manchester paul

after 18 months of good serene sobriety with the help of AA the last 12 months or so have been hell,panic anxiety,unable to go to work life sucks.

doctor has put me on AD's but they dont seem to be helping my anxiety or panic disorder,at the moment i'm being passed back and forth from department to department,being told to try CBT to see if that helps,i find myself asking lately why stay sober if i am this miserable.

is this a secondary illness or part of the 'ISM',

i pray most nights and mornings nothing seems to help,

any thoughts ?

eire rose

Hi Paul,

I sought help for depression after 1 year sober, I was miserable and knew that there was something amiss. I am really glad that I waited a year, I was completely sure that I was doing the right thing, although it wasn't fun.

I like you debated weather it was detox or ism or just a natural reaction, it got to a point where I had enough. I am very grateful that I sought medical help and was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and mild ocd, I have had it since childhood and was self-medicating with alcohol.

I tried a couple of different meds before I got the one that worked for me, don't be discouraged, everyone's body is different, reacts differently to certain things.

Hang in there, when you get what works for you things will improve.

Congrats on the sober time too.

Love, Rose

frstnm

ccccrrrrist there's gotta b 3x365 reasons why not to
dont ask me though lord knows i havnt been able to do it yet but i give u alot of credit
i didnt have anywhere near your time and have pretty much blown a new job
keep strong the mental crap does go away even for us new guys sometimes...
hope it helps

CarolD

Hi Paul...
I have no answer but I will semd Prayers and
Mega Hugs your way.

Congratulations on your sober time!

BigGirlPanties

How you worked the 12 steps with a sponsor?

mimir

Paul, my brother who detoxed about 2 years ago faced almost the same thing you described and unfortunately relapsed after a few months. I had suggested this to him which seemed to help (despite his relapse) somewhat with his depression: Try new things in your life, change your daily routine, keep yourself busy, go out on walks, do any activity that takes your mind off habitual thoughts or worries that may aggravate the depression. Keep your attention focused on what you are physically doing in the moment, any activity that helps you to do that may be of benefit. Good luck.

came2believe

The one thing I can think of is S.A.D. (seasonal-affective disorder). It is so grey and sullen around Manchester I am sure. I do not suffer from SAD, but I have friends who do and they have benefitted from light therapy.

Here's a notice from Cleveland Clinic about SAD.

http://www.clevelandclinic.org/healt...asp?index=6412

Of course, I don't know your exact circumstances, but the webpage has a self-diagnosis, maybe that could be it.

I will pray that you find a healthy solution that brings the serenity you deserve!!! xxx

Rather b railin

Work the steps. Read the book. Go to meetings. Talk to your sponsor. Try to help a new comer. Do the program so hard til its over kill, then go to 90 in 90 and try that. Do everything in your power to try and avoid medication first. Exercise? Steady, consistent exercise? Try it.

If you need meds, you needs meds and there are plenty of happily medicating people out there that truly need it. There are also a ton of people looking for a fix in a pill that don't want to try to change or get outside of their comfort zone and grow in a new life. Just sayin'.

GlassPrisoner

Good advice railin'. Nuthin' here to add.

manchester paul

thanks for takin your time to reply people and giving words of encouragment..

yes i have a sponsor and do the steps to the best of my ability,which is why for the first 18 months of my sobriety was brilliant,

then i made a mistake and did something i'm deeply ahamed of and regret doing,which it would appear i have got away with in terms of being found out by my wife, and i think that the guilt worry and remorse is what has triggered off this depression/anxiety through all the worry.

i have shared what i did with my sponsor and a a few close AA's and they have all said the same thing...forgive yourself because god has and will forgive you for anything if you ask him to

thanks again for taking the time to reply people

paul

ay100

Hi Paul;

I suffer from Panic Disorder too. CBT helped me a lot to understand this disorder and taught me to deal with it. Don't drink, alcohol is a fast anexiety remover yet it brings you down with deeper depression which in the end will maifest itself with more severe anxiety.

paulmh

Hi Paul, sounds like you've worked out what's been causing your emotional instability. It's not only resentments which are poison to us. It sounds like you are going to have to find a way to put this thing to rest.

Tazman53

Man Paul, in regards to the drinking you know that it is a depressant and if you pick up you will be doubly depressed, 1 time due to alcohol and the other for picking up after all this time.

I was working the steps with my sponsor last night and in the BB it mentions that their are areas that we are all different in and have our problems with that we need to work out between our self and our HP, sharing it with your sponsor and trusted folks is a very smart move.

Keep going to meetings, I am working on the assumption that this is a 13th step issue, you know your HP has forgiven you if you are not continuing what you did, you have to forgive yourself otherwise you are competing with your HP who has already forgiven you.

Man Paul pray for the guidance you need and the understanding that you are forgiven. Learn from this and move on, if you pick up you have given in. Get back in touch with your HP and give the hurt, the pain and the shame over to him, do as he leads you to do.

You will be in my prayers.

Nuudawn

Hey Paul,
I am truly troubled by your trouble. I wish I had some wordy magical cure...of course I don't. What I do wonder is if there was anything that changed at that 18 month mark...as you said those first 18 were good and serene. Did you go through some sort of drastic change or tragedy? Did you quit going to AA and drop the support? Is there something you can think of that caused the turn into darkness?

GlassPrisoner

Nuudawn, I think it has somethng to do with this:

Hang in there Paul. Sounds like you need another 4th & 5th step to relieve the guilt of whatever it is you did. The 9th step kind of suggests we don't tell the wife if it will cause a huge disruption.

Nuudawn

Thanks GlassPrisoner...I did miss that.

Although I am in very early recovery....I noticed after a bout of darkness, depression and struggle I did come out of..what that the darkness was caused by my dishonesty with self and fear of facing someone I truly and deeply cared about. I had to do what I had to do ...if I could not find the courage to do what needed to be done than I might as well drink. That's how I felt about it anyway. It was hardest thing I ever done ...and yep, there were aftershocks...but I know I was able to continue with my spiritual progress because of it. I know that had I not been courageous and honest for myself...I would have remained in struggle...and quite likely, may have drank.

wozzek

Perfectly put!!

I am undergoing the worst crisis in my life - I want to drink every single moment even though I have no money left, no job and no home - and the ONLY way how I am coping with the urge and not drinking is brutal honesty with myself. It really is horrorifying to see, to finally understand what kind of havoc this &%#% disease has wreaked in my life, my mind, my spirit...

For the first time I understood that even when I was sober for couple of years (two relapses) I was, in fact, a dry drunk, someone never ready to accept sobriety as the only way of living and stayed in that limbo where the obesity, mild depression, severe obsessions and so on, took booze's place for a while.

Once we put the booze aside, my honest opinion is that this is just a beginning - now we have to deal with life and ourselves. Not being an active drunk anymore is only a conditio sine qua non. The sobriety is not only the end of the era of being a drunk it shall be the beginning of being a human again.

Grrrr... such a horror our friend in Manchester is going through. So as my small token of a respect to his struggles and "using" his pain as reminder that we all need help in our pains I am not going to drink today...

GlassPrisoner

Nice to see you grow Wozzek. You're starting to "get it".

Nuudawn

Yep...and with the emotional maturity of an adolescent...this is tough effin work. I might look like an adult human...but I feel far from it. Adulthood starting at 40. Grrrrr..is right. But man, I gotta admit..as exhausting as this is...it's one helluva inner adventure. Never a dull moment these days...just one challenge after another. My brain is getting sooooooooo buff...lol.

wozzek

Hehe, yes, it seems I am growing, thank you! My agonizing struggles with the urge reminded me of the line from the movie I really love, "Once Were Warriors". After Beth decided to leave her violent, alcoholic husband and told him so he did not have the strenght to beat her again. Why? Because she outgrew his muscles, his agression, his booze and finally has found the freedom from the abuse.

I would like to able to echo her words, "If my spirit can survive living with you for eighteen years, then I can survive anything" and say if I was able to survive a life of drinkng, then I can survive anything.