robertroberts

I've tried many times to give up drinking. I can go a few days without it, then I forget that by drinking I'm no longer owning my true, from-the-hole-in-the-soul problems.

This epiphany, for lack of a better word, hit me tonight while bathing my daughter. It goes something like this: The hole in your soul can never be filled. There was something left out too long ago to be able to do anything about it now.

All you can do is give to others what you yourself feel you lack inside, i.e., what causes the hole in your soul. In this way, you can safely medicate your own soul, or heart, or whatever you wish to call it.

That scares the hell out of me.

I see that AA does exactly this. It's going to be a gargantuan effort due to the nature of my job (night shift), but I'm going to hit some meetings beginning tomorrow. I went to one five months ago and thought, "I'm not like these people. These people are serious drunks."

I'm realizing that was the drunk in me talking.

Why does it take so much precious time to learn something so obvious sometimes? I'm more bemused than sad, really, at this point.

I am definitely learning that I also drink in order to muffle my inner anger. I hadn't felt it for a long time, drunk or sober, until an incident today with a member of this band I'm in. Not so easygoing sometimes, I guess.

Anyway, sorry to carry on so. I've seen that venting sometimes aids others on this board. I feel better having gotten all this out there. Pray for me if you believe in an HP who hears. I'm afriad I keep going back and forth on that one. Thanks.

CarolD

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum!

In early sobriety I found an AA meeting
at 7 a.m. that worked great for me.
I too worked at night.

It;s great to see you here!

Blessings

CarolD

Here is a link to the book that finally got me to quit..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I use God and AA to stay in the joy of recovery.

thejig

praying for you......you CAN do it!
AA Hugs
Jig

earlybird

I will pray for you. You are taking the first step in a glorious life. You have the right attitude. God Bless you.

Nuudawn

The hole in your soul...I relate so much to what you are saying. No amount of booze, sex, affection yadda yadda... could fill it. It's funny, altho that hole has always been there I had never been quite cognizant of its existence up until the last couple years of my drinking. Although I had tried to quit drinking a half dozen times on my own unsuccessfully, I was terribly resistant to AA. I thought "those people" weak or cultish or something. I was completely broken on Dec. 11th when I walked into an AA meeting. I was at the point of trying anything to get me out of this misery of my making. BEST decision I ever made. We are all aware of that "hole in the soul" in the meeting rooms I go to. I hear a little bit of myself in so, so many. I feel finally I have found somewhere I truly belong..people who understand..who have been down in the same jowls of hell I have. I was an "after work" drinker..and sometimes (but not often) not even every day. But believe me...I was depressed and miserable and unable to manage my own emotions in any way. I was hopeless beyond measure.
I know I have found the way to fill that hole...my drinking was only making it bigger and bigger and bigger. I suspect it will always be there..but I know it will now get smaller and smaller.
Love and luck,
T.

HopeInFaith

Hi Robertroberts - welcome!

Thanks very much for that post. You articulately quite nicely a feeling that I experience quite often. You know I've spent most my life trying to fill that 'hole' with so many instant gratifications. Anything that will give me that 'feel good'. When you are hitting it with one instant gratification after another, you start to think the hole isn't there anymore, but soon that instant gratification isn't working anymore...and the hole seems to get bigger. So I moved on to bigger ways to fill it...or numb myself so I didn't feel it.

I know the only way for me to fill that whole is to be spiritually fit. That 'hole' is my soul, and the only thing I've found that fills it to where I am content is my spirituality. Now, even knowing that doesn't keep it filled. It's a daily process...and I wish I could fill it to the brim to where I don't have to work at it anymore. I wish you could become 'spiritual' and stay at that point - but it doesn't work like that.

I guess part of being grateful for my spirituality is the fact that I have to work at it everyday - otherwise I'm sure I'd just become complacent about it the same way I do about anything else I don't have to work at.

Keep coming back and posting!!
Hope

mikel60

"I went to one five months ago and thought, "I'm not like these people. These people are serious drunks."

I'm realizing that was the drunk in me talking."

It's funny how we think. When I went to my first meetings my thoughts were, "I can't do this with these people. They're too normal." I thought I was too much of a drunk. Go figure.