LetStartOver

I failed again. Passed out way early last night. Out of bed since 6:40 am today. Started drinking at 8:30 am. I've never drank before noon before. Had a half bottle left. Killed it and walked to the nearest liquor store. I'm probably going to call in sick tomorrow. My mom said her dad only drank if there was alcohol in the house. That's me. My mom is pure love. We get along great. I'll never forgive myself for reminding her of the bad parts of her childhood. Bottle in front of me is just antagonizing me. My parents see me as a failing of themselves. I see myself as a failing to be like them. I have the best parents. I love them so much. My parents are the best so how come I'm such a selfish drunk? We all work together, even worse I know. I try. Every day I go into work. I'd love to share it all, I know there's another like me. Something hurt me years ago. How come a physical wound will heal in a matter of days and you'll forget it but one bad memory will destroy a life? I love my life. I am charmed. Something I saw scarred me. It's not my pain. I can ignore my scars but my friends have a bad memory and I wish I was a force that could take their pain away. I had hope this morning. I chose to drink. I'm back to where I was I need help but I'll settle for sleep. Smack me upside the head please! I delete over half of what I write. I just want to know that I'm not alone.

Anna

Hi,

I'm sorry you made a bad choice today, but you can change the way you live your life.

If you are having problems with something from the past this link could be very helpful. It's been a great help to get me through some stuff:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

CarolD

I had a lot of false starts before I finally quit.
Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh beginning.

Blessings to you and your family

miss communicat

you are never alone!

i am sending you all my prayers for peace and strength to begin again tomorrow

hope3

Hi LetsStartOver, I like your name, it says it all, ((((((hope3))))))

LetStartOver

Thanks everyone! I woke up early and poured out the bottle. I'm gonna make a doctors appointment today and try Campral out.

Astro

Hi LetStartOver,

Have you tried AA meetings? Here's a great place to start that's near Phoenix http://www.northscottsdalefellowshipclub.com/ They're a large and very active group, and a safe place and home to many people in need of a recovery program.

Nobody's every died from not taking another drink, but there are no guarantees if you continue to use.

volsgal1162

Hi letsStartOver,
Hugs to you. Today is a new day. SR is great and I hope you try AA..... We re here for you. remember you are never alone, God loves you and so do we.... Be strong...

Tazman53

I love your name, trust me when I say you are not alone!

I can tell you a place where there are rooms full of people that were just like you, I was just like you, then I found the rooms of AA, here was a place full of people who knew just how I felt, just what I was thinking, they had walked in my shoes.

The difference between them and me was they had found a way to stay sober and they were willing to help me stay sober as long as I was willing to do what ever it took to get sober. These people gave to me freely all the love and care I needed.

If not AA then call another support group, trust me, if you are like I was you can not do it alone. Call the AA hotline, there are people just like you that are willing to come to your home if you want them to.

earlybird

Good for you! To comment on something you said earlier,...yes,...there IS another like you. Me. And most of the people on this site. We ALL know where you are coming from. We have ALL been there. Alcoholism in itself,....is a selfish disease. Its one of its biggest components. You know, AA has a emergency helpline you can call whenever you feel like you did the other day. They will talk you through it and suggest and find a close by meeting that suits you. You dont EVER have to be alone with this. Ever. Just remember,....taking that drink will ALWAYS make it worse. Every time. Pick up the phone instead of that drink. Or pick up your mouse and log on to this site. We are here for you.

LetStartOver

Thanks over and over again. I'm taking steps. It takes a while when you stumble like me. I know that you all know what I mean. I really mean that I am charmed. In so many ways and one of them is that we live in an age where the globe is connected by a medium that can be used primarily by people wanting to help each other. I often wake up feeling foolish but I know I'm not alone. This is a great place. I'm not embarassed, I'm sharing feelings that others have. Through current events I'm learning there is no easy life. Even those who are given everything are suffering. It's a double-edged sword. On one hand you think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. On the other you see someone with all the advantages you wish you had suffering in the same way. I wish you all happiness. On the way there please post your thoughts and feelings. You are not alone no matter what. I'd like to keep an online journal just to show the insanity and hope associated with my life. I know they are just words in cyberspace but like you I just get this one life. Thank you everyone. I'm struggling right now. I know some of you are, too. POST. We are not alone. We do have a huge advantage though, and I'm hoping we all take advantage. We are all ALIVE! The future is wide open. Let's try something new tomorrow. Just the millions of us. I won't tell, we'll keep it intimate. I promise. Let's move forward toward something we've always wanted to do. No one's going to push into doing this. It's up to you/us. SNAP OUT OF IT! I wish it was that easy. I bet you're like me. You have happy drunken memories. You try to recreate them. You can't. They don't exist. You have years of uninterrupted sober memories. Let's recreate them instead. I wish I could materialize in front of you when you needed it most and hug you. I wish a lot of things. I wish I could stop drinking. I can't. I will not stop working toward that though. Sober, the sky is the limit. Drunk, well I'll just be sad and remember everything sad in my life, maybe I'll puke. What to choose... what to choose?

Tazman53

You know I love SR, it is an awful lot of help, but I will tell you right now that if this was the only place I sought help and support from fellow alcoholics I would still be out there drinking. I would come on here telling everyone how I screwed up again because there was no computer near by to get onto SR or when I posted that I was about to pick up there was no one out there to answer at my time of need.

LetsStartOver, AA was the answer for me, the hug you mention I can get every day from numerous sober alcoholics in the rooms of AA. If my butt catches on fire wanting a drink I have a list of fellow sober alcoholics that I can call at any time 24X7 and either talk me through it, meet me for coffee, or even come over to my house.

The rooms of AA are what helps me to stay sober, AA saved my life, SR is my way of sharing my Experience, my Hope, & my strength.

My Experience comes from 40 years of drinking, my Hope & Strength I found in AA.

You are right, we are not alone, but for this old drunk, I need that eye contact, that hug, that smile, that look, I need fellow sober alcoholics who love me as much as I love them and all we want to do is help each other stay sober and to help the alcoholic who is out there still suffering to have what we have, we are happy, joyous and free!

barb dwyer

Letstartover wrote: I just can't believe that.
We are, each of us so much more than just words and letters on a screen.
Granted, there might be those paying 'service' to, or even seeking attention for parroting what they think others want to hear ... but we are ultimately more than just words.

You, Lets - have brought, in just a few posts and a short time; more laughter in here than many who've been here for months (myself included)

We WANT you to make it, hun.
How can I help?
(hey look! a penny!)

Then Taz wrote:
I do have to commend that as well.
There's a hard but palpable truth there.
Well put, Tazarino!

None of us wind up here because our lives are going so incredibly well we just have to dirty up, you know? Not one person in AA is there because their lives were just going so dang well they just couldn't keep their perfection to themselves any longer ... ha!

Sobriety, however - is oh so much more than just 'not drinking'. I'm talking 'sobriety' ... is all about dealing with the real world. And happiness. And laughter. Free laughter. The kind you only hear in the Fellowship. It's majickal.

Life .. on life's terms.

Alcoholics don't know a thing in the world about that. We slowly or quickly kill ourselves running away from that 'real' world.
And I agree with Taz that we cannot come to any kind of understanding or maybe even perceiving of anything close ... to reality ... without help.
Because we've never been able to deal with it without our anesthetic of choice.

Each of us knows this world ...
*gestures to indicate the cyber dimension*

isn't the one the Oldtimers are talking about.
And hopefully never will be.

Thanks!
Provocative post, Lets'!
Hang in there!

Hivemind

You are not alone, I just got my 30day chip, then proceeded to throw it all away. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again!! we are all with you

Tazman53

Tazarino!!!!

Astro

I love these thoughts, Barb. The way I've heard and shared the phrase is: I didn't wake up this morning and say "Gee, my life is so perfect I think I'll top it off with an AA meeting".

On Tuesday night I picked up a CoDA 24 hour chip, and last night I got my 2 year chip in AA. The applause, laughter, hugs, and love that I received are more magical than anything I could've dreamed up when I was drinking. Each day in sobriety is like opening the biggest, best birthday gift ever.

fraankie

man, oh, man
get away from all that
scars, childhood, memories, etc
this is 2007
go to AA
get sober for yourself

this is not
i repeat,
not a movie
with drama, flashbacks, intrigue
but
you can make the sequel
a sober LetStartOver
your name won't be on Broadway in lights
but
you will feel like a star


best
fraankie