Lonely
Guest
Posts: n/a
Lonely
I quit 70+ days ago but now I want to quit quitting. I don't want to be sober anymore. I feel like I'm owned by alcohol. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. My best worst friend. I want to believe in myself but I don't. I want someone else to believe in me but nobody who really knows me does. People who know me either think I'm already drinking again or that its just a matter of ttime. I'm totally confused and scared and lonely and I know this is one helluva pity party. 
I take my kid to school and pass 2 liquor stores there and back and every single day I wanna pull in there and get one little bitty bottle, those one shot sized bottles. I rationalize that if I were to only buy one of them maybe it would take away enough of the edge that I won't want to drink anymore. Yet I know I'd never stop at just one little bitty bottle, I can't stop at one. I can't stop at a dozen or two dozen and I know one little bitty bottle would end up being what it always ends up being.
Someone from AA keeps telling me don't give up before the miracle. When does the desire to stay sober overcome the desire to be drunk? I wonder if I ever really hit rock bottom so to speak. I do still remember my last drunk and it was horrible but yet I still long for one more time. Is that totally crazy to think that way? I wish I could figure this out and do it right this time.
I take my kid to school and pass 2 liquor stores there and back and every single day I wanna pull in there and get one little bitty bottle, those one shot sized bottles. I rationalize that if I were to only buy one of them maybe it would take away enough of the edge that I won't want to drink anymore. Yet I know I'd never stop at just one little bitty bottle, I can't stop at one. I can't stop at a dozen or two dozen and I know one little bitty bottle would end up being what it always ends up being.
Someone from AA keeps telling me don't give up before the miracle. When does the desire to stay sober overcome the desire to be drunk? I wonder if I ever really hit rock bottom so to speak. I do still remember my last drunk and it was horrible but yet I still long for one more time. Is that totally crazy to think that way? I wish I could figure this out and do it right this time.
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Sarasota, FL
Posts: 6
Do you really want to start over?
Do you really want to start AGAIN with day 1, 2, 3 etc? You have 70+ days! Think about how hard it was the first month, the second month and how hard it's going to be to start all over again.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm an alcoholic too and a mother. What you are doing is romancing the drink and/or high. I do it too. I think you should take it one hour at a time. Ask you HP to help keep you sober for just one more hour. Then when that hour is up, ask again. The craving will pass if you try. Take a walk or call your sponsor. Try taking a different route to school if necessary.
Hang in there.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm an alcoholic too and a mother. What you are doing is romancing the drink and/or high. I do it too. I think you should take it one hour at a time. Ask you HP to help keep you sober for just one more hour. Then when that hour is up, ask again. The craving will pass if you try. Take a walk or call your sponsor. Try taking a different route to school if necessary.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
onceagain
Welcome to SR you will find many good people here willing to put there hand out for you,
I was told when I got to A.A. that I never need to be alone again,
unless I chose to.
I had a terrible obsession for alcohol, I'm not sure exactly when it left, while going through the steps and going to tons of meetings, one day I just realized that the obsession was gone, it happens in different times for different people, when i was willing to do anything to stay sober it got a lot easier for me.
my best to you.
Jay
Welcome to SR you will find many good people here willing to put there hand out for you,
I was told when I got to A.A. that I never need to be alone again,
unless I chose to.
I had a terrible obsession for alcohol, I'm not sure exactly when it left, while going through the steps and going to tons of meetings, one day I just realized that the obsession was gone, it happens in different times for different people, when i was willing to do anything to stay sober it got a lot easier for me.
my best to you.
Jay
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Onceagain,welcome to the forum.
I am glad you understand enough about your disease to know that there is no such thing as one "itty bitty drink" for an alcoholic.
Don't allow yourself to be caught up in the same old insane pattern of thinking again.
Instead of thinking about the "high" that alcohol will bring,focus instead on your last bad experiences with drinking and think about the consequences.
You have a lot to be proud of having gone seventy days without a drink,but dont believe that after many years of drinking people will just take us on our word that we have stopped drinking for good.I made hundreds of promises to my friends and family that I was going to stop only to come staggering home again.Even today with five years sober my family still looks at me suspiciously when I come to work looking a little run down because I'm having a head cold.
Be true to yourself,hold the course and dont allow your mind to trick you into thinking a drink will make things better.
I am happy to hear you are a member of AA.There are lots of people at AA who would love to get a call from you or an invitation to get together and have coffee before the meetings.
I am fortunate to be part of a fellowship thats very dynamic.We are always doing stuff,Going to picnics,playing cards,attending concerts,movies,or even just hanging out together at the local coffee shop.We call each other a lot and we stay in touch.This is how the programme works...one alcoholic helping another.
Good things happen to alcoholics who stay sober.I know people who stay in AA work the programme and get some good quality sober time under their belts and even go on to have healthy romantic relationships.......but it all takes time.
Dont be too impatient with yourself and it's okay to be scared and confused sometimes.None of us knows what the future holds and it is okay to not have all the answers.
Living in the past and dreading the future only robs us of that most precious of gifts....the time that we have now.
Believe in yourself onceagain.I believe in you.If I can believe in myself then I can believe in others.
Hang in there,keep your chin up...wipe the tears from your eyes but dont give up on yourself and your kids......
In the meantime keep coming back..oh,and congratulations on your seventy days.
Peter.
I am glad you understand enough about your disease to know that there is no such thing as one "itty bitty drink" for an alcoholic.
Don't allow yourself to be caught up in the same old insane pattern of thinking again.
Instead of thinking about the "high" that alcohol will bring,focus instead on your last bad experiences with drinking and think about the consequences.
You have a lot to be proud of having gone seventy days without a drink,but dont believe that after many years of drinking people will just take us on our word that we have stopped drinking for good.I made hundreds of promises to my friends and family that I was going to stop only to come staggering home again.Even today with five years sober my family still looks at me suspiciously when I come to work looking a little run down because I'm having a head cold.
Be true to yourself,hold the course and dont allow your mind to trick you into thinking a drink will make things better.
I am happy to hear you are a member of AA.There are lots of people at AA who would love to get a call from you or an invitation to get together and have coffee before the meetings.
I am fortunate to be part of a fellowship thats very dynamic.We are always doing stuff,Going to picnics,playing cards,attending concerts,movies,or even just hanging out together at the local coffee shop.We call each other a lot and we stay in touch.This is how the programme works...one alcoholic helping another.
Good things happen to alcoholics who stay sober.I know people who stay in AA work the programme and get some good quality sober time under their belts and even go on to have healthy romantic relationships.......but it all takes time.
Dont be too impatient with yourself and it's okay to be scared and confused sometimes.None of us knows what the future holds and it is okay to not have all the answers.
Living in the past and dreading the future only robs us of that most precious of gifts....the time that we have now.
Believe in yourself onceagain.I believe in you.If I can believe in myself then I can believe in others.
Hang in there,keep your chin up...wipe the tears from your eyes but dont give up on yourself and your kids......
In the meantime keep coming back..oh,and congratulations on your seventy days.
Peter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 11
Thanks for sharing your anguish. I still have my first AA meeting to go to, and the responses have moved me move still closer. Knowing that you find it so difficult helps me find strength at my weakness and fear -- it helps to know I am not alone.
Don't give in. After 2 sober days this week, I gave in this weekend after a series of mildly stressful occurrences -- only one drink to help me until the afternoon's events started. I had easily 8 ounces of vodka prior to the activities and more than 2/3 a liter of vodka before bedtime (I realized the next morning). (I switched to vodka so I wouldn't smell so bad.)
Don't give in. There's no such thing as "one small drink." (I can give sound advice, I just don't know yet how to follow it.)
Jim
Don't give in. After 2 sober days this week, I gave in this weekend after a series of mildly stressful occurrences -- only one drink to help me until the afternoon's events started. I had easily 8 ounces of vodka prior to the activities and more than 2/3 a liter of vodka before bedtime (I realized the next morning). (I switched to vodka so I wouldn't smell so bad.)
Don't give in. There's no such thing as "one small drink." (I can give sound advice, I just don't know yet how to follow it.)
Jim
Guest
Posts: n/a
Grieving
I can so relate to what your saying.
When I first got sober, I felt like I lost my best friend. The one that I never wanted. It's that love hate relationship. There was defiantly a grieving process. I finally got over it when I started counting all of the little blessings every day, and learning to deal with my feelings and emotions, like normal people do.
The way I see it, you are at a turning point. Now is the time to drive the long way to take your kids to school, where you don't drive by the alcohol dealer stores, call another AA before and after you take your kid to school, read books, take walks, do volunteer work, go to lot's and lot's of meetings, whatever you need to do, to occupy that space between your ears.
One day, one moment at a time
When I first got sober, I felt like I lost my best friend. The one that I never wanted. It's that love hate relationship. There was defiantly a grieving process. I finally got over it when I started counting all of the little blessings every day, and learning to deal with my feelings and emotions, like normal people do.
The way I see it, you are at a turning point. Now is the time to drive the long way to take your kids to school, where you don't drive by the alcohol dealer stores, call another AA before and after you take your kid to school, read books, take walks, do volunteer work, go to lot's and lot's of meetings, whatever you need to do, to occupy that space between your ears.
One day, one moment at a time
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom and the encouragement. It is officially past midnight where I live and the state doesn't sell liquor after midnight, so I did make it another day, hour by hour.
I really appreciate the honesty here, this was my first post and having someone point out that there are other roads that lead to the school really did help me to realize that I sabatoge myself by driving that route while knowing the temptation is there screaming at me. Thanks for that reality check.
You guys are great here, thanks again.
I really appreciate the honesty here, this was my first post and having someone point out that there are other roads that lead to the school really did help me to realize that I sabatoge myself by driving that route while knowing the temptation is there screaming at me. Thanks for that reality check.
You guys are great here, thanks again.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 55
Hi Once Again,
Welcome to the wonderful world of alcoholism.
Your first post on this topic illustrates better than I ever could the nature of this disease. Cunning, Baffling, Powerful!!!
Whether you know it, see it, or feel it in any way, you ARE in the solution already, and are without a doubt doing the right things.
Remember that our minds and our emotions mean very little now. We have bodies that cannot process alcohol, and minds that cannot differentiaite the true from the false. The problem is spiritual in nature, and once that spiritual malady is addressed, we straighten out mentally, emotionally and physically. Taking the steps is the solution.
Remember also that this is not your fault. I seriously doubt that you woke up one day and said:
"Hmmmm....I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up."
Keep reaching out to God in whatever ways you know how. I'd also like to offer a couple of suggestions you might try daily.
First, these are the five basics of recovery, as suggested to me by my sponsor:
1. Wake up and ask God to keep you sober today.
2. Read something in the blue book of AA.
3. Go to a meeting.
4. Speak with another sober alcoholic outside of the house.
5. Pray again at night, thanking that higher power of your understanding for keeping you sober another day.
Second, the obsession and that overwhelming sense of loss you described have hit many an alcoholic, including me. You might also want to try this when that obsession hits you again.
First, ask God to remove the obsession as many times as necessary. Then turn your attention towards doing the next right thing, or asking God to do it for you. What that next right thing is may be turning off the windshield wipers while you are driving, taking the next side street, calling someone...anything.
You did that already by posting to this board, by finding a new route to work. Keep on going. You are indeed not alone and in fact well on your way.
Blessings
Welcome to the wonderful world of alcoholism.
Your first post on this topic illustrates better than I ever could the nature of this disease. Cunning, Baffling, Powerful!!!
Whether you know it, see it, or feel it in any way, you ARE in the solution already, and are without a doubt doing the right things.
Remember that our minds and our emotions mean very little now. We have bodies that cannot process alcohol, and minds that cannot differentiaite the true from the false. The problem is spiritual in nature, and once that spiritual malady is addressed, we straighten out mentally, emotionally and physically. Taking the steps is the solution.
Remember also that this is not your fault. I seriously doubt that you woke up one day and said:
"Hmmmm....I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up."
Keep reaching out to God in whatever ways you know how. I'd also like to offer a couple of suggestions you might try daily.
First, these are the five basics of recovery, as suggested to me by my sponsor:
1. Wake up and ask God to keep you sober today.
2. Read something in the blue book of AA.
3. Go to a meeting.
4. Speak with another sober alcoholic outside of the house.
5. Pray again at night, thanking that higher power of your understanding for keeping you sober another day.
Second, the obsession and that overwhelming sense of loss you described have hit many an alcoholic, including me. You might also want to try this when that obsession hits you again.
First, ask God to remove the obsession as many times as necessary. Then turn your attention towards doing the next right thing, or asking God to do it for you. What that next right thing is may be turning off the windshield wipers while you are driving, taking the next side street, calling someone...anything.
You did that already by posting to this board, by finding a new route to work. Keep on going. You are indeed not alone and in fact well on your way.
Blessings
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
