Trying to Recover
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Trying to Recover
I thought I would throw this out to those who have personal experience with recovery.
My wife and I have been together 26 years, married for 19. We have three kids 14, 12, and 5. She had been drinking and using prescription drugs for over 7 years. After rehab, she is now been "sober" for over 100 days. She is very much in the program, regularly attends AA, has a sponsor and developed many AA supporters who she talks to often, and seems to be very determined to get through this and work on her recovery.
She is still mentally and emotionally all over the place. I am understanding that this is normal but it's tough to accept. Now that she is home, she physically looks great, like the woman I fell in love with and married years ago. Emotionally however, she is just not there. I'm trying very hard to learn to accept this but it's tough because I missed her for so long. Now that she looks like she is back, I want to reconnect with her again.
What's complicated my situation is that when she was in rehab, she got close to two people. After getting out of rehab, she talked to them several times a day. She actually went to visit one of them several times and the emotional affair did become physical. I am devastated. She tells me (and her therapist agrees) that this is common for people who are in rehab. Closeness and affairs like this are not uncommon. Is this true? I can understand infidelity with active alcoholics who use poor judgement from being impaired, but I have not heard of many instances where this happens fresh out of rehab.
She says that she loves me and wants to work on our relationship but she is just not ready. Her therapist says it's too soon to work on the marriage and go to marriage counseling.
It's hard for me to accept since I feel like our marriage has a gaping wound. I'm trying to administer first aid but I only have a bandaid and the patient is bleeding to death.
Does anyone have any experience with this or advice? I do go to Al-anon and see my own therapist. I'm trying very hard to work on my program but the hurt is disabling. I feel that my HP is broken.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
My wife and I have been together 26 years, married for 19. We have three kids 14, 12, and 5. She had been drinking and using prescription drugs for over 7 years. After rehab, she is now been "sober" for over 100 days. She is very much in the program, regularly attends AA, has a sponsor and developed many AA supporters who she talks to often, and seems to be very determined to get through this and work on her recovery.
She is still mentally and emotionally all over the place. I am understanding that this is normal but it's tough to accept. Now that she is home, she physically looks great, like the woman I fell in love with and married years ago. Emotionally however, she is just not there. I'm trying very hard to learn to accept this but it's tough because I missed her for so long. Now that she looks like she is back, I want to reconnect with her again.
What's complicated my situation is that when she was in rehab, she got close to two people. After getting out of rehab, she talked to them several times a day. She actually went to visit one of them several times and the emotional affair did become physical. I am devastated. She tells me (and her therapist agrees) that this is common for people who are in rehab. Closeness and affairs like this are not uncommon. Is this true? I can understand infidelity with active alcoholics who use poor judgement from being impaired, but I have not heard of many instances where this happens fresh out of rehab.
She says that she loves me and wants to work on our relationship but she is just not ready. Her therapist says it's too soon to work on the marriage and go to marriage counseling.
It's hard for me to accept since I feel like our marriage has a gaping wound. I'm trying to administer first aid but I only have a bandaid and the patient is bleeding to death.
Does anyone have any experience with this or advice? I do go to Al-anon and see my own therapist. I'm trying very hard to work on my program but the hurt is disabling. I feel that my HP is broken.
Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
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I have heard of this from time to time. Is that a reason to accept that as an almost "excuse" justified by her therapist's reassurances that it is common... that's your call.
I can't imagine how devastated you must be. I am so sorry for your pain. Please continue to share with us all.
You may also want to go to the forum friends and family of alcoholics and ACOA too.
Peace, Levi
I can't imagine how devastated you must be. I am so sorry for your pain. Please continue to share with us all.
You may also want to go to the forum friends and family of alcoholics and ACOA too.
Peace, Levi
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Leviathon:
Her therapist does not approve of what has happened but again walks the line of trying to be non-judgmental. Her therapist suggested to me that I need to give her space and if I did that the attatchment would probably die sooner. I responded by saying, my wife is an adict. She couldn't stop drinking and using by herself, what makes you think that she can stop this by herself? I told her that she had a lot of gaul suggesting that I am somehow at fault for the duration. What crap.
Tracee:
I have not been included in her treatment and recovery. Her secrets are still secret. I have been trying to empathize and be supportive. I've told her that while I'm hurt and devastated, I still want to stay married and want to work on us. I don't expect miracles and know this will take time. I just want little baby steps. She's still not willing to go there. Her therapist suggested waiting another three months before we start to work on the marriage.
What sucks is that I feel like I'm forced to proceed strictly on her terms. The classic selfishness of an adict. In the meantime, my life is on hold.
I know that I need to detatch and work my recovery, but seeing her, and not having her want to face me and my pain is the most difficult experience of my life.
I know she has to work her steps and I suppose eventually she will get to #8 but I don't think I can wait that long.
Her therapist does not approve of what has happened but again walks the line of trying to be non-judgmental. Her therapist suggested to me that I need to give her space and if I did that the attatchment would probably die sooner. I responded by saying, my wife is an adict. She couldn't stop drinking and using by herself, what makes you think that she can stop this by herself? I told her that she had a lot of gaul suggesting that I am somehow at fault for the duration. What crap.
Tracee:
I have not been included in her treatment and recovery. Her secrets are still secret. I have been trying to empathize and be supportive. I've told her that while I'm hurt and devastated, I still want to stay married and want to work on us. I don't expect miracles and know this will take time. I just want little baby steps. She's still not willing to go there. Her therapist suggested waiting another three months before we start to work on the marriage.
What sucks is that I feel like I'm forced to proceed strictly on her terms. The classic selfishness of an adict. In the meantime, my life is on hold.
I know that I need to detatch and work my recovery, but seeing her, and not having her want to face me and my pain is the most difficult experience of my life.
I know she has to work her steps and I suppose eventually she will get to #8 but I don't think I can wait that long.
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Dear Steady14,
I can really hear the pain and emotions from your posts and truly understand how you must be feeling. Its great that you are seeking support for you in Alanon as well as with a therapist.
I dont believe that her therapist intends for your marriage to "be on your wife's terms" or that you should endorse her relationship by detaching...
But, from my own experience in recovery from Codependency, I do think you need to let go of any expectations of your wife just for today. Let this be your work for now. No pressure to return to the good ole days, no pressure to apply first aid to the marriage. Heal yourself first and allow her the room to heal herself.
This is very hard work, which is why you need to know that there are others to help you.
In Alanon, you learn in step 1 that you are powerless over people. You are powerless over your wife's choices. Isn't that actually a relief? She has her own Higher Power that is guiding her through her lifes lessons, and you have yours. Turn your marriage, turn your wife's relationship in rehab, and turn your life over to your and her Higher powers.
This can be a rewarding growth opportunity when it isnt sucking. I hope you keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
I can really hear the pain and emotions from your posts and truly understand how you must be feeling. Its great that you are seeking support for you in Alanon as well as with a therapist.
I dont believe that her therapist intends for your marriage to "be on your wife's terms" or that you should endorse her relationship by detaching...
But, from my own experience in recovery from Codependency, I do think you need to let go of any expectations of your wife just for today. Let this be your work for now. No pressure to return to the good ole days, no pressure to apply first aid to the marriage. Heal yourself first and allow her the room to heal herself.
This is very hard work, which is why you need to know that there are others to help you.
In Alanon, you learn in step 1 that you are powerless over people. You are powerless over your wife's choices. Isn't that actually a relief? She has her own Higher Power that is guiding her through her lifes lessons, and you have yours. Turn your marriage, turn your wife's relationship in rehab, and turn your life over to your and her Higher powers.
This can be a rewarding growth opportunity when it isnt sucking. I hope you keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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Hello Steady14
Steady: I have been sober for eighteen years. While it may be common for people in rehab or after rehab to have affairs it is in no way condoned behavior. They are told that the women stick with the women and the men stick with the men. It sounds like your saying that because you have been told that this is "common" you think that you have to accept it. It also sounds like you are being led to believe that as long as she is not drinking or drugging you should be happy and wait for her to get her s**t together.
Her therapist does not approve of what has happened but again walks the line of trying to be non-judgmental. Her therapist suggested to me that I need to give her space and if I did that the attatchment would probably die sooner. I responded by saying, my wife is an adict. She couldn't stop drinking and using by herself, what makes you think that she can stop this by herself? I told her that she had a lot of gaul suggesting that I am somehow at fault for the duration. What crap.
There is no blame there is only the facts and the facts are these:
Your wife may have been to rehab and is going to A.A. but the lights are on and there is still nobody home. Your wife is dry not sober and she is playing the system especially "you". Your waiting for her to get to Step Eight and she has not even gotten to 'Step One". She may have admitted that she is powerless over alcohol and drugs but she in no way has admitted that "her" life is "unmanageable" meaning she is a mess and needs to change. Anybody can stop drinking or using but the trick is to stay stopped. It won't be long before she is using again. Her behavior is a blinking red light for you and "her".
You say that you love her but I have to tell you; if you truly love her put her in God's hands and boot her to the curb(meaning give her more space than she thinks she needs and trust God). This is the kindest thing you can do for her, your family and yourself. Stop thinking that what you are doing is loving her! If she wants you and your family she will do the right thing; such as being more than a chair warmer at A.A..
You need to stop trying to control something you have no control over through making yourself a doormat for her "sickness". Turn your wishbone into a backbone because while your wishing for her to get better she is flushing your lives down the toilet!
God grant me the serenity-peace of mind
To accept the things I can not change- in your case, your wife
The courage to change the things I can- meaning yourself
And the wisdom to know the difference- meaning practice the principles of the Al-anon Program you say you attend as they are your wisdom that God has granted you!
Sorry if this sounds harsh but desperate situations call for harsh measures not half measures.
You are blessed don't waste it.
quote:What's complicated my situation is that when she was in rehab, she got close to two people. After getting out of rehab, she talked to them several times a day. She actually went to visit one of them several times and the emotional affair did become physical. I am devastated. She tells me (and her therapist agrees) that this is common for people who are in rehab. Closeness and affairs like this are not uncommon. Is this true? I can understand infidelity with active alcoholics who use poor judgment from being impaired, but I have not heard of many instances where this happens fresh out of rehab.
Her therapist does not approve of what has happened but again walks the line of trying to be non-judgmental. Her therapist suggested to me that I need to give her space and if I did that the attatchment would probably die sooner. I responded by saying, my wife is an adict. She couldn't stop drinking and using by herself, what makes you think that she can stop this by herself? I told her that she had a lot of gaul suggesting that I am somehow at fault for the duration. What crap.
There is no blame there is only the facts and the facts are these:
Your wife may have been to rehab and is going to A.A. but the lights are on and there is still nobody home. Your wife is dry not sober and she is playing the system especially "you". Your waiting for her to get to Step Eight and she has not even gotten to 'Step One". She may have admitted that she is powerless over alcohol and drugs but she in no way has admitted that "her" life is "unmanageable" meaning she is a mess and needs to change. Anybody can stop drinking or using but the trick is to stay stopped. It won't be long before she is using again. Her behavior is a blinking red light for you and "her".
You say that you love her but I have to tell you; if you truly love her put her in God's hands and boot her to the curb(meaning give her more space than she thinks she needs and trust God). This is the kindest thing you can do for her, your family and yourself. Stop thinking that what you are doing is loving her! If she wants you and your family she will do the right thing; such as being more than a chair warmer at A.A..
You need to stop trying to control something you have no control over through making yourself a doormat for her "sickness". Turn your wishbone into a backbone because while your wishing for her to get better she is flushing your lives down the toilet!
God grant me the serenity-peace of mind
To accept the things I can not change- in your case, your wife
The courage to change the things I can- meaning yourself
And the wisdom to know the difference- meaning practice the principles of the Al-anon Program you say you attend as they are your wisdom that God has granted you!
Sorry if this sounds harsh but desperate situations call for harsh measures not half measures.
You are blessed don't waste it.
Last edited by izz4us; 12-06-2006 at 12:56 AM.
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steady14 what izz4us has shared is IMO excellent advice, I can tell you for a fact that tough love will get your spouse into true sobriety.
My wife gave me a choice of being a drunk or the curb to use the same term izz4us used.
I agree with izz4us, your wife sadly has not even completed step one, if I was in your shoes I would do as my wife did to me, offer her the choice of really becoming sober by not having an affair and not drinking or the curb!
If she balks at this, tell her you mean business and tell her to talk to her sponsor about this. Of course if she is following the program her sponsor will already know about the affair she is having! I would be willing to bet you that her sponsor has no idea.
I would highly reccomend going to alanon,but to also be willing to show her the curb to give her all the space she needs to become sober, because right now she is drunk as a skunk without a single drop of alcohol in her.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
My wife gave me a choice of being a drunk or the curb to use the same term izz4us used.
I agree with izz4us, your wife sadly has not even completed step one, if I was in your shoes I would do as my wife did to me, offer her the choice of really becoming sober by not having an affair and not drinking or the curb!
If she balks at this, tell her you mean business and tell her to talk to her sponsor about this. Of course if she is following the program her sponsor will already know about the affair she is having! I would be willing to bet you that her sponsor has no idea.
I would highly reccomend going to alanon,but to also be willing to show her the curb to give her all the space she needs to become sober, because right now she is drunk as a skunk without a single drop of alcohol in her.
My heart and prayers go out to you.
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steady14
fisrt and 4most u have my heartfellt sorrow my friend. ive read ur post and fell very sad 4 u. ive also have read every1 elses replys and i do belive in some ways they r rite ....... but in my own personal experience my wife backed out on me 5yrs ago becouse of my drinking and it did me no good what so ever if id have had the love of her then maybe i wud have stoped earlier and all its done is make me very bitter 2 prob the only woman i have ever loved (apart frm my mum gran and kids) but on the flip side she leads a far better life of her own as a person u need 2 do what ur heart tells u not any1 else if u love her unconditionally then stick by her if u dont then its time 4 u to think about ur own life as a person
best wishes mick
best wishes mick
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I do appreciate the advice and support. My wife's AA sponsor is aware of the relationships, but thinks they are only phone relationships. I'm rather certain she has no idea of the physical nature. My wife will be seeing her sponsor tomorrow to get help working on step 1.
I realize do need to back off. I really don't think however that I'm pushing very hard right now either. Just looking for a small pieces of time that we can spend together each day, like 15-30 minutes to just be ourselves and not talk about stressful things like the affairs and our marriage. I don't think this is asking for much.
I want to give her the space to work her program like I'm trying to work mine. Given that I'm the only bread winner, we live in the same house, we have major bills from her DUI, rehab, and therapy, plus we are raising three kids, I don't think that talking about everyday life a few minutes a day is pushing too hard. These issues are stressful too but a necessary part of life and she needs to face them with me or she will never recover.
I also want to just make sure she knows that I'm there for her when she is ready. The decision that I need to make for me is how long can I wait until I need to move on with my life? I suppose the HP will help me decide once I get it working.
I realize do need to back off. I really don't think however that I'm pushing very hard right now either. Just looking for a small pieces of time that we can spend together each day, like 15-30 minutes to just be ourselves and not talk about stressful things like the affairs and our marriage. I don't think this is asking for much.
I want to give her the space to work her program like I'm trying to work mine. Given that I'm the only bread winner, we live in the same house, we have major bills from her DUI, rehab, and therapy, plus we are raising three kids, I don't think that talking about everyday life a few minutes a day is pushing too hard. These issues are stressful too but a necessary part of life and she needs to face them with me or she will never recover.
I also want to just make sure she knows that I'm there for her when she is ready. The decision that I need to make for me is how long can I wait until I need to move on with my life? I suppose the HP will help me decide once I get it working.
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steady I will pray for all of you and your family.
I know that in working the steps and staying sober that if I was not totally honest in all I do that I will pick up again, heck when I was drinking I wasn't even honest to myself, I have learned that drinking alcohol is but a symptom of being an alcoholic, the disease of alcoholism is a nasty animal that rears it's ugly head in many ways and I know I am not sober if I am being dishonest about anything, I am just as drunk being a liar as I am drinking. Self centeredness and selfishness are also part of alcoholism and being drunk with out drinking.
I know that in working the steps and staying sober that if I was not totally honest in all I do that I will pick up again, heck when I was drinking I wasn't even honest to myself, I have learned that drinking alcohol is but a symptom of being an alcoholic, the disease of alcoholism is a nasty animal that rears it's ugly head in many ways and I know I am not sober if I am being dishonest about anything, I am just as drunk being a liar as I am drinking. Self centeredness and selfishness are also part of alcoholism and being drunk with out drinking.
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Originally Posted by mthhilly 
fisrt and 4most u have my heartfellt sorrow my friend. ive read ur post and fell very sad 4 u. ive also have read every1 elses replys and i do belive in some ways they r rite ....... but in my own personal experience my wife backed out on me 5yrs ago becouse of my drinking and it did me no good what so ever if id have had the love of her then maybe i wud have stoped earlier and all its done is make me very bitter 2 prob the only woman i have ever loved (apart frm my mum gran and kids) but on the flip side she leads a far better life of her own as a person u need 2 do what ur heart tells u not any1 else if u love her unconditionally then stick by her if u dont then its time 4 u to think about ur own life as a person
best wishes mick
best wishes mick
You need to learn the difference between unconditional love and unconditional relationship. There is no such thing as "Unconditional Relationship".
You say this woman was your wife and her leaving you didn't do you any good. Obviously her staying with you didn't do any good either she was your wife! You should also see from what you are saying that your wife being with you or not with you is not the problem.
It is your refusal to recogonize "your" absolute inability to form a true partnership with another humanbeing as it say's in Step Four. Are you just another chair warmer in A.A.? Perhaps you need to buy a Twelve &Twelve, take it home read it, apply it and grow up! Bitter about what? That your wife could not take your selfish, selfcentered attitude and behavior anymore? "Poor me, poor me pour me another drink."
The first thing Step 4 tells you is to drop the word "BLAME" from your vocabulary and thinking and to take your inventory not someone elses. Learn and practice the steps, learn what love is and what it is "not" because what you are saying here resembles "Love" in no way shape or form.
Life is a game and every game has rules. If you don't play by the rules you loose the game. The Twelve Steps and The Twelve Traditions are the rules of this game, if you want to start winning you had better find out what the rules are.
Twelve&Twelve........mental health, peace of mind, strength, hope and a future unlike the past...........................................
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[QUOTE]I also want to just make sure she knows that I'm there for her when she is ready. The decision that I need to make for me is how long can I wait until I need to move on with my life? I suppose the HP will help me decide once I get it working.
Steady14
What you are calling making sure you are there for her when she is ready is in fact keeping her from taking up her responsibilities. You "can not" be there for a drunk. They twist it around and will use it to blame you that they never got better. Then she will just be "bitter" not "ready".
She perceives you as the wet blanket who is controlling her. This is why she is turning to other men.
Your fear is running your life and keeping God from saving your family, yourself and her. She needs divine intervention and you are getting in the way. And yes asking her to to talk about everyday life is pushing to hard. Get God to help you with your everyday life and let him handle hers. Meaning stop depending on the undependable to do what needs to be done or your going to live to regret it.
Since you have been and are the only bread winner in the house and have to deal with everything; a little longer isn't going to matter. Let go, realize God can and will do for her and you if he is sought and you get out of the way. Trust, Trust, Trust and stop trying to manipulate her. Talking about life and death here stop taking it for granted and get that ego under control.
Forgiveness changes the way you feel not the way she feels. Forgiveness will allow you the peace of mind to be able to let go.
Say this as many times a day as you need, in all times of disturbance.
"I forgive you (name) and I release you to the Holy Spirit."
It will work like a healing balm upon your thoughts and feelings.
Forgiveness and acceptance are the keys to health, love, life and happiness. Feeling better is living better!
Steady14
What you are calling making sure you are there for her when she is ready is in fact keeping her from taking up her responsibilities. You "can not" be there for a drunk. They twist it around and will use it to blame you that they never got better. Then she will just be "bitter" not "ready".
She perceives you as the wet blanket who is controlling her. This is why she is turning to other men.
Your fear is running your life and keeping God from saving your family, yourself and her. She needs divine intervention and you are getting in the way. And yes asking her to to talk about everyday life is pushing to hard. Get God to help you with your everyday life and let him handle hers. Meaning stop depending on the undependable to do what needs to be done or your going to live to regret it.
Since you have been and are the only bread winner in the house and have to deal with everything; a little longer isn't going to matter. Let go, realize God can and will do for her and you if he is sought and you get out of the way. Trust, Trust, Trust and stop trying to manipulate her. Talking about life and death here stop taking it for granted and get that ego under control.
Forgiveness changes the way you feel not the way she feels. Forgiveness will allow you the peace of mind to be able to let go.
Say this as many times a day as you need, in all times of disturbance.
"I forgive you (name) and I release you to the Holy Spirit."
It will work like a healing balm upon your thoughts and feelings.
Forgiveness and acceptance are the keys to health, love, life and happiness. Feeling better is living better!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Posts: 45
IZZ
I appreciate the advice. I'm aware that we need to work our own separate recoveries.
My concern about not including her in everyday life issues and just taking care of everything myself is what is known as enabling. This was what I did when she was drinking and drugging. Now that she is dry and in early recovery, I feel that to continue protecting her from things that might be somewhat stressful at times is not doing her any favors.
Am I wrong?
I appreciate the advice. I'm aware that we need to work our own separate recoveries.
My concern about not including her in everyday life issues and just taking care of everything myself is what is known as enabling. This was what I did when she was drinking and drugging. Now that she is dry and in early recovery, I feel that to continue protecting her from things that might be somewhat stressful at times is not doing her any favors.
Am I wrong?
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Am I wrong?
I was no more able to take care of daily things, we had a "house mother" who gave us lists each morning on what we needed to do that day. I was working doing temp work for Manpower, but as far as being responsible, not bloody likely. As the fog cleared we again learned how to make our own lists. No that was not enabling. As the house mother had also at one time been a newcomer she remembered the fog. It was a way to start training us again to take part in society.
I have tried to explain above, in an earlier post "the fog". You really cannot comprehend how bad it can be. The brain is like "mush" or a "seive" where everything just runs right through it. Some days it was an effort to just pick up one foot and put it in front of the other, it would feel like I was walking through thick sucking muck.
Her actions will show you when she is comprehending more and feels a wee bit more sure of herself to start being involved in the day to day problems.
So, please try to curb your impatience. It can take up to a year for the alcohol to be processed out of the tissues of the body. I would bet that if they did a spinal tap on your wife right now there would still be alcohol in the spinal fluid, and I would win that bet. Consequently there is still alcohol in the tissues of her brain.
Hope that helps,
Love and hugs,
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I would bet that if they did a spinal tap on your wife right now there would still be alcohol in the spinal fluid, and I would win that bet. Consequently there is still alcohol in the tissues of her brain.
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I would have to hunt for it, but I had a friend who was very definitely sober, was the assistant house mother of a recovery house, was very definitely sober, and was in a car accident, she was a passenger. There were still traces of alcohol in her spinal fluid at l4 months sober. There was no alcohol in her blood work. The Dr at UCLA Med at the time said this is not uncommon in recovering alcoholics, I was there when he said it.
It takes quite a while for the body to TOTALLY DETOXIFY alcohol from every cell.
When I get a chance, I'll check some of the medical libraries I use on line and see if I can find you an actual reference.
Love and hugs,
It takes quite a while for the body to TOTALLY DETOXIFY alcohol from every cell.
When I get a chance, I'll check some of the medical libraries I use on line and see if I can find you an actual reference.
Love and hugs,
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Quote:My concern about not including her in everyday life issues and just taking care of everything myself is what is known as enabling. This was what I did when she was drinking and drugging. Now that she is dry and in early recovery, I feel that to continue protecting her from things that might be somewhat stressful at times is not doing her any favors.
Am I wrong?Steady14
Perhaps you should read "The Chapter To The Wives" in the Big Book. It is not a matter of being wrong or right. You need to gather the facts and follow the direction of those who have gone before us for they are the voice of experience. That chapter was written by Bill W.'s wife. She started Al-anon.
It sounds to me like you are feeling like you are the problem. After all you tried to do when she was drinking and it did not work; now you think you need to try the opposite. But what you "need" to do is get out of the way. There is no way you are responsible and there is no way you can make her responsible.
This is a job that only a higher power can do because the problem is "spiritual." Some are saying here it is because she still has alcohol in her system but this is misinformed because that has nothing to do with her behavior.
When we are disconnected spiritually we are self-centered and selfish to the core. The purpose of all Twelve Step Programs is to teach us how to reconnect to our "Spirit". You are so busy trying to reconnect her that you are not connecting to your own. You say you attend Al-anon and you go to a Therapist. May I ask Why?
If it is not for yourself and your doing it to find out how to fix her you are on the WRONG TRACK. Have you got a sponsor in Al-anon. Steady I know how difficult it is to understand all this and the confusion you feel but please for your own sake get into your Al-anon literature learn what you need to do and do it.
My ex and I were both drinkers. I got sober and he was still drinking we stayed together for three years until I finally got it through my head that he was happy with that life style and the kindest thing I could do was to let go.
Changing and wanting a better life is a personal decision. We can not force others to want it and we can not demand it from "God" that they want it.
We went through hell. He even went to AA and when the meeting was over he did not walk he ran out of that room. It has nothing to do with our love for them or their love for us. That was fifteen years ago. I still love him but sometimes love just is not enough in the sence that we had the feelings and knew we loved each other but love that is not "shown" is dead. An addict has cut themselves off from ""God" and so it renders them incapable of "being" loving. You also have cut yourself off from God through living with the addict. Don't get me wrong here no one does this on purpose.
Love is not just a feeling. Anyone can say "I love you" but the proof of love or the evidence of love is in our "actions". Most of us have the cart in front of the horse. Through being (action) loving toward each other we have good happy,relationships. Not the other way around. Since both of you right now are spiritually dead and are finding it very difficult to "be loving" toward each other the best you can do is be still and pray and mind your own thoughts and behavior.
Ask "God" to help you see this situation differently, meaning through his eyes. Then follow the direction that is revealed to you. Ask for help in the morning and give thanks at night for you see your wife is not the only one that needs help.
Many a person whether they have drank or drugged or not; have this "spiritual problem". We all fail in some way to recognize our absolute inability to form a true partnership with another human being. This is why without God we are nothing, can't keep anything and destroy our own lives.
Getting into recovery of any kind is a decision to choose to live differently. We do it because somewhere deep down in side we know there has to be another way. We weren't put here to suffer, be punished and made sick. Religion gave "God" a bad reputation. Twelve Step Programs are his way of letting us know that we are children of the lie.
He loves you and he loves her and he wants you to have better lives but he will in no way force his "way" into your lives. You have free will and both of you are self-will run riot. You are babies in this game and he knows it he only ask that you try to let him in.
Practice of the Second Step, Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves will restore us to "sanity" is where you will get glimpses of God working in your lives. It says "Came to Believe" meaning it is a process. When we get to Step Twelve we don't just "believe" in him anymore we actually know him. This means we will have peace beyond our understanding, we will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us. But not without doing the work we are asked to do in the other eleven steps.
If you find the Al-anon Twelve and Twelve wanting then use the AA Twelve and Twelve. Heck read both. The best help you can give your wife is to help yourself. Maybe she does not want a better life that is to be seen, in the mean time take care of yourself do what you need to do to make "your' life better. Get your dependence off of her and on to God for your wellbeing and happiness. All you need to do is to take one percent responsibility for your unhappiness. Just because she is jumping off the cliff does not mean you have to jump with her.
You are blessed follow direction..............................
One Day At A Time!
Am I wrong?Steady14
Perhaps you should read "The Chapter To The Wives" in the Big Book. It is not a matter of being wrong or right. You need to gather the facts and follow the direction of those who have gone before us for they are the voice of experience. That chapter was written by Bill W.'s wife. She started Al-anon.
It sounds to me like you are feeling like you are the problem. After all you tried to do when she was drinking and it did not work; now you think you need to try the opposite. But what you "need" to do is get out of the way. There is no way you are responsible and there is no way you can make her responsible.
This is a job that only a higher power can do because the problem is "spiritual." Some are saying here it is because she still has alcohol in her system but this is misinformed because that has nothing to do with her behavior.
When we are disconnected spiritually we are self-centered and selfish to the core. The purpose of all Twelve Step Programs is to teach us how to reconnect to our "Spirit". You are so busy trying to reconnect her that you are not connecting to your own. You say you attend Al-anon and you go to a Therapist. May I ask Why?
If it is not for yourself and your doing it to find out how to fix her you are on the WRONG TRACK. Have you got a sponsor in Al-anon. Steady I know how difficult it is to understand all this and the confusion you feel but please for your own sake get into your Al-anon literature learn what you need to do and do it.
My ex and I were both drinkers. I got sober and he was still drinking we stayed together for three years until I finally got it through my head that he was happy with that life style and the kindest thing I could do was to let go.
Changing and wanting a better life is a personal decision. We can not force others to want it and we can not demand it from "God" that they want it.
We went through hell. He even went to AA and when the meeting was over he did not walk he ran out of that room. It has nothing to do with our love for them or their love for us. That was fifteen years ago. I still love him but sometimes love just is not enough in the sence that we had the feelings and knew we loved each other but love that is not "shown" is dead. An addict has cut themselves off from ""God" and so it renders them incapable of "being" loving. You also have cut yourself off from God through living with the addict. Don't get me wrong here no one does this on purpose.
Love is not just a feeling. Anyone can say "I love you" but the proof of love or the evidence of love is in our "actions". Most of us have the cart in front of the horse. Through being (action) loving toward each other we have good happy,relationships. Not the other way around. Since both of you right now are spiritually dead and are finding it very difficult to "be loving" toward each other the best you can do is be still and pray and mind your own thoughts and behavior.
Ask "God" to help you see this situation differently, meaning through his eyes. Then follow the direction that is revealed to you. Ask for help in the morning and give thanks at night for you see your wife is not the only one that needs help.
Many a person whether they have drank or drugged or not; have this "spiritual problem". We all fail in some way to recognize our absolute inability to form a true partnership with another human being. This is why without God we are nothing, can't keep anything and destroy our own lives.
Getting into recovery of any kind is a decision to choose to live differently. We do it because somewhere deep down in side we know there has to be another way. We weren't put here to suffer, be punished and made sick. Religion gave "God" a bad reputation. Twelve Step Programs are his way of letting us know that we are children of the lie.
He loves you and he loves her and he wants you to have better lives but he will in no way force his "way" into your lives. You have free will and both of you are self-will run riot. You are babies in this game and he knows it he only ask that you try to let him in.
Practice of the Second Step, Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves will restore us to "sanity" is where you will get glimpses of God working in your lives. It says "Came to Believe" meaning it is a process. When we get to Step Twelve we don't just "believe" in him anymore we actually know him. This means we will have peace beyond our understanding, we will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us. But not without doing the work we are asked to do in the other eleven steps.
If you find the Al-anon Twelve and Twelve wanting then use the AA Twelve and Twelve. Heck read both. The best help you can give your wife is to help yourself. Maybe she does not want a better life that is to be seen, in the mean time take care of yourself do what you need to do to make "your' life better. Get your dependence off of her and on to God for your wellbeing and happiness. All you need to do is to take one percent responsibility for your unhappiness. Just because she is jumping off the cliff does not mean you have to jump with her.
You are blessed follow direction..............................
One Day At A Time!
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