psd4237

Good morning all,

I'm Peggy, and I'm an alcoholic--nine years, five months sober. I've been hanging around SR for the last few months, reading and occasionally posting. It has been awesome and I am thrilled beyond belief to be able to add another level to my support network. Now on to explaining the reason for this thread.

Last night I received an e-mail from my old sponsor (I used to live in PA). I've been trying to get ahold of her for a few weeks. It turns out that she had a bit of a relapse for the last month. Now, anytime I hear of anyone relapsing, I freak out a bit, but this woman had nearly 16 years sober, and she was the one who helped me out on so many occasions. So my first reaction was What happened? What could have caused her to pick up that first drink after so many years? Now, here's the cunning and baffling part: as I was typing this e-mail of support and inquiring about her situation, my brain did a not-so-good thing. I'm asking her what happened, and my brain unconsciously goes to what it must feel like to drink after so long. (Trust me, I know how this sounds, and I'm getting my butt to a meeting after work today!!!) But as I was typing and my brain was thinking about what this was like, I had a wild physical reaction. My body reacted as though I had just had a bit of Scotland's finest single malt (my poison of choice back in the day)-- that warm, fuzzy, ahhhhh moment. The only way to describe it is freaky, and oh so scary. Has anything like this ever happened to any of you old-timers?

Golfman

Good morning PSD,

I guess you could say I'm an old-timer, 20+ years. But don't call me old, I still think like I'm 18. Keep in mind that relapse is not a requirement. We all ask why someone relapses after so long and we can come up with 1000's of excuses. The bottom line is this...we drink because we're alcoholics. That's what we do best. Although I didn't drink, I spent 12 years away from AA. I can say those were some of the worst years of my life. I have at least four major depressive periods, went to 4 or 5 psychs, spent days at a time enveloped in fear, and never once thought about going to an AA meeting. It was only when my wife approached me one day and said she couldn't take it seeing me like that any more that the thought finally hit me, "maybe I should go to a meeting." Well I did, and the last three and a half years have been the best of my life.

PSD, you have nothing to fear if you're working the program as best you can. Remember, the God of your understanding is always there to help if you'll just reach out. We're here to help any way we can. I will say this, I've seen many relapses in my time and not one of those folks ever called anyone before they drank. It seems evident that some folks already know they're going to relapse and they don't want anyone to talk them out of it.

Keep the faith and it will keep you,

Ed

CarolD

Hi Peg..
Way to go on your sober time!

Somewhere around year 3 God removed
my obsession to drink.
I don't remember wanting a drink
in the 14 years since that miracle.

I do stay in close commection to
God and AA.
That works great for me...

Forward we go... side by side

Tazman53

psd I am a newbie, I have almost 6 months but I drank for 40 years and work my butt off in the program because I am not sure I could physically or mentally ever come back, I am surprising doing very well, in ways it scares me because I fear that I will get cocky. Why God has lifted my urge/need to drink so quickly is beyond me, but who am I to question God!

Any how please let me know what she says was the reason she went out. I always pay extra attention to folks who come back into the rooms after a relapse, so far it has boiled down to three basic things:

1. Quit going to meetings.
2. Quit calling thier sponsor or any one else in thier network (As Golfman pointed out.
3. Lost conscious contact with their HP.

psd you and your old sponsor will be in my prayers.

psd4237

Thanks Ed,

Sorry about the "old" bit. Would you prefer "wise and learned in the ways of alcoholism"? I totally hear what you are saying. My spirits are always higher and my fear level lower after going to a meeting. And those around me can always tell the difference. I have no plans of picking up a drink antime soon! Not to sound overconfident or anything, but I'm what I call hypervigilant and I've got some sense of what my personal warning signs are. It's just that this physical reaction came at me from left field. Made me wonder. Was it a memory? My brain trying to tell me something? It was so real. All I can say is that it was damn scary!

Peggy

Golfman

Peggy,

I'm sure it was very scary. I've heard many people that they have flashbacks, dreams, etc. that seem so real that they actually think they drank. It happened to me early on. I remember waking up and actually having the taste of bourbon in my mouth.

Try not to worry too much. What happens to some doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. Stay "hypervigilent" as you say, but also don't let yourself get too serious. We want to have fun here as well.

Rule 62: "Don't take yourself too seriously"

Keep posting and sharing, it's the best way I know to keep both you and I sober.

Ed

psd4237

Thanks again. I'm feeling a bit calmer now than last night. I have to admit that I do have a tendency to take myself a bit seriously from time to time, when it comes to such things--it's a hard habit to break. I've heard of people in recovery having dreams and waking up, tasting or feeling booze, but I was totally awake the whole time!!!

Still no word from my former sponsor, but I'll let you all know when I get the details of the meltdown.

came2believe

Another thing I hear, Peggy, is that when you are feeling complacent--as if you have the alcohol problem "beat" and you no longer need help--that is the dangerous time. Doesn't sound like you are feeling complacent. Sounds like you are correctly identifying the voice of alcoholism and taking action. That's great actually!

Keep sharing... xx

laurie6781

I may be old, 61, lol, and sober for almost 26 years, but I do not consider myself an 'oldtime.' roflmao

Along about 4 or 5 years sober I realized there was a big difference between the flitting 'thought of a drink' and and an actual craving for a drink.

Yes I have had it happen......................however, I believe to this day it was not a craving, it was first the thought and then the "memory" of what it used to be like. It can be very startling and very unnerving,yet as time has gone on, it really hasn't happened much.

I was taught it was what I did with the "thought."

Hope that helps.

Love and hugs,

psd4237

Thanks all,

I really appreciate the feedback!! I definitely don't think what I experienced was a craving. I haven't really had cravings in a while. In fact, and this probably wasn't the healthiest of experiences, but I survived. I spent some time in Scotland last year (mostly in Edinbugh, but a couple of days in the Highlands) and was amazed at how little I was tempted. I can remember other times when this was my own personal Mecca! On the way to and from the Highlands we stopped several times to use facilities, and these stops were usually at little tourist shops attached to distilleries. And here's the part to torture an alcoholic: they actually were offering free samples!!! Just shot glasses sitting there waiting, which of course meant that the air was think with the aroma. Alright I admit that I did perhaps breathe a little more deeply than maybe I should have, but I wasn't tempted to pick up one of those little glasses of brown liquid. I've worked too hard for too long to start down that slippery slope!

So no offense intended, but I'm glad this sort of physical reaction has happened to others. Oh, and sorry if I've offended with the oldtimer bit.

leeside

Yea I know where you are coming from. You don't want that to happen to you too. I didn't either, but it happened to me. What's worse I had "18" years sober.

I thought I could have just one. Ha ha ha. Then I was just having one every so often. That worked for a while then it became two every so often. Then it was 4 or 5 days a week. Then it was 3 or 4 drinks. Then came the binge. I finally woke up from all the problems it was causing and now I am 16 1/2 mo sober. It would be 20 1/2 years if not for that.

psd4237

Thanks, Lee for sharing that. You're right.That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid and exactly the kind of story that scares the h*** out of me.