marius404

Just thought i would share some of the insanity that goes through my head.



Evil me: Ok, time to cut the crap. It's been over a month now and its time to quit playing around and have a drink.

Not so evil me: But I don't need a drink. I need to straighten up and live right. Drinking is killing me.

Evil me: Look you had your fun a month is a good bit of time and it did you good, but you know u cant live sober. It just isn't meant to be. You don't have to drink all the time but you have to drink, its who you are.

Not so evil me: I can't. I have to do this I have to get control of my life. I'm 26 and what do I have to show for it? What have I accomplished? I don't want to be remembered as that guy who drank all the time and never had any real ambition in life.

Evil me: Good life, bad life, sober , drunk, it doesn't matter. Reguardless of how u live it all ends the same. It ends with a corpse decomposing in the ground with nothing left to reflect on how he spent his time on earth. Why not go out with a bang.

Not so evil me: drinking doesn't make me happy.

Evil me: nonsense. Drinking makes you plenty happy. Its the getting sober again that hurts. Its the feelings of guilt and remorse after a binge that hurt. That's what needs to stop. drinking isn't the problem, Feeling bad for not being able to be something your not is the problem. Thats what needs to end. Just except your fate.

Not so evil me: I cant. I cant give in now. If all I have is a few fleeting moments of life on this earth than so be it. I have but one life to live and one chance to rise above all the hardships of existance and find a way to be at peace with myself. I want to die proud of who I was, what I was. If this is it, if this is all there is, then I have to give it all I've got

Evil me: fine, be that way, just remember you wont always be so sure of yourself. I'll bide my time and eventually you will fail, and I'll be here waiting.

LetStartOver

I think we share an Evil Me. Sometimes instead of having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on another I have a devil on each. Just remember who is driving. We have a survival instinct. Use it. You don't know how many moments you have. Make as many as you can enjoyable! The Evil Me is nowhere to be found when you're hugging your toilet. The Evil Me is not there to face the consequences. You are.

LetStartOver

I've recorded my thoughts while drinking. I think it's a good idea because you're right. It is insanity that goes thru our heads. Alcohol kills brain cells, the good ones unfortunately. Pour the bottle down the drain. Unscrewing the cap is step one but step two can be pouring it down your throat or the drain. Guess which is best for waking up refreshed?

kpnewlife

Scary to think about. That reminds me of what an oldtimer at a meeting said once. He has almost 30 years sobriety and he said his alcoholism is alive and well. It's outside the building right now doing pushups. I thought it was kind of an interesting analogy for the chronic, progressive nature of this disease. I guess we just have to force our not so evil self to work out a lot in recovery so it can beat the crap out of that evil self.

stone

Very true. Well said.

ay100

I hope you won't have this conversation when you're in your 40's. Drinking ain't no fun for sure. It is bad and embaressing to wake up in the morning without any clue what went down last night and it is sad to see brusies on your body and have no clue how you have them.

You're still young. Think about it.

Nuudawn

The addictive voice is a powerful thing. It lives in my ego...with all the other punitive voices that judge, criticize both myself and others. I feel fortunate in that I believe some sort of separation has occured between my ego-self and my honest and natural self. Two months ago I fell down in defeat and realized that I had captained my ship into the jowls of hell...all my defense based fabrications of ego had manifested misery in my life. Today it's all about living life in honesty, courage and freedom...freedom to be who I truly am...not the dishonest facade I had created listening to those ego voices.

I experienced an alcohol craving one evening while looking at an empty wine glass my roommate had left on the coffee table. It was almost like an out of body (mind I guess) experience...I could "feel" my craving...the powerful urge for wine to slide down my throat...it was screaming yet there was no power behind it for some reason. Instead I was observing it ...almost in amusement. I am eternally grateful for the "separation" I am experiencing.

Tazman53

Kind of cool isn't it.

I find myself laughing at it, the first two times I was heading over to my sponsors to do step work the alcoholic in me said "Don't forget to stop and get some beer since you are going over to someones house!" I kind of laughed at my disease thinking "You idiot, you know where I am going!" last week he didn't say a word! LOL

collinsmi

Hahahahaha, I know that voice.

"If I can't hit you straight on, I'll come at you from the side, or some way you won't see. I'll hit you from your blind spot."

"Screw that meeting, you don't need to go. Ain't nobody there that can stop talking, they all think it's a speaker meeting and they're the speaker. Your ears will fall clean off the side of your head."

"Man, do you have to pray/write 11th step inventory EVERY day? God won't mind if you take some time off."

"Those fools will drink till the day they die. Anyone can see that. Don't waste your breath."

Then, once I listen to those suggestions........

"Resentment x IS justified. I'll get them somehow. I'll get mine."

"Been blowing off this AA stuff for a while. Still haven't drank. Probably not really an alcoholic. One sure would be nice. But WHICH one? Molson's, Old Bushmills, a nice stout..... OOOoh, I can't wait!!!!!!!"

Was listening to a Paul O CD the other day. He proposed that all those voices, Evil me, not so evil me, and all the others, are just suggestions. Can act on which ones I want, or none at all.

justicej

someone I respect once said "My feelings are the fuel that my addict uses to to act out". This person is also in recovery so I don't know if they heard it from somewhere else, but I use it when I need a reality check on those inner voices.

came2believe

That's quite well written, well done.

I was reading STAGE II RECOVERY by Earnie Larsen and in it he discusses a group therapy he ran where this one group member ran up to the circle and said I HAVE THE ANSWER! The group member described how in his brain, there was a bus driver's seat, complete with a steering column, radio, windshield wiper, even a cup of coffee. Problem was, the bus was being steered by a mad, fiery junkie. The group member said: "THE ANSWER IS, THERE IS A JUNKIE DRIVING THE BUS!"

Earnie Larsen said, well of course no passenger would want to put his life in the hands of a junkie bus driver. Yet, we often let our own inner junkie drive our bus. Even if we are not drinking or using, we permit junkie-like thought patterns to steer our emotions.

I have an Evil Me too. What helps me is to visualize my Evil Me driving my bus at a million miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic, as a Mini-Me. I visualize kicking her off the bus, down the steps onto the pavement. Then my best, sober self can drive the bus safely and to the proper destination. It helps to weaken and deflate the Evil Me and make her much less powerful. Sometimes I also visualize popping her like one of those character balloons.

Tazman53

C2B I heard an Old Timer share that his first three years in the program were like a mental hell even though he stayed sober, he used a similar analogy, but he said it was not until he got out of the drivers seat and let his HP drive his life that he started to find real serenity! Man I love Old Timers (I don't like every one of them, but most)