hopeangel

ah had to go to the dr. a while back and his cholesterol was elevated and he also had elevated bilirubins. well after this he REALLY watched what he ate and lowered his cholesterol to 207, only needed seven points to go to be okay. well, since he started drinking more and then quit drinking he hasn't been watching and his cholesterol went back up. the dr. wants to put him on lipator. we know this can be bad for the liver and we are concerned about him going on it. of course, i was more concerned about the bilirubins, but ah did not tell the dr that he was alcoholic and the dr. just dismissed the bilirubins saying it could be from anything and the other liver tests were okay, so he was not concerned. i don't know if he tested the bilirubins the last time again or not - he had two elevated tests before the last.
well, ah told me that he plans on "telling the dr. all his deep dark secrets" when he goes next week. in treatment they told him it would be good for him to start taking B vitamens. i got him multi vitamens -had to get the ones without niacin because every vitamen i tried he said made him feel funny???
anyway, i know that it is probably best for him to tell the dr. and that i shouldn't stop him from telling the dr. he is alcoholic, but...
we have fertility issues, and cannot have children on our own, and want to adopt. well, you know the first questions on the applications are about alcohol and mental health counseling, etc. and there is a medical form that has to be filled out by the dr. and, of course, one of the questions is -have you treated this patient for alcoholism or mental health. i am SO afraid that once he tells the dr. the dr. will be obligated to listed it and our chances to adopt will be ruined i really don't want to withhold info from the adoption agency, but i also think a person has a right to their private life and the whole idea behind treatment and AA/Alanon is that it is anonymous so people can get help, so are we really obligated to disclose these things to them?
i want children soo badly. i am 34 years old and have waited and waited and put it on hold. the more ah is in treatment the farther and farther i see he has to go - he even said to me that he may have to be in counseling forever and he has no idea how long it will take him to be better and i can choose to stick around through it or i can go. ah has always pulled through and done what he needed to do when he needed to do it and i have no doubt he would do this to be a father too. i need to add that i have hesitated on the adoption (i have wanted to keep trying for a biological child through expensive fertility treatments that have not worked yet, but could)and HE is the one that has really wanted adoption and pushed for it. it is something i want to though.
i know he could be a wonderful dad, but i also see that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with and he is sick. so logic tells me it is probably not good to have children right now, but i know what a great mom i will make -I LOVE CHILDREN- i deserve to have children.
I should add that ah is 25 days sober-THANK GOD!!! has been going to AA and counseling for two years, but never completely stopped or went to treatment until now.

Tazman53

hopeangel it is crucial he lets the doctor know he is an alcoholic and also whether or not he is practicing or sober. In some cases this can be a matter of life and death or getting drunk or staying sober.

Okay I am now going to take of my alcoholic hat partially and speak from an alcoholic parents point of view and tell you that my 3 oldest kids father (me)was a drunk from the time they were born until they moved out on their own, although not physically abused they did go through verbal abuse and a lot of embarrasement due to my drinking, they are all 3 ecstatic that I am now sober. My step daughters real father is an alcoholic and rarely if ever saw her from the time she was 4, but her she is at 20 now and was raised by a drunk step-dad, she also was very happy when I sobered up. My twins are still getting over 14 years of having a drunk father, their respect and love are returning now and I see a real difference in them as people since I quit.

From what you say about ah right now he very well could be on his way to long term sobriety, but I do understand way adoption agencies would be concerned about adopting out a child to an alcoholic, my kids went through hell because of my drinking.

It is your decision, but I would see where ah is at a year from now if I was you, but I assume you are not an alcoholic, so the decision for you will be a tough one.

Pray is what I would do, pray long and hard for ah and guidance for an adopted child.

hopeangel

i really appreciate you sharing the "father" perspective. i am not an alcoholic so this is good for me to hear.
i know you could be right about telling the dr. i know men who have only stopped drinking when the dr. found they had health problems and they were made too and i know that even the step of telling the dr. could be a big part of his recovery and as you said staying sober. i just have a lot of anger, fear, and resentment that this and his alcohol and treatment could prevent us from being "allowed" to have children.
i have prayed and prayed and prayed. i have thought about this and agonized over it to the point it was driving me crazy and to the point of exhaustion. i have tried to way the positives and the negatives. i have waited and hesitated and i have waffled back and forth on what to do. have children with ah -don't have children - leave ah and have children on my own or with someone else. can you see where this can get consuming? there are NO real answers and no one can really predict the outcome. ah could be sober for 5 - 10 years and drink again. there is no cure for alcoholism as we all know-OR he could never drink again and he could be a great father. i have had a counselor advise me to do it for me - i have had family tell me to go for it and i have had family tell me not to. the counselor said that i am not getting younger and especially with fertility treatments your chances of getting pregnant drops pretty dramatically after 35. she doesn't feel i should deny myself (and deny ah i guess) the chance at least. i expressed my concerns to her about ah (anger issues and he was abused as a child) and my fears and she said, well, you will get the children out of there and not let ah harm them in anyway. she basically explained that just a lot of the burdon would be on me. it is TRUE i would NEVER let ah harm our children in any way!!! if he would continue to drink or start drinking again. i would remove the children from the situation without hesitation. she said to tell ah this and i did. i looked him square in the eyes and told him that if he did anything to harm our children they would be gone before he could blink.
this being said, i do not think ah would harm our children.
i know waiting a year a least would be best, but that is ALL i have done- every day is precious. adoption-infertility is not quickly resolved. it could be another year or more before we received a child.
I AM AFRAID THAT TELLING THE DR. AND AH ALCOHOLISM WILL PREVENT US FROM BEING ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN EVER PERIOD.
i am not just thinking of myself. i am thinking of the love and good life that i could give a child. i have a very strong loving family and lots of support.
the hardest part is not having the answered and not knowing. having a child could be what ah needs and he could be wonderful.

Tazman53

hopeangel I wish I could give you an answer, I can't, as you said there is no way of knowing with any certainty what the future holds for ah or myself. I would reccommend more prayer and meditation. Meditation is probably more important right now then prayer, God knows what you want an answer for, just find a nice quiet safe spot and meditate, listen intently in time you will know what is right, it may be to take the chance with full knowledge that if ah starts drinking again it is time to move on..... I do not know.

Good luck hon.

came2believe

They say it is best for alcholics to avoid major life changes in the first year of sobriety.

I think adopting a child would definitely qualify as a major life change.

You say he "could be wonderful" as a dad... but I sense an "if" in there somewhere.

I know you love kids and I am sure you would be a great mom, but I wonder if you are sensing that there are larger issues to work out first--before bringing another extremely vulnerable, young human being into the situation?

Peace, love & serenity to you.

leviathon

I initially chose not to respond to your post. However, after much reflection, I think there are some things you need to be aware of. I am a lawyer, practicing in Canada, not the US. I can tell you, having dealt with adoptions, family law and child protection cases, if you lie to the authorities about important issues like alcoholism, it will come out.

They do extensive background studies on adoptive families. They interview you, your family, neighbours, co workers, etc., and the skeletons in the closest do come clattering out.

If you honestly think not letting your husband get important medical help and in so doing, jeapordizing your hubbies health, and misleading the adoption agency are solid decisions, I think you really need to consult counsel in your area and determine the requirements for yourself.

Where I live and work, there is a pre-placement assessment, there is a post placement assessment and then there are follow ups ta boot. Heck, they may even drop in unannounced... what do you think would happen to your chances to adopt if they found hubby passed out on the couch wreaking of alcohol? Remember, these adoption agencies and workers are professionals. They are trained to look out for the best interests of the children. Do you honestly think that they are that easy to fool?

In my experience, if you are dealing with issues, so what, everyone is. They know that. It is those that are in denial and trying to hide it or mislead them that they take issue with.

Peace, Levi

hopeangel

i thank you and appreciate your insite into adoption.

i NEVER said that i would lie or not have dh seek medical attention,ANYWHERE. in fact, i'm the one that made him go to the dr. you were too quick to jump to conclusions. if fact, i said that i knew it is what needed to be done- that does not make it any less tormenting and hard to struggle with the decisions and consequences. also, i have sought counseling, help, and support.

also i feel some judge without knowing the whole - just because ah is an alcoholic who has sought help to improve himself-he could not be a good father. the person is not defined by the disease remember - i think it would be unfair to say that because someone is an alcoholic that they could not be a good father.

Tazman53

Hope no one said that a "Recovered" alcoholic could not be a good dad, I still do not consider myself a good dad, I have only shown my children 114 days of sobriety, during those 114 days I have been a good father, but I will be honest and say if I did not have children already at this point in my life I would not even dream about having a child until I had a lot more sobriety then what I have now.

I have no urge/need at all to drink and have not had one in over a month and a half, but I am an alcoholic, I feel very solid in my sobriety, but I am not going to try and fool myself or any one else and say I could not get drunk again tommorow. If I had a years worth of solid sobriety I would begin considering if I was ready for the responsibility of raising a child.

Hope no one here is being mean to you or to ah, we are alcoholics who are honest and know our selfs right now, where we have come from, and where we may or may not be headed in the future.

BTW my father was an alcoholic, he never touched a drop from the time I was born until the day he died, he was the exception to the rule when you take into account that he did it on his own.

came2believe

Heck, I got a dog @ 6 months sobriety and even that turned out to be too big a decision at the time.

Morning Glory

hopeangel,

You say you feel some judge without knowing the whole. We only know what you have written.

He is an alcoholic with only 25 days sober time.

He pushed you and threw you on the ground and pounded on your chest

He grabbed your arms and squeezed them really tight trying to restrain you and left bruises.

Twice he has thrown or pulled you off the bed.

He pushed you hard and you fell to the ground. He has promised you after this last time that it will never happen again.

Having a child could be what ah needs and he could be wonderful

These are real issues to look at and work through before adopting children. I don't think anyone is judging your husband or you. We've all been on one side of the issue or the other.

Sugah

I have witnessed women go to any lengths to become mothers in adverse situations, and I've seen those children suffer. My mother was one of those mothers. She was the kind of mother who truly believed that everything she did, she did for me. Truth was, she was so consumed by my father's drinking, she saw very little -- allowed herself to see very little -- of what was really happening to me.

I was also one of those mothers. I wanted to give a child everything I never had. Instead, I gave them years and years of my addiction and the addictions of those I chose to be with. They are okay now -- people comment all the time on how wonderful they are and want to know my "secrets." I tell them: my kids had to learn to survive hell, and they're grateful that their mother left the destruction behind. They didn't get that way because I was a good mother. They got that way because I finally woke up and they were strong enough to withstand it until then.

Your husband may very well stay sober and become a wonderful father. Alcoholics typically have a lot to change -- sometimes everything to change -- in order to learn to live a sober life. At twenty-five days, with the history of abuse that MorningGlory chronicled (I'm assuming from other shares?), to consider bringing a child into your relationship because of what you feel you have to give is selfish. Will you still have it to give a year, two, three years from now? You can't build a new house on a crumbling foundation. Foundation first, house second.

There are many ways to love a child without bringing one into a home that's unstable. Perhaps, while you're working on you and your husband is working on him, you could explore some of those ways?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

BigSis

For me, it is always imperitive to look at this from the perspective of the child.

There is a child out there, waiting to be adopted. He or she came into this world expecting, needing and deserving two fully functional, adult, mature parents.

The fact that he is up for adoption speaks to the probability that he has already been deprived of something he deserved to have.

Having lived with active alcoholism and rage issues, I do not believe it is fair to invite this child into a situation that also has active alcoholism and rage issues.

But that is only my opinion - and like armpits, we all have a couple, eh? Which does not help YOU.

Perhaps some of your needs can be met in othe ways? Our local hospital needs volunteers as "baby rockers" for drug addicted babies. These little fellahs need constant soothing, and even then, they can try the patience of a saint.

But being able to rock and sooth a baby who also came into the world expecting the best, and receiving the worst might be a way to mitigate your need to mother... until the time is "more right" than now.

A year might seem like a long time...but a year from now, you might have a better idea of where your AH will be in his recovery. Addiction, alcholism and recovery are all progressive. In one year, something will have changed.

I do wish you the best.

zoomer

Gosh, my AH's drinking would not be the issue,but someone pushing me would be the issue in this case. Seek help for your abuse and worry about kids later. My question is why would you want anything to do with your hubby if he mistreats you and abuses you? Gosh, I say start a new life and find someone who does not abuse you and have kids with them. Also find out why you would want to even be with someone who abuses you so it will not happen again.

Cynay

Hope.... I have been avoiding this thread, mostly because it triggers me. I can understand your need/hope for children in your life..... but let me introduce myself to you.

Hi, my name is Cynay,

I am the adult child of an Alcoholic Mother who had rage issues. I am the middle child of 3 … an older brother and a younger sister. Today I am 42 years old and have been in some type of recovery off and on since I was 12…. My brother took me to an Al-teen meeting, when my mother found out I got one of the worst beatings of my life… I did not begin to work on my recovery again after that till my early 20s.

As a child my life was spent walking on eggshells. I lived in constant fear of the next big fight or if the school counselor was going to buy into my lies on how yet again I got those bruises. Mostly I was afraid of the next time my Mother got so drunk that that my world would fall apart again. The routine was something like this…. My Mother would come hope drunk and the fight between my parents would start. When it got bad enough my Brother would get in between my parents to keep them from really hurting each other or to distract them while I called the police and my little sister would run and hide somewhere… usually hysterical. Once the police were called I would help my Brother defuses the situation till the police came… back then they always took the father away so that would leave us with a very angry mother. About this time my brother would walk away, I would go in search of my little sister and sometime within the next 30 minutes my Mother would come find me … angry… and beat the hell out of me.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease…. Domestic Violence is also progressive.

In growing up I learned I was unlovable, not to cry, not to feel, guilt, anger, and how to become the very best co-dependant personality. I’m going to bet that when my parents decided to have me they did not intend for this to happen.

In my late 20s I found a therapist that was finally able to help me, this is after going through about 9 others. That is when I got to relive the hell of my entire childhood so I could learn to parent myself… and I have spent the last 16 years in either therapy, Al-anon, AcoA or some combination of them. Because it was all deeply ingrained in me and alcoholism was a known to me, I married one and had my daughter with him… Now she gets to go to therapy to deal with the issues of being a teenager of an Alcoholic… She is not doing that today but I know she will one day because her mother (me) was just as sick and in denial as her Alcoholic Father was sick. I have spent many many hours crying and feeling guilty because this is what I gave to my daughter…. See you cant know how much it will rip you heart apart till you hold you own child crying in your arms and all you can hear is that same crying voice that you have heard all your life…. Me.

Of course there is much more to my story, but this is long enough. I’m not special or different then millions of other children who are born to an alcoholic parent… actually I’m probably one of the lucky ones… My Brother has serious control issues and my younger sister has fallen into the disease of Alcohol and drug addiction.

This is just my thoughts on Alcoholic parents that have children…. Please take what you want and leave the rest.

hopeangel

for really exploring this with me and helping me face some realities of things. i so appreciate it. that is all i can say right now...except thank you...the hard parting-dealing with it all

sketscher

hope,

I am 35. I have wanted to be a mom for many years. So I know how you feel. I don't want to miss out on that chance. But I have to think of the child's well being before my own happiness. I could have just used xabf to get me pregnant if I wanted. Sometimes I even hoped my birthcontrol will fail! But we all know it's in the best interest of the child to have two well adjusted parents. And I think most of us want a loving partner to help raise the children. Sometimes this just isn't the way the dice roll. And of course women raise children alone all the time and do a great job. But for me, I know in my heart of hearts, that to intentionally choose a father who displays violence and/or irrational alcoholic behavior is just plain irresponsible.

You have to remember that they don't stay babies very long. Think about this child at 12 years old after living with an alcoholic.

From reading your posts it sounds to me like you are still living in a very unstable household. And like another said on here if your looking to adopt why not wait. Give this some serious thought. The answers will come if you calm your mind.

Nothing can be right so long as it is wrong...