Gwenlady

I have a couple of things that I need to get off my chest and I figured there was no better place to come to than here. Well, I want to start by confessing that I'm still an alcoholic. I tried so hard today but at the last minute I ran to the liquor store in my pajamas to get my fix. I don't know what alcohol does in someones body. You know all the "scientific" stuff. I'm not that kind of person that cares about all the details. All I do know is that It's done something to me that has drastically changed my life. In the past couple of days I've really been thinking about how much I've changed just since 2001.That was when I started drinking.basically in High school. I can clearly remember that I really felt like I could'nt have a good time without drinking. Time goes on and responsibilities change now I drink straight Vodka! About a half a bottle a day also. Anyhow I haven't held a job in years and I live with my mom. If it wasn't for her I'd probably be homeless. However, I have decided to do something about it . I went out today and filled out job applications. I kept telling myself that I need to get my life together and move on from this. A job will help take my mind off the drinking and help me to establish a little discipline that has been much needed. Most of all I can maybe get out of my mom's house. She feels like she owes it to me to help me out and buy me things because I took care of her for so long .She was in a severe car accident and lost one of her legs so I had to take care of my family then. Now it's time to show her that I have grown up.I was so inspired to get on with it. Anyway I just wanted to say that I'm really trying and wish me some luck. Most of all don't ever doubt yourself or think that you can't change. You're really only capable of what you believe you can do and not just what you know you can do. I hope this helps someone else out there because I've kept telling myself this and I keep listening to that song "some people change" It's all really helped me.

CarolD

It was great that you could help your Mom
when she needed you..Hugs

Have you talked to your doctor about your drinking?
that is always a wise move.

Have you considered how you are going to stay sober?
That was the hard part for me.

Keep posting...let us know how you are doing.
We do understand.

chip

Thanks for posting.

The beauty of life is that we all keep changing. You've seen how drinking has changed your life. It sounds like you want to get your life back.

Posting on SR is a good start. I think it would be an excellent idea to see a doctor about your drinking too.

Thanks for sharing with us. I hope you'll find some answers that work for your life.
chip

findingout

Thanks for sharing this with us Gwenlady. Here's one of my favorite quotes about recovery:

"None of us can help what life has done to us. It's done before we realize it and once it's done, it makes us do other things. Until in the end we find that everything has come between us and who we really wanted to be. And we've lost our true selves forever." - from 'Long Days Journey Into Night' by Eugene O'Neil.

What I believe today is that we all can change and that we all can find our true selves again. I also believe that real change was impossible for me as long as I continued to drink. Drinking was the anti-serenity prayer - "ignore the things I can change and rail against the things I cannot change."

Stopping drinking is a big change. Whatever happens today, I will not use alcohol as part of the solution - not to celebrate, not to medicate, and not to escape.

Tazman53

Gwenlady welcome to SR, keep in mind you are not alone and there is no reason to try and do this all by yourself.

You have done your family a lot of good, and it looks like you now want to start doing your self good as well.

I drank for 40 years, I tried for the last 10 years to stop on my own and couldn't, I tried it all, the last thing I was willing to try was the only thing that finally kept me sober..... AA.

What a prideful ignorant fool I was, I denied myself sobriety and the love of a great group of people who know exactly what it feels like to be under the control of alcohol, but more importantly they know how to stay sober and be happy doing it and are willing to share how to do that freely with any one who wants it.

Hang in there hon, reach out for help if you need it, there is a hand waiting to take yours and help you walk the joyous free path of sobriety.

kpnewlife

Gwen, great post. It sounds like you really want to change and that is crucial to starting recovery. Life really is better without alcohol. I'm not going to say it's easier, but it's definitely better. I also agree wholeheartedly with your attitude about not doubting yourself. My favorite quote lately has been --

"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
Henry Ford

I got it from the movie "The Secret", although they paraphrased it and made it sound better. Awesome movie by the way, everyone should check it out IMO. As they say in AA, keep coming back.

51 days and things are looking promising for 52,
kp