Mercedes1

Hi, I am 64 days today. I have a question on a sponsor or should say lack there of. My first sponsor was chosen on first day to an AA meeting. She came to me. Everyone said get a sponsor so I chose her. It was the first day with her I knew we were not a fit. but that did not prevent me from going through huge guilt on how to end it. I was new, supposed to be "taking" advice, my thinking got me there..yada yada. I found out she was a chain smoker, addicted to prescription drugs, co dependent, man dependant and never really had an alchohol problem to begin with.

I didn't have sponsor for a few weeks after that. Then i chose another one. She led a meeting, didn't smoke. First, no offense to the smokers out there. I used to smoke mself. But when I can't get close to someone just to hear what they are saying because they can't take the stick from their lips or worse, not even smoking can't get close from the "wreak" of smoke from their clothes, hair, breath...,,,that is depressing, unmotivating, nauseating and leading me down another bad path . I did not get this far to be motivated by someone to abstain from drink when clearly they are in bondage of another "addiction"..or "addiction/s". This to me is not a person that has what I want. I need someone FREE, period.

So, off to someone that does have what I want. Now I didn't know this new sponsor from much at all. I was doing well (on my own) praying, reading the bible, reading the AA literature and attending meetings. However I started to hit a stagnant area so thought it was time to secure a sponsor.

The one I picked was articulate and intelligent and over 10yrs sober

First thing she said was call every day. She only has returned my call twice and only answered call once in the 2 months I have secured her.

I never get a word from her unless I run into her at meetings. She shares beautifully at meetings but never picks the phone up to call me and share.

She will answer me if I ask enough.

this w/end I was really struggling. Today I almost (and still not out of the woods yet) drank. I am on my way to 2 meetings. I called her this w/end (not about drink but wanting to talk to her about moving forward). Since then I have really gone down hill.

point is, I need encouragement. Why do the newcomers need to call when someone stronger should call us? Where is the encouragement. I could of used some good advice. Why is it ok for me to call and get answering machines even if it is just to say hi, but I get no return call even "acknowledging" my "hi". Now I need help and I feel no desire to call her. Actually I am resentful.

I hear sponsors are to "know" you. To determine when you are weak. She doesn't know me at all and makes no effort.

I have sent emails that still have not been returned since Saturday. Left a vmail and nothing.

Now none were about drinking but for guidance, yes.

Now I need assistance.

Why do I feel so agitated about this sponsor thing. I was dong better by myself. If the steps are individualistic, if you go to meetings to share and get support, if I read, if I ask questions then that should be fine. both my sponsors have only made me feel worse about myself, weak, ignored, pathetic (calling and getting no acknowledgment)..it is demeaning.

I actually had another girl I tried to call too before this second sponsor and SHE never returned my call either. I do believe that people can't be their at all times but give me a break...I was calling this person as a potential sponsor and she can't return my call? If it wasn't for my closeness to God, who is always there..I would have drank a long time ago.

thanks for hearing my complaining. This calling should be a 2 way. It should NOT be recommended for new comers to call..UNLESS people are prepared to call back or better. ANSWER THE PHONE.

I believe if I ever get to be a sponsor..I will take THEIR NUMBER as that is a sponsor I admire. I am not afraid of advice, telling me Im wrong, moving forward, standing still... I JUST WANT DIRECTION AND ENCOURAGEMENT.

thanks.

CarolD

Hugs..

Have you read "Questions and Answers on Sponsorship"?
You can usualy find it on the free literature rack.

Try getting many members numbers too.
Someone is waiting to talk too.

Is there anything we can help you with now?
Why are you wanting to drink recently?

Stay strong and stay sober
You are so worth healthy life!
Well done on your sober time.

Golfman

Merc,

Fire her a*s. I sent you a pm. You have some valid points and some that aren't valid. If you want, we can take this offline. I think I can help.

Yours in sobriety,
Ed

fraankie

Sponsor drama..

there is a curiosity of mine
do you do this with other areas of your life
as in
a trip to the supermarket for some milk
and
they didn't have fresh milk
the store was too crowded to get the milk so another store
the check out line was long
even though there was only 2 people
the clerk was so
etc

i don't mean to be critical
but
it happens to me, too
i usually go the 007 route, though

as far as sponsors
get one
call everyday to check in
make a meeting with her once a week with some java afterwards
ask for suggestions
share
do the best you can

i'm sure bill w. had sponsees who went out to drink
the work is up to you
and
7th step
humility is the key
humble yourself
and
be a good sponsee


best
fraankie

SaTiT

I'm sorrry to hear that.
I got babied when i first got sober ,becuase
I was the baby, baby or one of the youngest peaple.
I guess they where experimenting on me...lol
it was like an entire community pitch in to help me.
Plus mainly becuase they where elders and in their retirement.
With decade and decade of recovery.
They where pretty much there for me most of the time.
They gave me their #s and told me to call them for anything.
Sid actually spent nights and days with me, for weeks.
I was sleeping in my car at the time.

I didn't mind asking for help.
my first sponsor told me up front , he would be my temp.
He was a stright shooter.
becuase of his work schedule, but he made me call him everyday.
I actaully had to visit him at work sometimes, just to get my ass
out of bed, becuase I was un -employable at the time.

The elders also suggested that I attend the other fellowship
becuase i could relate to the peaple of my generation.
They didn't mind , just as long as I was getting help.

I finally got a sponsor...just like you.
My sponsor was never around ..he travel a lot

When i hit a rock in the road in my recovery.
A person (sponsor)came into my life. he spent a lot of time
with me and help me through a lot.

So I was being taking care of one way or the other.
As long as I was trying ....I belive something was going to help me.
It's never as what I've imagian

There's and old saying
Pray for a job....not just any job , but the right job for you.
I guess the same gose for a sponsor.
Get as many sponor as you need, it's your recovery.

o2bserene

All sponsors are "temporary"! We usually sponsor the way we were sponsored ... that is how we were taught! Sponsors have jobs, husbands, children, other sponsees, etc. Maybe she is not ignoring you, but doesn't understand how much you need her right now ... leave her another message and be specific about what is going on with you, if she still does not call you back, then get yourself another temporary sponsor. I had 3 sponsors by the time I got 6 months ... at 2+ years I'm on my 4th!!!

Good luck to you,
Di

St_Kurt

Hi. I think I know how you feel.

My first sponsor never met with me outside of meetings and then finally agreed to meet with me, but only in my home. She looked around and saw things she wanted to borrow. As I had known her via the phone and in meetings for a month I lent them to her; after all, I was not using them, I wanted to contribute to the sharing community that was AA, and she had been involved in AA and sober for 7 years (so I understood). Plus, she was my first sponsor. I thought it was part of helping each other.

She hasn't been to a meeting since and no longer answers her phone. That was now 3 months ago.

Oh well... I still pray for her anyway.

-e

Tazman53

A sponsor is no different then any one else in AA sadly, I have been very lucky, my first sponsor was pretty good about answering the phone, but did not have the time to work the steps with me, it took me a few months, but I found my present sponsor.

I asked him to be my sponsor, he asked me why and I told him. I then let my first sponsor know what was up and he was fine with it, he said he was sorry that he did not have the time for the face to face step work I want.

Look as Ed said, if the problems are half of what you said fire her and take your time and find another one.

Mercedes1

Ed, thanks I will definitly reach out. Good news, I am 65 days and much stronger today because of God and going to 2 meetings last night with help and support of friends there.

Of course we all have families, jobs, etc. (god willing) to attend too. But the Sponsor and calling thing is WAY over emphasized in this program. A new comer needs to be encouraged...if I am to be so "specific" to what I need from her, calling then why do I need her?

I have asked her to call back. But isnt that a "force" for her to care? When I tried to call her in beginning it may have humbled to call for no other reason that to call, but then it became "damaging" when that is all I do and Id have to be a fool to keep calling with no recognition. Would you keep calling a friend that never returned the phone call? Come on, this is not AA here, this is common courtesy. It did not teach me anything or make me stronger or more humble in a righteous way. It just bred resentment..then I felt guilt for resenting.

I hve tons or other people to call, that is not the point. It is the responsiblity of a sponsor to Know what I am going through. Even the first few calls I did were all "hi" Im doing fine. BUT, every second I was not fine too. SHE as a sponsor should know this. I had desires to drink, I needed encouragement, HOW to think, what questions SHOULD I be asking.

And as for my last communication to her I said just this...I expressed my question of "why no returned calls"? Was this working? Shouldn't it be a two way? This isn't working for me? THEN, if that wasn't specific enough, I asked her to help me move forward and if THAT wasn't enough "reaching out" I gave her suggestions....how bout we "schedule" these calls around select readings...what do YOU want me to read? This provided a way for her to get back to me when I call so we both win, right? , Can you provide a Q&A so I am not all over the place? Can we move into step 4? Can we meet once a month? and nothing back. Period.

As for the question on why am I not being a good sponsee? This is EXACTLY what almost made me drink. Feeling like maybe this is some "lesson in humility". That I should accept lack of recognition for the calls...I am nothing...??? That is not what calling should be about. A sponsor shouldn't expect a new comer to be "good". Why wait for them to fall and then blame them for not calling, going to meetings or not enough steps. How about predict their fall and try to get to them BEFORE that happened. They were there once themselves, right? How about a sponsor HUMBLING THEMSELVES to get to them in case they were weak and messed up? Understand a new comers motives may be corrupt, their character defects not exposed to them - to reach out to them to show them the value of calling...if I am willing to call them it shows they help me, hense maybe they will believe it enough for them! And btw, it doesnt mean we always reach eachother,,,but we acknowledge the call is the same as receiving it and showing you matter. You asked them to call you because you WANT to talk to them.

THAT, my friends is a good sponsor.

As far as my role as a sponsee, am I controlling, proud, defiant...perhaps but all this is mute since I REACHED OUT TO HER FOR DIRECTION. What more can I do then ask for direction, good-bad-ugly... That to me is why I am here. I feel huge guilt..because I am resentful now. But I ased the one I resent if I am wrong, can she help me.... and alas another day with no phone or email back. She doesn't even know what I went through last night. And I didn't call "again" because if she doesn't return a call when I am feeling good, it serves to bet she doesnt care enough when i am dong good then why should a call back when doing bad be any weight? I can get concern back at meetings w/out having to demean myself by forcing someone to call back..because i "now" need help. I see how much value I have with her not returning a friendly hi.


Lastly, I am not abusing this role as a sponsee. If I didnt care I would not be writing this. This may be complaining but it is also sharing. I could just not care.

My sponsor said it to me ..I end this with HER own words...she said.."you have already admitted and lived steps 1-2-3 by being here"... so if I am not admitting failure, out of control life, power greater than myself and wanting guidance ...then why did she tell me that? That was also a blow as I reached out to her for encouragement and thought at first she was telling me I had made some progress then she told me that when i showed up the first day I had done 1-3, so that brought me back to 65 days of what then have I done "personally" with you besides not drink and go to meetings.

I guess I have made no progress...very encouraging indeed!

Taking5

I can relate to problems with sponsors.

My first sponsor wanted to read me the big book. Not study it mind you but read it like you would read a story to kids. I tried but told him it was accomplishing nothing, I have already read the big book cover to cover a dozen times. I suggested that we find a big book study meeting and go together. He said no so I dropped him as a sponsor. He was great at calling back however.

The other sponsorship thing I have had issues with is I felt like there was pressure on me to be his friend outside of AA. While I am certainly open to that, I was very uncomfortable with the way things went.

I still don't have a sponsor and haven't worked steps 4 and 5. I know I need to do it but I am at a loss to proceed.

I did find a good book that is helping. Its one of the Hazelden books, "12 Step Sponsorship - How it Works". Lots of good stuff in there for both sponsors and sponsees, IMHO. I am still reading and re-reading it.

Tazman53

Sponsors do not have to be friends, sometimes it is better if they are not.

Keep looking for some one you can trust as a sponsor and then ask some folks who know them what type of sponsor they think they would make.

Sponsors are no different then sponsees, there are good ones and bad ones, there are ones that make great friends, but lousy sponsors and vice versa.

Carol87

I'm one of those people who makes a better friend than I do a sponsor ... I have a tendency to dictate rather than suggest ... so for me, it is best I stay away from being a sponsor. I also found that, for ME being best friends and sponsor/sponsee does not work ... it is difficult to maintain objectivity in that kind of setting ... JMHO

Sponsors are not perfect. I had sponsor issues when I first got sober ... I learned it is OK to change sponsors while at the same time being willing to find someone who will tell me what I NEED to hear and not what I WANT to hear. The program has taught me to accept, love and tolerate others ... for me, that says looking only at myself and not taking someone else's' inventory ... very difficult for this alcoholic. I also tend to get into unrealistic expectations, something I also have to work on. And I LOVE to nurse a resentment ... I'm a PRO at that! LOL

Have you considered letting your current sponsor go and looking for someone to be your temporary sponsor while looking for someone to be your permanent sponsor? It has already been mentioned that temporary many times translates to permanent!

This whole subject was a topic in another group I participate in ... here is something that I found that I posted in that group ... http://alcohol411.info/What%20To%20L...%20Sponsor.htm

Good luck in moving forward.

fraankie

I guess I have made no progress...very encouraging indeed!

the drama continues
but
yo, M1
you have made progress
you posted yesterday with 64 days
and
you posted today with 65 days
and
i use that as a key for myself
even when i wake up
go to a meeting
even if i made no progress in other areas
i have one more day sober
like you today
so
congrats on 65 days


the other thing is
you have a sponsor issue (drama)
and
you are making progress
by posting on here trying to resolve the issue
or
e-mailing / calling your sponsor
albeit she does not rsvp
you are taking action by
I REACHED OUT TO HER FOR DIRECTION.
reaching out



best
fraankie
(to be continued)

collinsmi

I believe the sponsor's primary role is to teach me how to do the steps. Did not sound like that was happening with those others you mentioned. Maybe a good place to find a sponsor is at a closed step study meeting, perhaps someone who has a lot of time and is serious about the steps.