wozzek

After a couple of years of sobriety I relapsed. I had been going through hell during my two and a half years of abstinence but did not drink.

Once when it seems I am on my way back to life I become nervous, irritated with every single problem in the project (I thrive when the problems are present; I am always calm and capable of resolving them) I am leading and did not recognize a "build up for a drink".

So I had a drink and, sure, was totally drunk for three days in a row, blackouts present, money that I cannot affort to spend spent. I am on my new first day of sobriety but now when the Pandora box was open, I am afraid...

nivosa

Just take it one day at a time, there's nothing more you can do but give it up to your higher power. I had 5 years under my belt and had "one" beer......it was a long two years after that "one" beer that I came back to sobriety because I thought I could handle it. I now know that I can't handle it, so I gave it up to my higher power and now I am 83 days sober. You can do it, just keep going to meetings and posting welcome back
Rick

leviathon

Wozzek, I've had that experience, and I know how frustrating it is. I did not have the nervousness and anxiety, rather I fell into complacency. I am ok, no urges, its all good... boom drank... remorseful to the extreme, got back on wagon and doing well.

Peace, and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Levi

CarolD

Hi wozzek...
Sorry to see you slid back into drinking.

A new day...a fresh start...
Welcome back to sobriety and SR!

Blessings

Tazman53

wozzeck as I imagine is true with any one like myself new to sobriety (94 days after 40 years of being drunk), relapse is one of my biggest fears, I look for details that allow me to not relapse.

I have been told that relapse is not a mandantory part of recovery and I sure hope it isn't, because I am not sure if I could make it back to sobriety again.

My hat is off to you for coming back in so quickly, if you do not mind me asking what kind of program were you using before to get and stay sober? What do you feel actually led to your relapse?

wozzek we are here for you in regards to support.

Grasshopper

You say that you did not recognize a build up for a drink.Take time,to,get to the root and causes,or history will repeat itself.
Dust yourself off,and pick yourself up and go again.
dont stop before the miracle happens,
and,
welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wozzek

Arrogance, perhaps? Combined with cowardice, maybe? If our disease is a mirror of self-destructive tendencies than this one (relapse, that is) is also just that. The chance I was given at this moment is something so many would kill for and if you add the fact that given the circumstances I was in just weeks before (having no home, totally broke, completely alone) it was highly unlikely that I will even survive much less to be where I am now – it makes it even harder to me to comprehend.

I am trying very hard to accept all that as a slip, a mistake, a result of so many incredible circumstances, something I also owe to the stress x 100 etc., not to build on self-loathing but to embrace sobriety again with all my strength. However I really am feeling horrible. Now it is clear to me that alcohol came back with all it force for weeks, perhaps even months before the first drink and I was so stupid not to recognize it, allowing it to take over my life. Ok, the relapse itself was a brief episode (three days) but nevertheless devastating.

To have all that – lies, blackouts, powerlessness, stupidity – back again was horrible, all the foundations of my new life are seriously shaken. Again being on the day number “2” makes me feel vulnerable. I know I will subject myself (alcohol will, hungry brain will) to all kind of tricks – have it, have it again – and do not know will I be able to save myself.

gypsytears

You're back on track now though right? Shaken maybe, but you know what to do and you're doing it. That's something positive.

Tazman53

wozzek are you using any kind of support system/program? I know I could not do it on my own, I could not even go three days without before I finally got sober via de-tox and into AA.

wozzek obviously you were doing something right to have gone 2 1/2 years sober, it also appears as though you have a grasp on what led to the relapse and you also do not want to go back to where you were.

If I were in your shoes I would grab on to what got 2 1/2 years under my belt, learn from mymistake, and either do more of what kept me sober before or look into some thing else.

ay100

On the vagon again. Have no worries just stay sober today, tomorrow and trhereafter

nivosa

wozzek,
I can totally relate to the vulnerable feelings you have when you first gain sobriety. I went five years without a drink, and after a two year relapse I finally am back, but being only the 84th day I feel like a kid again learning everything for the first time. I've had one slip in that 84 days, and the guilt, self-loathing, and absolute hatred of alcohol have made me see that living a life in the bottle is not really living at all. Keep up the good work, go to meetings and keep posting, this place really helps. Take care!
Rick

Nuudawn

I get so nervous when I hear about slips and relapses cuz at two weeks into hopefully my last attempt at stopping this insanity...I'm wary. Like Tazman I am wondering about your support system too. I was vehemently against AA up until 2 weeks ago. I consider myself an intelligent and well read person and truly believed I could quit on my own until a wonderful moment almost 2 weeks ago. I thought I could read enough about it or distract myself with healthier choice (the gym, hobbies, etc). Finally, I surrendered. Finally I realized that I was "broken". I didn't have any will left...no fire in my belly anymore. Booze had taken that too. I admitted I was finally powerless. My previous periods of abstinence were also so difficult and I couldn't handle my anger and other emotions for any great length of time (so kudos on 2 years).

At any rate, in my mind, it doesn't matter how smart or well read or how much pure will a person possesses...ingested booze for me is omnipotent...and pretty powerful opponent at a distance. The support I have found at AA blows my mind. I get so much from listening to these people and knowing they understand my hell of lonelieness and self imposed isolation. I am not an island...I am not tough enough...I finally admitted I needed people just like me. I dunno, maybe I'm already preaching to the choir here. I just know that when I finally got over my fear or disdain or whatever it was about AA....I found hope again...which was the last thing I lost.