I get so tired of trying sometimes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Santa Ana, CA
Posts: 7
I get so tired of trying sometimes
Hi all, I'm new to this site, but not new to trying to stay sober.
I've had my ups and downs with the sobriety thing over the years. I don't, can't go back there. I know that, but sometimes I just feel so tired. All the hurt, pain. I know, it's just life stuff, but to not be able to numb it without alcohol is so hard at times. Sometimes I really feel like just giving up. I keep trying to stay positive, stay sober and do the right thing, but it seems like I just keep ending up in the same place. Is this as good as it gets? Because after doing this for a few years now, not perfectly, but just doing it, I just sometimes question that. Ok, I know this is a pitty party on my part....sorry. I do know that my life today is so much better than it was when I was drinking. It just seems like I keep getting stuck in that same old rut....the heartbreak and loneliness, wanting to just numb everything, not think anymore. Am I the only one that feels this way?
I've had my ups and downs with the sobriety thing over the years. I don't, can't go back there. I know that, but sometimes I just feel so tired. All the hurt, pain. I know, it's just life stuff, but to not be able to numb it without alcohol is so hard at times. Sometimes I really feel like just giving up. I keep trying to stay positive, stay sober and do the right thing, but it seems like I just keep ending up in the same place. Is this as good as it gets? Because after doing this for a few years now, not perfectly, but just doing it, I just sometimes question that. Ok, I know this is a pitty party on my part....sorry. I do know that my life today is so much better than it was when I was drinking. It just seems like I keep getting stuck in that same old rut....the heartbreak and loneliness, wanting to just numb everything, not think anymore. Am I the only one that feels this way?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi JustHP,
Welcome!
It sounds like you've been sober for awhile now and you aren't seeing the changes in your life that you think you should. What have you done to change your life since you stopped drinking, how have you moved forward? You talk about the loneliness you feel and I wonder if you are able to fully love yourself. That is such a big part of recovery, learning to love yourself and filling the 'empty' part of ourselves, that most of us addicts have felt.
Hang in there and take a look around SR. There is lots of inspiration here.
Welcome!
It sounds like you've been sober for awhile now and you aren't seeing the changes in your life that you think you should. What have you done to change your life since you stopped drinking, how have you moved forward? You talk about the loneliness you feel and I wonder if you are able to fully love yourself. That is such a big part of recovery, learning to love yourself and filling the 'empty' part of ourselves, that most of us addicts have felt.
Hang in there and take a look around SR. There is lots of inspiration here.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It's great to see a new member! Welcome!
I do hope you find some answers here..
My first thought after reading your post
"Wonder if you have tried therapy"?
Blessings...
I do hope you find some answers here..
My first thought after reading your post
"Wonder if you have tried therapy"?
Blessings...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Santa Ana, CA
Posts: 7
Thanks all.
Anna, yes I can relate to what you said about loving myself. That is the key I think. Something that I am aware of, constantly working on over the years. It doesn't come easy for some though, but I keep trying.
And Carol, I can't tell you how many therapists I've seen over the years...all have done no good. I really think that no therapist will do any good, I have to figure this out myself. They can tell me this, that and the other, believe me, I have heard it a 100 times, but unless I'm willing to really do it, nothing else matters, right??
And Glass, yes I have tasted that serenity, it is wonderful when it's there. But for me, unfortunately it is not constant. I don't even know if that is possible at this point. I hope so, maybe someday, huh?
Anna, yes I can relate to what you said about loving myself. That is the key I think. Something that I am aware of, constantly working on over the years. It doesn't come easy for some though, but I keep trying.
And Carol, I can't tell you how many therapists I've seen over the years...all have done no good. I really think that no therapist will do any good, I have to figure this out myself. They can tell me this, that and the other, believe me, I have heard it a 100 times, but unless I'm willing to really do it, nothing else matters, right??
And Glass, yes I have tasted that serenity, it is wonderful when it's there. But for me, unfortunately it is not constant. I don't even know if that is possible at this point. I hope so, maybe someday, huh?
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
JustHP a stupid question, but are you active in AA? Are you active in any group or program?
From one alcoholic to another I can tell you the hardest form of sobriety is white knuckle sobriety, (also known as a dry drunk) just sitting around not doing much except being lonely and unhappy thinking about a drink knowing that is the worst thing you could possibly do.
Think about this for a moment..... when you are busy doing something are you thinking about a drink or unhappy? When you are helping someone out who needs some help are you unhappy or wanting a drink?
What have you been doing when you tasted serenity?
What I have found keeps me serene the majority of the time is to stay out of my head, stay busy, with me it is working, prayer, attending AA meetings, helping those in need and doing things with my family.
The best advice I ever got from an old timer was to put as many things in between myself and a drink as I could every day. If I stay busy all day, I never seem to find the time to have a drink, little lone think about one.... and the funny thing is I don't find the time to feel sorry for myself either.
From one alcoholic to another I can tell you the hardest form of sobriety is white knuckle sobriety, (also known as a dry drunk) just sitting around not doing much except being lonely and unhappy thinking about a drink knowing that is the worst thing you could possibly do.
Think about this for a moment..... when you are busy doing something are you thinking about a drink or unhappy? When you are helping someone out who needs some help are you unhappy or wanting a drink?
What have you been doing when you tasted serenity?
What I have found keeps me serene the majority of the time is to stay out of my head, stay busy, with me it is working, prayer, attending AA meetings, helping those in need and doing things with my family.
The best advice I ever got from an old timer was to put as many things in between myself and a drink as I could every day. If I stay busy all day, I never seem to find the time to have a drink, little lone think about one.... and the funny thing is I don't find the time to feel sorry for myself either.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 53
I second what others have said about keeping busy. I have Tuesdays off and that was (until recently) my Big Drinking Day. That was the one day of the week when I didn't have anything to do, my wife was at work all day, and nobody stopped by the house. I could drink as much as I wanted, ditch the cans, bottles or whatever before my wife got home, and all was well.
Boredom was a big part of my Tuesday drinking, but in the past couple weeks I've found that when I occupy my brain during the day, I don't crave the booze nearly as much.
To answer your question, yes alcohol was my first line of defense against the problems I have in my life. But, as it turns out, those problems aren't nearly as inconquerable as I thought they were when I was drunk. Turns out that alcohol was the biggest problem I had.
I still worry about what will happen when a life crisis pops up in my life (relative dying, etc). I used to turn to booze to comfort me temporarily, but it never made my problems go away. It doesn't do me any good to worry about things like this.....I just need to take it one day at a time. Each morning as the sun comes up I realize that this is another good opportunity for me to embrace my life, stay sober, and feel proud of myself.
It's a tough thing to say goodbye to such a "good friend" as alcohol, but keep trying!!
Boredom was a big part of my Tuesday drinking, but in the past couple weeks I've found that when I occupy my brain during the day, I don't crave the booze nearly as much.
To answer your question, yes alcohol was my first line of defense against the problems I have in my life. But, as it turns out, those problems aren't nearly as inconquerable as I thought they were when I was drunk. Turns out that alcohol was the biggest problem I had.
I still worry about what will happen when a life crisis pops up in my life (relative dying, etc). I used to turn to booze to comfort me temporarily, but it never made my problems go away. It doesn't do me any good to worry about things like this.....I just need to take it one day at a time. Each morning as the sun comes up I realize that this is another good opportunity for me to embrace my life, stay sober, and feel proud of myself.
It's a tough thing to say goodbye to such a "good friend" as alcohol, but keep trying!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Santa Ana, CA
Posts: 7
Yes, I do go to AA meetings, not as many as I use to though, so I suppose I need to step those up a bit. And you're right Tazman53 and TouchtheMirror, when I'm more involved in my program, keeping busy or helping others I don't feel like this. Yes, it's too easy for me to get stuck in my head and do the "poor me" thing when I let those things slack. Not a good place or safe place to let myself go. It's not that I really feel like taking a drink, I guess I just get tired of the life stuff and having to deal with it all sometimes. But hey, that's life, stuff always happens. I know it's just my own crazy self pitty party that I need to get out of. I know getting back to more meetings and working on my program more will help. See, logically I know, but sometimes I guess I get so stuck, misery loves company! And I guess I just need a kick in the *$& every now and then. Thanks again everyone! :-)
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
JustHP sounds like you know what you need to do, count this as a kick in the rear to get you started! LOL
I get bored every once in a while and like you I start the pity party in my head, which sets off alarm bells in this old mans head to get busy doing something. My greatest fear in life in relapsing.... I do not want to go back to the hell I lived in before.
I get bored every once in a while and like you I start the pity party in my head, which sets off alarm bells in this old mans head to get busy doing something. My greatest fear in life in relapsing.... I do not want to go back to the hell I lived in before.
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