Mercedes1

Hi, I have a question. I am relatively new in recovery. 44 days. I started to have a serious emotional melt down last few days. Largely because I have come to a place in recovery I feel "stagnant". Definitly do not want to go back but feel moving forward is a road block too. I attended a step meeting last night and everyone was all over the step 4 as being the "changing point" to recovery. Basically it was suggested that w/out step four you are destined to fall.

Well, being new and not doing the steps "yet" with anyone, this freaked me out more. I have a sponsor and we are talking but we have not begun any steps formally yet. However I have already dived in since day one on reading the steps, journaling, taking notes ..basically dong them on my own. I aslo read daily, attend meetings daily. So, I was confused and quite frustrated that I felt the way I did in last few days that I wasn't doing "enough".

then, last night I also attended later in eve a beginners meeting. I shared that I don't want to be blamed for being one of those people that fall, then say ...well, she never did the steps, or didn't do step 4, or didnt do this or that. I am trying all I can so talk about pressure.

Then a wonderful older man, with over 20 years leaned over and told me..don't listen to all of that when people say you "have" to do this or you "have" to do that. He said don't drink, time, sharing and listening are the foundation. That's is enough. He then asked me how do you feel at 43 days (43 yesterday) ...do you feel better? I said yes. He said, then It's working. Congrats.

So, just wanted to throw that out. Steps are important for helping, deep diving and getting to know your self, but when people use steps, no steps, not enough, not doing it right as an "excuse" or ANY excuse fo that matter, Not enough meetings.. (how many times have i heard someone that fell say..well I know now I didn't attend enough meetings...went to 5 instead of 10)... that never rang right with me!!!

Basically this guy last night has the right mind...there is no excuse. It gets better if you believe, not drink and support one another. Steps come in your own time and own way. This was proven last night when it opened the meeting up and everyone had a different "opinion" on steps. Some dived right away, some said took them 2.5 years before step 4..some said (as the guy next to me did) they never did the steps just kept coming back and now they have many, many years. When I say didn't do the steps, I ment formally.

I think putting to much pressure on those steps causes more harm then not. However I do believe in the steps just not using them as an excuse or putting deadlines to them.

eire rose

Hi Mercedes

Welcome and congrats on 43 days!

I didn't do the forth step until I had about 6 months sober. I too was intimidated when I first came to AA and really wasn't ready.

You will know when the time is right, not drinking and going to meetings is the foundation right now and when you need more you will look towards step work.

Trust that when the work is ready for you to start it will present itself in such a way that you will be able to move into it without fear.

Love, Rose

CarolD

I have been in AA for 22+ years
continiously sober for 17+
and have never met a member who is my AA clone.

I know there is no time line for step work.
Nor a set ammount of meetings required by the BB.
And sponsors are not named as such in our BB.

Relax and let your recovery flow
Congratulations on your sober time!

sober..finally

I guess I tend to disagree, all good words spoken however, in my experiance. I went to meetings and didn't do any step work for about 2 years, became miserable and stopped going to meetings, for about 2 more years. Then came the insanity of the first drink and I was off for 6 more years. I am a true alcholic, meaning there is no drug use in my story, therefore I will talk of Bill W. and of AA but everything I say can be rolled over to NA.

On the top of page 64, he writes that though are decision (the 3rd step) was a crucial and vital one it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by an effort to be rid of the things that had been blocking us.

That would be step 4. We know that our problem centers in our mind. Therefore, we have to find out what is causing the problem. A written inventory, is exactly what we need. The inventory is simply a list of who were mad at. If done according to the book is 4 lists with five columns each.

We know who were mad at write it down
We know what we are fearful of write it down
We know who we have harmed both sexual nonsexual write it down.

I would not be able to get through my day to day had I not done this. I am a fan of the 4th step because of the info about myself that I gained from it. I learned a little about how my mind works and was able to get through most days without all this crap rolling around in my head.

Congrats on you 44 or 5 days. That is tough. Forgive me if I seem harsh. I am a staunch Big Book thumper. I don't believe that just going to meetings is the answer, at least it wasn't for me. Go to meetings, work with others, get involved in service work, and work the steps. Stay in contact with your HP, whatever you chose to call it, and life will get better. It has for me.

BTW I have 57 days.

Scoty

Tazman53

I have almost 5 months now and will be starting on step 4 in a few weeks, no one told me I was going to pick up if I didn't do step X within a certain time frame!

As some one else said I agree with working them at your own pace, do not get me wrong as Sober....Finally said once someone has completed step 3 they should quickly move on to step 4 because it is a true beginning to understanding ourselves and the things that we need to deal with for happy long term sobriety.

I do know one guy who just celebrated 21 years that still has not completed step three, he just can not get beyond it! The guy is sober but miserable, the only thing that has kept him sober is the fellowship.

Like you Mercedes I have done the steps several times by myself which has helped me quite a bit, but doing them with a sponsor guiding you is a better way.... well at least in this old drunks opinion.

koruptdata

Do you guys think it's absolutely necessary for AA meetings and step processes to overcome the problem? I consider myself mentally strong but I've never been able to overcome my alcoholism (4 years of heavy drinking now, only 20 years old but it's come to the point that I've ruined my life and my health has severly declined).

I'm inexperienced with recovery and I've only ever gotten to 3 days sober. Right now I'm heading into my 3rd day again.

Sheryl85

I also felt I was a strong person (and I was, to a certain extent, to survive everything that I had survived), but when willpower comes up against addiction…addiction whips willpower's butt every time. It takes more than just meetings to keep me sober and that’s what the Steps are for. It takes a new way of living. The Program (meetings included) and the Steps are my bridge to “normal” living.

I agree with everyone who has stressed the importance of the Steps. I wouldn’t be sober today if it wasn’t for them. I started taking them when I got my Sponsor (and Carol is right—the BB doesn’t talk about a sponsor because when it was written you usually worked with the person who 12-Stepped you) and that process was started within the first 30 days. When I took the Steps I took them in order. I looked at the them and I broke them down as such: One through Three are for “Giving Up”, Four through Six are for “Cleaning Up”, Seven through Nine are for “Making Up”, and Ten through Twelve are the “Keeping Up” Steps. Sometimes I have to break things down to a very simple level.

Remember, this is strictly speaking about what worked for me. All I know is that I’m not drinking today and I am Happy about it. Contented sobriety—that’s all I ever wanted. One last thing, as I said before, I found that for me I had to work the Steps in order. If I got stuck on one, I stepped back to the Step before to see what I missed. You see, as you read the book and you will get to the part that starts to cover Step Ten and you will read a sentence that says. ”For by now sanity will have returned,” This tells me that if I do everything necessary between Steps Two and Ten I’m going to have some sane thinking working for me. It doesn’t say a darn thing about it staying, but that’s where the rest of the Steps come in. Anyway, that’s what has worked for me. Hope you found something helpful in there.

Funnybunny

To Koruptdata:

Although I know that some people have done it without meetings I strongly suggest you make it easy on yourself and go to meetings, lots of meetings.
As far as the steps go I think they are necessary for our growth and progress. In my search for honesty in my life I find I do the steps informally but I also think it is good to do them in a formal manner. In fact, I just got a new sponsor -have been without for a while - and am looking forward to doing the steps with this new sponsor.
But I think what ever you do, go to meetings and get involved in it.

Good Luck

CarolD

koruptdata...
Yes, I do.
AA is what keeps me in balance.

There are various recovery methods to use
they are listed in the top Sticky posts.

I can only tell you about AA
as I did not use any others.

Look at it this way koruptdata
Why not?

Keep asking wuestions
We are here to help you.

eire rose

I agree that you have a better chance of staying sober by working the steps, definately important, when the fog clears, for me it was only possible at about 4 months sober to start step work.

I think that fellowship and service in AA are important too.



This why we need some form of help, AA, Smart ....etc...some form of support.

and if you are working the steps, which involve looking at oneself, tools for coping, loving yourself and others you learn how to live free.

Love, Rose

Mercedes1

Thanks all. I believe it all boils down to God (your higher power that is). Noone can take the place of the experience of someone's relationship to God in their walk through sobriety. all the steps boil down to this, right? True step work is your relationship with Him (or how you see Him). For example, you can have 2 people go to church, read the same bible and one has more joy then then the other. The difference is their "relationship" in their approach, not the approach itself. Same with AA. You can find an argument for anything..Did the steps too soon, didn't do them right when you did them, waited too late, glossed over it, didn't confess enough, didn't amend enough, slouched on meetings. And for sponsors, what if you have a sponsor that is not good at "sponsoring". You can have an excellent rep that is a hideous manager in the workplace (not everyone is a good sponsor). I actually had someone tell me (only 43 days into this) I wasn't working my sponsor enough?? Now I have to feel guilty over my sponsor on my sobriety? If my best thinking got me here, it serves reason it will not get me anywhere "working" my sponsor? .... Basically, this is all about realizing a power greater than ourselves, then who are we to take that control back out of Gods hands and put in our own efforts, even efforts designed by Him - steps, sponsors, support (worshiping the gift over the giver so to speak). In terms of resentments, listing all people you are "mad" at? That is assuming you have lived your life with grudges. I personally always mend an issue before I move on for the most part. IOW, I learned that step along time ago and pattern my life on that every day. So to assume everyone needs a formal list of who they need to stop hating is presumptious everyone has same needs in terms of forgivness and cleaning out. So for that step, I have already handled it or better continue to "handle" it w/out formally addressing that step in AA. Case in point, let God lead you through the steps as He sees fit, not somoeone else. Just my 2 cents.

Tazman53

Mercedes I agree with what you say, I am not sure what your relationship is like with your sponsor, but my first sponsor (temporary) told me that it is important to click with your sponsor, the steps are probably the most important thing for the 2 of you to click on. Every sponsor is different and trust me, if you fire one sponsor and get another the fired one is not going to get drunk over it. If you are happy with your sponsor the talk to them and let them know how you fell.

concolor1

And I feel a need to thank CarolD for her warm welcome on another thread.

I'd give my sobriety date like they do in Texas, but sure as shoot somebody out there would be hollering, "Where do they get these F@#$K!%&! liars?"

Where is it that I need to be? Simple . . . Sharing experience, strength, and hope with others with the same disease I have . . .

On the subject of 4th Step Inventories, I took one early on after I hit AA and spent an afternoon sharing it with a man who became Sponsor #2 (Sponsor #1 had already got drunk).

I then took a job on the road and relapsed using an "outside issue" (and that event reflects my sobriety date even though--thank God!--I didn't drink).

I don't think the Inventory had anything to do with smoking that bowl (I'd acknowleged to my sponsor I was still indulging in that one, but back then nobody in AA in this part of the country was talking much about that subject). I had everything to do with it since it was pretty indicative of my membership in the "Half measures" crowd . . .

It was a particularly painful event, but like most such things around the Fellowship, it had its lessons for this slow learner . . . I quit the job and came home and sitting in a meeting a few days later I "took Step One" . . .

Well, the first half anyway, which I learned was the only one any of us do perfectly . . . I was overcome by the powerful realization of my own powerlessness and and absolutely accepted that reality . . . More inventories followed (I had a lot of arrogance to shed, still bites me on the hiney now and then), more amends, and more times on my knees with Steps Seven and Eleven . . .

I learned to trust the process--still do since I was pulling some forty year old garbage up just the other night from when I was a kid--even though it sucks at times.

Do you have to take the steps to stay away from the sauce? No . . .

But you get to . . . Think of it as a privilege . . .

Staying sober at times will be painful, which is why I clung to those hokey little slogans so much (gotta learn to work the Emoticons and I hope they have some there although I see right now they're disabled). There's a huge tendency to give meaning to every little incident happening, and I believe now it's brought about in part by our own pain . . . What? An alcoholic being a bit delusional because of some self-centered stuff? Naw, never happens ;-) . . .

Best wishes and keep sharing . . .