Mtnmagic's Midnight Mutterings....
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
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Mtnmagic's Midnight Mutterings....
I have seven days today. As the sun comes up I will commit myself to a new day of freedom, a day of sobriety. I have spent this week detoxing, going to meetings, reaffirming my faith and belief in a HP and being grateful to the point of getting on my knees that I saw what alcohol was doing to me before I lost everything.
I was blessed in the fact that I was sober...(ok, only 5 days..but sober) when my oldest son came to me and asked for help for his addiction to painkillers. I can't imagine what it would have been like if he had come to me just days before. There would have been no way I could have been there for him. Taking him to the Dr. getting him on a medically approved detox program was pretty ironic, as I have barely quit shaking and baking myself. But I was able to do it.
At the meetings I go to I listen with an open mind. I guess I am willing. I try not think about the years of sobriety I threw away. All things happen for a reason. The important thing is that in my quest to be "normal"...(yeah, like normal people try to destroy themselves everyday of the week...wait a minute maybe they really do....LOL) anyway, back on track here...I found my way back to recovery.
I think I'm going to use this thread to continue my journey, write down my thoughts.
I invite anyone here to join in, however they see fit.
This board has been a lifeline to me this last week. It is here 24/7. I have gotten help from not only those that responded directly to my posts, but just by reading for hours and hours the heartfelt posts from those of you that use this as support. When you write down these pieces to your life, the good, bad and ugly...you reach people like me. Silently wondering will we make it through another minute, hour, or day. I don't know you, but I have both laughed and cried with many of you this week. For this I thank you.
As for me, sleep will come in due time...until then I can wander these halls, read from the Big Book, meditate and most important of all, just not drink for one more day.
I was blessed in the fact that I was sober...(ok, only 5 days..but sober) when my oldest son came to me and asked for help for his addiction to painkillers. I can't imagine what it would have been like if he had come to me just days before. There would have been no way I could have been there for him. Taking him to the Dr. getting him on a medically approved detox program was pretty ironic, as I have barely quit shaking and baking myself. But I was able to do it.
At the meetings I go to I listen with an open mind. I guess I am willing. I try not think about the years of sobriety I threw away. All things happen for a reason. The important thing is that in my quest to be "normal"...(yeah, like normal people try to destroy themselves everyday of the week...wait a minute maybe they really do....LOL) anyway, back on track here...I found my way back to recovery.
I think I'm going to use this thread to continue my journey, write down my thoughts.
I invite anyone here to join in, however they see fit.
This board has been a lifeline to me this last week. It is here 24/7. I have gotten help from not only those that responded directly to my posts, but just by reading for hours and hours the heartfelt posts from those of you that use this as support. When you write down these pieces to your life, the good, bad and ugly...you reach people like me. Silently wondering will we make it through another minute, hour, or day. I don't know you, but I have both laughed and cried with many of you this week. For this I thank you.
As for me, sleep will come in due time...until then I can wander these halls, read from the Big Book, meditate and most important of all, just not drink for one more day.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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I enjoyed your sharing, thanks. Sounds like you started back on the right path just in time for your son...... or maybe he saw his dad walking down a path he wanted to walk down also.
I was talking to a young man last night at a meeting and he does NA when he can and AA when NA is not meeting. I asked him if there was any real difference between the 2 as far as the meetings and program. He said no, the only thing he did like better about AA meetings was there were more people there. We have a lot of folks here in AA that are cross addicted. IMO the only difference between alcohol and drugs is one is legal and one is not (Well except for prescription drugs and even there one has to break the law to maintain an addiction to them.).
I was talking to a young man last night at a meeting and he does NA when he can and AA when NA is not meeting. I asked him if there was any real difference between the 2 as far as the meetings and program. He said no, the only thing he did like better about AA meetings was there were more people there. We have a lot of folks here in AA that are cross addicted. IMO the only difference between alcohol and drugs is one is legal and one is not (Well except for prescription drugs and even there one has to break the law to maintain an addiction to them.).
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Thanks for the replies folks. Well it is not Midnight and I'm really not muttering yet...but I am going to go for a walk. Take the dog for a walk.
We are in the middle of our slow season at work. Next week things should pick up, but right now having three days off can be a killer both financially and timewise. I have increased my meeting attendance, but there are only three meetings a day here where I live. I sure wish there was a club of some sorts to go hang out.
Don't want to go Christmas shopping. I think I have the hang of this about Christmas not being about things. I used to get so stressed out at Christmas, if I couldn't buy everybody just the right gift. Would actually make myself ill. I finally let it all go last year. It has been a huge relief. I do put up a tree and decorate the house. I'm lucky that my youngest son is 17. I don't miss the chaos of Christmas shopping at all.
Well I'm off to walk the dog. Sure is cold here. Maybe another day of snow. I am off to a meeting later this morning, and then who knows? I'll just have to find something to keep my little difficult self busy!
We are in the middle of our slow season at work. Next week things should pick up, but right now having three days off can be a killer both financially and timewise. I have increased my meeting attendance, but there are only three meetings a day here where I live. I sure wish there was a club of some sorts to go hang out.
Don't want to go Christmas shopping. I think I have the hang of this about Christmas not being about things. I used to get so stressed out at Christmas, if I couldn't buy everybody just the right gift. Would actually make myself ill. I finally let it all go last year. It has been a huge relief. I do put up a tree and decorate the house. I'm lucky that my youngest son is 17. I don't miss the chaos of Christmas shopping at all.
Well I'm off to walk the dog. Sure is cold here. Maybe another day of snow. I am off to a meeting later this morning, and then who knows? I'll just have to find something to keep my little difficult self busy!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: derbyshire uk
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hi
hi mtn hope ur ok babe my sleep patern is still haywire but gettin better hope u enjoy ur walk im just of 2 my very 1st AA meeting lol dont know what 2 expect but hay-hoe lets give it a go lol
all the best mick xx
all the best mick xx
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Thanks SportsGuy.
I went to a meeting last night at six. Interesting enough, a coworker had been calling me and calling me when I was out "sick" (read drunk) last week. At first I just lied to her and fed her the line about being sick. Yesterday I just felt I had to come clean. So I told her that I had been less then truthful with her and I felt really bad about it. I shared with her that I was an alcoholic and what really was going on with me. There was silence on the other end of the phone. Then she told me that she was a drug addict that had relapsed a couple of months ago. She said she had wanted to tell me, but was afraid. She was staying clean, but afraid to return to any meetings. I invited her to go with me last night and she did. It wasn't the most inspirational meeting, it wasn't the worst meeting, but you know what it was exactly what we both needed. We have been trying to be friends for several months, but both had kept up a wall between us. Last night went a long, long way in taking that wall down. We work the same shift and will be able to support each other at work. Work can be a difficult place because we work in a Casino. Now that just is not a coincidence.
I went to a meeting last night at six. Interesting enough, a coworker had been calling me and calling me when I was out "sick" (read drunk) last week. At first I just lied to her and fed her the line about being sick. Yesterday I just felt I had to come clean. So I told her that I had been less then truthful with her and I felt really bad about it. I shared with her that I was an alcoholic and what really was going on with me. There was silence on the other end of the phone. Then she told me that she was a drug addict that had relapsed a couple of months ago. She said she had wanted to tell me, but was afraid. She was staying clean, but afraid to return to any meetings. I invited her to go with me last night and she did. It wasn't the most inspirational meeting, it wasn't the worst meeting, but you know what it was exactly what we both needed. We have been trying to be friends for several months, but both had kept up a wall between us. Last night went a long, long way in taking that wall down. We work the same shift and will be able to support each other at work. Work can be a difficult place because we work in a Casino. Now that just is not a coincidence.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
mtnmagic meetings are so crucial, I felt so alone and lost when I was drinking and trying to stop, I was convinced that I was the only person in the world dealing with what I was dealing with.
It was not until I got into AA that I found out amazingly enough (to me) that there were people who drank longer then I had, more then I had, and more often who were now sharing with me their strength, hope, and experience in getting sober, staying sober, and becoming a better person.
Here I sat in a room full of sober recovering alcoholics, all of them loved me and cared about me, all I had to do was ask and they showed me the way.
mtnmagic PM me if you get a chance, I would like to chat with you tomorrow, I am getting ready to leave work in just a few.
Please remember you/we are not alone! There is a solution.
It was not until I got into AA that I found out amazingly enough (to me) that there were people who drank longer then I had, more then I had, and more often who were now sharing with me their strength, hope, and experience in getting sober, staying sober, and becoming a better person.
Here I sat in a room full of sober recovering alcoholics, all of them loved me and cared about me, all I had to do was ask and they showed me the way.
mtnmagic PM me if you get a chance, I would like to chat with you tomorrow, I am getting ready to leave work in just a few.
Please remember you/we are not alone! There is a solution.
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Thanks for the message Taz - I'll PM you soon.
I'm tired tonight. Last night after work I was feeling kind of down. I ended up going to a friend's house to spend the night. Kind of like when I was a kid. I just didn't feel like being alone. It was ok to ask for the support. Usually I wouldn't want to impose, or bother....translated...I want to go home and drink alone. Since that wasn't an option, having some company was very nice and extremely different.
Tonight after work I came home and sat down to read this forum. My it's amazing at all the catching up I had to do just missing about a day and a half.
I have the Christmas Tree lights plugged in and I am enjoying the twinkling. For the moment I am at peace. It is a long forgotten feeling. My mind isn't wandering to all of the problems, real or imagined, that I easily allow to torment me. I'm actually enjoying my own company for a change.
I'm tired tonight. Last night after work I was feeling kind of down. I ended up going to a friend's house to spend the night. Kind of like when I was a kid. I just didn't feel like being alone. It was ok to ask for the support. Usually I wouldn't want to impose, or bother....translated...I want to go home and drink alone. Since that wasn't an option, having some company was very nice and extremely different.
Tonight after work I came home and sat down to read this forum. My it's amazing at all the catching up I had to do just missing about a day and a half.
I have the Christmas Tree lights plugged in and I am enjoying the twinkling. For the moment I am at peace. It is a long forgotten feeling. My mind isn't wandering to all of the problems, real or imagined, that I easily allow to torment me. I'm actually enjoying my own company for a change.
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Another day sober, another night at work done, and I actually enjoyed myself today. I laughed at nothing, I didn't worry every time I had a spare moment. My thinking is becoming clearer. I don't have that barbwire feeling in the pit of my stomach. I actually felt hungry today for the first time, rather then forcing myself to eat, because I know I should. Oh, I know I still have all kinds of problems out there to face and deal with. I just realize worrying myself continuously is not taking action, consumes a bunch of energy and is self defeating.
My department at work is having a Christmas Potluck tomorrow evening. Since I hid my drinking at home and alone, attending without drinking is not going to be a problem. I will go to a meeting before, sort of like insurance and reinforcement, so AFTER the party I can keep my commitment to stay sober.
I sort of feel in a very "baby step" like way that I'm beginning to approach life on life's terms. Feels pretty good today.
My department at work is having a Christmas Potluck tomorrow evening. Since I hid my drinking at home and alone, attending without drinking is not going to be a problem. I will go to a meeting before, sort of like insurance and reinforcement, so AFTER the party I can keep my commitment to stay sober.
I sort of feel in a very "baby step" like way that I'm beginning to approach life on life's terms. Feels pretty good today.
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Hope3 - I remember that you were one of the people that first welcomed me when I "landed" here so sick, dazed and confused. I appreciated it so very much. I would love to have you join my journey. Let's Go!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: derbyshire uk
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hey marie
hey marie can read by ur posts u doin well there which is wicked lol isnt it good when ur clearer in mind and feel better in body lol i feel like a new man at the moment and its great. ive even set myself a goal (and a treat) lol ive just been on ebay looking at ur old classic cars i reallllllllllllllllly love the 62 chevy impala ( any thoughts) i think 1 of them babys will be on its way to me very soon lol me and my bro gonna fully restore it over the next couple of yrs ready 4 me getting my dr bk lol take care baset wishes
love mick xx
love mick xx
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Hey Mick -
Thanks for the kind thoughts.
I'm out and about tonight again. Went to my Christmas party at work last night. I actually had fun. No temptation to drink, not even after which would be my usual time, once I got home after a social situation and would be alone with nobody to watch me drink myself stupid.
I went to my bf's house, brought him a bunch of goodies from the party and slept for the first time all night and most of this morning. Felt rested for the first time in ages.
Ah, but it was short lived. I'm grateful for that one night. I know it hinted of future times with a better sleep pattern. The insomnia returned tonight. I try to go with it, not fight it and not get too discouraged. I know it will take a lot of time for the horrible effect alcohol has on my body to heal.
Christmas and all it's glory along with the gory ghosts of Christmas Past are hurling towards me. I find myself curiously numb this year. I'm not dreading the holiday, but I feel no real appreciation or sense of celebration either. Financially I am in the same boat as others here on this board. Can't really buy my son's what I would like to, yet know that my continued sobriety is the most valuable gift I could possibly give them.
I went to another meeting this evening. I'm not real comfortable reaching out, but I force myself to stay after the meeting. Comfort and belonging will come in time, I know. Fake it till I make it. Faking it has never been a problem for me. Making it, that's another story.
So off I go, maybe I can catch a little bit more sleep before the sun rises.
I need to thank all of you again. Everyday I find time to read what you share on this board. It helps me so very much. I am so grateful to have found you all.
Thanks for the kind thoughts.
I'm out and about tonight again. Went to my Christmas party at work last night. I actually had fun. No temptation to drink, not even after which would be my usual time, once I got home after a social situation and would be alone with nobody to watch me drink myself stupid.
I went to my bf's house, brought him a bunch of goodies from the party and slept for the first time all night and most of this morning. Felt rested for the first time in ages.
Ah, but it was short lived. I'm grateful for that one night. I know it hinted of future times with a better sleep pattern. The insomnia returned tonight. I try to go with it, not fight it and not get too discouraged. I know it will take a lot of time for the horrible effect alcohol has on my body to heal.
Christmas and all it's glory along with the gory ghosts of Christmas Past are hurling towards me. I find myself curiously numb this year. I'm not dreading the holiday, but I feel no real appreciation or sense of celebration either. Financially I am in the same boat as others here on this board. Can't really buy my son's what I would like to, yet know that my continued sobriety is the most valuable gift I could possibly give them.
I went to another meeting this evening. I'm not real comfortable reaching out, but I force myself to stay after the meeting. Comfort and belonging will come in time, I know. Fake it till I make it. Faking it has never been a problem for me. Making it, that's another story.
So off I go, maybe I can catch a little bit more sleep before the sun rises.
I need to thank all of you again. Everyday I find time to read what you share on this board. It helps me so very much. I am so grateful to have found you all.
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Hey Hope3! We must have been posting at the same time. Glad you're staying busy and sober. Doing ok myself. Day number 14 today. Two whole weeks. Three weeks ago, I never thought it would be possible.
You have a great day. Let me know how things are going with you and your loved one. Hope life is treating you well and your Christmas is, well magical!
You have a great day. Let me know how things are going with you and your loved one. Hope life is treating you well and your Christmas is, well magical!
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