still fighting the beast
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: London
Posts: 35
still fighting the beast
Hello All,
I have not posted for a while but have been lurking. I am now about 18 months into my recovery and this site has really been a help. It is New Years Eve and 2007 seems a whole new challenge.
Getting sober after a drinking career of 30 years was the biggest blessing I ever received but I can't pretend that it is easy at the moment. I have got a good job again and the love and respect of my wife and children has returned.
Just when you think you have this disease licked something crops up to remind you of the horrors. I was given a bottle of wine by my employer just before Christmas and I took it home intending to put it on the shelf ready to pass on as a present to somebody. As I got to my front door I suddenly thought to mysel ..."wait...no one knows I have got this...I could hide it upstairs and drink it when I feel like it..." Now I knew this was lousy thinking but I did hide it - and worried about it for several days. Eventually I gave it away. That felt good!
At moments like that I need to check into this site and rerun in my mind some of the horrors of my drinking days...the 5 or so trips to Accident and Emergency..vomiting into a bucket with a nose pouring blood while swigging whiskey from the bottle to make myself "feel better"...blowing 112 into the Police breathalyser and spending the night in the cells listening to the screams of crazy people...going into full withdrawal in the Police cell...begging for a cup of water...hands shaking so much they took 2 cops to fingerprint me..getting out and begging the local shopkeeper to sell me a bottle at 7.00am. Degrading stuff.
The freedom from the compulsion to drink cannot be described! No anxiety and no panic attacks, eating food again, looking people in the eye, not telling lies, being honest with myself.
Unfortunately my wife was diagnosed with cancer last year. She does not deserve that. She has completed painfull chemotherapy and will enter radiotherapy in 2007. I have been at her side throughout. Previously when I was faced with a problem I ran away and hid in a bottle. Not this time.
However, old habits die hard - the tantalising prospect of an escape into drink is always with me. I have to keep reruning my drinking life like an old film.
What is it about moths and flames? Do we ever learn?
I have not posted for a while but have been lurking. I am now about 18 months into my recovery and this site has really been a help. It is New Years Eve and 2007 seems a whole new challenge.
Getting sober after a drinking career of 30 years was the biggest blessing I ever received but I can't pretend that it is easy at the moment. I have got a good job again and the love and respect of my wife and children has returned.
Just when you think you have this disease licked something crops up to remind you of the horrors. I was given a bottle of wine by my employer just before Christmas and I took it home intending to put it on the shelf ready to pass on as a present to somebody. As I got to my front door I suddenly thought to mysel ..."wait...no one knows I have got this...I could hide it upstairs and drink it when I feel like it..." Now I knew this was lousy thinking but I did hide it - and worried about it for several days. Eventually I gave it away. That felt good!
At moments like that I need to check into this site and rerun in my mind some of the horrors of my drinking days...the 5 or so trips to Accident and Emergency..vomiting into a bucket with a nose pouring blood while swigging whiskey from the bottle to make myself "feel better"...blowing 112 into the Police breathalyser and spending the night in the cells listening to the screams of crazy people...going into full withdrawal in the Police cell...begging for a cup of water...hands shaking so much they took 2 cops to fingerprint me..getting out and begging the local shopkeeper to sell me a bottle at 7.00am. Degrading stuff.
The freedom from the compulsion to drink cannot be described! No anxiety and no panic attacks, eating food again, looking people in the eye, not telling lies, being honest with myself.
Unfortunately my wife was diagnosed with cancer last year. She does not deserve that. She has completed painfull chemotherapy and will enter radiotherapy in 2007. I have been at her side throughout. Previously when I was faced with a problem I ran away and hid in a bottle. Not this time.
However, old habits die hard - the tantalising prospect of an escape into drink is always with me. I have to keep reruning my drinking life like an old film.
What is it about moths and flames? Do we ever learn?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
The freedom from the compulsion to drink cannot be described! No anxiety and no panic attacks, eating food again, looking people in the eye, not telling lies, being honest with myself.
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