Is this normal?
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Is this normal?
My AH has been drinking for many years and during the last three he had been on a pattern of one to two weeks non-stop drinking, and one to a few weeks sober. He tried to quit many times but never made it long-term.
He became sober again about two months ago and got a new job. On December 1 he came home with a strong breath of alcohol after a company party. I thought he would go on for at least a few days, but to my surprise he stopped drinking the next day. I think I smelled alcohol in his breath again another day but he looked pretty fine. Only yesterday he came home again with clear signs of drinking (slurred speech and dreamy eyes etc.) .... I started to get nervous and he noticed me acting wierd and said the way I looked was really depressive and would drive him back to the bottle again. Today he got totally drunk, and doesn't seem to be able to stop....
My question is... is it possible that he was trying to control his drinking and somehow succeeded for a few times? Was he bound to go back to heavy drinking (like today) or was it me that triggered him?
He became sober again about two months ago and got a new job. On December 1 he came home with a strong breath of alcohol after a company party. I thought he would go on for at least a few days, but to my surprise he stopped drinking the next day. I think I smelled alcohol in his breath again another day but he looked pretty fine. Only yesterday he came home again with clear signs of drinking (slurred speech and dreamy eyes etc.) .... I started to get nervous and he noticed me acting wierd and said the way I looked was really depressive and would drive him back to the bottle again. Today he got totally drunk, and doesn't seem to be able to stop....
My question is... is it possible that he was trying to control his drinking and somehow succeeded for a few times? Was he bound to go back to heavy drinking (like today) or was it me that triggered him?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I see you are using our Friends & Family Forum
so I would guess you are aware of Al anon.
That is a great program for those who deal with drinkers.
The type of drinking your husbnad does is called
binge drinking. His patteren is usual.
Take care of yourself..you are not making him drink.
so I would guess you are aware of Al anon.
That is a great program for those who deal with drinkers.
The type of drinking your husbnad does is called
binge drinking. His patteren is usual.
Take care of yourself..you are not making him drink.
Serenity today
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Commonwealth
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by LiLL 
My question is... is it possible that he was trying to control his drinking and somehow succeeded for a few times? Was he bound to go back to heavy drinking (like today) or was it me that triggered him?
2. If he is an alcoholic, then yes he was bound to go back to heavy drinking. That's the course of the disease, we eventually, usually quite soon, pick up where we last left off in terms of drinking patterns and quantities.
3. In his mind it may have been you that triggered his drinking, but if it wasn't you he would have found another excuse. We're very good at manipulating and placing blame when we're drinking. Have you been to Alanon? If not, you should consider trying a few meetings, I believe it would help you to understand him and his behavior better.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Thanks CarolD and Stobert. Stobert I learned in another thread that it's your birthday! Wish you a wonderful day!
Yes I've been to Alanon and read a lot... but everytime I notice my AH starts drinking again, i can't help but feeling disappointed. and he sees that in my face every time. i wonder when i can finally learn to detach.. still trying very hard...
I can't understand why he managed to stop on the very next day for a few times during this month (maybe he knew he had to go to work). It never happened before (during the time we're together) and i'm afriad now he might start to believe he's not a real alcoholic. I'd rather that he lose control everytime as before, so he'll try harder to quit.
arh, i'm thinking too much and speculating too much again! i guess my recovery is just as slow as his...... sometimes i do hate myself!
Yes I've been to Alanon and read a lot... but everytime I notice my AH starts drinking again, i can't help but feeling disappointed. and he sees that in my face every time. i wonder when i can finally learn to detach.. still trying very hard...
I can't understand why he managed to stop on the very next day for a few times during this month (maybe he knew he had to go to work). It never happened before (during the time we're together) and i'm afriad now he might start to believe he's not a real alcoholic. I'd rather that he lose control everytime as before, so he'll try harder to quit.
arh, i'm thinking too much and speculating too much again! i guess my recovery is just as slow as his...... sometimes i do hate myself!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Lil,
Hon this "hating" yourself needs to be addressed. You are not his problem - his drinking is his problem. I started attending AA a couple weeks ago after six or seven failed attempts at trying to quit on my own. I was raised with addictions therefore I believe I am both an alcoholic and a co-dependent. I just split with my ex right before joining AA. We were both drunks...and I still struggle with trying to understand his behaviour or the things he said, the lies , how I was to blame for our difficulties. I struggle to realize that his behaviour (like mine) is dictated by his addiction. Your AH is an abuser like me and I abused pretty much daily but I could quit for short stints. I didn't drink during the day. There is a type of alcoholic who keeps a steady buzz and there are those of us who fit the binger profile...but it's all alcholism in my mind. For the binger it can be hard to reconcile (at least in my humble opinion) because you tell yourself..."well, I'm not waking up needing a drink". Doesn't matter. It's not how much you drink, it's what it does to you. My almost daily binge drinking resulted in lethargy, depression, hopeless and emotional retardation basically. From my 20's I was a weekend binger yet I still knew it was a problem cuz I almost always drank to black out or pass out.
But back to the issue at hand...you are not his trigger..and I do believe you could benefit from the support and wisdom of al-anon so that you will know that.
Hon this "hating" yourself needs to be addressed. You are not his problem - his drinking is his problem. I started attending AA a couple weeks ago after six or seven failed attempts at trying to quit on my own. I was raised with addictions therefore I believe I am both an alcoholic and a co-dependent. I just split with my ex right before joining AA. We were both drunks...and I still struggle with trying to understand his behaviour or the things he said, the lies , how I was to blame for our difficulties. I struggle to realize that his behaviour (like mine) is dictated by his addiction. Your AH is an abuser like me and I abused pretty much daily but I could quit for short stints. I didn't drink during the day. There is a type of alcoholic who keeps a steady buzz and there are those of us who fit the binger profile...but it's all alcholism in my mind. For the binger it can be hard to reconcile (at least in my humble opinion) because you tell yourself..."well, I'm not waking up needing a drink". Doesn't matter. It's not how much you drink, it's what it does to you. My almost daily binge drinking resulted in lethargy, depression, hopeless and emotional retardation basically. From my 20's I was a weekend binger yet I still knew it was a problem cuz I almost always drank to black out or pass out.
But back to the issue at hand...you are not his trigger..and I do believe you could benefit from the support and wisdom of al-anon so that you will know that.
HopeInFaith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 62
Lil - I'm a binge drinker. And that's what's kept me falling. Because I tell myself, 'well I don't drink every day!'. I'm realizing its not how much I drink, it's what happens when alcohol enters my system. I have no control over it. And even though I may tell myself I'm only going to have 1, or a couple - I end up in the same place. Wasted.
I'm also very good at using external circumstances to give me the excuse to drink. Whether it be a bad day at work, or something my husband did to make me mad...it is all something that gives me a reason to pick up a drink. The reality of it all is that it's not about those external circumstances, it's about what's going on inside of me.
I don't control my drinking, even if sometimes I only have a couple glasses. In those instances, it just happened to be the circumstance...but it wasn't because I 'controlled' myself to have 2. I lucked out, because in those times I always wanted more.
Good luck - most importantly. Don't own this. It is not about you. And it is not your problem!
I'm also very good at using external circumstances to give me the excuse to drink. Whether it be a bad day at work, or something my husband did to make me mad...it is all something that gives me a reason to pick up a drink. The reality of it all is that it's not about those external circumstances, it's about what's going on inside of me.
I don't control my drinking, even if sometimes I only have a couple glasses. In those instances, it just happened to be the circumstance...but it wasn't because I 'controlled' myself to have 2. I lucked out, because in those times I always wanted more.
Good luck - most importantly. Don't own this. It is not about you. And it is not your problem!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Nuudawn, HopeInFaith, thanks for telling me and reassuring me that it's not my problem. When my AH is drinking, he keeps putting me down. That really hurts, even though I know it's just his desease talking.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Lill,
Keep repeating the three C's to yourself until you believe it.
"You didn't Cause it."
"You can't Control it."
"You can't Cure it."
I'm an alcoholic and a co-dependent and spent a long time beating my head against a wall trying to control someone else's drinking. It never worked. Later on, I was the drunk and my family made themselves crazy trying to control MY drinking. It didn't work. I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and seek help of my own volition before I had a chance at a meaningful recovery. It has been almost 2.5 years now. It can be done, but it can't be done by you.
You have to take care of you. Keep posting on Friends and Family and get back to Al-Anon. You need your own support system to take the focus off of him and put it on you.
Hugs to you,
Kellye
Keep repeating the three C's to yourself until you believe it.
"You didn't Cause it."
"You can't Control it."
"You can't Cure it."
I'm an alcoholic and a co-dependent and spent a long time beating my head against a wall trying to control someone else's drinking. It never worked. Later on, I was the drunk and my family made themselves crazy trying to control MY drinking. It didn't work. I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and seek help of my own volition before I had a chance at a meaningful recovery. It has been almost 2.5 years now. It can be done, but it can't be done by you.
You have to take care of you. Keep posting on Friends and Family and get back to Al-Anon. You need your own support system to take the focus off of him and put it on you.
Hugs to you,
Kellye
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi LiLL,
I'm sorry I'm coming to your thread late, but nonetheless, I wanted to tell you as well, you are NOT making your husband drink. You are not bending his elbow and lifting the glass to his lips.
Detaching your focus from it being set on his drinking and returning to caring for your own self esteem is essential for you, and I care about YOU. It IS hard to detach with love. It is a daily practice, and one that requires you to stay connected with positive people and positive influences in your life so you don't get drawn into the pit of codependent patterns.
I am both codependent and a (recovering sober) alcoholic, and I am working with 12 step programs which seem to be amazingly positive for me. I also know that the principles behind those 12 step programs are available in different forms and groups if you are open to receive the help and guidance of others.
Thats why I'm so happy to see you here. Writing to us while you go through the inner turmoil can be very cleansing. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
And have a wonderful holiday!
I'm sorry I'm coming to your thread late, but nonetheless, I wanted to tell you as well, you are NOT making your husband drink. You are not bending his elbow and lifting the glass to his lips.
Detaching your focus from it being set on his drinking and returning to caring for your own self esteem is essential for you, and I care about YOU. It IS hard to detach with love. It is a daily practice, and one that requires you to stay connected with positive people and positive influences in your life so you don't get drawn into the pit of codependent patterns.
I am both codependent and a (recovering sober) alcoholic, and I am working with 12 step programs which seem to be amazingly positive for me. I also know that the principles behind those 12 step programs are available in different forms and groups if you are open to receive the help and guidance of others.
Thats why I'm so happy to see you here. Writing to us while you go through the inner turmoil can be very cleansing. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
And have a wonderful holiday!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
It IS hard to detach with love. It is a daily practice, and one that requires you to stay connected with positive people and positive influences in your life so you don't get drawn into the pit of codependent patterns.
I'm having a sad Christmas because my AH is drinking and I had to canel most Xmas plans.... But thanks to him, this holiday I have all the time to come here to post, and read, read, read.... I'm afraid I'm still a long way from my own recovery. After two years being with my AH, I'm still trying to help, or control.... so i guess i'll keep reading and posting and learning from all of you ....
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