I don't know if this will work but will try...
 

A bit about me and where I'm at.
I'm a 26 year old male who is going on my 2nd year of hard beer drinking I think to cover anxiety/depression issues. I usually drink 12 light beers a night...a bit more on weekends. I don't get drunk, have never had a dui/dwi, no work problems, nothing. I have had this affect me from a finacial standpoint and a weight gain standpoint. I gave up beer after my divorce last year for 3 months and was at my best I have been in years....it's crazy as I now want that back but cannot break this torture that is having to have beer to make me "fun", to make me "relaxed", to help me "get to sleep". I have gained 40lbs *(6'3 225) because of beer alone. I'm scarred to death that it has affected my liver and I will die a early death. I have a bottle of antabuse calling to me each day that I promise myself at the end of the night I will take...yet never do. I wake up tired, I wake up fat, I wake up sad. I have been through a divorce that destroyed me. I have 2 parents who although would never consider themselves as having problems w/ drinking do and have since I have been a kid...same goes w/ grandparents. I don't and won't go to AA...no time, don't like the cult type feel I get from there. I know there is no miracle that will stop this but I feel inside of me I'm ready to turn the page and am for some reason looking here for assistance....I know it's probably a mistake but I have to try...I have too much to live for and a special unbelieveable person whos life depends on me and my health. Why can't I stop????? Why is it I stopped before and felt so good but can't get back there??????????????????? I hate this yet am trapped in a vicious cycle.

Ahhh but there is.

Thing with miracles though... we need do our part for them to happen.
Many have gven up their poor opinion of AA and found their miracle there.
Don't want to try AA? There are other support programs about that may do you well. Miracles happen for those who believe and seek them.
You want it... you need do what ever it takes to get it...even if it means trying AA or other support programs.

I have been where you are. I want to stop but I can't. Why can't I?

What I learned is that -- I don't have the power. I am power-less. The power is found through a relationship with a Higher Power. The relationship with an HP is found by working the 12 steps of AA.

And guess what? I didn't learn these simple principles until I was 14 years without a drink, had a world of problems, and still utterly miserable trying everything else to 'be happy', 'fun', be able to sleep - be NORMAL, FEEL OK in general.

I tell ya, as much as it "sounds like" it's tough to admit powerlessness and ask for help, it's even harder to be willing to keep on doing theh actions that are suggested that I do in order to get better.

For that reason, I found a sponsor who would HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE every week for doing the step work.

My brain has this script it wants to follow - immediate gratification, don't feel pain at any cost, you can figure it out on your own, you don't need anyone, don't trust anyone.

All of it are what you call "old ideas" in AA. And it's a bunch of crap that will kill me. I have to be WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO RECOVER. That means tossing those ideas and starting all over with a brand new foundation -- that gives me a brand new me that I can feel good about and not try to kill.

I'm on the path like you and I am desperate for change, after another several months of "doing it my way" and failing.

I hope you will take the steps. What have you got to lose?

You might want to try a few meetings before dismissing AA. It's helped millions of people get sober.

As far as not getting DUIs, etc. Just add "yet" to the end. As in, "I haven't gotten a DUI, yet". If you're an alcoholic, the disease will progress. I used to say the same thing. I lost my marriage, house, cars, and a job.

I wasn't until I admitted complete defeat and went to an AA meeting that things started to turn around.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Hi and Welcome!

I suggest you read the top sticky here
for information.

Unchecked alcoholism kills.

Hello Chronos, and welcome to SR.

I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you may be ready to do something about your drinking problem. You've come to the right place. It seems like drinking is no longer working for you. I get the impression that you want to quit, but havn't found the strength to do it yet.

You are not alone. There is hope. A miracle can happen in your life.

I am very much like you. I was a heavy daily beer drinker. Near the end of my drinking, I felt hopless about it. I used beer for all the things you say you use it for: to get to sleep, to deal with anxiety & depression etc.... I couldn't go more than two hours without a beer and stay comfortable. It got really bad for me. Looking back to when I was 26, my daily consumption was similar to yours. It was when I was about 26 that I realized I'm an alcoholic. I didn't have the guts to really confront this problem until I was 32. Those last 6 years of drinking were utter hell for me & my family.

In the end, I remember looking at my flabby body, feeling my aching head, smelling my "beer-y" sweat.... and realizing that I'm running out of options.

AA was always the LAST thing I wanted to do. I thought of it as a cult or a brainwashing thing as well. In the end of my drinking, as I fought to control it, I knew that if I couldn't get it under control I'd have to go to AA....or probably die an alcoholic death after losing everything that was important to me.

It was with my tail between my legs, feeling like an absolute failure, that I finally dragged my butt to AA.

I thought I didn't really have time for AA. Now I realize that I had lots of time to drink my face off, and nurse my hangovers...EVERY day. I can go to an AA meeting EVERY day, and still have more spare time than I did when I was drinking. Seriously, just being sober saves me HOURS each and every day. I choose to work on my recovery every day now, instead of drinking everyday.

About the cult and brainwashing thing...
I've suffered through such profound depression and isolation (mostly mental and spiritual), AA turned into an oasis for me. Suddenly I found people I could relate to. Instead of stuggling alone, I learned that I am not alone. I have wonderful, deep talks with my friends in AA. I couldn't go to a bar, sit down, and tell the guy next to me about how my feelings are hurt and I am sad. In AA, there is always somebody to share with.. and I'm talking about deep human things that make us tick inside.

Brainwashing? I came to the conclusion that my mind is pretty messed up. It could use a good cleaning or a washing ;-) Seriously, alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body and soul. Living sober requires me to change the way I think. I've needed to really change my thought patterns, and learn to deal with life on life's terms. AA has been instrumental for me and it has provided me with tools to do this.

I'm looking back on my words, and realizing it may seem like a big AA testimonial.

I know you are hurting, Chronos, and it's with great sincerity that I want to help you. AA is very accessible. AA is free. AA is successful for millions of people.

I understand alot about what you are going through. I've only been clean and sober for 12.5 months... In my life, the smell of blood from my drinking days is still fresh in my nostrils.

I'll quit pushing the AA thing on you. I will urge you to consider some sort of recovery program to help you get sober. When guys like us quit drinking, we need something to fill the void. A recovery program (of some sort) is the best option for continued sobriety.

I just hope you get some answers on this website. I hope you can find hope. I wish you all the best in your struggle, and I hope you can find sobriety. Things are much better without beer in our lives...
chip

Hello. I can relate to the way your feeling I was there 2 1/2 months ago and today that feels like so long ago. I got outside help through AA and it saved me before things went REALLY bad. I'm 25 and grateful to have gotten sober. It was difficult the first few weeks because drinking is what most of my friends do to have fun. at some point, it just wasn't fun anymore for me. I haven't lost my job or gotten a dui...I just felt awful and couldn't quit. No one around me even knew because from the outside things looked fine.

Taking the drink away still left me with me. All the anxiety, fear and worries were still there and if I didn't take the time to deal with them I would have ended up drinking again and back to where I started. Taking care of myself is nessessary. I can't give what I don't have.

Coming to this board is a great start! I hope you find what you need:)
Jenn

Hey and welcome Chronos,

Admitting a problem exists is the first step (so to speak) in solving any problem. Your post certainly reads as though you know you have a problem but it also seems to say that you don't think the problem is really "that" bad. Compared to where I ended up at age 40, it's not but I could have written your post when I was 26 had I chosen to be the least bit honest about my drinking.

I go to A.A. and I believe in A.A. because A.A. worked for me. Before I stopped, I was drinking two or three every morning just to get out of bed and get the day started. It's been four years and three months since that nightmare ended.

* You don't have to go to A.A *

You don't have to go to A.A., but you do have to do something. I think just stopping drinking often fails because it is essentially not doing something. It's a negative action.

One thing you can do is learn as much as possible about addiction. There are a great number of books available - read them. There are other recovery programs besides A.A. - find one and stick with it. You might also consider a professional outpatient rehab program. I attended one for the first six weeks and it helped - a lot. The sessions were all in the evening so it did not interfere with work.

Whatever way you choose, the willingness, the honesty, and the open mindedness to do what it takes has to come from you. You can do this thing, but you gotta want to do this thing.

Do this thing. You won't regret it.

For me the Miracle did happen via AA and my Higher Power.

As others have said, AA is not the only answer, but I can attest that for me after 40 years of drinking the last 10 of which I treid everything under the sun to od it on my own, this old alcoholic finally admitted defeat, alcohol had kicked my arse and I gave up!

I had no idea where to turn, I could not stay sober long enough to think clearly enough to decide what I needed to do to stop so I put myself into de-tox, there I learned I was not alone, I learned I had an incurable disease and the only way to stop its progression was total abstinance, and I learned that if I wanted to stay sober I would have to find some sort of long term support group, they mentioned several programs but reccommended AA due to its track record.

Well alcohol had beaten my butt so bad that I was willing to do anything to stay sober so I chose to start with AA. I followed directions in de-tox and in AA and as a result my need/urge to drink has been lifted, I am free from alcohol and happier then I have ever been and all I have to do is remember my past to prevent me from picking up again.

Chronos here you have learned you are not alone, if you are like me you will need a long term support program, pick one you feel comfortable with, but I will warn you that none of them will work if you do not follow thier program, you must be willing to take and follow directions.

I have been sober and happy (Being happy is crucial to staying sober) for 120 days now, not bad for someone with a 40 year drinking history, all I did was followed directions.

What ever plan you choose to stay sober, if you follow directions and still wind up relapsing over and over again, are miserable but sober, or both you may want to seek out and try another program.

I don't care what program you go with, you need to stick with it for a while and follow directions or none of them will work.

Keep in touch.

Greetings Chronos,
I think for most of us AA is our last resistance and somehow signifies our final defeat. I was adamant that I did not need AA to get sober....I'm sorry - to "stay" sober. I got sober for short periods a number of times but it just wouldn't stick. I would "white knuckle" it as long as I could and sooner or later I would succumb to the summoning crook of the finger of alcohol. What I realized was my "thinking problem" equated to my "drinking problem". I too though AA was some sort of cult and that it woud consume my life more than even alcohol did (that thought is absolutely hilarious to me now). As Chip so sagely advised, even if ya go everyday, that daily hour does not even put a dent in the hours alcohol stole from me.

I know that, and I can only speak for myself, I had to abandon who I "thought" I was. The "false self" I had created to defend my vulnerable true self (who I am now just discovering) was a lie. My false self was responsible for the chaos that became my life. The process of dropping my sick facade is precisely where I am finding truth, joy and peace.

So yes, there is a "program" to AA which enables you to abandon your "sick thinking" in favour of healthy thinking....to make healthy choices that make you feel good about yourself rather than feeling like a crappy loser all the time. Dropping the bottle is only the beginning. Real changes take work; soul searching, painstaking and often harrowing work..but make no mistake, that work is made entirely manageable by peace, true consciousness and the support of all others who have been to the hell we all know so well.

You are embarking on the greatest change of your entire life....there will be moments of darkness and despair when you finally stare down what and where you've been. I for one am incredibly thankful (words cannot express) for the resource of the collective wisdom I have found in AA. There is no substitute for knowledge and support.

But you are here Chronos...and there is much of that support and knowledge here. If you are wise, you will use it...and not dispense with any information provided..AA or otherwise.

Recovering alcoholics want other alcoholics to stay sober....whatever way they can.

I wish you peace within.

You're not the only one who feels that way. You might check out our Secular Connections forum for lots of good ideas and support without that religious element. Here is a good thread to start on:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

I am at work today and won't really be able to respond until tonight but what I can say is wow. Thank you so much for all the advice/suggestions/support/encouragement. I look forward to sharing and getting to understand more....will def need assistance to make this change in my life.

Chronos just keep an open mind with any support group you get into, I always remind myself that my best thinking is what got me drunk, my pride and my best thinking kept me away from AA or any other support for 10 years as I tried to stop with my own power, once I swallowed my pride and realized I could not do it alone is when I got into AA and ended the 40 years of hell.

When I chose AA I was in de-tox and sober, I was willing to do anything to stay sober, I checked out the stats on other programs and their availabilty, I picked what I viewed as a winner, one that I could find live face to face meetings throughout the US. Frederickburg is not a large city by any stretch of the imagination yet there are at least 6-8 meeting a day there with some every day at noon and most of the others in the evening starting between 7 & 8 PM.

Seeking help is never a mistake. In terms of your view of AA, that's your view. Others find it helpful. I know I had problems with it, c'est la vie. I did learn a lot from it that I do use now.

In terms of the anta abuse, quit waiting until night, take it first thing in the AM. No more excuses. Heck take two the first AM to be sure you get good and sick if you touch the stuff. Why'd you buy it if you aren't gonna use it.

Sounds like you are making excuses but there are no real valid excuses. If you wish to quit, you must make the effort. There is no reason to take anta abuse at night v/ morning. So its up to you. Take it while the will is there in the morning and when the will breaks down later in the day, too bad, already have it in your system and it is too late to undo it.

Peace, Levi

Just keep in mind that antabuse is like a gun to your head, it does give you a chance to get sober enough, long enough to where you can decide how you will be able to maintain your sobriety without it.

You can not take antabuse long term, there are side effects, take advantage of what it gives you, get into some sort of support group to find a path to happy sobriety.

It is so odd to me and so confusing and yet infuriating I have tasted life w/out alcohol and all that it has to offer...the great health, the fantastic feeling of waking up in the morning....rested, the extra money, the not feeling guilty. It's upsetting. I'm a not public alcoholic as I have come to grips w/ my name. I drink only at home and only when I'm not driving. When I'm out in public I'm the first one to go home and the one that drinks the least. I am confused at myself. Who drinks a 12 pk a night...everynight? I don't know why I feel the NEED to. I have a picture of myself..how I looked even this past summer from so many perspectives....it was so much better.

As to the antabuse I took 1 pill last year to start and was able to go 3 months w/out a drink. I thought I was better and went back to drinking....first like a normal person...then back to out of control 12 pk @ night. I don't drink anything but beer...nothing. I don't drink ice beer...I drink light beer and sometimes rarely regular....I have been thinking why I do it....and to be honest I think it covers up deep rooted anxiety. I want to be able to take a antabuse again and I know this time I can make it...if I can't this time I will go to AA. The thing is antabuse says 24hrs after drinking alcohol take a pill.....I get home and choose beer over the pill. I need support.

Hey Chronos - just a few random notes if I may...

I'm envious of you (in a good way) that you've got the opportunity to nip this thing now at 26 and in your "2nd year of hard beer drinking" rather than being 49 like me with many many more years of drinking under my belt. The liver is remarkably resiliant (to a point) and can recover (again to a point). I really think you should be ok at this stage of the game but I'm not a doctor. When I had mine tested a couple of years ago, the doctor could see the effects of alcohol on my liver but it cleared up after three months of abstinance. So go see your doctor and get that off of your mind.

You may want to consider taking the antabuse as perscribed. I found it a good way to "put on the brakes". I've had success with it and take it for breakfast. Every morning I used to wake up and swear up and down that I would not drink that night only to "reconsider" late in the afternoon. Antabuse solved that one for me.

You'll find that there are a lot of mixed feelings about antabuse. In fact my GP will not perscribe it but my addiction doctor does. As mentioned, it's really a short term remedy but it works it you take it. If/when you come off of it, you may want to keep some around to take occasionly before going to an event that may tempt to to drink eg. BBQ etc.

EDIT: Chronos - I composed and posted this before seeing your last post (immediately before this one).

That is the main purpose of AA and other groups.

The way I see it..why work hard when we can work smart.

If I can move a 200 lb rock by myself...why should I if there are others around that are willing to help me?
That is how I see support groups.

I thnk you have a good start with a good attitude towards things.
I know you can do it.

Here are excerpts from the book that comvimced me to quit.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I hope you too will find sobriety!

I did use Antabuse in early sobriety
along with AA.

Well cronos did you take it this morning?

To get sober it takes action on your part, to stay sober takes no action, just don't drink, to stay sober and happy takes action.