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Old 04-26-2003, 08:31 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Kimmie and congratulations on your sobriety so far.

You are using this forum exactly the way it was intended so have no fear.

Your posts are an encouragement to me and other alcoholics who may be where you are right now.

Fear and Guilt very often haunts the alcoholic and can help to perpetuate the vicious cycle of drinking.

AA helped me to break that cycle by showing me how to let go of the past,make amends for my mistakes and look forward to the future.

Many times it is fear of the future and regret for the past that makes living in the present unbearable.

You have shown great courage by even admitting that you need to stop drinking.With committment you dont ever have to pick up a drink again.

Peter.
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Old 04-26-2003, 08:58 AM
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(((Kimmie)))

You are doing great, just take it one day at a time.

and yes, you are using these forums for what are to be used for, support and friendship in recovery.

Keep coming here, post your accomplishments and also post your fears, we are all doing this together!

God Bless. And believe me crying at a meeting is OKAY, I have done it more times than I can count.
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Old 04-26-2003, 04:22 PM
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Just from my first meeting

Hi all, I just came from my first AA meeting. It was I think the hardest thing I've done is a long long time. It was in an old white house. Very dingy and yellow walls from the nicotine. I didn't care though. I could
feel tears well up in my eyes before I even got out of my car. I threw another piece of gum in my mouth to fight back tears. It was a small group, I seated myself off to the corner, and wondered why noone has said hello, or invited me to sit at the group of about 4 tables shoved to gether. I was kind of relieved that they didn't though, because I overheard a few men talking (before the mtg started), and tears came upon me. I turned around and looked through the window in back of me, so noone could see me. There was no way that TONIGHT I could say out loud that I was an alcoholic. I'm sure there w/be another time and place for that. They started it iff by announcing new things, the serenity prayer, and the normal aa rituals. Then this older well groomed man started speaking. He was very angry. He was talking about people owing him money and getting pissed on. Then the next few people started talking about their different problems, 3 more people were talking about family and frineds screwing them over about money, and all of the feelings they had about that. I'm holding back my lump in my throat because I had just spent the afternoon w/my Mom and stepdad. I asked my Dad if I could borrow some money. I owe him money already from 3 yrs ago,a nd have not paiod him back. I have here and there, but I've taken for granted his kindness, because everytime I mention paying hin back, he always says to me "just pay your bills first, sweetie". He wanted to talk to me about the fact that I hadn't paid him anything in over 2 years. It was hard on me. I deserve all of the grilling I get. I was fighting tears then, because I knew that the reason for me not having any money then, and having to ask for more now, is because I spend so much on booze, and cigarettes, cuz I chainsmoke when I drink...
He is going to help me, though, and will probably help me more than I asked, so that I can get caught up, and kind of start a new month fresh. I rushed from their house to get to the meeting. I told my Mom I was going, but not my dad. I know he would understand, buit just didn't feel I could tell him w/out breaking down. When at the meeting, I heard these people talk about the money thing, one guy owed his parents $$$, and he admitted that he could be paying them back w/his drinking money. The whole meeting just seemd like they knew what had just gone on with me, and that it was geared towards me.

One thing that I noticed at this meeting, was that everyone was so kind to everyone, i.e., patting backs, touching knees, etc. It was so nice to see that they all seemed to trust each other and that they could say whatever they wanted to say and however they wanted to say it. When they asked at the end if there was anyone else who would like to speak, I kind of looked at the floor, and felt so many eyes on me. That didn't bother me. My only thing that I'm scared of, is when I DO decide to open up and speak, that I would't be able to because I would start to cry and might not be able to get a grip. I wanted to go to a meeting today, and I chose the one in-town. There is anopther meeting place in a church Rectory that I might feel more comfortable at, but they didn't have a meeting today. In full, I am glad that I went, and I realized that no matter how 'rough' someone appears to be around the edges, they are capable of having compassion and have problems too. I have a long way to go.

I have to pick up roommate at work at 8:00, so I had an hour and 15 minutes to kill....I thought about getting a bottle. Honestly I did. Then I thought about getting some fast food so I wouldn't want to drink anything...But I chose to come home, check my mail, and get on line and type this post. It is sooo hard. It's so over powering in the mind. Physically I am ok. I felt so good today, not lazy like usual, but really good. It's the mind thing thats screwing me. Telling me it's okay, you can handle your problem, you can only just drink once a week, and be okay. I said ..."SELF? bull s***!!!!

So here I am, going on another 24 hours. One day at a time. Thanks, and have a great night all!!!
Kimmie
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Old 04-26-2003, 05:10 PM
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KimmieWho

I'm so haapy to hear that you went to your first meeting, I know how scary it can be, sounds like you had a wonderfull meeting, your choice to come here and talk about it, is exactly how we work the program, talking to another recovering alcoholic, is the basic root of this program, and your chice to do that rather than drink, is right on target.

hang in there, it does get better.
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Old 04-27-2003, 08:38 AM
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Kimmie -

You did great! I know it is scary, but like Jay Walker said, it does get easier, really it does. Just keep taking it one day at a time. One day you will raise your hand to talk, and you will surprise yourself when you do it, that is what happened to me. And believe me, it is okay if you cry.
Have a great day.
And keep coming back.
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Old 04-27-2003, 08:49 AM
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Great work Kimmie.Go ahead and try out a few other meeting.I am sure that eventually you will find one that you feel most comfortable with

Peter.
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Old 04-28-2003, 05:20 AM
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Facing the Truth

Good morning, I'm facing truths of all kinds. I've cried so much over the last 2 days, I'm dehydrated. Wierd things have been going on in my heart and mind. Physically, I'm doing great. No withdrawls that I can see, not really sure what they consist of. Only that my roommate really irritates me. I told her last night that she reminded me of that song that goes something like "you aint much fun since I've stopped drinking"...Sad, I know. I feel bad about that. She understands, though. That song really holds true with alot of things.

I told my parents that I had a problem with alcohol. I bared my soul to them yesterday. They saw it, I think they were just waiting for me to open up with them about it. I feel so silly that I'm almost 40, and I'm depending on my parents support as though I'm 21. Financially, my situation had been really bad lately. The reason for that has been my drinking...I figure on a slow month, I've spent $ 520 per month on drinking. This is only averaging out for 20 days drinking. Mind you, I've drank 4-5 out of 7 days a week. Booze @ $11.00 a pint, 1/2 of the time, I followed that by a half pint, so I'm averaging it to be $14.00 per day of drinking, plus $11.00 in cola plus smokes...$26 x 20 days...That is pretty damn scary.....I've admitted all of my faults to my parents, I feel that I need to be honest about things, and not white wash. After spending the afternoon with them yesterday, and they agreed to help me out, I drove 20 minutes back into town to get my roommate from work. I entertained the idea of getting a bottle. Is it normal for me to want booze almost every hour of every day? Will this temptation ever subside? What can I do to get this wicked temptation out of my mind? Today is day 4 for me. I don't feel any real accomplishment, although alot of you reading this will think it is a great accomplishment. I have so much to learn about this disease. They say that this is a disease, and that I could have inherited this from my biological father. He was a heavy drinker, and dies of a heart attack at about 52. I feel that I have to take the responisbility all on my own for my actions, and cannot hide behind that crutch. I just pray to my Higher Power to have the courage to make the decision NOT to drink for this moment, this hour, and this day. I want to start reaping the rewards of being sober. Sorry for babbling on. I just needed to talk for a few minutes. I am very thankful for this forum, and being able to express myself. Thank you.

Hanging In There...Kimmie
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Old 04-28-2003, 08:00 AM
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Any alcoholic who can resist the awful cravings and stay sober for four days is in my opinion a small miracle.

You should be proud of this accomplishment.

Take heart in the fact that one day these terrible cravings that you feel now will go away soon.But I highly suggest that you continue going to AA meetings and get a copy of the AA "Big Book" and read it.

It is a lso a good idea for you to get some phone numbers from some of the other members so you will have someone to call when the cravings become too unbearable.

As simple as it sounds the telephone technique has helped many alcohols fight off those initial cravings.It worked for me.

Most of all Kimmie just hang on in there ok.As dark as it may seem right now one day things do get better but we have to stay away from alcohol.

Peter.
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Old 04-28-2003, 08:08 AM
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Kimmie -

don't sell yourself short, 4 days is a great accomplishment and I am proud of you!!! it is not easy, no I know that I have been there, but it will get better I promise you that. You have reached out and asked for help and opened up with your parents that is a great thing. Keep reachingout. Find another meeting as Peter suggested get the AA big book and do some reading. You will be amazed how much you can identify with what it says. Start with the stories in the back if you want, that is what I did, and it helped me to understand that I was not alone, there were lots of people out there just like me.

You aer doing great!!! Keep up the good work and keep posting, that is why we are all here, to take this thing one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
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Old 04-28-2003, 02:19 PM
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Kimmie

Your post brings back memories of me telling my folks I was a drunk. I was fearful of their judgment and felt ashamed. Like you, I told my Mom first. I was always closer to her and she tended to be more in touch with her emotions. She helped me prepare for Dad.

When I finally talked to Dad about it, his reaction was not what I expected. He wasn't angry or judgmental. Of course he thought that I never really had a problem, but tried to understand anyway.

Congratulations on four days. Doesn't seem like much, but it sounds like four days longer than you've been able to string together in the past, so that is an accomplishment.

Reaching out to other alcoholics can be great support. As selfish we sound sometimes, we love helping others, if only because we stop thinking about our own problems for a minute. And I have to admit, it warms my heart to "watch" a person's sobriety develop through this forum.

Prayer helps too. You don't need to feel guilty about your past. God will forgive you if you ask Him. He knows what we've done and He loves us anyway.

Good luck to you and God bless.
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Old 04-28-2003, 09:39 PM
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Kimmie

I have shivered and shook it out many times, That's how I phsically got over alcohol. But only the last time when someone took me to aa and dropped me off by myself have I stayed sober and I didn't even know what i was walking into. Take it one day at a time, meaning, anyone can stop drinking one day at a time. Get info on AA in your area and go. Besides, you don't even have to be sober to show up. Only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, I diodn't have that when i got to AA, you already do. AA is for those who have not found a way out of alcoholism. I drank because i liked the effect produced-it made my fear disappear, I believd I was as good as everyone else and I found out early that if I got angry alcohol would make that disappear, but later it truned on me and I got more afraid (cocky), angier and into blind, violent rages, and felt worthless. I drank whixkey and this iole' gal was a loud, crazy, vicous drunk, who could also be fun. Sobriety-freedom from alcohol thru the practice and teaching of the Twelve Steps is the sole purpose of an AA group (adapted from Problems other alcohol-by Bill W.) I do not regret my past and aam most happy to share with anyone. Remember we have all been there vicki
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Old 05-01-2003, 05:57 PM
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Hangin In

It's been a few days since I've posted anything. Partly because I felt guilty and ashamed that I relapsed. Tuesday night I drank. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I should justify why I drank, but I don't know the 'why'. I just know that I did, and am pissed at myself, because today would have been one week sober. Now, I have to start all over again. I feel real good about it though. Once in seven days is a milestone for me. I've been to 2 AA meetings since my last post. I'm feeling more comfortable attending. I have not, however shared at a meeting. I will one day. When the time is right for me. Tonight's meeting topic was about relapse...Imagine that... I get something out of each meeting. For that I am grateful. So I'm back on the wagon, if you will. I know that I can go without, I have to just keep up the faith, and courage NOT to drink. I'm not looking at this like only 2 days sober, as there is no sense in beating myself up about it. I'm looking at it like once in 7 days....Damn I haven't done that in years...Thanks for listening. Thanks for all of your input and words of wisdom. Till next time, Kimmie
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Old 05-01-2003, 08:42 PM
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kimmie

Some friends in the program got me a computer, printer etc., another old friend got me a scanner and now a couple people got together got me DSL and I was having it installed tonight and after installation I saw that you had a message. Relapse is a part of the illness untreated. Why we have directions to follow in the BB is to guard against those things. I do not know what would happen to me if I ever relapsed, if I lived could I make it back? I don't know. It doesn't make you a bad, or wothlesss program, if this gets you to become more convinced, it's a hurrah, actually. You see I was convinced by alcohol, it did me in, I couldn't do it no more but I still wanted to drink (had the obssessionin my mind) for about 2 1/2 months until a gal friend of mine died of cancer and I was going thru it with her and I just had prayed, bargained, rationalized, justified with God, until I exploded and got really mad at Him and then just gave it all up. So the obssession left me for awhile, it was completely gone after working the steps from the Bb for awhile. Alcohol is the great persuader (paraphrased from BB p48) . We start over everyday and every moment of everyday. Keep on keepin on. Above all take it one day at a time (I have good friends today,) vicki
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Old 05-02-2003, 08:28 AM
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Kimmie,dont despair.Just get back up and climb back on the wagon.

We recover when we begin to learn from our mistakes and move on.

Keep going to meetings and start making friends with people in the rooms.Having people we can call when the going gets rough has enormous benefits and can help to prevent us from picking up that first drink.

Hang in there ok.

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Old 05-02-2003, 08:35 AM
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(((Kimmie)))

Don't beat yourself up about this...you are on the right track. And you will make friends at meetings, give it a little time. Just focus on today, not tomorrow and not yesterday...one day at a time .

We are all in this together, no matter how much or how little time we have, we all only have today.

Keep coming back and keep posting.
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