El Gato

How do you know when it's your job or home life that is disturbing you? And how do you know that it's yourself that's disturbing you? I mean, I would really like to lay blame with outside forces as opposed to looking at myself this time.

Tazman53

El Gato I am not sure if you are in AA or not, I do know that the 12 steps help in determing the cause of our problems, fears, and worries.

I have found in working the steps that when I was drinking all my problems were due to someone or something other then myself when in reality they were either entirely my fault or I was at least partially responsible for them. There were very few problems I had while I was drinking that were in no way my fault.

Now thanks to the steps of AA and staying sober I am able to fairly easily determine what my problems/worries are and address them as well.

GlassPrisoner

That is The Big Realization. Hard to swallow, but true.

Golfman

If you don't feel that your problems are of your own making, completely remove yourself from your current environment. That way, all the things that you feel were causes of your drinking will be gone. Just keep in mind that wherever you go, there you are. Unfortunately I couldn't remove myself from myself. I was my biggest problem.

If you are successful as a result of removing outside influences, I will be the first to congratulate you. You will have found a new solution to our problem.

collinsmi

If it's about THEM, I'm pretty limited in what I can do. If it's about me a lot more changes can be made. Victim vs volunteer.

Chy

Ditto that. We are our own worst problem.

SaTiT

a catch 22.

The serenity preyer gives us the answer.
Accept the things I can change (me)
and the things i can't (others)
and EL WISDOM to know the difference.

Changes comes from within and extend to the outside.

Acceptence is like freezing hell over.
It is what it is.
It allows for the chaos/confussion within to defuse.
A piont of clearity or even other insight to express itself.
One has a sharper focus and a calmer attitude.
At which piont one can evaluate and make better chioces,
to take action or not to take action.

A simple analogy....
if it's raining (uncontrolable eviornment )


You make a chioce to step out into the rain or not.
If you need to get into the rain...will an insight
"put on a rain coat or go dance in the rain nude"

If you are restricted from entering the rain do to whatever reasons.
Will....accept it and read a book or surf the web or get under the sheets,
or do whatever pleases ya.

or the ulternative would be to bitch and complain about the rain
and waste your energy or the moments of your life away.

You might be speaking of a situation of a strom.
There is a spritual priciple of Being in the eye of a hurricain.

or the water beneath the surface.
The water on ther surface gets waves and choppy during a strom.
However, beneath it....it is calm.

if there's a violent thunder strom an average human pretty
much gets out or away from that strom. It's our basic instinct.

However, in a relationship ....bussiness or love.
We have a harder time serperating ousrselve.
We became conditioned or accustom to the an environment.
Even if it's un-healthy. Dominate by fears.
Fear of loosing a loving one or fear of not being able to make
the morage.
If you can't let go of something or someone...you're addicted.
But by accepting the truth.....hell freezes over.

Hush007

Wow SaTit, that was pretty deep! Nice way of putting it! You kick ass my friend!

miss communicat

I read here on SR, it is on somebody's signature and I don't mean to steal it or anything, but its soooo true:

Tragedy is when bad things happen to us and there's nobody to blame.

So far, as an alcoholic who grew up in a family where there was much emotional instability and volatility, I grew up with strong defense mechanisms in place, not the least of which are that I was "right", never at fault, and that I always meant well even if outcomes didnt show it.

So, I have tried to assign blame externally to every situation in my life that doesn't go according to MY plan, on MY schedule and with MY interestes at the top of the list.

It took me many years to get it. If I keep looking externally for the reasons and causes for my condition, then I am deluding myself.

I see now that I do make choices, every second of every day. Many are minute, internal attitude shifts, but they accumulate into bigger choices. I choose to be accountable for my role in my life, because its a lot less debilitating than feeling like life is happening TO me.

Whats going on for you today that is bothering you?

Leroysdad

I know that i certainly have found out that you can't run away from your problems. Every where you go there you are. It may help for a shortwhile but it won't last because the problems weren't with where you were at. The problems were with myself.

CarolD

When I was sober a few months..I could see
that it did not matter why I was an alcoholic.

Living in the AA solution gives me
balance and I can deal with whatever!

Blessings

El Gato

I dunno. My job duties changed 3 months ago and I've been going down hill ever since. I'm wondering if being in a less stressful job right now would help me stay on track as far as recovery is concerned. Of course it's ME. It always is. If I were stronger right now nothing would bother me. But I'm weak.

CarolD

Hi Jerry...

I did change jobs to stay sober.

I had worked for years in the hospitality industry.
The high stress to excell... the night hours
free booze...etc was too difficult for me.

I switched to an office job.
And lost income!

However..it worked out great for me..

Raineydae

Hi, El Gato. Your question is a good one and got me really thinking. I am on/at Step 3 just now and I'm going to spend a long time here, I think until I fully get it.
I guess life is up and down and the potential for problems and pain is always there. We all feel joy, pain, happiness & sorrow but now, I really do believe that a lot of my misery came from living in my own reality tunnel, where I made all the laws & felt angry and scared if outside forces didn't follow the rules in my universe.
We can't expect life to be trouble free even in sobriety but stepping out into reality and living in a larger universe where we are not God sure makes sense of a few things!
Your job may well not be right for you but perhaps if you let the universe/ higher power/ God lead you, you may find the answer.

Tazman53

Change usually is not a good thing in early sobriety, sobriety is hard enough in the beginning without trying to find or adjust to a new job, but in some cases it may be needed. One really needs to look deep inside their selfs and honestly determine if there would be less stress in thier lives changing jobs or in staying in thier present job, talking this over with a sponsor or someone who (sober alcoholic) has been through this before can prove to be invaluable in telling rather or not we really should be dealing with extra unneeded stress.

Nuudawn

I quit my job and moved in my early sobriety as both were toxic environments that were not conduscive to my recovery. I know that for me, drinking made the intolerable in my life, quite tolerable...toxic people, relationships and home environment. I sobered up and saw the deep unhappiness and pain in the place I was at. Fortunately, where I was is not my home...so I went home. I know that wherever I go, the hand of AA is there in every town.

Although big changes are not encouraged in early sobriety as Taz noted, your sobriety must come first...and well if it's too hot in the kitchen, get out. Ya gotta do whatever it takes.....

I truly hope you have some sort of support network and a spirituality that provides comfort and a sense of carriage in this big ole lonely world. If you ask, the answers will come.

chip

Hi Jerry,
Unlike Carol, I've stayed in the hospitality industry. I'm in a management role, and it can be stressful.

Like some of the others were saying, I found out my #1 problem is chip. My false pride and self centred fear has caused me much misery throughout my life....regardless of my job.

Sometimes I hate my job, but don't we all have times like that?? I've come to the conclusion that I need to work on myself before I can be happy anywhere. With regards to self vs enviornment... I find that I constantly mis-read my enviornment through the fog of mixed up emotions. Learning to look at life objectivly and adapt is my mission. I'm working on not letting my emotions control my actions. This has been a major problem for me for many years.

When I work on these things, I find I'm starting to have moments of clarity and peace. I guess this is why I need a "God" or a "higher power" in my life. I am trying to let my God take over the direction of my life. When I fully do this, a big burden is lifted. I get into trouble when I try to take my problems back...
peace,
chip

Sheryl85

Jerry,
By even formulating the question above, you are already working toward the solution. Normally I would say that we need to take a look at acceptance, especially how it is written about on page 449 in the Third Edition (417 in the Fourth Edition) of the Big Book, but I also have had an experience with the job thing and not knowing all the in and outs of your situation, I hate to rule it as a total acceptance thing. In my case my job was affecting me physically as well as mentally since I found myself in the ER twice with chest pains. Luckily I ended up having the decision of acceptance/change made for me when the oil business went bust in the ‘80’s and I got laid off. This happened in sobriety so I had a support group to help me through it all. How much of this was me and how much was the job, who knows? I do know that I was working on acceptance before I left though.

I have a friend who later summed it up for me. Talking about alcoholics he said, “We over do or under do everything we try to do.” He went on to explain that he found in his own life that he would either take the blame for everything (The Black Plague, WWII, Mt. St. Helens) or he wouldn’t take the blame for one darn thing. But usually for us (alcoholics) the answer lies somewhere in the middle. What we have to do is take an objective look at the situation and start making a determination as to what parts are ours, that we can change, and that which are circumstances beyond our control. If we find that there is something that is “ours” and needs to be changed, then we do whatever is necessary to do so. If it is something we can’t change, then we set about to start the acceptance process. (I wish that it was always this easy for me, but then again, go back and re-read my friends quote above. )

You've received a bunch of good information already from the folks here. Hope it helps and let us know how it is going for you.

Sheryl

El Gato

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful words. I wish I had time to respond to everyone, but I'm at the mercy of the public library system (30 mins) and this sites idea of humor, where I spend 15 minutes writing a post only to find out I,ve been booted 10 minutes ago!!

Anywho, it's become apparrent to me that stress, anxiety and fear have made a return visit. Back to work!

CarolD

(((Jerry)))