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Had enough - I NEED Help

Old 03-02-2007, 06:50 PM
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Had enough - I NEED Help

Ok, my first post. I dunno how this site works as I just arrived here.

I'm 20 years old and I live in Scotland.

I've been drinking since I was 15, heavily since I was about 17. My drinking slowed down when I got a full-time office job but recently it has creeped back up and it's scaring me. I KNOW I have an addiction. I work 5 days a week and can go without a drink for days if I'm working but sometimes I just come home from work and get an URGE to drink. I can't figure out what sets this urge off but it happens. And when I drink....I drink. I pretty much drink all I have and it might be 'cool' amongst college students who are with friends but when you're on your own, in your bedroom, with work the next day...it gets annoying.

I've tried stopping and obviously I haven't managed it.

The thing is...when I drink ( like now) I search and search and search for things that will trivialise my addiction. I watch films that are focused around drugs just so I can sit there and think " Oh well it could be worse" but I'm not fooling myself anymore.

Thankfully I've got friends but only my BEST friend knows I drink too much but even then...he doesn't REALLY know. He says things like "Christ...you drink too much" but it's in jest. He doesn't know that I drink litres of vodka and coke at night before I get up for work.

I've pretty much reached the end of my tether. I TRIED to kill myself a year ago but it was dissmised as attention seeking. I don't know how as I went somewhere that nobody (except bad luck for me that day) could find me and hung myself from a tree. Although I'll never try that again I just wish I could NOT think about drink.

Trying to end my life was the loneliest experience of my life. I stood there by myself and made a conscious decision to do what I did but only after did It really hit me what I had wanted to do and I don't EVER want to be in that situation again. I can't describe the sorrow, pain and anger I felt towards myself and my family. I want to be able to come home from work and sit at home bored and NOT want to drink to relieve the boredom.

So far...it hasn't worked.

Thanks
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Old 03-02-2007, 07:12 PM
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Sorry to hear your pain deathrow, I also have trouble with booze, I assume you don't want to hear about AA, I started drinking when I was 19 and am 21 now, I know it's messed me up and is halting my passion/love for life also reducing pleasure for many things. Don't kill yourself over it though...
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Old 03-02-2007, 07:13 PM
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It's great to see you here looking for answers
Welcome to SR!

There is hope and healing for you too;
You have so much ahead of you
Being sober is a wnderful way to live.

Take a read around Ask questions
Again Welcome!
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Old 03-02-2007, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Deathrow558 View Post
Trying to end my life was the loneliest experience of my life. I stood there by myself and made a conscious decision to do what I did but only after did It really hit me what I had wanted to do and I don't EVER want to be in that situation again.

You nailed it, dude. What alcohol does to us is to isolates one completely. You are in fantastic age to stop - there is a whole life in front of you.

I could only wish if I was clever enough to realize I had a problem, 27 years ago, when I was 20. If that was the case I am positive today I would not be an obese, bankrupt, lonely and sad man.

Be brave - it is not easy for you and for sure it is not going to be easy once you stop. Here you'd get a lot of support and wise words, I am sure.

Good luck.
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Old 03-02-2007, 07:27 PM
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Thanks guys. Even just getting a response is good.

The thing is...over the past few months (could be longer) SOMETHING has clicked. It hasn't stopped me drinking but it has made me realise that it's getting a bit serious.

I can't explain it but whenever I think of drink now...I KNOW it's wrong. I still talk myself into drinking but deep down I know it's wrong whereas before when I drank I didn't give it a second though.

Now..that is either awareness of my problem or me kidding myself that I THINK I know I have a problem just so I can talk myself into drinking more.

I suppose it all boils down to...do I WANT to stop? Well everytime I ask myself that I just remind myself of how f*cking alone and sad I felt a few months ago when I did what I did and the answer is Yes. I DO want to stop. I never ever want to be in that situation again but more than that I'm so tired of drinking.

The CHALLENGE is doing what I have to do. Of couse...I'm drinking tonight (It's 3:30am here).

Thanks.
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Old 03-02-2007, 07:34 PM
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I can tell you this
Since I quit drinking and joined AA

I have not been locked in a mental ward
and I have not tried to kill myself.

I did try suicide 3 times when drinking.

That is why I told you there is hope
and healing for you too.
I know from my personal experience.

Take care and be safe
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Old 03-02-2007, 08:53 PM
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I am glad you are here. Please stick around, read and ask questions! That's why we're here. You might not believe this, but helping new people and those just like you actually helps me stay sober. So you have done one great thing today already and that is to allow me the opportunity to share with you my own experiences.

While in the grips of alcoholism, I too have felt so desperate I yearned for death. I fantasized almost every day about crashing my car into a wall or driving over a cliff. Thankfully, I did not do this and I am here today.

Not too long before I quit drinking, I attended the funeral of one of my husband's good friends. He had died a sober man, after a long illness. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic, but did not think he was at all like me. After all, he was the one who told stories about how he had hallucinated when he went through withdrawals. I sure wasn't that bad! (This I thought despite the fact I was drinking every day, craving alcohol every day, and was contemplating suicide almost daily!)

His daughter spoke about this thing called a "Big Book." I was not sure really what this book was, but it meant so much to him, it had saved his life according to all his family. It was his wishes that he be buried with his Big Book and so it was placed in the casket with him. I strained to see this mysterious book. Since the man was Catholic, I thought it might be a Bible. When I saw the book, I thought they maybe put in the wrong one since it did not have the title "Big Book" printed on it. Instead, the title seemed to be "Alcoholics Anonymous."

THIS was his "Big Book"? Who in the hell would name a book "The Big Book" (worst title ever, I thought!) then not even print the correct title on the cover! And this so called "Big Book" wasn't even that big! Those crazy alcoholics...

Well,despite the "silliness" of this book of his, I had always liked this man very much. He was very happy and kind. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic. Some part of me knew I was in trouble with alcohol that I could not get out of on my own, no matter how much I struggled at the time. I am sure I went home and got loaded that night, probably using his funeral as an excuse. BUT--I decided to keep a bit of an open mind about this book.

Over the months that followed, as my drinking got worse (as it always does-alcoholism is progressive) I began to think about this Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous more and more. Could his family members really give credit to saving his life to a BOOK? Why had this "Big Book" and AA meant so much to him? So much he would ask to be BURIED with this book? There must be something to it.

This man did not get the chance to know it, but he saved my life. Oh sure-I had tried to fix the alcohol problem on my own. I had tried cutting back, drinking only on weekends, drinking only organic wines from whole foods, drinking only Irish beer. (It all seems a bit silly now!) None of it worked for more than a few days.

This Big Book and this man's funeral kept haunting me. Just over one year later I did what I swore I would never do, I walked into the rooms of AA for the first time.

Now, I do not have to drink. I have nearly 15 months sober today and I am happy. I am no longer haunted by thoughts of suicide. I have a purpose in life and my financial situation has stabilized just in that short time to be better than it has ever been. My marriage is healing and my kids do not have to witness me weaving around the house, or snapping at them in the morning because I am hungover. I am free of addiction today!

That is just a snippet of my story. Thank you for letting me share it with you. You are young and have such a great life ahead of you. I know if you want freedom from addiction, if you have the desire, the commitment to recovery, and an open mind, you will get it. Oh and AA may not work for everyone, but it works for me.

Last edited by came2believe; 03-02-2007 at 09:16 PM. Reason: remembered part of my story wrong... arrghhh
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Old 03-02-2007, 11:13 PM
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You are at vulnerable age, and you may be depressed. Have you seen your doc and told him/her you are depressed? It might be a good idea. You have so much to live for and you are brave and intelligent to be here seeking answers.

The peope here understand when others do not. We are all here for you. Keep posting us and telling us your story. We want to hear more.

The people here are mostly addicts. That is not a bad or naughty thing. We are not weak or pathetic. When we first come here we thought we were weak and bad but with support, love and friendship, we start to understand that we have a physical difference that makes us want to drink and drink while others have an "off switch".

Stick with us Sweet. It can be a great life without drinking alcohol. Who said it had to be part of everyone's life anyway?
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Old 03-03-2007, 03:23 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you.
I don't know about you but when I was 20, thinking back, even then I wasn't drinking to have a good time like the other people around me. I already thought that I needed the alcohol and that was because, as dubs has suggested above, I was overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. Alcohol got rid of it, for a while at least. But, as you have also found I'm sure, it started getting me into trouble as I was sick for work and losing my grip.
Reading your story, I can see a lot of how my drinking career got itself started at about your age (I'm 32 now). It got that once I started that first drink, I couldn't stop but it took me a while to realise that.
What I've learnt now is that there is no knowing where that first drink will take me. I might be lucky and not fare to bad or, I might end up dead. But one thing's for sure, I have no control over it.
Once, I ran out in the middle of the road to try & kill myself. It was totally irrational but I had no control. I thought things would never get better. But, they can if you believe. I would stress that depression was all a part of it and of course, throughout the drinking years, the whole cycle of depression-drinking-worse depression-worse drinking got worse.
I hope you're not suffering too much with your hangover today and good luck with your fight & take heart in that we are all here to support you.
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Old 03-03-2007, 03:24 AM
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Originally Posted by wozzek View Post
You are in fantastic age to stop - there is a whole life in front of you.

I'll bet there are a few of us who wish we'd been as aware at such a young age.

Alcohol thrives on the vicious circle of abuse-depression-abuse to get over depression-depression-abuse-low self esteem .... it's a clever little *****r !!!!!!
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Old 03-03-2007, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Deathrow558 View Post
Trying to end my life was the loneliest experience of my life. I stood there by myself and made a conscious decision to do what I did but only after did It really hit me what I had wanted to do and I don't EVER want to be in that situation again. I can't describe the sorrow, pain and anger I felt towards myself and my family. I want to be able to come home from work and sit at home bored and NOT want to drink to relieve the boredom.

So far...it hasn't worked.

Thanks
Hello and welcome to SR.

There is great support here, and a wealth of useful information. Keep posting!
We are here for you.
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Old 03-03-2007, 05:41 AM
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Deathrow welcome to SR, you mention being lonely, bored, depressed, wanting to stop drinking and not being able to.

Well I happen to know of places full of people just like you and I, we all have been where you are at right now, we are all alcoholics who help each other get and or stay sober. These are the rooms of AA.

I owe my life to AA, when I went into the rooms I was welcome with open arms, I saw people smiling, I heard them laughing and having a great time, there was no doubt that they were not at all like me, I was broken, I had just gotten out of detox and I was miserable and scared. I wanted what they had bad, but how?

Well folks came up to me smiling and introduced them selfs, I looked like death warmed over, a semi sober old drunk, yet they didn't care.

I quickly learned that every one of them had been in my shoes, they were alcoholics just like me but with one major difference, they were sober, happy, joyous, and free!!!!

They all knew the pain, the loneliness, the self hate, the shame, the confusion, some of them had attempted suicide when they were drinking, some of them had spent time in jail or prison, yet here they were all of them together, the lawyer, the day laborer, the painter, the cashier, the black, the white, the hispanic, the jew, the catholic, the agnostic, the athiest, the straight and the gay, the old and the young, all of them together, happily sharing their experience, strength, and hope!

These people gave me freely all they had to give, they showed me how they stayed sober, they also showed me how to become a better person, a person that was no longer hating the person I saw in the mirror, they taught me how to love myself and respect myself.

AA was the answer to me, for years I had avoided AA because of folks who did not know what they were talking about telling me every crazy thing you can imagine about AA.

Go to AA meetings, not one or 2, but several, if you are to nervous about doing that call the AA hotline and talk to them, tell them what you are going through. You will be talking to a sober alcoholic when you call that will be very happy to share with you how they got and stay sober.

One of the best things about AA is you will never be judged for your past, I can tell you right now that there is not one thing you have done that at least a few of the people in the room have not done them selfs.

AA had the solution for me, I drank for 40 years, tried to quit on my own for the last 10 years and could not, went into detox to get sober and then straight into AA to stay sober. I got so much more from AA then simple sobriety, I got a real life, with real freinds!
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Old 03-03-2007, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Deathrow558 View Post
Ok, my first post. I dunno how this site works as I just arrived here.

I'm 20 years old and I live in Scotland.

I've been drinking since I was 15, heavily since I was about 17. My drinking slowed down when I got a full-time office job but recently it has creeped back up and it's scaring me. I KNOW I have an addiction. I work 5 days a week and can go without a drink for days if I'm working but sometimes I just come home from work and get an URGE to drink. I can't figure out what sets this urge off but it happens. And when I drink....I drink. I pretty much drink all I have and it might be 'cool' amongst college students who are with friends but when you're on your own, in your bedroom, with work the next day...it gets annoying.

I've tried stopping and obviously I haven't managed it.

The thing is...when I drink ( like now) I search and search and search for things that will trivialise my addiction. I watch films that are focused around drugs just so I can sit there and think " Oh well it could be worse" but I'm not fooling myself anymore.

Thankfully I've got friends but only my BEST friend knows I drink too much but even then...he doesn't REALLY know. He says things like "Christ...you drink too much" but it's in jest. He doesn't know that I drink litres of vodka and coke at night before I get up for work.

I've pretty much reached the end of my tether. I TRIED to kill myself a year ago but it was dissmised as attention seeking. I don't know how as I went somewhere that nobody (except bad luck for me that day) could find me and hung myself from a tree. Although I'll never try that again I just wish I could NOT think about drink.

Trying to end my life was the loneliest experience of my life. I stood there by myself and made a conscious decision to do what I did but only after did It really hit me what I had wanted to do and I don't EVER want to be in that situation again. I can't describe the sorrow, pain and anger I felt towards myself and my family. I want to be able to come home from work and sit at home bored and NOT want to drink to relieve the boredom.

So far...it hasn't worked.

Thanks

What support groups of methods of recovery have you tried??
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Old 03-03-2007, 07:28 AM
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HI deathrow. Great name! I used to feel like that too. Do lots of reading here, it helps. Something that really helped me when I quit was a change in my routine. Rather than coming home to the 'same old, same old' situation, I made a conscious effort to do different things. Walk, gym, groceries, cook, library. I was always doing something when that old witching hour rolled around. And I drank gallons of club soda.

Good luck to you.
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:11 PM
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Hi deathrow.
I wasnt going to post on this board anymore, i felt i was too selfish during my recovery.
But then i read your post.
Im also 20 years old, ive been drinking pretty much everyday since i was 15. I totally ****** up in school cause i was drinking/had a hangover when i shouldve attended to class. My friends doesnt understand why i wanna stay sober. I know what youre talking about

I didnt work for 6 months and my drinking got even worse. 4 months ago i got a job on a factory that makes makeup and perfume - its a heavy crapjob but i CANT go to work drunk cause i would risk other people lives with the machines we got and i wouldnt do that. So im a 20 year old alcoholic, but i function in life. I never tried to kill myself, but never had a reason to live still dont have and it makes me depressed as hell thinking about it. The pain and anger you feel against yourself and your familiy is feelings i have.
I really dont have alot of advices to give, as i said im way too selfish for this board as it is now. But i guess i just wanted to let you know that youre not alone, im on day 62 sober and had a terrible day yesterday but i made it through sober, if i can make so can you! If you cant do it alone you should try AA, i havnt but it has helped alot of people here. Other advices would be keep yourself busy, post here, work.. just dont get bored. You can always PM me if theres anything on your heart. I will listen, and i understand.

You should be glad youre taking care of this (i know you will make it :>) now when youre still so young
Ive read alot on this forum and some people lost so much cause of their drinking.
Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to realize and admit your problems.
Its never too late ofc, but the sooner you can possible deal with yourself and your drinking the better
You wont regret it for a second for the rest of your life.

I wish you the best of luck, plese keep posting and take care.

/minime
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:26 PM
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Thank you by his blood, ive answerd in the "i got some issues" thread aswell Thank you a 1000 times for the bumps
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:30 PM
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/minime...Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum!
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:31 PM
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Mini you are one of the people that help keep this old drunk sober! I love you, I know where you are at right now, I know that trapped lonely feeling. I know the self hatred and the shame you are feeling now. I know that powerless feeling!

I found a solution!!! I was beaten down like a dog, alcohol had kicked my arse! I was powerless and felt like there was nothing I could do. I finally put myself into detox to get sober and from there per the detox centers strong suggestion I went to AA.

The rooms of AA were the first place I have ever felt like I belonged, it was the first place I have ever been where I did not feel any one was judging me, they all knew how I felt and they wanted to show me how they had come to not only get and stay sober, but also how to be the best person I can be, how to be happy, how to love myself first and now the world.

If not AA then some other support group, you are not alone in this battle with the beast hon, for this old drunk it took the help and guidance of people in AA who have battled the beast and won on a day by day deliverance from the beast.

There are rooms full of people who have been where you are now and want you to join them in being happy, joyous and free!
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Old 03-03-2007, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post
/minime...Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum!
Thank you!


Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
Mini you are one of the people that help keep this old drunk sober! I love you, I know where you are at right now, I know that trapped lonely feeling. I know the self hatred and the shame you are feeling now. I know that powerless feeling!

The rooms of AA were the first place I have ever felt like I belonged, it was the first place I have ever been where I did not feel any one was judging me, they all knew how I felt and they wanted to show me how they had come to not only get and stay sober, but also how to be the best person I can be, how to be happy, how to love myself first and now the world.
Dont think AA is something for me, never shared my feeling with anyone before. Ive always been told to stfu lol. I started posting here and opening up, and its a start. And i know exactly what youre talking about! I never feel i belong anywhere. If i walk into a room where were 10 people and noone know anyone else i still feel like noone wants me there. I know its silly, but thats how i always feel. Left outside even tho i know im not.

Thank you for your replay, Im glad I and others help you stay sober.
Take care
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Old 03-03-2007, 02:19 PM
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Hi Mini,
Welcome and keep reading, posting & asking questions.

I was thinking the other day at my AA meeting how I felt as if I had finally gotten the "secret handshake." It may sound silly but I always felt in life that everyone had this "secret handshake" or "secret connection" that made them more human than I was. Finally, in AA, I feel like I got the secret handshake. The best part of it is, there are no membership requirements for AA other than a desire to stop drinking. So any and all can get that "secret handshake." Maybe I didn't express myself too well but bottom line is, in AA I finally felt as though I belonged.
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