feel like friggin tearing my hair out....
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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feel like friggin tearing my hair out....
did my second AA meeting tonight, and it was wonderful, really.....such nice warm caring great people......friendly, lost like me but finding their way.........and i felt like i was part of something better...........
and i came home....and then went out again, and got that mickey.........and dammit all to hell.....why did i do it? i might have to be institutionalized, i dont know...but i cant be institutionalized, cause i would most likely lose my job...and my children wouldn't be cared for...........but i f**ked up again, and damnit it, its so hard.............i do love the AA community, and want to be sober, so yes, i have a huge problem.....cause i am not making it, so far....why cant my brain realize that enough is enough, and its enough? i feel so ******, cause everyone has been so warm and supportive, and i just keep tripping up.....i am a child in a mans world, and keep bumping myself, and crying out, and needing that helping hand, and i am a father, a responsible worker, but am just a complete alcoholic............i will go again to a meeting tomorrow, but i just dont know...i dont.....its like that vise grip on my whole body and soul wont ever loosen......i want what you all have....but dont know if my want will ever overcome the inside me who just justs to live life forgetting in a boozey fog......damn, and now i hate myself again.........
and i came home....and then went out again, and got that mickey.........and dammit all to hell.....why did i do it? i might have to be institutionalized, i dont know...but i cant be institutionalized, cause i would most likely lose my job...and my children wouldn't be cared for...........but i f**ked up again, and damnit it, its so hard.............i do love the AA community, and want to be sober, so yes, i have a huge problem.....cause i am not making it, so far....why cant my brain realize that enough is enough, and its enough? i feel so ******, cause everyone has been so warm and supportive, and i just keep tripping up.....i am a child in a mans world, and keep bumping myself, and crying out, and needing that helping hand, and i am a father, a responsible worker, but am just a complete alcoholic............i will go again to a meeting tomorrow, but i just dont know...i dont.....its like that vise grip on my whole body and soul wont ever loosen......i want what you all have....but dont know if my want will ever overcome the inside me who just justs to live life forgetting in a boozey fog......damn, and now i hate myself again.........
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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have to face it...
just realized, reading that post..........that i have to face it......i have to get more help.......maybe i really need detox...........job be damned....cause i want it so much, and yet the inside me doesn't..........and dollars down, sleep discarded, self loathing up, and hours spent on this site, which makes me feel better, but bottom line.....i fell again............never wanted to grow up being a failure........if i dont clean up, i will damn my own children to the hell i live.........cause they will watch and learn. I am so sorry all, that you took time out to post congratulations for me, finding that first meeting...and feeling so good about it....and then i go and be a jerk again.........i really am sorry.....maybe wanting to quit drinking isn't enough for me, i have some vicious demons inside me...and they are winning on killing me....
Hia lost,I realy know where your at! your story is my story.I to was a functioning alcoholic,always worked/provided,looked after the kids doing all that I thought a farther should. I to started to be concerned for their future but was so wraped up in my own addiction felt I couldn't turn left or right to do the right thing.I realy was feeling as much frustration as you as I tried to escape the grips of alcoholism.In despair I phoned AA and went to a meeting.I to was full of hope afterwards thinking this is it i've sorted my life out at last only to find after the next meeting I stopped off on the way home to buy Vodka.The next day I was wracked with guilt that i'd never experienced before.I'd seen a way out of hell and i'd walked the other way.
But I held on to the fact that i'd heard in the meeting that as long as I had the desire to stop drinking that the AA door would always remain open and I certainly had that desire so I went back.
That was 2yrs ago and i'm 49 days sober today,I was in and out of the rooms through out and i'm finaly getting it.Dont give in to those demons,fight back keep going back to AA it always works, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.
Stay strong and true to your self.
chris.
But I held on to the fact that i'd heard in the meeting that as long as I had the desire to stop drinking that the AA door would always remain open and I certainly had that desire so I went back.
That was 2yrs ago and i'm 49 days sober today,I was in and out of the rooms through out and i'm finaly getting it.Dont give in to those demons,fight back keep going back to AA it always works, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.
Stay strong and true to your self.
chris.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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not only am i powerless over alcohol
not only am i powerles over alcohol once i have that first drink......i am so powerless over it sober....it calls to me....and i follow.....and then do very stupid things...
I feel great all day, and then driving home, its that short drop offf......just for a touch.....and i cant control the monster inside me, cause i figure, hell, it makes me feel better for a bit, and it really realy does......but at the end of that bottle, there is no solace....its still alone, its still regrets, heartache, depression, self loathing, hatred, anger, and emptyness.....and thats who i have become.....and still, i continue on this behaviour....i want to quit feeling like this, cause sincerely, i am a complete jerk drunk..not an a**hole, not ever mean...just an idiot...and even drunk i know it......and yet, everyday i drive back to that store....two meetings down for me, and many more to come, and i will continue to keep trying........
am wondering if some people are just unreachable......if some cant simply be saved with that warm welcome........feel so dead inside, and thanks alcohol, you warmed me for a few moments, and then left me....wanting more, and sure you were there, but not how you were on that first drink.......******* alcohol and drugs have dragged me into a pit, but worse, is it enticed me into it, that pit, and when i feel all alone, and worried, it doesn't offer anythiing in return, and i have to look up, at that bottomless pit, the sun so far away...and i dont even know how to climb.......but i know that tomorrow, i will start climbing, and that fuggin demon alcohol will try to put that shovel back in my hands....and he is so huge, i cant fight him, so will pick up that shovel again........and i am powerless over alcohol, and i know it........i surrender, but surrender doesn't seem to satisfiy that beast....he wants complete and utter torture of my soul..............
I feel great all day, and then driving home, its that short drop offf......just for a touch.....and i cant control the monster inside me, cause i figure, hell, it makes me feel better for a bit, and it really realy does......but at the end of that bottle, there is no solace....its still alone, its still regrets, heartache, depression, self loathing, hatred, anger, and emptyness.....and thats who i have become.....and still, i continue on this behaviour....i want to quit feeling like this, cause sincerely, i am a complete jerk drunk..not an a**hole, not ever mean...just an idiot...and even drunk i know it......and yet, everyday i drive back to that store....two meetings down for me, and many more to come, and i will continue to keep trying........
am wondering if some people are just unreachable......if some cant simply be saved with that warm welcome........feel so dead inside, and thanks alcohol, you warmed me for a few moments, and then left me....wanting more, and sure you were there, but not how you were on that first drink.......******* alcohol and drugs have dragged me into a pit, but worse, is it enticed me into it, that pit, and when i feel all alone, and worried, it doesn't offer anythiing in return, and i have to look up, at that bottomless pit, the sun so far away...and i dont even know how to climb.......but i know that tomorrow, i will start climbing, and that fuggin demon alcohol will try to put that shovel back in my hands....and he is so huge, i cant fight him, so will pick up that shovel again........and i am powerless over alcohol, and i know it........i surrender, but surrender doesn't seem to satisfiy that beast....he wants complete and utter torture of my soul..............
Hey lost everybody is reachable but as alcoholics we think we are not teachable.Why should we be,we have seen what this disease has done to us already and took no notice so why should we listen now.
Keep an open mind and just dont drink today and as the fog clears you will be willing to learn.You will come to find out that the demon you think is all powerful is only a tiny part of your real self.
Keep an open mind and just dont drink today and as the fog clears you will be willing to learn.You will come to find out that the demon you think is all powerful is only a tiny part of your real self.
Went to a meeting once in Santa Fe, NM. A woman there had an interesting story. She would go to AA meetings, then find herself drinking later on the same night. She brought this up to some people at one of the meetings and was told "If you keep going to meetings and drinking, sooner or later you'll stop doing one of them". She wound up stopping drinking. At the time she told this little story, she had 18 years sober.
Don't beat yourself up about what happened yesterday. As trite as it may sound, today is another day. Try and remember what you're going through. If you get sober, your memories of what you are experiencing now could be invaluable to someone else going to the same thing.
Also, try to see what you're getting out of the drink. Is it really worth taking? It's hard, i know. Once I couldn't imagine going through life without a drink. I'm so much happier than I was in those days.
Don't beat yourself up about what happened yesterday. As trite as it may sound, today is another day. Try and remember what you're going through. If you get sober, your memories of what you are experiencing now could be invaluable to someone else going to the same thing.
Also, try to see what you're getting out of the drink. Is it really worth taking? It's hard, i know. Once I couldn't imagine going through life without a drink. I'm so much happier than I was in those days.
not only am i powerless over alcohol once i have that first drink......i am so powerless over it sober....it calls to me....and i follow.....
Sometimes it takes personal experience to realize these principles. It's the hard way, but some need to learn this way. Myself included.
Hi lost
I feel for you, your story of desperation sounds a lot like mine a yr ago.
I was at my wits end, tried everything to stop the vicious cycle. I finally realized I had to go away, break the cycle, somewhere safe , get some soberity behind me . I knew I would DIE if I did not enter de-tox followed by rehab.
It wasn't cheap, but you can't put a price on life and sanity. Went to a 28 day detox-rehab facility and sobered up and amazingly learned some things. Being clear headed and stronger, I was able to put up that much delayed fight for my sanity and LIFE. I am soooooo GLAD I made that decision , my life is great right now, my gratitude list flows over.
Losteverything, I think you might benefit from this like I did....I hope you much sober success.
Work Hard And Enjoy Life....NED
I was at my wits end, tried everything to stop the vicious cycle. I finally realized I had to go away, break the cycle, somewhere safe , get some soberity behind me . I knew I would DIE if I did not enter de-tox followed by rehab.
It wasn't cheap, but you can't put a price on life and sanity. Went to a 28 day detox-rehab facility and sobered up and amazingly learned some things. Being clear headed and stronger, I was able to put up that much delayed fight for my sanity and LIFE. I am soooooo GLAD I made that decision , my life is great right now, my gratitude list flows over.
Losteverything, I think you might benefit from this like I did....I hope you much sober success.
Work Hard And Enjoy Life....NED
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
Posts: 1
Hi Losteverything,
This is my first post on this board since I just discovered it. Maybe I should not even be saying anything because I am not yet sober but I can relate to your story. My wife and I both manage to drag ourselves into work everyday. We both have professional jobs and are afraid to take time off to seek treatment. Every time we try to stop drinking, it only lasts for a day or two. Our life has become very simple. We are either at work or we are at home drinking.
One thing you said that you were afraid to check into a treatment facility because you though you may loose your job.... Are you sure of that? Most employers have substance abuse help policies and claim to be supportive for people that want to get help.
I will tell you what we have planned. My wife is an accountant so fall and winter are the busy times for her. Year end audits, closings and tax time make it hard to take time off until late April. So this past December when they were passing the vacation schedule around, We both scheduled all our annual vacation for the entire month of May. We have been doing research on the various treatment facilities in our area. We have both picked out a program to attend. Much to my surprise all the programs will not take a married couple into treatment at the same time. So we will be taking the journey at the same time but at different facilities.
I blocked out my time in May as vacation time to insure none of my coworkers would plan anything for the time I would be gone. We both want to minimize the impact of our being gone from work. When it comes time to enter treatment I intend to tell my manager the real story. Our HR policy is that they will allow 30 days absence from work for substance abuse treatment so when it comes down to it I will not even have to use any of my vacation time. We both talk about our commitment all the time. I will be glad when May finally gets here. I really think we can do this thing.
So I feel you pain brother. Hang in there and don't give up. If you can not do it on you own then maybe you can think of a way to get yourself into treatment.
This is my first post on this board since I just discovered it. Maybe I should not even be saying anything because I am not yet sober but I can relate to your story. My wife and I both manage to drag ourselves into work everyday. We both have professional jobs and are afraid to take time off to seek treatment. Every time we try to stop drinking, it only lasts for a day or two. Our life has become very simple. We are either at work or we are at home drinking.
One thing you said that you were afraid to check into a treatment facility because you though you may loose your job.... Are you sure of that? Most employers have substance abuse help policies and claim to be supportive for people that want to get help.
I will tell you what we have planned. My wife is an accountant so fall and winter are the busy times for her. Year end audits, closings and tax time make it hard to take time off until late April. So this past December when they were passing the vacation schedule around, We both scheduled all our annual vacation for the entire month of May. We have been doing research on the various treatment facilities in our area. We have both picked out a program to attend. Much to my surprise all the programs will not take a married couple into treatment at the same time. So we will be taking the journey at the same time but at different facilities.
I blocked out my time in May as vacation time to insure none of my coworkers would plan anything for the time I would be gone. We both want to minimize the impact of our being gone from work. When it comes time to enter treatment I intend to tell my manager the real story. Our HR policy is that they will allow 30 days absence from work for substance abuse treatment so when it comes down to it I will not even have to use any of my vacation time. We both talk about our commitment all the time. I will be glad when May finally gets here. I really think we can do this thing.
So I feel you pain brother. Hang in there and don't give up. If you can not do it on you own then maybe you can think of a way to get yourself into treatment.
Next time you go to a meeting pick up the publication LIVING SOBER. It was extremely helpful to me in early sobriety where all I was thinking about was a drink.
And get phone #s of AA members! Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink. If it helps, tell yourself you WILL drink AFTER the phone call. Then after the call you can reassess that decision. See if you can put the drink off another few hours. And so on.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about; this happens to tons and tons of people. Keep coming back!
And get phone #s of AA members! Pick up the phone before you pick up a drink. If it helps, tell yourself you WILL drink AFTER the phone call. Then after the call you can reassess that decision. See if you can put the drink off another few hours. And so on.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about; this happens to tons and tons of people. Keep coming back!
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
..."
BB, How it Works, pg. 59
Sounds to me like you might have completed step one. Just remember to keep working that step all day today. Repeat tomorrow. Repeat the next day... . Keep going back to meetings and then start with the rest of the program when you are ready. Keep an eye out for a sponsor that can help you with this and the following steps. Don't get discouraged, you are on your way to knowing "a new freedom and a new happiness." (BB, 83)
kp
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
There is a passage in the Big Book of AA which described my situation perfectly
"we could not begin to imagine our lives either with or without alcohol, we stood at the turning point"...
Even though I'm an addict, that book was written for me, about me in the 1930's...
Do a search for the Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous, there's an online version.
When you really want to drink, come here, go to an AA meeting or read that instead.
Go to your employer, most are very willing to work with you about your problem.
I even got to use vacation pay and temporary disability when I was off for treatment.
"we could not begin to imagine our lives either with or without alcohol, we stood at the turning point"...
Even though I'm an addict, that book was written for me, about me in the 1930's...
Do a search for the Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous, there's an online version.
When you really want to drink, come here, go to an AA meeting or read that instead.
Go to your employer, most are very willing to work with you about your problem.
I even got to use vacation pay and temporary disability when I was off for treatment.
It sounds like you have come or are coming close to the point where you will just realise you have to stop and do it. I found I was 3 days sober and realised I could just carry on being sober and I made the choice and now I have to make that choice every second of every day. I have only been to one AA meeting and I went drunk and got drunk after it too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Lost,
Keep going to meetings. Keep it simple, and try not to overwhelm yourself with all of these decisions. Try to connect with others at meetings, and share your struggles. You don't have to do this alone.
Most of all, quit kicking yourself. Today is a brand new day (and so will tomorrow for that matter)
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Rowan
Keep going to meetings. Keep it simple, and try not to overwhelm yourself with all of these decisions. Try to connect with others at meetings, and share your struggles. You don't have to do this alone.
Most of all, quit kicking yourself. Today is a brand new day (and so will tomorrow for that matter)
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Rowan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
You people are amazing.....!!!
thanks all....
I came back on tonight, and was fearful that i was going to be harshly chastized, and not one of you gave me **** about how i slipped....I cant thank you enough for that....I want to be one of you, and well, had the choice tonight to go into the liquor store, it beckoned me, and i drove past it.....day one of sobriety again......
i remember a saying i heard once....... A man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man....
thats how i am......when i take that first drink, i have no control over the rest....i am the drinks puppet....
I came back on tonight, and was fearful that i was going to be harshly chastized, and not one of you gave me **** about how i slipped....I cant thank you enough for that....I want to be one of you, and well, had the choice tonight to go into the liquor store, it beckoned me, and i drove past it.....day one of sobriety again......
i remember a saying i heard once....... A man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man....
thats how i am......when i take that first drink, i have no control over the rest....i am the drinks puppet....
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: syracuse,ny
Posts: 99
I'm two for two this morning!!! Two friends here at SR who have turned the corner and started on the path to clean living. Good for you and us. Now, keep it up. Much hard work to follow. But you've made the first steps and already feel the difference. Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
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