isolated and cynical
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Japan
Posts: 3
isolated and cynical
I want to stop drinking. Very much. I drink alone almost every night, even though I don't want to, don't enjoy it, and know that it's terrible for me. I don't understand how it happens -- I can be feeling healthy and cheerful, have a great day at work, have a pleasant dinner with friends (no alcohol), have no conscious need for a drink. But as soon as I'm alone in my little apartment, I discover that on the way home I bought a six-pack (now how did that happen again?) and I immediately start drinking it, and smoking ciggies -- I hate those too, and don't smoke when I'm sober.
This has been going on for about two years. One night last May I got very very drunk and scared the bejesus out of myself, and then quit for several months and felt great. But as the weather started getting colder and darker this fall, I found myself losing motivation, getting depressed; I can't even remember how I first started slipping into the old habits. Now it's worse than ever.
Sometimes I'll start right after work and drink till bedtime, which is enough to give me a nasty hangover the next day. So as a way to keep it under control, I tried to schedule lots of things to do in the evenings, so that by the time I got home, I would only have time for two or three beers before bed. Recently, though, if it's 5 o'clock and I have a choice, go to the gym with a friend or start drinking right away, more and more often I'll choose the drink. Even though I don't want to. Even though I'm sad about missing the events and things I skip. Every morning I promise I'll never do it again but by the time evening rolls around... I never realized how common this experience was until I started reading these forums.
I hate it.
I'm 28, my parents and friends don't drink much, and I didn't used to have a problem with it. I rarely drank in college, and after I entered the working world, I could have wine with dinner or go out for a cocktail once in a while without it making me want another and another and another, like it does now. How did it happen? I can't believe that I have become an acoholic, but I have.
I'm scared, and I would like to try an AA meeting or something like it, but I live in rural Japan. Alcoholism isn't really addressed here the way it is in western cultures, and while there are a couple of AA groups in the big cities, they are several hours away from me. There are some nice dotors in my town, but they don't speak English, and this isn't something I feel like I can really talk about in Japanese -- it's awfully hard even in my mother tongue. And while I have some English-speaking friends here, there's no one that I'm really close to. There's no one I feel like I can confide in. I'm ashamed, I know you're going to tell me not to be, but I am. Quite honestly, I don't think my friends would understand what's happening to me or know what to say; they'd all be so shocked. They think I'm so quiet and responsible, even staying in on the weekends sometimes to study japanese. (I used to study; now I just swig beer on the balcony).
One more problem I have with the recovery materials and resources I found on the web is: I am a cynical bugger! All the inspirational quotes, the prayers, the poems... I just can't take them seriously, they all sound to me like outdated Hallmark cards or pastel posters from my high school guidance counselor's office. I tried but just can't feel a personal reaction to stuff so durn trite!
Wow, it felt really good to write all this down. I've never done that before. Thanks to anyone who bothered to take the time to read it all. I feel lonely and isolated and helpless. I hate this place I'm at in my life, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. It means a lot to have found this message board and to be able to at least "virtually" talk to someone. So thanks for that.
This has been going on for about two years. One night last May I got very very drunk and scared the bejesus out of myself, and then quit for several months and felt great. But as the weather started getting colder and darker this fall, I found myself losing motivation, getting depressed; I can't even remember how I first started slipping into the old habits. Now it's worse than ever.
Sometimes I'll start right after work and drink till bedtime, which is enough to give me a nasty hangover the next day. So as a way to keep it under control, I tried to schedule lots of things to do in the evenings, so that by the time I got home, I would only have time for two or three beers before bed. Recently, though, if it's 5 o'clock and I have a choice, go to the gym with a friend or start drinking right away, more and more often I'll choose the drink. Even though I don't want to. Even though I'm sad about missing the events and things I skip. Every morning I promise I'll never do it again but by the time evening rolls around... I never realized how common this experience was until I started reading these forums.
I hate it.
I'm 28, my parents and friends don't drink much, and I didn't used to have a problem with it. I rarely drank in college, and after I entered the working world, I could have wine with dinner or go out for a cocktail once in a while without it making me want another and another and another, like it does now. How did it happen? I can't believe that I have become an acoholic, but I have.
I'm scared, and I would like to try an AA meeting or something like it, but I live in rural Japan. Alcoholism isn't really addressed here the way it is in western cultures, and while there are a couple of AA groups in the big cities, they are several hours away from me. There are some nice dotors in my town, but they don't speak English, and this isn't something I feel like I can really talk about in Japanese -- it's awfully hard even in my mother tongue. And while I have some English-speaking friends here, there's no one that I'm really close to. There's no one I feel like I can confide in. I'm ashamed, I know you're going to tell me not to be, but I am. Quite honestly, I don't think my friends would understand what's happening to me or know what to say; they'd all be so shocked. They think I'm so quiet and responsible, even staying in on the weekends sometimes to study japanese. (I used to study; now I just swig beer on the balcony).
One more problem I have with the recovery materials and resources I found on the web is: I am a cynical bugger! All the inspirational quotes, the prayers, the poems... I just can't take them seriously, they all sound to me like outdated Hallmark cards or pastel posters from my high school guidance counselor's office. I tried but just can't feel a personal reaction to stuff so durn trite!
Wow, it felt really good to write all this down. I've never done that before. Thanks to anyone who bothered to take the time to read it all. I feel lonely and isolated and helpless. I hate this place I'm at in my life, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. It means a lot to have found this message board and to be able to at least "virtually" talk to someone. So thanks for that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MAINE USA
Posts: 312
I can understand how you feel. This web site is a God send. I go to AA meetings and use this site. 3:46 AM here inMaine USA. So many people sleeping that could give you real good fedback. Your progression of the disease sound normal to me. It will get heavier. You are doing the right thing for yourself by useing this site. Congrads to you. Step One
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Japan
Posts: 3
Yup, still here, thank you! Four in the morning, my goodness. I'm just heading out to dinner -- my friend has somehow obtained a turkey, which is not an easy thing to do on this side of the globe, and we're having a Christmas dinner. I don't think anyone's planning on drinking this evening, happily for me. I'm going to quit I'm going to quit I'm going to quit!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 363
Hi Jovie
Alcoholism is progressive by its very nature. At 28, you're in a position to make choices for yourself that could prevent some very undesirable consequences.
There's a sticky at the top of this forum with links to various recovery groups.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
On-line recovery works for many people, and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Keep well
Ron
Alcoholism is progressive by its very nature. At 28, you're in a position to make choices for yourself that could prevent some very undesirable consequences.
There's a sticky at the top of this forum with links to various recovery groups.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
On-line recovery works for many people, and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Keep well
Ron
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Jovie, Welcome!
I was 28 when I realized I had to stop drinking. It took me several attempts to get it through my head, but it was undeniable to me at that point.
I was alot like you are now. I went through 4 years trying to control myself and making deals with myself about certain types of alcohool, certain conditions I would permit myself to drink under, etc etc...I even tried "just organic wine" for awhile.
In the Big Book of alcoholics Anonymous, I found this type of behaviour described and found the help I needed to get and stay sober.
You are at a great supportive site. We are here for you if you want information, help or support. Keep checking into the forums and read alot, post more and let us get to know how you are doing!!
I was 28 when I realized I had to stop drinking. It took me several attempts to get it through my head, but it was undeniable to me at that point.
I was alot like you are now. I went through 4 years trying to control myself and making deals with myself about certain types of alcohool, certain conditions I would permit myself to drink under, etc etc...I even tried "just organic wine" for awhile.
In the Big Book of alcoholics Anonymous, I found this type of behaviour described and found the help I needed to get and stay sober.
You are at a great supportive site. We are here for you if you want information, help or support. Keep checking into the forums and read alot, post more and let us get to know how you are doing!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome!!
I suggest you read this infomation..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...fluence-2.html
Take care..
I suggest you read this infomation..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...fluence-2.html
Take care..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 26
Welcome Jovie!
I'm glad you found this site. Online recovery has been great for me for those times when i'm unable to get to a face-to-face meeting. After almost 6 years i'm often still as cynical as when i got here, but hearing the experience strength and hope from others i can get a flicker of understanding and enjoyment of how those seemingly dumb slogans and one-liners have a glimmer of magic to them.
As we say in meetings, "Keep coming back!" We're here every day, so let us know how you're doing. From my experience, you'll always find someone who can relate and share what they've learned.
- Jim
I'm glad you found this site. Online recovery has been great for me for those times when i'm unable to get to a face-to-face meeting. After almost 6 years i'm often still as cynical as when i got here, but hearing the experience strength and hope from others i can get a flicker of understanding and enjoyment of how those seemingly dumb slogans and one-liners have a glimmer of magic to them.
As we say in meetings, "Keep coming back!" We're here every day, so let us know how you're doing. From my experience, you'll always find someone who can relate and share what they've learned.
- Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Japan
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by brians 
told you Jovie, you type and they will come.
What smart wonderful people.
What smart wonderful people.
The turkey was oishikatta (that means tasty in japanese). Take care everyone.
HopeInFaith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 62
Hi Jovie - you are not alone. As you read through these posts you'll see some stories you can relate to and others you can't..but the common theme I've found among all of them is the desire to be better, and reading these posts and experiences helps, it really does.
If there is something inside of you that is urging you to take a look at your drinking, chances are you should probably listen to it. I get that urge as well, and when I don't listen to it - I never look back at that choice fondly...lately there haven't been many drinking experiences where I think, now that was a GREAT time.
If there is something inside of you that is urging you to take a look at your drinking, chances are you should probably listen to it. I get that urge as well, and when I don't listen to it - I never look back at that choice fondly...lately there haven't been many drinking experiences where I think, now that was a GREAT time.
Garden variety drunk
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Laramie, Wy
Posts: 13
Hi, Jovie.
Something tells me to tell you this part of my story.
I used to think drinking was my problem. If that was true, then stopping would be the solution. But when I stopped, I felt worse. I'd still want a drink, and eventually I'd have one. It might take six weeks or six months or two years, but I'd eventually have one, and for me there's no such thing as one.
Turns out drinking was my solution. I had to find out what my problem was and figure out a different solution. In the fewest words possible, my problem was selfish fear, and the solution was prayer and helping others. I had been through rehab and all kinds of psychotherapy and was still at the mercy of the drink obsession until I very simply asked God to remove it. Didn't believe it would work, but it did, instantly and ever since. I know it sounds hard to believe.
That's just like it says in the Big Book, and a lot of people find they don't like it one bit. Which is cool. What my intuition tells me is important here is that "I wasn't a problem drinker but a solution drinker." I drank to fill a spiritual void, and once I filled that void in a healthy way, the drink obsession left me.
As for what you call your cynicism: Sure, the corny stuff makes my skin crawl. I'm too cool for that, see? Come to find out a lot of that was nothing but fear and pride: fear of being vulnerable and really feeling an emotion, and pride in being cooler than the Chicken Soup for the Soul crowd. I had to lose some of that to get anywhere spiritually. I still wouldn't be caught dead with a Chicken Soup book or a Footprints poster. So don't worry-- God let me keep as much of my fear and pride as I cared to hang on to.
Anyway, if you're asking me, get a copy of the Big Book tonight and read "The Doctor's Opinion" three times, and nothing else. Maybe you're not asking me, but there it is.
Something tells me to tell you this part of my story.
I used to think drinking was my problem. If that was true, then stopping would be the solution. But when I stopped, I felt worse. I'd still want a drink, and eventually I'd have one. It might take six weeks or six months or two years, but I'd eventually have one, and for me there's no such thing as one.
Turns out drinking was my solution. I had to find out what my problem was and figure out a different solution. In the fewest words possible, my problem was selfish fear, and the solution was prayer and helping others. I had been through rehab and all kinds of psychotherapy and was still at the mercy of the drink obsession until I very simply asked God to remove it. Didn't believe it would work, but it did, instantly and ever since. I know it sounds hard to believe.
That's just like it says in the Big Book, and a lot of people find they don't like it one bit. Which is cool. What my intuition tells me is important here is that "I wasn't a problem drinker but a solution drinker." I drank to fill a spiritual void, and once I filled that void in a healthy way, the drink obsession left me.
As for what you call your cynicism: Sure, the corny stuff makes my skin crawl. I'm too cool for that, see? Come to find out a lot of that was nothing but fear and pride: fear of being vulnerable and really feeling an emotion, and pride in being cooler than the Chicken Soup for the Soul crowd. I had to lose some of that to get anywhere spiritually. I still wouldn't be caught dead with a Chicken Soup book or a Footprints poster. So don't worry-- God let me keep as much of my fear and pride as I cared to hang on to.
Anyway, if you're asking me, get a copy of the Big Book tonight and read "The Doctor's Opinion" three times, and nothing else. Maybe you're not asking me, but there it is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
