St_Kurt

This is my first post here, but I enjoy reading threads on this forum a lot.

I haven't been trying to get sober for very long, but I haven't been drinking alcoholically for very long either. Like a lot of people, I grew up with alcoholic parents and after my own experiment with beer in high school after which I threw up a lot and felt horrible - I wasn't too interested in drinking. I didn't drink again until AFTER I was twenty one and I was in grad school.

I have always liked the taste of alcohol and my roommate and I sometimes had cocktail parties. We served really top shelf liquor and I always liked to drink it straight. One drink and I was done though - I didn't like feeling drunk. Once we got some really good vodka though and I loved the taste. The next morning was kind of like my high school beer experiment only way worse. I don't think I drank again for like 3 or 4 years after that. And was sort of my pattern for the next decade - moderation or never with a couple silly drunk nights in the company of good friends. I could live with that.

A little over a year ago I left my job and returned to school to become a veterinarian. Vet school is challenging with very long hours and high expectations. My first year I didn't drink at all, but every vet school party I attended was an insane drunken free for all. Not my thing at all. This fall I decided to attend a beginning of the year gathering at a bar with my classmates. I always felt like not partying with them kind of separated me out so I had resolved to attend more social functions.

It was at this party that things got weird. I discovered that I didn't drink like I used to anymore. My usual drink is Stoli on the rocks (mainly because bars don't freeze it like they should) and over the course of a normal evening out I'd have one or two and be done. But somehow on this night I had this ridiculous tolerance that came out of nowhere. I should have been carried home except I felt fine so I walked home (because I refuse to even go near a car if I have a BAC of ... anything.) I woke up without a hangover.

I started drinking more often because all the things that had turned me off to alcohol before (the whole hangover thing really got me down) had gone away. I couldn't explain the tolerance thing. There was also another thing that I couldn't figure out - I actually performed better when I drank sometimes. People say "you just THINK you did" until I show them some of the work I did while drinking. My handwriting didn't even get sloppy.

At first this seemed really great to me and I was like "Thank God I started drinking - school is so much better now." And in a way it was, because I now had a way to "shut out" all the external stuff of life and just concentrate on school work. I was known for studying in a particular bar by my house. No one could figure out how I did it, including me. I used to have trouble sleeping just because of the sheer number of facts I had to absorb each day, but if I drank that didn't happen either. And I always woke up feeling great.

Towards the end of the semester it started to bother me though. It seemed so "disordered" to be able to do what I was doing. Why could I suddenly drink that much and not be hungover? How was it possible for me to study more effeciently while drinking - which totally shouldn't have worked? I thought maybe I should quit drinking altogether while I was ahead, I'd seen what alcohol abuse had done to my family. Except it wasn't that simple. Stolichnaya had become a valued study partner. I never drank every day, but maybe once or twice a week at the most. I'd decide not to drink or buy anymore vodka for the house, but I'd get stuck studying some night and find myself walking over to the bar across the street. Or I'd promise a friend not to study in the bar anymore and buy alcohol to keep in the freezer.

I couldn't figure out if I had a problem or not.

Over the winter break though, I had a lot of days with nothing to do. I'd set myself up with a house project that needed doing, open a bottle of vodka, and then get to work. At some point while doing whatever I was doing (cleaning, organizing, etc...) I'd be like "Hey! This is empty!" Stuff would be done, but I was drinking all day too. That seemed like a bad way to be. So I stopped doing that.

While I was visiting my parents for the holidays I went to some AA meetings with my mom and I thought it was a good way to figure out what the hell my problem was. I think what clinched it was for me was my Christmas gifts. I got an AA big book from my mom (which isn't as insightful as it seems, she gives AA literature to all her co-workers, friends, and family now...) and I got a bottle of vodka from my dad. (Neither of them drink anymore.) What this told me was that neither of them were listening - not to me or each other. So if I was going to ask for help, it was going to have to come from elsewhere.

When I returned home I started going to AA meetings in my town and though it's hard with my school schedule I try to get to between 3 and 4 each week. I've learned a lot about AA, alcoholism, me... but I'm still terrible at getting beyond about 2 weeks without drinking.

I do notice that my thinking is changing though. I never used to lie to myself about stuff until I started trying to quit - then I started coming up with the dumbest excuses that often were little mental games. Except I realized, the only reason is because "I wanted to" and so now that's the only one I use. I think about all the other things I could do and could have if I don't drink tonight and a lot of times I decide it's not worth it. Occasionally it seems that "Because I want it now" still wins.

A lot of people talk about how they had problems with step 3. I'm very active in my church and pray regularly anyway. I'm an altar server and I've gotten to know a lot of the priests quite well. I've always felt very led by God. I actually prayed for consequences the other day - that if I drank again I would feel crappy the next day and have sloppy handwriting and all the rest of the stupidity that comes with it. Being able to drink without the bad effects as I've been able to do is one of the things that's making it so hard to stop. Whether I'm powerless over it or not, it's not making my life all that unmanagable and that makes it a "battle of wants". "Do I want to quit more than I want to drink right now? I'll wake up tomorrow feeling the same either way..."

I ended up drinking again on Friday for my usual reason - I wanted to. Even though it was Lent. And then I wrote about how I felt about it in the journal I've been keeping since I started attending meetings. I was kind of angry at myself for giving in to the "immediate gratification want" over the "long term good want" during Lent so I wrote about it and poured the rest down the sink. I wasn't really enjoying it that much anyway.

And this morning the best thing happened. I woke up feeling like crap and when I looked in my journal - my handwriting was messy. The strangest things are blessings sometimes. I know where I am right now and the way I drink now has become weird and inherently disordered. I wish someone could explain why it happened, but it sounds to me like a lot of people have asked the same question and in the end, the answer doesn't matter, only the solution. I've seen where this could lead me first hand and I rather not walk that path if I don't have to.

Anyway - this is a small novel, but I find I do better writing than I do speaking. I'm pretty quiet at meetings. I do a lot of listening and thinking about what people say right now.

Thanks for reading.
-e

Raineydae

Welcome, St_Kurt. I have only been on the boards for 2 days but I have already found everyone supportive and genuine. I'm sure you will find support here.
My drinking pattern also owes a lot to my family and their attitude and history. My Dad is one of the worst drinking partners I've ever had in terms of going off on a massive session and I'm sure he would say the same about me! My Mum self medicates her depression with alcohol, refusing to see the doctor for any alternative; so I have always felt that I've had permission to drink. They seem supportive about my decision at present but I've not really spoken to them as I'm worried that they'll laugh at my decision to quit.
I'm glad to hear that you are finding help through your faith and if you believe, I'm sure He will lead you through the temptations of our old enemy: short term hedonism. I'm sure that He's ready to help you work in partnership with Him. Fondest regards xx

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

It's great to see a new member
and you sound soo willing!

Congratulations!

Blessings to you and your family

See if you find this link of interest

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

miss communicat

Welcome to SR StKurt!

I'm really glad you found us! Your story is very insightful....I look forward to getting to know you more as you look into your drinking and sobriety.

Thanks again! Parts of your story brought me right back to my last relapse, especially to the place where, as a writer, I was writing so fabulously while drinking wine. It is true.

Until it stopped. It became the opposite in a short few years, and my brain's capacity to maintain depth of focus, and my connection to god and inspiration withered away.

I am happy to say that my brain fog cleared and the inner connection to god has returned through sobriety, AA fellowship and stepwork.

Best wishes,
MC

UncleEarl

I hope I'm not the only one who got a good chuckle out of that

Thanks for sharing your story! Addiction does have ways of producing self-justification, doesn't it?

Like you, I used to love to study while drinking. If I were writing an essay (grad school level), I would arm myself with whiskey and wine and set to it. Though I passed with flying colours, I cannot help but wonder how much more I could have done if I remained sober at the time. Too late now, and I don't dwell on it.

It sounds like you are taking great steps in dealing with a problem before it becomes a severe problem. One of my first sober epiphanies was to realize that there is no such thing as a "functional alcoholic," a term I used to proudly call myself. You might become an accomplished vet, but you can bet that other areas of your life will suffer (which you pointed out vis-a-vis your family).

You will find a lot of wise ears here (OK, eyes, if you want to be literal) and next time you find yourself in the "battle of the wants," log on and talk it through. We all know that only one side of that battle can win.

Welcome to SR...

Earl

St_Kurt

Wow. Thanks for the welcome and the encouragement. It means a lot to me as my first experiences with AA were... Well, let's just say people have asked "why did you keep coming back?"

I think the worst was being told that I should quit vet school and change professions because no one would want "a drunk like me killing their dog". I agreed on principle, but I wasn't sure how that was supposed to help me now. It seemed a little rash. Anyway...

It was the most surreal Christmas ever. I remember standing there like - "what am I supposed to do? What does this MEAN?" (I ended up drinking the vodka while reading the book for awhile... but that was even more surreal. And it wasn't my brand of vodka so I tossed it because I didn't like the taste. I also read the book backwards the first time. The stories first and then the front - which isn't a bad way to read it really.)

That was the first thing I shared at a meeting and everyone was cracking up. I think they were all like "yay! Someone new who's funny!", but what they didn't know is that I'm actually the quiet type and don't share unless I've thought about it for a long time and have something important to say.

I guess I'll never know either. I think started to really bother me was the lack of consequences like hangovers and my sudden weird tolerance. I didn't feel ... "normal" anymore. People noticed it too, but it was more like curiousity because I never looked out of control or like I was having a problem. I'm pretty small and I'd be on like my 4th double Stoli and they'd ask "how are you not plastered?" and I'd just be kind of bewildered like "I don't know."

The same thing with studying. The bar I like is kind of the "vet student bar" and my classmates are like "I can't believe you study in here and get stuff done", but I was unbelievably productive if I went there - especially if I was really stuck on a problem. It think a lot of it was really just getting out of the house and into a new environment too - and the bar happens to remind me of my home town, which is Seattle and very far away from here. Almost like a mini-mental vacation. Having a few drinks while I was there just added to that feeling of release.

Thanks for the welcome and the link. I think my heart is more willing than my brain is at the moment. I think I give in to temptation all to easily and it's something I need to work on.

I've read Under the Influence and it's the first thing that really makes any sense to me. Having a medical background I understand the concepts of "disease" and "progression" as well as the nature of time of onset such as "chronic" (slow onset) vs. "acute". The stories I hear at meetings and what I've read describe a progressive disease with a chronic nature - people might have responded to alcohol in a way that instantly marked them as alcoholics, but it was years of progression to that took them to the point where the disease was "active".

In my case, it seemed instantaneous - like ... "acute onset alcoholism" if you want to say it in doctor talk. Because before this August I hadn't had a drink in like 5 years. But this really stood out to me:

So there's at least one seemingly credible resource that describes my experience exactly. Which is comforting. I guess.

I have talked to my parents about it and they responded in a mixed way. My mom was a career alcoholic/addict her whole life and I think my dad was her enabler/co-dependent who sort of drank because she was doing it. But then when she got really dangerous and out of control he got rightious and replaced alcohol with food to show her how much of a better person he was. Really terrific and mentally stable people they are. I haven't lived with them for almost 20 years. I actually took a 10 year hiatus from them all together and when I reconnected things were such a mess that I had to move out to where they were for a while.

The good news is my mom is in her first year and a half of sobriety and really active in AA. She did ... 180 in 180 or something I think after her 4th rehab and she got serious. Surprisingly, both were really resistant about my going to AA. My dad suggested I just quit on my own. My mom said she'd never seen me drink so what was the point.

The vet school is only 2 hours away from where they live and my promise to them has been that as long as they are being healthy and working at it, I'll visit. So I'm there about once a month. My mom has been much more supportive recently. She used to enter meetings where I was also attending a few paces in front of me and would pretend she didn't know who I was, but at the last meeting we were at together she introduced me as her daughter afterwards.

So this has been a really slow process for me. I hear all these incredibly long anniversaries and I'm like "what's MY problem?" I guess I'm still trying to answer that question.

Thanks for reading,
-e