PapaG

I am drinking again...not a great deal, but I am doing it secretly. I don't want to hurt my family so I do it late at night..wine usually. I don'z wake up feeling I need another drink but I am kind of forced to keep it to a minimum..I don't want anyone to know. The danger is when my family aren't around..iif they go away for a couple of days..I know if I've got a few quid in my pocket (which is unusual!) that I'll hit the town and go on a massive drunk. At the moment the drinking feels good but I have had so many negative experiences I wonder if that will change and I'll end up on my arse again.

I am not asking for help...just sharing my thoughts.

Peace,

Papa G

chrisj728

Hi papaG,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts,if as you say you have had negative experiences with alcohol ,then why do you think that it will be any different this time.You say that your drinking secretly to protect your family, well in my own experience that sort of drinking will only leave you guilt ridden and you will increase your intake to take away that feeling.
How many times would you put your hand in a fire,knowing that it burnt you the first time ?
Be guided by your past and the experiences of others my friend.

Mongo

Hi PapaG

Thanks for your post. I know you aren't looking for advice but your current situation sounds very familiar.

I also drank secretly. When I quit smoking years ago I would sneak smokes and pretend that I was still a quitter. Of course, I fooled no one.

Maybe it's something in me, like some sort of denial. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it did it still fall?

I never secretly smoked or drank for long, it always somehow ended up back where it was before. Always.

Logically, if I could "sneak" a drink or a smoke once in a while that was alright. Harm reduction. The costs of addiction were minimal.

But, it never lasted.

Thinking about this has helped me PapaG, thank you.

Good luck and keep well

Ron

PapaG

Cheers both!

Chris...funnily enough I feel no guilt...It's more a FEAR that my missus will find out..fear of being bawled at rather than any feeling of guilt that i am drinking. At this point in time I feel as if I'm doing nothing to them and I am enjoying the warmth of the booze...the problem could be that I have abstained from alcohol for such long periods in my recent history that occasionally i have to learn agin how it reacts with me. That is not an excuse but it could be one reason why I persist. I know (based on past experiences) that I shouldn't drink, but part of my brain which says 'drink' is in the hot seat right now.
I know another pert of it is that I have problems getting to sleep nights and a couple of drinks always sorted that out...I dunno, I guess I've got to learn again..one way or the other...what it is for me to be a drinker...

Thanks again dudes

chrisj728

papaG, what you say is perfect alcoholic thinking.Always wanting to give it one more try,always thinking that this time will be different,this time we control it rather than the booze controlling us.Always finding reasons to use alcohol as a means to an end.I to find sleep dificult but i'd rather wake up tired than hungover.
papa without trawling your previous posts have you tried any recovery programmes ? AA planted an invalueable seed in my alcoholic brain.

chris

Raineydae

Papa G. I was thinking such a similar thing tonight! That maybe I could try drinking again - just as an experiment, you know? See what my pattern is so that I can control it but, then I though dur! I already tried that heaps of times before and I know exactly what happens if I am honest. It's just my addicted brain teasing me. So I joined up here instead.
Try not to be so mean to yourself & "should" on yourself (saying you know that you shouldn't drink) about what you are doing because I think it will only make you feel a failure. You have given up before and you can do it again. Good luck.

marius404

Ride it out Papa. Its the only thing u really can do. Just make sure your taking notes and learning from the experience. And as another forum member who has failed at sobriety recently ill drink to your/our good heath. And to a better future.

fraankie

I don't want to hurt my family so I do it late at night..

it doesn't matter if they know or not
you are hurting yourself
which is hurting them

go to AA



best
fraankie

WantsOut

I can remember when I would suspect exAH was drinking again. He'd be hard to wake in the morning, slow and thick in his actions. I'd start to look around and find the cans buried in the bottom of the trash can, or a six pack of empties squirreled away somewhere. It was always such a sick feeling to know he'd been sneaking. It was similar, I guess, to finding out your lover is cheating. The core is a feeling of betrayal. A traitor in your midst. The stranger beside you. The wedge that comes between you at that moment does damage so heavy, most marriages simply can't recover even if they technically go on for years.

Sometimes I'd start a row over it, but sometimes I'd let him "sneak". At least it kept his intake down to more tolerable levels.

You're playing a deadly game with your marriage, just so you know.

Tazman53

Papag just by posting what you posted you know darn well you will be right back where you left off drinking before. It is your disease that is fooling you into thinking "It will be different this time", the reason I put that in quotes is because it is a direct quote from the Big Book!

All of us have tried to "drink like a normal person", and we have all if we are alcoholics failed.

If you are not in a program I would be looking for one, the one that worked for this old drunk is AA.

CarolD

Hi again...

Your signature line says it all.

Take care

PapaG

Thanks everyone. Some of you are suggesting AA. I thank you all for that but I am one that has visited AA in the past but found that it was not the right thing for me. I have been able to go years and years without AA or even will power. I actually find it very easy to stay stopped. I guess I'm what you'd call a binge drinker. The word alcoholic has never sat right with me and I do not believe in the disease model of Alcoholism. Sure it has in the past caused me problems. On the other hand I know that, for me, it is a symptom of other problems. Namely: Generalised anxiety disorder/ depression. I will see this through and I will say this. A part of AA's theory that I do agree with is sharing..and this site allows me to do that. I do not feel that it is so desparate that I have to get to a meeting. It is enough that I am in this meeting place right now.

Thank you all for your kind support!

Peace

CarolD

Here is a list of recovery programs...
you might find one of interest

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Take care

chrisj728

Keep sharing papa,and if as you say in your sig"the past does not have to be the future". If you have a troubled past with alcohol abstain from it to have a trouble free future.Alcohol will not ease anxiety or depression longterm it will only confuse you in dealing with these two powerfull emotions.
Set your course papa,map it out carefully and dont let an ill wind blow you onto the rocks of despair.

chris.

earlybird

You're rationale has you in for a world of pain. You wouldnt be ON this site if you "have no trouble staying stopped". If you have no trouble staying stopped,.....then how is it that you are drinking now?