was about ready to cave in. Then it hit me -the liquor store is closed today. It's Sunday!

I'm grateful the liquor stores were closed when this desire to drink hit. Still, this was a very disturbing episode. It exposed how weak my support system is right now. I was wishing I had a sponsor or someone to call. I've been going to meetings almost everyday for the past two weeks and haven't collected a single phone number.

I've met and talked briefly with several people at my AA meetings. I told myself I was doing good and starting to "open up". LOL, what a freaking joke. The only thing I've talked about with these people is trivial crap like the weather or the quality of the coffee. Hell, for all they know I could have 20 years of sobriety. I wish I could just ask someone for a damn phone number and tell them I'm new and stuggling right now.

Instead I just talk about the freaking coffee, lol. I put on my false face and smile and pretend everything is just "fine". Unfortunately, I seem to be building the kind of relationships in AA that I've had everywhere else. Superficial. I've always put up a wall between me and everyone else. When I hear people in AA talk about the 5th step I feel a sense of impending doom. A voice in my head tells me I have no future in AA; there's no way I'll be able to tell another human being the "exact nature of our wrongs".

Well, guess I've rambled on enough. I'm just a bit discouraged tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Looks like I'm going to be forced to make it to day 16, lol.

Joe

CarolD

Hi Joe...Mega Hugs!

When you get to Step 5... you will have
accomplished 1-4 so you will have changed...

Here is a link that might explain your depression

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

I also suggest you ead
"Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"
You usually can find it on the free literature rack.

Way to go on your sober time!

chip

Hi Joe,
I'm glad you didn't drink today. It was a blessing that the liquor stores were closed. This might be a lesson for you....

You spoke about superficial relationships, and I can fully relate. I had to break down some major barriours in my life before I really started getting real help.

Keep working at it. It's great that you were able to stay sober, and learn something about it.

Here's something that I did when I first stopped drinking....

I wasnt' really able to open up to others in a face to face situation. I shared quite a bit here on SR. I was able to open up and really share my gut down feelings here. This really helped me, and later, it was a foundation for me to open up in the rooms of AA.
Have a peaceful night, and a fresh new sober day,
chip

Pilgrim

Hi Joe,

Well congratulations to you!!!

I know how hard it must be to open up and you did just fine writing this message to us. It was so honest and so open. Maybe this is where you feel comfortable sharing right now. That is the magic of this site. If you are ready to tell us what you just said, I think you are going to do fine.

Being tough and staunch isn't going to get you through this one. Not this time. If you don't ask for help, admit a powerlessness, that just makes it so much harder. How does a chap who has always had to show a tough front, a manly exterior, no emotion etc. open up in front of a bunch of strangers? That might be a bit much for now. I can imagine how scary that would be for you. You might be thinking "What if I opened up and couldn't keep my emotions under control?". What if there is so much pain and fear being kept inside that will be hard to control if you open your shell?

You need to give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for telling us how hard it is. I am so so proud of you.

We understand. We all know what you are going through. We are going through it too. You are not alone and telling us more about what it is like will help you. It helps us as well.

Getting some emotions out in the open here in the safety of your own home might get the initial fears out of the way so you can trust yourself to let go in front of others. No hurry eh?

Please please please keep posting and talking to us.

Hush007

Hey Joe,

I'm very happy the liquor stores were closed. Even if you would have gotten some relief by drinking. It would have only been a temporary solution (and a very bad one, if I might add).

The next day your depression would have gotten even worse because of the guilt feeling. Before you know it you start drinking even harder to get rid of that depression again. You see where I'm getting,.... downward spiral.

Keep posting, and keep going to AA. Eventually, things do get better!

I hope you'll feel better soon my friend.

Philip

Hope

I'm proud of you, Joe. That is a huge thing to make it through that!

Talluleh

Joe, I'm sorry you had such a bad day but I'm sure glad that liquor stores were closed. I thought it was only in Canada that you had to go to a specific store to get alcohol and not be able to purchase it in the local variety stores.

I hope you feel better today. Day 16 is here!

findingout

Hey Joe,

Big congratulations on making it to day 16. You should realize that you have proved you don't HAVE to drink 15 days in row, so you don't HAVE to drink today.

Here's a hint, don't worry about the 5th step until you get there. Today, it just doesn't matter.

Tazman53

Joe good job brother, I remember about 6 months ago, I had just got out of detox and they had drilled into my head that if I wanted to stay sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor!

Well alcohol had beat me down like a mangy dog, I was whooped, it was a mental battle to drive by 7-11's and the liquor stores on my way home, I prayed and fought a mental battle all the way home. I hugged my wife and kids and I told them I was going to a meeting, the detox center had given me a "where and when" for my area when I left.

Well my arse was on fire for a drink big time, it was a three alarm fire, but I made it to the meeting, when they asked if there were any new comers at first I thought I would just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted to stay sober so bad I introduced myself "Hi I am Martin I am an alcoholic!" Wow!!! What a relief, I was welcomed with open arms, I asked if someone would be my sponsor and Dave said he would be my temporary sponsor, he gave me his phone number and told me to call him at least once a day even if it was just to say hi! He told me to get numbers at every meeting which I did and he told me to call at least threee drunks a day and he counted as one. He meant sober AA drunks.

Well support and friends came fast and furious, the flames went right down to mere embers and once I started reading the BB and working the steps the fire went out.

Next meeting you go to remember getting those phone numbers is a life and death matter.