Paulos

God damn my mortal pitiful self with my wantings/passions and need for pitiful things I shouldn't have, I'm a simple mortal who shouldn't be abusing the earth's resources such as alcohol and such, but I abuse it instead and I'm a piece of **** for it, that's right, a true piece of ****. I'll NEVER go to AA, I want to make that perfectly clear, I hope I'm not offending anyone, I LOVE living life, but sometimes I feel like... heh I don't even know anymore.

CarolD

Here is a list of recovery programs...
see if one clicks for you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Have you considered a de tox facility?
Or a treatment center?

I am sorry you are having such pain.

Mongo

Paulos, my thoughts are with you, sounds like you're having a really tough time.

Since you are posting here, I think that the costs of your use of alcohol are becoming too high for you, and that you would like to change that.

Please don't condemn yourself for your abuse of alcohol. This abuse is only your behaviour based on your current choices. You are not a bad person, only your behaviour is. I know it's tough, but we can change our behaviour by making better choices.

Alcohol is a harsh taskmaster once it's effects on our bodies are beyond a certain point. Physically, our brains cry out for more, and quitting this substance results in significant withdrawal symptoms. Mentally it becomes our way of coping with stress, pain, pleasure, etc.

This post has excerpts from the book "under the Influence":http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

There are many programs that can help a person make better choices.http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

You may want to try one of these, or even try them all. If you're like me I was desperate to quit drinking and if I hadn't, I'd probably be dead.

I've had some success using the tools from SmartRecovery. Seeing a doctor can help as well, there are several medications that can help us quit. Counselling and therapy are also available.

I wish you the best, and hope that you will feel better soon.

Ron

findingout

Hey Paulos,

No doubt that A.A. isn't for everyone. However, some of our sayings are probably universal. One that comes to mind is "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

I wish you the best and hope you find your way.

chrisj728

Hey paulos, you are not abusing the earths resourses, you are simply suffering an addiction from alcohol.Im sure that anybody here on SR or any one on whatever recovery programme they choose will not refer to you as a piece of ****.We are all in the same boat all fighting the demons that our addiction throws at us.
You have to start loving yourself just as much as you say you love life!
Its a lot easier to forgive someone you love rather than someone you hate,

Stay strong Paulos your worth it !

chris

Raineydae

Paulos, you are already doing something good & helpful by talking to us so well done! Sorry to have to disagree with your assessment of yourself but I don't believe that any one of us is a true piece of s*** through & through! So that must include you as well!
Mongo's post really struck a chord with me and I agree that looking into SmartRecovery might benefit you. SmartRecovery understands that AA isn't appropriate for everyone and it builds on rational thinking, something that our abuse of alcohol robs us of.
Another idea might be to look into some brief solution focused therapy which has really made me learn how to be more positive.
I will be thinking of you.

UncleEarl

How many do you WANT to rack up? I failed over and over for at least ten of the last 25 years. When I would fail, I would often beat myself up and use the failure for yet another excuse to continue drinking. Sound familiar?

Does the fact that you NEVER go AA mean that you CANNOT go to AA?

Among the infinate pearls of wisdom I've taken from this place is the need for a "sobriety plan;" a solid course of action and mode of thought to stave off those "white-knuckle" moments (Gotta have a drink, NOW!) and find a way to remain excited about sobriety.

Elsewhere in these forums, someone mentioned that their cravings lasted seven seconds. Sounds about right for me. The seven seconds might seem to last for an hour, but you'll feel much better about yourself if you just say, "I'll out-wait that stupid craving!"

You won't stop feeling like crap because I, or someone else, says, "Stop feeling like crap." Besides, the alcohol will not allow you to feel good about yourself. It's the nature of the beast.

Shrug your shoulder over your relapse, put it behind you, and try again. Better yet, try to do something different the next time you NEED a drink. Come here and read and rant, bang your head against the floor, make prank phone calls...anything!

Best of luck, sobriety rocks!

Earl

Tazman53

Paulos I have to laugh, not at you, but at myself, I said the same thing, but once I hit my true bottom, staring death in the face I went!

Look, do not give up, we are all pulling for you, as Carol pointed out, there are other programs out there.

I can tell you one thing right now though, there is not a single program out there that will work until YOU are ready to follow directions!

From what I can see right now you are at the point I was 6-7 months ago, I was not going to do a damn thing anyone else told me to do to help myself, I do not care if it kills me!!!

It was my way or the high way!!!

It was not until I admitted to myself that my arse was kicked by alcohol, I surrendered to alcohol, it had beaten me down into submission, I had accepted the fact that I could not stop so why fight what I could not beat, I was going to drink!!! I did not give a damn what any one else thought.

I felt really good once I surrendered to alcohol, I quit fighting and just drank.

Then I saw death and realized that I needed to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS because my best efforts and ideas did not work!

Once I came to this point was when I was ready to follow someone elses directions, from what I see of you right now, you are getting real close to admitting that you can not do it on your own. Once you admit YOU do not have the POWER to stop drinking is when you will have completed the first step of every program designed to stop drinking and will be ready to do it their way and not your way which has failed you every time.

Paulos I am hoping that you reach the point I speak of before something really bad happens and you start to recover by following directions other then your own.

Sunflower

How many Times????? As many as it takes....Semms you at least halfway realise you have a problem--work on it--AA is great--works for so many--not everyone likes going to it....in time if they stick it out they will tell you it saved their life..Keep working on it...

SaTiT

The more i know the less i know.lol

AA dosen't have the conner on the market for recovery or god.

Holy Schmoly....lilltle old me going the put an end to the earth.
The earth been around for a very, very long long time before mankind showed up.
Mother earth probably experience many, many changes which is cathostrophic to mankind.
I don't belive greenhouse gases is going put an end to the earth...to mankind maybe.lol

Abe Licoln owed a crap load of money and failed in bussiness.
He also lost in many, many elections before making to the white house.

Micheal Jordan shot (score) only 51%.
I guess he failed the other 49% of the time.lol

GlassPrisoner

We could increase the list ad infinitum....

Paulos

Thanks all for the support, I'm beginning to attempt to write a daily journal to express and release my feelings onto it. I love myself but I don't want to die. Hrmm um... thanks for all the support again, I'm back to day 1 as usual... uh... wow I don't even know what to say hehe, but I just don't wanna die :-D

Mongo

Right on Paulos.

Glad to see you're willing to give it another try. Maybe this time will be better.

Keep well

Ron

Nuudawn

Paulos,
My heart goes out to you. I'm sure all ours to as its a safe bet we've all been there. Not quite 3 months ago I too wanted to die. I didn't have the energy to do anything about it though. Besides, suicide would hurt my family and I couldn't bear that. But I honestly and truly wanted to die. Alcohol had taken everything from me...my hope and dignity.
As its been said, AA is not the only way. I love it for the fellowship and support I find there...people who understand me...who've been right where I have been and you are. People who have also loathed themselves but continue to work on getting better together.

You will find similar support here on SR. But...there is nothing like a real life hug. I'm sending you a great big cyber one today.
Tracey

Grasshopper

keep on keepin on,
failue is an event---not a person---
you can do it,,,,

earlybird

How on earth can you expect to achieve sobriety if you begin by listing things that you arent willing to do?? You will NEVER go to AA?? Why? May I ask why not? Are you saying that some other sober group is in the cards? If it came down to dying,.....or AA,.....you wouldnt go? Because thats where it sounds like its going.

wingsfree

Hi Paulos, congrats on not giving up with this monster.

It's not FAILURES, I used to think and feel the same way, if I had of counted how many attempts I've made, that would scare me today, trust me it was a lot, but I never gave up, and neither will you, you're here reaching out for help, so that says a lot. Hugs.

I really hope you find what works for you.....for myself I tried serveral routes over the past few years to stop the insanity, I gave AA a few honest attempts but it's not for me either, so please try everything possible until you find what will help you. Today I'm close to 8 months of sobriety, I never thought I would do it, so NEVER give up.
Boy can I relate to that quote, I can't even begin to say how many times that went through my mind while I continued to struggle, guess what? today that thought is gone.

Listen to the wonderful advice the gang give you here, we've all been there, all of us at different stages, you're never alone. Read up and learn as much as you can about alcoholism, that helped me a lot the more knowledge I got the easier it was to understand what was wrong with myself....Don't ever QUIT. If I can do this so can you.

Wishing you all the best with your journey to sobriety, it will get better and easier.

Take care of yourself.
Denise

BigGirlPanties

AA is only for people who want it. If you dont, your choice.

Its the last house on the block for many....what other houses of recovery do you have at this moment?

GlassPrisoner

Harsh BGP.......but true.

I fought and fought going to AA. I even went once, and decided it wasn't for me.

It took until I was desperate enough to try anything that I actually tried the program. And you know what ? It works. It really does.

Tazman53

Very true BGP & GP I have found that AA is for those who really want it and have tried everything else and still continue to fight the beast. AA was this old drunks last chance, I wanted it so bad, and with rooms full of people who had been in the same boat I was in they took me by the hand and said "Follow me, I have been where you are now and I know the way out."

There are other programs, there are those that have done it on thier own (VERY few and far between), my dad did. As I said in my first post, no program will work unless you follow directions, if you are unwilling to follow directions you will continue to drink.

Good luck Paulos in what ever path you chose, I pray you find one that works for you.