Sad
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Sad
I cried myself to sleep last night ...and most of the way to work this morning. In my ever increasing clarity I am saddened at the wasted years and the status of my life today. I hate my life today. At almost 40 I have no children, lover, money or home of my own. I hate my job. I gave so much away to drinking. I hate everything today except my sobriety. Without sobriety and my deep down belief that I am through with drinking, I would head to the nearest bridge or train track straightaway.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
feel the same way...
nuudawn....i feel the same way, although i do have two children still in good health...but when i see what i have caused, in my selfishness with substances...and shuttle my children after my few days back to their mother, i pay so dearly for each tear that falls from my babies faces....i had a wonderful life....and lost it all....soon to lose my house i imagine to creditors...still, i guess we can be grateful for little things..like not having messed up to greatly that we killed somebody in our brain fog....or got ourselves crippled.....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Mega Hugs....
For me... doing a 4th Step allowed me a
fresh perspective on my past.
With Step 5 I forgave myself and moved
into a new positive mindset.
During my 1st year...I dumped my drinking
long time lover...changed jobs..quit hanging
out in bars with buddies..
I also started running around with AA friends
Began college courses Got a new hairdo and color
Started wearing bright colors Revamped my apartment.
I was volunteering at a free clinic.
I remember how sad it was at first.
Busy was good for me until I could see progress.
Blessings...
For me... doing a 4th Step allowed me a
fresh perspective on my past.
With Step 5 I forgave myself and moved
into a new positive mindset.
During my 1st year...I dumped my drinking
long time lover...changed jobs..quit hanging
out in bars with buddies..
I also started running around with AA friends
Began college courses Got a new hairdo and color
Started wearing bright colors Revamped my apartment.
I was volunteering at a free clinic.
I remember how sad it was at first.
Busy was good for me until I could see progress.
Blessings...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Hey, just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you 
Each day of sobriety is a gift! By the way, it is not too late for children... someday... a good friend of mine adopted a son @ age 50. He is the joy of her and her husband's life.
Each day of sobriety is a gift! By the way, it is not too late for children... someday... a good friend of mine adopted a son @ age 50. He is the joy of her and her husband's life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
Thanks nuudawn for sharing where u r today.
Im glad u r here....SR is a good place to vent
and ask for what you need....Direction, hope,
joy, understanding, love and support.
We are all here for one reason or another.
We need help and answers.
Look at the wonderful replys uve
recieved thus so far....How wonderful
it is to know we r not alone in our
situations.
U'd be surprised at how many have
gone thru or going thru what u r going thru
right this very minute.
I promise you that there is hope and there
is a beautiful rainbow at the end of every
storm.
I myself have this faith that all will be ok
in the end....As long as I continue to pray
for His will or ur Higher Powers will to be
done and continue to ask for guidance
and direction...then u r on ur way....
I also believe I didnt become an alcoholic
by mistake...There is a greater plan in the
works for me and that I am here for a special
reason.....
My main purpose in life today is to help the
next person in recovery to achieve sobriety.
And to do this is for me to share my own
experiences strengths and hopes with each.
You may say you have none of that...well
u do...if u have been sober or clean for 24
hours than u share how u stayed sober
to the person with an hour. and so on....
What did u do....
You didnt drink or use.
You went to a meeting....share what
u heard with them....
Did u smile and introduce urself to the
person sitting next to u or did the person
next to u make u feel comfortable ...
When u or I share with another person
we get out of our own selfish thinking
and listen to the other person...
Before u know it...ur problem isnt that
big after all....
Thats just a few things to guide u along.
Thanks for letting me share with u.
Im glad u r here....SR is a good place to vent
and ask for what you need....Direction, hope,
joy, understanding, love and support.
We are all here for one reason or another.
We need help and answers.
Look at the wonderful replys uve
recieved thus so far....How wonderful
it is to know we r not alone in our
situations.
U'd be surprised at how many have
gone thru or going thru what u r going thru
right this very minute.
I promise you that there is hope and there
is a beautiful rainbow at the end of every
storm.
I myself have this faith that all will be ok
in the end....As long as I continue to pray
for His will or ur Higher Powers will to be
done and continue to ask for guidance
and direction...then u r on ur way....
I also believe I didnt become an alcoholic
by mistake...There is a greater plan in the
works for me and that I am here for a special
reason.....
My main purpose in life today is to help the
next person in recovery to achieve sobriety.
And to do this is for me to share my own
experiences strengths and hopes with each.
You may say you have none of that...well
u do...if u have been sober or clean for 24
hours than u share how u stayed sober
to the person with an hour. and so on....
What did u do....
You didnt drink or use.
You went to a meeting....share what
u heard with them....
Did u smile and introduce urself to the
person sitting next to u or did the person
next to u make u feel comfortable ...
When u or I share with another person
we get out of our own selfish thinking
and listen to the other person...
Before u know it...ur problem isnt that
big after all....
Thats just a few things to guide u along.
Thanks for letting me share with u.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
(((((Nuudawn))))) Ohh, I so wish I could take those feelings away from you and let you feel the happiness I have in my life right now.
I remember feeling those same thoughts not too long ago, and checking myself in for a mental evaluation because I wanted to give up on life. I had given away my marriage, children, and home. After two days in the hospital I was able to leave, with the understanding that I needed to work my AA program harder than ever.
A few days ago I ended a relationship, and spent much of the weekend crying and fearing what the future will be like if I can't ever get my head straightened out.
But the fact is, I don't have to worry or fear anything in sobriety. I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life, and that my HP has a purpose for me. When I quit trying to control the outcome of my life, everything falls into place and the message is usually pretty clear to me. It may not be what I wanted, but it's usually something better than I was planning on.
Trust me, it really does get better. Every time I look back on the wasted years and I'm fearing the future I'm able to wade through the emotions and emerge on the other side, happier than I've ever been and grateful to be living one day at a time.
Scott
I remember feeling those same thoughts not too long ago, and checking myself in for a mental evaluation because I wanted to give up on life. I had given away my marriage, children, and home. After two days in the hospital I was able to leave, with the understanding that I needed to work my AA program harder than ever.
A few days ago I ended a relationship, and spent much of the weekend crying and fearing what the future will be like if I can't ever get my head straightened out.
But the fact is, I don't have to worry or fear anything in sobriety. I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life, and that my HP has a purpose for me. When I quit trying to control the outcome of my life, everything falls into place and the message is usually pretty clear to me. It may not be what I wanted, but it's usually something better than I was planning on.
Trust me, it really does get better. Every time I look back on the wasted years and I'm fearing the future I'm able to wade through the emotions and emerge on the other side, happier than I've ever been and grateful to be living one day at a time.
Scott
Sober and Free
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: bay area CA
Posts: 398
Nuudawn, I think you and I are in the same place.
I can't tell you how sad I am thinking about my past. I'll not list why, because ... well ... because I don't want to lol You uinderstand, I am sure.
I have recently enrolled in school again, to start next month. I can not begin to tell you how happy this makes me, and how many doors ways it will open for our family. And that I can do SOMETHING with my life.
I asked my husband last night why I never did this before; but right after I asked we both knew there was no need for him to answer.
I have done many things that I have shame for. They say that we do not need ( need is my word, because I certainly do have regret still) to regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I contimplated yesterday that this is why we have the steps. I had an understanding, in my grief, that the reason for that 4th step (which I've been dreading) isn't so I can get forgivness from others ... though I assume that would be a help ... but so I can get forgivness from myself. I can say this is something I did, I can feel it, grieve it, what ever ... then I can move past it.
The past several meetings I have been to, the speaker has spoken of their last drunks, their relapses. It is a gift from my HP to hear these things. I need to hear the importance of these steps, I need to hear how easy it is to go back out, I need to hear how important it is and how to pay attention to my program. I, personally, need that very much.
It's amazing how many revolved around this whole forth step thing, and how many only really found peace after moving through this step in fullness.
The past sucks in the world of drinking and using. Personally, I used my self hate and self grief/pity as an excuse to drink more, and so I know I can not dwell in it. What I can do, though, is use the tools given to me to make my baby steps forward. Yesterday is gone, but today, opportunity is still knocking at my door. I have to grab on to it.
I called my sponsor last night. This whole sponsor thing is something I am not used to, asking for help. But I did it. I asked her to meet with me today, that I know I need to move forward with these steps.
I must say she sounded please with my asking, and gave me courage to ask again when I need.
This post is all over the place, sorry. I hear you. I guess that is all I am saying. I hear you, but we can do this. We can move forward. I know we can.
I can't tell you how sad I am thinking about my past. I'll not list why, because ... well ... because I don't want to lol You uinderstand, I am sure.
I have recently enrolled in school again, to start next month. I can not begin to tell you how happy this makes me, and how many doors ways it will open for our family. And that I can do SOMETHING with my life.
I asked my husband last night why I never did this before; but right after I asked we both knew there was no need for him to answer.
I have done many things that I have shame for. They say that we do not need ( need is my word, because I certainly do have regret still) to regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I contimplated yesterday that this is why we have the steps. I had an understanding, in my grief, that the reason for that 4th step (which I've been dreading) isn't so I can get forgivness from others ... though I assume that would be a help ... but so I can get forgivness from myself. I can say this is something I did, I can feel it, grieve it, what ever ... then I can move past it.
The past several meetings I have been to, the speaker has spoken of their last drunks, their relapses. It is a gift from my HP to hear these things. I need to hear the importance of these steps, I need to hear how easy it is to go back out, I need to hear how important it is and how to pay attention to my program. I, personally, need that very much.
It's amazing how many revolved around this whole forth step thing, and how many only really found peace after moving through this step in fullness.
The past sucks in the world of drinking and using. Personally, I used my self hate and self grief/pity as an excuse to drink more, and so I know I can not dwell in it. What I can do, though, is use the tools given to me to make my baby steps forward. Yesterday is gone, but today, opportunity is still knocking at my door. I have to grab on to it.
I called my sponsor last night. This whole sponsor thing is something I am not used to, asking for help. But I did it. I asked her to meet with me today, that I know I need to move forward with these steps.
I must say she sounded please with my asking, and gave me courage to ask again when I need.
This post is all over the place, sorry. I hear you. I guess that is all I am saying. I hear you, but we can do this. We can move forward. I know we can.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Thank you all so much. Each and every post truly made me feel that I am not alone and for that my heart is warmed and I am grateful. Today I am not so much thinking of the past or future. My feet are firmly in today...and it is today I do not like. It is my circumstances of today that make me sad. But that being said, I do know that as long as I have my sobriety I can change the circumstances of today one day at a time.This is the dark side I must face right here and now before I move towards the light. Believe me, that last thing in the world I want right now is a drink; as that is precisely what got me here. This pity party will pass...in the interim, your support means so much. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
The past has landed you somewhere you don't deserve to be.
That's the past for you. Do not focus on the past, feel good for making the change. You will feel horrible for a while.
Get your war-mind on, you are fighting a demon. Your posts have inspired me. You may be missing a lover right now but you are a good catch. If I didn't live thousands of miles away I would be interested in you because of your wisdom and kindness.
Men love that.
That's the past for you. Do not focus on the past, feel good for making the change. You will feel horrible for a while.
Get your war-mind on, you are fighting a demon. Your posts have inspired me. You may be missing a lover right now but you are a good catch. If I didn't live thousands of miles away I would be interested in you because of your wisdom and kindness.
Men love that.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Nuudawn, I was 52 when I finally retired from my 40 year drinking career, I raised 4 kids into adulthood as a drunk...... how I do not know but I did. I beat the hell out of myself for that when I first got sober.
God was watching out for my older kids, they have turned into responsible adults that I am proud to call mine even though I can not give myself much credit for it.
What helped me get past the guilt and self hate for that was all of my older kids telling me how proud and happy they were that I was now sober, them telling me that they are ecstatic that they know that unlike them, thier kids, my grandchildren will have a grandfather.... a sober grandfather! The twins who are 14 now tell me they love me without any prompting, they come up and ask me for a hug, that never happened while I was drinking.
My HP is showing me through them that all is forgiven, my past is my past, I can not change it and the best way for me to make up for it is to stay sober and continue to progress becoming a better person.
Nuudawn, children will come for you in some manner, you being sober for the entire time they know you will be something that will erase all the regrets you have for your past. Remember these words I heard a guy say in a meeting:
"If you live with one foot in the past and the other in the future the only thing you can do is crap all over today!"
Keep in mind also the Serenity prayer, we can not change the past!
Never close the door on the past, remembering how we were helps us stay sober as long as we have forgiven our selfs for it and us it to help other alcoholics get/maintain sobriety.
Hang in there hon, there is something wonderful planned for you.
God was watching out for my older kids, they have turned into responsible adults that I am proud to call mine even though I can not give myself much credit for it.
What helped me get past the guilt and self hate for that was all of my older kids telling me how proud and happy they were that I was now sober, them telling me that they are ecstatic that they know that unlike them, thier kids, my grandchildren will have a grandfather.... a sober grandfather! The twins who are 14 now tell me they love me without any prompting, they come up and ask me for a hug, that never happened while I was drinking.
My HP is showing me through them that all is forgiven, my past is my past, I can not change it and the best way for me to make up for it is to stay sober and continue to progress becoming a better person.
Nuudawn, children will come for you in some manner, you being sober for the entire time they know you will be something that will erase all the regrets you have for your past. Remember these words I heard a guy say in a meeting:
"If you live with one foot in the past and the other in the future the only thing you can do is crap all over today!"
Keep in mind also the Serenity prayer, we can not change the past!
Never close the door on the past, remembering how we were helps us stay sober as long as we have forgiven our selfs for it and us it to help other alcoholics get/maintain sobriety.
Hang in there hon, there is something wonderful planned for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Alabama
Posts: 27
Couldawouldashoulda,
You know what detemines your happiness? Your choice of thoughts. Everything you mentioned can be changed. Now all those are legitimate complaints. I could probably think of some myself. And they would be justifiable complaints. Then again I could just as easily think of something good.
Did you know you have a choice? I choose my thoughts now. You have a thought-action-emotion in that order. If you put good in front of thought it runs right down the line, Good action, good emotion. But if you put bad in front of thought. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down here?
Happiness is an inside job. It's not houses and spouses. Your thinking and feelings. The way you look at the world. We have to make a choice to think differently and then that alcoholic thinking that was front and center will ease to the back of the classroom.
If you find something or someone you can't change. You have to accept it ( not approve) and go on. Keeps you happy. Keep a good thought.
You know what detemines your happiness? Your choice of thoughts. Everything you mentioned can be changed. Now all those are legitimate complaints. I could probably think of some myself. And they would be justifiable complaints. Then again I could just as easily think of something good.
Did you know you have a choice? I choose my thoughts now. You have a thought-action-emotion in that order. If you put good in front of thought it runs right down the line, Good action, good emotion. But if you put bad in front of thought. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down here?
Happiness is an inside job. It's not houses and spouses. Your thinking and feelings. The way you look at the world. We have to make a choice to think differently and then that alcoholic thinking that was front and center will ease to the back of the classroom.
If you find something or someone you can't change. You have to accept it ( not approve) and go on. Keeps you happy. Keep a good thought.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Rusty..thanks. Yes indeedy..you are right...I have choices. That is actually all I have when you get right down to it. There are days I know I must spend awhile in the dark. Just had two days of darkness. At the end of the darkness their is light and in that light, I usually find the answer for my darkness; why I was there sorta thing. Usually when I'm in the darkness...I am in my ego and fear. Just this morning I was writing down a pros and cons list about something I have a persistent niggling I must do. It causes me a lot of FEAR. When I wrote down the word "fear"....these words jumped at me: "F" Everything And Run! I don't know if I have read that somewhere or it is something that just came to me myself. It amused me at any rate.
Daily I deviate between the darkness and the light. I am starting to understand that when I am in darkness...there is something I must turn the light about. When I am in darkness I am defiintely afraid of something. I am choosing to give my power away to something. I am contemplating wounds to my ego....and I'm self involved about something. Basically I'm just stuck in my warped perspective. Precisely what you said....I have choices about my "perspective". I can choose to pick a negative perspective or a positive one. It often takes a little time to sort it all out. Thank you for reaffirming that.
And TAZ! Thanks so much. I was wondering about you as I hadn't seen your posts for a few days.
Daily I deviate between the darkness and the light. I am starting to understand that when I am in darkness...there is something I must turn the light about. When I am in darkness I am defiintely afraid of something. I am choosing to give my power away to something. I am contemplating wounds to my ego....and I'm self involved about something. Basically I'm just stuck in my warped perspective. Precisely what you said....I have choices about my "perspective". I can choose to pick a negative perspective or a positive one. It often takes a little time to sort it all out. Thank you for reaffirming that.
And TAZ! Thanks so much. I was wondering about you as I hadn't seen your posts for a few days.
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