Nuudawn

I went to my normal Monday night meeting last night. This would be my 5th time. I noted that the Chairperson was a man that I had never seen before at this meeting or any other. At any rate, in his opening qualification he struck me as being a little smug and flippant...something I found unusual.

At any rate, in my share (and the topic was "choices") I said something about often reading that you have to love yourself first before you can love another and how I did not understand that previously...how to love yourself that is. I explained that very recently I realized that loving yourself has an awful lot to do with choices...making good ones rather than bad ones...making choices you won't kick yourself around for...making choices that will further your self respect rather than lower your self esteem.

Another member made mention of the 90 meetings in 90 days.....

At the end of the meeting, the Chair, in his concluding ramble (this was new to me as well) stated, while looking at the woman who made mention of the 90 in 90, that the Big Book does not say anything about 90 meetings in 90 days nor does it say anything (while looking directly at me) about loving yourself...it only talks about loving others.

I felt "admonished" and walked out of that meeting almost feeling shameful for saying what I said. I then felt angry.

This is the first time in many, many meetings that anyone has said anything that provoked this response within me.

I know that I am quite sensitive...but I truly did not think it was the role of the chair to give feedback on members' shares.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

BigGirlPanties

Dont take his words personally, its just one dingie's view, which sounds like an arrogant one.

"Some are sicker than others, and others are sicker than sh**".

BrandiK

Ugh. That was uncalled for, I agree. Maybe you triggered something in him. That is normally what defensivnes is all about after all, and his correcting you certainly sounds defensive.
But you know, in side of AA and out, we are going to come across peope that just rub us the wrong way. Dont hold on to it, let it go and move on.

Tazman53

Unusual but sadly not unheard of. Why in the world he had to say a thing about what you said about loving yourself or about 90 in 90 is beyond me.

Some folks are what is refered to as Big Book Natzis and it sounds as though that is what this guy was. It would have been one thing if some one had said "Accordning to the Big Book blah blah blah" and they were wrong for him to say something, but for him to say something about some ones experience is BS.

AA meetings can many times due to the format have some people be complete jerks, but so far every meeting I have gone to I have walked away with some thing of value, even if it is how NOT to be!

There is an old saying in the rooms, take what you can use and leave the rest behind, very similar to life.

Astro

Exactly, thanks for sharing that BGP!

Nuudawn, there's been many times when I've left a meeting with a resentment towards the chair or another member because of their views. But I've got to remember that it just wasn't what "I" wanted to hear, and I also remind myself that that person has something I DON'T want! It probably won't be the last time you hear something ignorant like that, but try to take only what you need from the next meeting, and leave the rest.

Nuudawn

Thanks all. Feel better just getting that off my chest..and it was indeed festering a tad.
Oddly enough, I suppose his remarks triggered something in me I need to address. Due to my feelings last night, I thought...Harumph!..that's the last time I'm going to that particular meeting! Won't go to a meeting that jerk is part of..yadda yadda.

I soon recognized the ugly rearing of my oh so familiar pattern when something displeases me...running away and/or dismissal...ya know the whole cut nose off to spite face thing. Argh.

For everything there is a reason I suppose...
Thanks again.

Sugah

On Friday nights, a group of us (anyone who wants to join...we're not exclusive) go out to Perkins afterward and raise a ruckus in the smoking section. The waitresses love us. But, I digress (what else is new? )...

There is a homegroup member at this meeting who gives the impression that he has more right to the floor than anyone else and that he's an authority on AA by virtue of his length of sobriety, the depth of his bottom, and his ability to quote the Big Book and interpret its hidden meanings. More than once, more than twice, our group at Perkins has arrived hot under the collar about how this man acted or spoke in a meeting. We've sat there for two hours proving that he's a horse's ass!

And do you know what? We came to the conclusion that this man does a great service for AA and its members. We've had the Big Books out on the table (This is a small town...we don't worry about our anonymity, as everyone in town knew we were drunks. So what if they know we're sober now?), pointing out passages that this man conveniently ignores when he goes on his rambles (like page 164 where it says, "We know only a little..." -- nice come back when he says, "It doesn't say that in the book" -- sure! "we" didn't know that then, but experience has taught us.....), discussing recovery and steps and traditions for hours after the meeting. This man gives us an opportunity to keep the meeting going, sharing with each other and in some cases, deciding what we don't want for ourselves. It's been humbling a time or two, as well, when we discover that despite his crappy delivery, he's sometimes right on.

If you're going to let it affect you, let it affect you in a positive way. And please remember that he's not AA as a whole. Your voice is every bit as important as his.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Nuudawn

Hey, hey Sugah! A fellow (who I think is so serene and wise and awesome) said something in response to the Chair about Page 164... I'm certain of it. I didn't understand what he was referring to. Was he perhaps responding to this fellow's arrogance?

Slowbriety

if you are saying that the chairperson talked after each person did, then, im right there with you. that is the one thing that just kills me in mettings. it dosent happen at my home group but i have been to a few in different cities where that was the format and each time i got up and left. did i miss out on something? maybe, but if i know it will **** me off why sit through it and get pissed off? thats just for me.

Sugah

I'll betcha...we do try to help each other, don't we?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Astro

This is interesting. At the meetings I attend we don't allow crosstalk. If it's encouraging and appropriate we let it slide, otherwise we'll cut the person off right away. It's just not worth it to risk the chance of one person getting turned off on attending meetings.

Nuudawn

Thanks Sugah! I'll betcha too cuz that guy is a wise one...whose shares are always inspiring.

And Astro...I don't think it was what they call Crosstalk...he was pretty much giving a summation or something. I have never seen a Chair like this..he acted more like the the Mayor of AA then someone simply facilitating a meeting.

GlassPrisoner

You're in the right place, that's for sure !

Yeah, don't let it bother you too much. Go back to that meeting. If you can't, find another one.

Astro

Which makes me think "our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern";-) I just hope it doesn't turn you away, Nuudawn. Everyone deserves a good shot at sobriety.

Nuudawn

Great quote Astro..bang on. Nope I'll be sure to keep going back...I'm just way too happy on my puffy pink cloud to let one smug apple upset the apple cart.

Brookie

Sorry you felt like you were put on the spot. No disrespect intended, but I think it's helpful to get a thicker skin about this kind of thing. The person leading the meeting is just another alcoholic, with no particular claim to authority. You're going to hear things that you disagree with or that annoy you at a lot of meetings (just like he did). It's OK to say if you don't relate to something said in a meeting, as long as it's done respectfully or in an effort to tear someone down.

Best,
Joe

GrouchoTheCat

Pg 153, Love thy neighbor as thyself

Guess he got me to do my homework...

mike_mass

The guy cross-talked and he shouldn't have done that.

chip

Hello Nudawn,

I want to share something my sponsor told me: "If you like eveyone in AA, you arn't going to enough meetings. If you still like everyone, then start going to business meetings" ;-)

Seriously, I'm glad you got this off your chest. That guy sounds like a big jerk. I hope you can get past it. I'm met several jerks in AA... and I'm sure somepeople think I'm a jerk too. Sometimes I remind myself that I'm in a room full of people who used to drink like I drank. This could make for some unsavory personalities... although most people I meet are quite nice.
chip