What to do???????
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
The title of your thread..."What to do???"
No one can tell you, but you gave yourself several options. One of the best one is to support your children and not drink. I've been both in your position and in your wife's. In a perfect world, she'd be one of those women like my mother's generation, taking over, keeping the kids intact while you got your own stuff together. There aren't many of those women (or men) left, though I will say that I've heard from more here, in the anon programs, than I know of in the "real world."
Sounds to me that both parents of your children are having some pretty serious issues right now, but the bottom line is that someone has to be there for them. They didn't knock on your door asking, "Will you be my daddy?" Getting the older ones (and even the younger one) therapy, trying to make their lives as normal as possible, is the best thing you can do for them, but you still have to take care of yoursel. Is your sponsor's phone number the only one you have? Can you call some other guys with some sobriety who might be able to come by, have a cup of coffee with you and talk if you can't go to a meeting? If you haven't already, I urge you -- when you get to your next meeting, start collecting phone numbers for just such an occassion!!
In a perfect world, regardless of the relationship with your wife, you'd both be working together to be sure the kids are okay, but alas, even when both parents are under one roof, that's seldom the case. When I'm faced with a responsibility, I ask this question (I'll bet you've heard it before): If not me, then who? If not now, then when? If I see that I'm the one who must do what needs to be done, there's only one thing left to do--put one foot in front of the other and get going.
I'll say a prayer for you and your family, Shawn. I hope the 3 yr old is feeling better soon, and the 13 yr old..well, it's tough enough to be 13, let alone 13 under these circumstances. They are very fortunate. I hear a lot of love and concern for them come through in your posts. You know that it's not all about you. They need you. And you're there. Be as there as you possibly can be, my friend.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
No one can tell you, but you gave yourself several options. One of the best one is to support your children and not drink. I've been both in your position and in your wife's. In a perfect world, she'd be one of those women like my mother's generation, taking over, keeping the kids intact while you got your own stuff together. There aren't many of those women (or men) left, though I will say that I've heard from more here, in the anon programs, than I know of in the "real world."
Sounds to me that both parents of your children are having some pretty serious issues right now, but the bottom line is that someone has to be there for them. They didn't knock on your door asking, "Will you be my daddy?" Getting the older ones (and even the younger one) therapy, trying to make their lives as normal as possible, is the best thing you can do for them, but you still have to take care of yoursel. Is your sponsor's phone number the only one you have? Can you call some other guys with some sobriety who might be able to come by, have a cup of coffee with you and talk if you can't go to a meeting? If you haven't already, I urge you -- when you get to your next meeting, start collecting phone numbers for just such an occassion!!
In a perfect world, regardless of the relationship with your wife, you'd both be working together to be sure the kids are okay, but alas, even when both parents are under one roof, that's seldom the case. When I'm faced with a responsibility, I ask this question (I'll bet you've heard it before): If not me, then who? If not now, then when? If I see that I'm the one who must do what needs to be done, there's only one thing left to do--put one foot in front of the other and get going.
I'll say a prayer for you and your family, Shawn. I hope the 3 yr old is feeling better soon, and the 13 yr old..well, it's tough enough to be 13, let alone 13 under these circumstances. They are very fortunate. I hear a lot of love and concern for them come through in your posts. You know that it's not all about you. They need you. And you're there. Be as there as you possibly can be, my friend.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You know... I just have to throw this out there since you mentioned that you felt you could not go into church with your kids.....
God did not send his son for the holy. He sent him for the sinners, I dont know about you but I do know that Im not a saint, I have messed up more times then I care to count and gone running back asking for forgiveness....
Also you said that you keep praying for certain things. Im here to tell you that your not in control of that either. He has a big picture that we cant see... who is to say that being with your wife is the "best" thing for everyone? Who is to say that from this pain something amazing will not come out of it? All we can do is let him know what we want, thank him for what we have and have faith that he is doing what is right for everyone....
One of my favorite songs says something like.... I would rather fight you for something I dont really want then take what you give that I need.
Maybe you might want to stop beating yourself up so much and take a look at the good things. You had 30 days..... That is a blessing.... you now know what to do to get sober and you know a trigger that you have to work on. You have wonderful, beautiful children.... That is a blessing.... focus on them and you. You are not a screw up, you sliped.... so what, ok, get back to the program and back to life hon.....
God did not send his son for the holy. He sent him for the sinners, I dont know about you but I do know that Im not a saint, I have messed up more times then I care to count and gone running back asking for forgiveness....
Also you said that you keep praying for certain things. Im here to tell you that your not in control of that either. He has a big picture that we cant see... who is to say that being with your wife is the "best" thing for everyone? Who is to say that from this pain something amazing will not come out of it? All we can do is let him know what we want, thank him for what we have and have faith that he is doing what is right for everyone....
One of my favorite songs says something like.... I would rather fight you for something I dont really want then take what you give that I need.
Maybe you might want to stop beating yourself up so much and take a look at the good things. You had 30 days..... That is a blessing.... you now know what to do to get sober and you know a trigger that you have to work on. You have wonderful, beautiful children.... That is a blessing.... focus on them and you. You are not a screw up, you sliped.... so what, ok, get back to the program and back to life hon.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Edmond, Oklahoma
Posts: 39
I want to thank everybody for all you've said..
I went to my daughter's church program tonight, i went with my wife, wo came to see it too..After it was over, and the preacher started to talk, i got very uncomfortable, i wanted so bad to get out of there, because i felt so guilty...In the end, i ended up on my knees crying my eyes out, and asking for help. turning it all over to Him, because i cannot do it by myself. My wife appeared to be moved a little, but did not do anything, after the service ended, she went back to her new "temporary life." But i know now that i am not alone in this, this is not just my battle, i have the greatest warrior that ever lived with me, and i know now that i will get through it. with His help i will. I just hope everybody will continue to pray for my children and family, and for Misty, because i need all the support i can get
I went to my daughter's church program tonight, i went with my wife, wo came to see it too..After it was over, and the preacher started to talk, i got very uncomfortable, i wanted so bad to get out of there, because i felt so guilty...In the end, i ended up on my knees crying my eyes out, and asking for help. turning it all over to Him, because i cannot do it by myself. My wife appeared to be moved a little, but did not do anything, after the service ended, she went back to her new "temporary life." But i know now that i am not alone in this, this is not just my battle, i have the greatest warrior that ever lived with me, and i know now that i will get through it. with His help i will. I just hope everybody will continue to pray for my children and family, and for Misty, because i need all the support i can get
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Edmond, Oklahoma
Posts: 39
I want to thank everybody for their kind responses, they helped like you would not believe. Tonight I learned that life cannot be lived by yourself, you need help. I cannot beat alcoholism by myself, i cant fix my marriage by myself, and i cannot make my kids feel secure and safe by myself. i can try all day long, but it wont work. I may never beat alcoholism, but im going to try with the help of a loving Father. I cannot say what is going to happen with my marriage, or with my kids. I can only try and make myself a better person for my myself, my kids, and hopefully my wife. This has got to be the toughest thing i have ever done in my life, but im not doing it alone anymore.
That is super!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Edmond, Oklahoma
Posts: 39
Question...what to do when you are coming off of your wife trying to suicide, then last night she tells you she loves you, then says her saying that was an accident.. Im not sure exactly how much more of this I can take, it makes me want to drink, which in turn leads to depression. I call my sponser, but he is a very busy person, and doesn't have alot of time. It is hard to go to meeting all the time, because I have all 3 of my children right now, with no family close to babysit. I asked a friend to babysit the other night, but the youngest kids would have none of that. I almost think they are suffering from separation anxiety.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Shawn the first thing I would like to say is this thread brought tears to this old mans eyes when I read about you taking the kids to church and going in your self and turning it over to God.
Shawn if you are an alcoholic you are not a failure, you are an alcoholic, God will help you through this and anything else that may come of it.
I know exactly how you feel right now, I was there 16 years ago. I had been married for 17 years and had 3 children when my first wife came up to me out of the blue and told me the following in the exact order I am quoting her. "Martin I do not want to be a mother any more and I do not want to be married anymore." My world ended at that instant so I thought, I went on a three day bender!!!! I was absolutely destroyed. I went and saw a shrink who helped me to figure out that my main problem with all of it was I was scared of raising my kids by myself.
Once I figured out that was what was so upsetting to me, I realized that I was more then capable of raising them with out her. They hated her with a purple passion for a long time after that, I forced them not to talk badly of her and told them she was ill, which she was.
Now for the light at the end of the tunnel. About a year later my kids didn't hate their mother any more and I met the love of my life whom my children loved just like she was thier own mother, a year later I gained the love of my life as my wife and a beautiful 5 year old step daughter. We soon had identical twin girls who are now almost 15.
I almost lost all of them due to drinking, but through the aide of God and AA I have kept them.
Shawn there is a light at the end of what right now appears to be a bottomless pit.
I would reccomend calling someone else in AA since your sponsor does not have the time to help you in your time of need, there are a ton of folks in AA that will give you the shirt off thier back right now. I would suggest counseling as well for you and your kids.
I feel that your main focus right now should be on staying sober and watching out for your kids. Pray and not only ask God to help you through this, but do not hesitate to ask people for help, God works through people which is one of the reasons that AA works.
You and your kids will be in my prayers.
Shawn if you are an alcoholic you are not a failure, you are an alcoholic, God will help you through this and anything else that may come of it.
I know exactly how you feel right now, I was there 16 years ago. I had been married for 17 years and had 3 children when my first wife came up to me out of the blue and told me the following in the exact order I am quoting her. "Martin I do not want to be a mother any more and I do not want to be married anymore." My world ended at that instant so I thought, I went on a three day bender!!!! I was absolutely destroyed. I went and saw a shrink who helped me to figure out that my main problem with all of it was I was scared of raising my kids by myself.
Once I figured out that was what was so upsetting to me, I realized that I was more then capable of raising them with out her. They hated her with a purple passion for a long time after that, I forced them not to talk badly of her and told them she was ill, which she was.
Now for the light at the end of the tunnel. About a year later my kids didn't hate their mother any more and I met the love of my life whom my children loved just like she was thier own mother, a year later I gained the love of my life as my wife and a beautiful 5 year old step daughter. We soon had identical twin girls who are now almost 15.
I almost lost all of them due to drinking, but through the aide of God and AA I have kept them.
Shawn there is a light at the end of what right now appears to be a bottomless pit.
I would reccomend calling someone else in AA since your sponsor does not have the time to help you in your time of need, there are a ton of folks in AA that will give you the shirt off thier back right now. I would suggest counseling as well for you and your kids.
I feel that your main focus right now should be on staying sober and watching out for your kids. Pray and not only ask God to help you through this, but do not hesitate to ask people for help, God works through people which is one of the reasons that AA works.
You and your kids will be in my prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Edmond, Oklahoma
Posts: 39
I am going to see about getting the kids some counseling this week. The 2 youngest ones seem to be doing ok now, at least they now know that their mother is safe and ok. The 13 yr old is still apprehensive. I sat him down and tried to explain that it was not all her fault, it was also mine. He says he understands better now. And he acts a little better. I am going to seek out another AA sponsor. There is nothing really wrong with the one ive got, just the fact that he is very busy, and took on alot of people.
Misty said she was going to call here in a little bit. I would assume to talk about yesterday. I have no idea what she is going to say. But i know that there is more going on than I thought awhile ago. And I do still love her with all my heart. I have made up my mind to support her through everything she is going through, but at the same time, work on myself. I continue to pray everyday for God's help for myself, for Misty, for the kids, and for us as a family. I will not abandon her to deal with everything on her own, because she is going through every bit as much as i am, if not more. And with God's help, I pray we will all get through it
Misty said she was going to call here in a little bit. I would assume to talk about yesterday. I have no idea what she is going to say. But i know that there is more going on than I thought awhile ago. And I do still love her with all my heart. I have made up my mind to support her through everything she is going through, but at the same time, work on myself. I continue to pray everyday for God's help for myself, for Misty, for the kids, and for us as a family. I will not abandon her to deal with everything on her own, because she is going through every bit as much as i am, if not more. And with God's help, I pray we will all get through it
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Shawn please keep in mind in your prayers that you may want to include a request to be able to tell if you are being manipulated. Being an alcohlic I know all about manipulating folks, I always have had a nack for seeing a weakness in some ones armor and playing it to my benefit whether it hurt them or not.
Nothing I am proud of, but something I have found that most alcoholics like me have in common, taking advantage of any angle I can including love or possible love.
Nothing I am proud of, but something I have found that most alcoholics like me have in common, taking advantage of any angle I can including love or possible love.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
LOL I was goinmg to use another word in the above post for "weakness" and the bad boy filter changed it to ******! I thought what in the world did I say wrong until I realized that it was also a slur used to refer to asians!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 5
I have been reading different posts for the last few days and was afraid to enter anything until yours. My heart goes out to you. I am now going to try and quit drinking because I got drunk in front of my granddaughters [plus other things] and am so ashamed. They have forgiven me, but this has happened before and I can't let it happen again. Shawn, you have really helped me realize how important it is to stop. Thank you very much!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome aboard Kor, the initial path to sobriety is not an easy one, but once sobriety is achieved it is a true blessing. Keep on posting questions and reading the threads, there is a lot of good stuff here and good people as well.
Remember you are not alone.
Remember you are not alone.
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