Missminime

Ive been posting in the forum for newcomers mostly until now. Dont think im a newcommer anymore so guess its time to move on

Ok so im having another really bad day.
Im feeling extremly low.
I cant find the strenght to deal with anything and i have so much trouble i have to take care of.

I even called my mom today, she not the person i usually goto when im not feeling ok.
She has always been the reason for me feeling sad and useless, worthelss, ugly etc etc.
I called her today tried to get some help and advice about my appartment.
She has made comments about me being depressed so she knows im not feeling completly ok at the moment,
and today when i called her she said "i dont have time for your problems and you being all depressed. I have a life of my own you know"

Yes.... i do know that. Thats why i always thought, that what i always told myself.
Thats why i never ever talk to someone about my problems and my feelings.
Thats why i never ever ask people for help.
People have lifes of their own.

Things ive been through and feelings i have is too much for other people to take.
Its too much for me to handle so why am i seeking all this attention now?
Why do i feel lonely all of a sudden. Im so horrible and selfish!
I may mention ive been sober for 63-64 days, not sure anymore.
I was feeling great after the first two weeks... And now its just, its too much to take,
I feel so bad for even writing this. I should be able to take care of myself like im used to.
See all the "I" in this text? Why is it always about me these days?
I cant stand this new me. New sober me.

Im completly falling apart and i remember why i was drinking.
Cant remember being happy, but i cant remember being this sad either.
I have a vodka wich i never got rid of. I knew i shouldve just.. poured it out but i couldnt i didnt even think much about it then.
I know why now, i knew i couldnt stay sober.

Hush007

Come on girl! Hang in there. Can't you go to an aa meeting in the neigbourhood or something? If you're having problems, you can always count on all of us over here. You know that. Don't give in to the alcohol. Talk about it with us. Write about your problems and sorrows until your fingers are sore. We'll be here to read about it and give you support and if you want them some pointers. You are NEVER alone,... get it?

A very big kiss,

Philip

TryingisDying

Smash that bottle against the curb..that is not the answer to your problems! Go to a meeting...be with people who understand you. Don't go to the well (your mother) when the well is dry. Prayer and meeting.....get on your knees and humbley ask go to help you!!

stone

Hi Minnie, you do sound down and your mum could have been more helpful in my opinion.
There is nothing wrong with talking about your problems and asking for help. You are doing the right thing by being here, I think most people who become alcoholics have emotional problems that they blocked out by drinking and completely understand what you are going through and are rooting for you. Keep posting please, people here helped pull me through a bad time so I know it can help you too.
Mega hugs Minnie.

TryingisDying

Some other things you might try when you feel this way...journaling, posting, reading, walking, praying, going to a meeting

CarolD

When I feel blue.....I do some or all of these....

Put on jazzy music..sing and dance around the room

Pray....Take a bubble bath...Go for a walk

Cook Chili.....Read the Big Book or Bible

Spray on perfume, slather on make up, wear red

Eat Ice Cream....Call a friend....Go to an AA meeting

anyone else wanna share their “feel better” tips?

Astro

Go to a meeting, be around friends, take a walk or bike ride, read, people watch at the coffee shop, or anything but isolating!

Tazman53

Hon all you have to do is pick up the phone and call your local AA hotline, you think the folks on this board are supportive? We are as supportive as the internet will allow us to be, my heart goes out to you.

Hon I used to sit in my garage all by myself drinking as much as I could every day. Talk about lonely, it was just me and my booze, that was it.

Today I have a ton of friends who know exactly how I felt, they are all sober alcoholics, we laugh, we go out together, we have parties, we eat dinner at each others homes. We have meetings where we learn from each other, we all share our Experience, Strength, and Hope with each other.

Do you know what our favorite thing to do in AA is?

It is letting some one just like you know there is a solution, it is letting a fellow alcoholic know they are not alone, it is showing a fellow alcoholic not only how we got sober, but how we stay sober. We love nothing better then to show other alcoholics how to become happy joyous and free.

mini SR is here for you, but more importantly there are rooms full of people in AA just waiting for you!

Please take a minute and pick up the phone, find out where a meeting is and go, or if you do not want to do that, just call them and tell them you need to talk to someone, they will get some AA ladies over to see you who have been exactly where you are at now and will very happy to show you how they have become happy joyous and free.

I have been where you are at, you are thinking I am just some dumb old sober drunk who doesn't have any idea what you are feeling right now. I drank for 40 years, I spent the last 10 years in absolute misery trying to stop and or moderate my drinking by myself. I know the self hatred, the feeling of be useless, of being weak and lonely, how it feels when I felt the whole world was against me. I know how it feels to not belong.

Thanks to AA all of that is gone, when ever I want to be with people like me who are sober and happy I go to an AA meeting or event. I can call numerous AA friends and all of them understand where I am coming from.

UncleEarl

Hi, Minnie...

Is coming to this board instead of the newcomers board sorta like a graduation step?

You're mom: My mom died when I was 25. She was a GREAT mom! We were best friends, we loved and respected each other, etc. My dad, however, was a different story. My dad was a horrible, belligerent, mean, drunk. When I was in my 30's, my dad finally said (while he was drunk, so he didn't remember), "I loved your mother but I was not a good father. I tried, but I think I failed." I cannot even begin to tell you how much I used to try to please my dad, to make him say, "Great job! I respect you! I love you." No matter what I did, it never happened. He used to blame me and my sister for everything bad that happened in his life.
It took me a long time to realize that my dad, like everyone else, was an imperfect human being. He tried to be a good father, but he, himself, grew up with an abusive, drunk, father. It was the only way he knew. He didn't have the resources that we now have to tell him that there might be a better way to be a parent.
In the end (he died from drinking about six years ago), I forgave him. I never had a good father figure in my life, but he DID try. At least, he told himself that he tried.
In other words, your mom won't change for you. I can promise that she loves you, but she may never be the type of mother that you want or need right now. You can either get angry and drunk, or you can tell yourself that you dont have a strong mother-figure in your life, that your mom is human and has some weaknesses like everyone else, and that you should adjust your expectations accordingly and try to find other outlets for help with your problems.
Because your mom doesn't SEEM to care, it doesn't mean that she DOESN'T care. She just doesn't know what to do.
Does that make sense?

Get over that. Notice how fast it was before you found friends that love you and care for you here? Well....that happens in real life, too. Nobody really wants to listen to a drunk, but a sober person with real problems and real feelings is valuable beyond measure. That's YOU: valuable beyond measure, and don't ever forget that!

The new, sober, you is a brave, intelligent, strong, driven, young woman! The new, sober, you is trying to make GREAT changes in your life. The old, drunk, you, might have been satisfied to get laid and pretend you don't have problems. I'll take the new, sober, you who needs to talk about yourself ANY DAY, over the drunk.

You know what to do with the vodka.
Makes sense that you don't remember being this sad. You used to make yourself numb with alcohol and sex instead of face the sadness. At least your sober feelings are real, not induced by self-medication.

I barely know you, Minnie (though I feel like I know you well), but I have followed your posts here and can tell you not only that you have grown by leaps and bounds, but among those who have come to love and respect you, I'm one of them. Trust being sober. Trust that you will do the right things for yourself when you are sober.

Keep us informed...

Earl

Hush007

Missminime? Can you let us know whether you are allright or not?

Big hug,

Philip

Missminime

Thanks all.
I dont think AA would be a place for me.
I feel im too young, and reading what some have said about it where you get left out as a newcomer kindof scared me off.
I get left outside easy, i dont trust people and i know its stupid... but i always feels like people wanna hurt me.
That their only intention is to make fun of or ye.. just be mean to me. Silly i know but i just cant meet new people.

And thanks for all your tips
I usually does all those things, cook, takes a loong walk, reads, post here
but yesterday i just couldnt. i took a walk home still felt like crap. did make a post here and just feel terrible for doing that.
walked around the house thinking about vodka, life, mom.. and a friend called.
She has been upset for a while cause she found out she prob wont be able to have kids and i understand how sad she must be. Life is unfair, i dont want to have kids and she does. I will be able to have kids - she wont.
I did comfort her for about a hour before she had to hang up. Then i called another friend after logging on msn where he told me that he was feeling really low. They know nothing about how i feel etc. And even tho i sometimes feels like i dont have the strenght to deal with their problems aswell, cause it does hurts me when my friends are sad, it kindof saved me today. Went to bed straight after that.. without any vodka.

I still feel like crap, i feel like i have to talk to someone... about me!
Ive never had this urge to talk about me before. It sucks

Thank you all for your kind words

Missminime

Hi Earl...

Ye it was a big step for me, i was really comfty in the newcomers section.

Im sorry to hear about your parents, im glad i still have both my parents here with me. Even tho they arnt much of mental support. Im pretty much depending on their money. I think thats their way to show love. I have an appartment, i have a car an they pay everything. Guess im blessed but i would love to have some support when i feel low, well you cant have it all. I know she cares, she just does it when it suits her tho. I dont want to become her, and everyone says i will. That you cant avoid being like your parents



I wont stop pleasing everyone, i cant. I need to talk about me so bad, but i have noone close to me who i could share with. Those who cared would only get hurt and those who dont... wouldnt listen lol. My family was upset with me for sounding so negativ on the phone with mom yesterday. So i called my parents and my brother and just chatted a bit. About positive things. How good things are at work, what a great lunch i had at work etc. Just alot of lies.
My friend who is feeling depressed asked me if i was ok and i said that i was just great and he said "Im so glad your always so happy, would break my heart to see you sad and hurt" So promised him im feeling great.
Pretending and lying is so much harder sober.


Haha, sorry but you wouldnt. You would think that old me was happy and enjoyed life. Who wouldnt prefer a person like that over a... actually i have no idea what i am now. Or who i am. Go back to who i used to be..? i was like 14... no thx :P

How can this be better? I used to do ALOT of stupid things, and i admit being a sl*t at parties. Things ive done is just.. i cant believe it. I wouldnt do it sober, and i know thats a bad sign. Ive been in dangerous situations, meeting up with men from online, ended up at the hospital cause ive been beaten up or broke an arm or something. Ive made friends really sad. Always drunk, and i couldve avoid it everytime - by beeing sober. But now i just feel like im falling into tiny pieces and i cant live like this. I cant keep on pretending like i used to and i have no idea what to do instead? I cant just pretend things never happend to me and that im ok, how do i do that sober? I cant just get over it. Will things just heal in time? how long does that take? Does anyone have all the answers? :P


Thank you, that warmth my heart. I guess you know me better then alot of other people does. This is me, this is my life. No lies, no pretending. Its new to me. But sharing is nice to, even tho i feel guilty for bothering other people, i wouldnt come back if i didnt need this.

Lots of Love
// Minnie.

Missminime

Im alive

Lots of hugs back

//Minnie

Pilgrim

Hi Minnie,

Please just stay here with me. I am not as young as you are but I understand what you are going through and I know what you need. You need to be loved and cared for. A mother's love would be best but that isn't going to come no matter how much you want it. That is enough to cause a great deal of damage and you are trying to cope with it all on your own. I am going to be hard now because I care very much about you. You can't do this on your own. You must stop being so brave and strong and you have to stop lying to people around you about being happy. The end of that road is not good.

You have forgotten how low you got when you were drinking because you feel so low today. Remember how we hated ourselves for drinking so much? The remorse the next day? Don't go back there. Stay here with us and stick with the day at a time, hour at a time thing.

What is happening to you is called healing. To heal we go through great pain. We feel like we are going nuts. We wouldn't feel like that unless we were getting better. This is a process that will end well. Hold on for the happy ending. I will be here going through it with you.

I want you to go outside your comfort zone. I know it scares you. Write down the worst case scenario and prepare yourself for that. Do it for me please. Go to a doctor, get an appointment with a counsellor and if you don't like it, don't give up, try again and again until you feel safe and supported. Change doctors if you don't feel completely comfortable. Change counsellors if you don't click. Go to AA even if you have heard stories here. My first meeting was really strange but I went back cos I want the pain to stop, I want to stay alive and I want to be happy. AA works. The only time it fails is when people are not ready to be honest. No one quite understands why it works but it is the life raft in a stormy sea for you right now. Second meeting was really good and now I have some practical tools that really help - the relief is almost immediate.

Stop trying to do this on your own. It won't work. Do you trust me? Do you trust the people here on SR? Then, darling, take our advice. Reach out for help and don't stop until you get what you need. We will be with you on that journey every step of the way.

Missminime

Hi again Dubs!

Thank you for your answer.
This is how i do things - alone.
Ive always been alone.
Thats the only road thats open for me.

AA is not an option, as you said it fails when people arnt preperd to open up and share. and heck i cant! I can here, but in real life.. this is just the first step towards opening up.

I cant tell people around me that im being unhappy. As my friend said it would make him sad. Ive spent all my life being sad, unhappy and in pain. Mentally and physically. I wont make anyone else feel that way.

I remember the regrets i had waking up the day after.... and the shame when i didnt get out of bed for days. People dont trust me when i say i stayed in bed for 3 days but damn i did. When i finally tried to get out i couldnt, had to call my dad to come with some food. I was so ashamed cause i couldnt take care of myself. But im a wreck now, i wont be able to take care of myself if this continues much longer. this isnt much better.

Did i mention that i dont like this new me? Im selfish and sad all the time.
Im just so mad at myself. for all the reasons there is.

And about healing, i cant think straight anymore. I could for a while after the first week. But now its just a big mess in my head again, seems like i cant finnish one thought before next one interupts me.

And yes i do trust you. That you know whats best for you. I trust you when you say AA works for you. It wont for me, and i can do this by myself and if i cant make it on myself.. then i cant make it.

Thanks for your support Dubs. You mean alot to me.
Hugs and love
Minnie

Pilgrim

OK Minnie,

Sorry if it sounded like a lecture. It's just that I don't want you to feel so alone anymore. In the meantime, if this site is your first step, and you are not ready to open up yet, that's OK too. Just stay here with us and keep posting OK? You are not alone here.

Have you read about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome(PAWS)? It might help to understand the disrupted thought thing.

Missminime

Thank you for understanding. I do think im better off alone, or ill hurt people. This sure is my first step, I havnt been drinking since new years eve where i ended up in bed with one of my best friends boyfriends. I knew he was an ass, not to defend myself, but im so sad she had to find out that way. I havnt touched anything with alcohol since. I just quitted 5 years of drinking like that.. alone..

I even turned 20 in jan and i did celebrate it sober, 20 is the age when youre allowed to buy and drink alcohol in sweden so its normally a huge party when someone turnes 20. Ive come this far... 65 days alone.. or with this sites help. Dubs you have been a huge support. Ive been reading pretty much all your posts i think in answerd alot of them.

Maybe i will goto AA in time, but now.. its just wrong. Im nowhere near ready.

No i havnt read about PAWS. Guess i will now

Thanks again Dubs.

Tazman53

Missminime I like many others know where you are at, being alone is what I thought would lead me out of my problems, in reality all I did was wallow in my problems. I have a strong feeling you would be shocked at how young many members of AA there are, in many areas of the world.

I do not Speak Swedish so I could not provide you with where meetings are in your area, but here is a link on AA in Sweden, http://www.aa.se/texter/read.php?id=100797 it has been there since 1956.

Take a few minutes and check out the meetings in your area. Stockholm is much larger then where I live and we have young peoples meetings. There are people as young as 15 in AA.

Your biggest enemy is being lonely.

One of the best ways to avoid relapse is called H.A.L.T. one needs to avoid the following:

Hunger
Anger
Loneliness
Tired

You say you are scared of hurting someone? Who? Asking for help hurts no one, not asking for help hurts only you.

Honesty will set you free, the most important person you need to be honest with is your self, I stayed miserable until I became honest with myself.

Missminme my heart aches for you, I know the pain you are in, I have been there and I know there is a solution to your problems, but until you are ready to stop hurting it can not work for you.

If you honest to God want to stop hurting and are ready to do what is needed to stop hurting I will gladly share with you what stopped my hurting, a friend of mine calls them the healing rooms, the rooms of AA.

Tazman53

Missminime they do have young peoples meetings in Stockholm here is a link to all of the meetings in Stockholm. http://www.aa.se/meetings/stockholm.php

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Mini,

I am 44 years old and just 106 dys sober today. I first got sober in 1989 and stayed clean for over 5 years.

I spent the next 10 years trying to stay sober on my own. It was a terribly lonely and painful time.

Here in my area I am now firmly in AA. Our group welcomes the newcomer, keeps in touch and always engourages, never puts down anyone. The newcomer is our lifes blood. He/She reminds us where we were and does more to help us stay sober than anything else. The newcomer is cherished. This is not to say that the newcomer is mollycoddled, but if a new person is serious we try to help them keep them close to the program.

Since I got sober this time I have not had to drive myself to a meeting. People come to my house and give me rides. Sometimes if I don't want to go it's "shut up and get in the car stupid", but thats' what I needed that day.

It is very distressing to me that some people here have had rocky experiences with early AA. I wish it was not so, but I guess it does happen.

Last night our group drove an hour to speak at the detox where I got sober. It is a blessing to be able to pass the message to those who are still so raw and hurting. I can only hope that someone there was helped by what we were able to convey.

AA may not be for you right now and that is OK. I just wanted to let you know that my experience has been very positive and supportive and I know many many others that have had very good experiences.

Hang in there Mini, I'll be thinking of you today,

Ted