Powerlessness
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Powerlessness
Well, after doing well for a while I slipped on the slippery slope and got drunk... not drunk like I used to but drunk none the less.
I am frustrated by my complete lack of power over an inanimate substance ... it just sits in the bottle on the shelf and harms no one... except those of us that can't tolerate it in our systems then it harms all of us.
How is it that something so innocuous can pose such a huge problem? I have tried to figure that out since I realized I had a drinking problem two years ago. I still don't have an answer.
What I do realize is that the "stinking thinking" is real and that the moment that I am silly enough to think I can actually drink responsibly again I end up in a world of trouble... it takes one drink to cause all the obsession and stinking thinking to resurface. I just have to accept that.
I am powerless over alcohol. While that really sucks, it is the TRUTH and I have to accept that.
On the upside, I actually have begun attending church again and I am becoming more aware of my spiritual state as a result. I am able to see where I need to work on myself and that I have to accept that I cannot drink. I am learning, slowly, to turn things over to my HP and to accept that I cannot deal with alcohol in any form.
Peace, Levi
I am frustrated by my complete lack of power over an inanimate substance ... it just sits in the bottle on the shelf and harms no one... except those of us that can't tolerate it in our systems then it harms all of us.
How is it that something so innocuous can pose such a huge problem? I have tried to figure that out since I realized I had a drinking problem two years ago. I still don't have an answer.
What I do realize is that the "stinking thinking" is real and that the moment that I am silly enough to think I can actually drink responsibly again I end up in a world of trouble... it takes one drink to cause all the obsession and stinking thinking to resurface. I just have to accept that.
I am powerless over alcohol. While that really sucks, it is the TRUTH and I have to accept that.
On the upside, I actually have begun attending church again and I am becoming more aware of my spiritual state as a result. I am able to see where I need to work on myself and that I have to accept that I cannot drink. I am learning, slowly, to turn things over to my HP and to accept that I cannot deal with alcohol in any form.
Peace, Levi
HopeInFaith
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 62
Thank you for your honesty Levi! So THAT'S what stinking thinking is? I've heard the term...but wasn't sure what it meant. Man can I relate to that. When I stopped drinking I was amazed at how, after time, the desire to drink became less and less...but once I started drinking again...I couldn't believe how much I think about having a drink...or about alcohol period. It's so hard to get it out of my head, and so amazing how much I want to have a drink...and I think - why is this a problem...it wasn't a problem before when I wasn't drinking....
but you're right...it's absolutely not a possibility. Well, actually - sure it is. Of course I can have a drink...but I try to always play the tape out in my head....after the drink, all the drama that comes after the drink...and that is no good...
and with regard to your comment about the spirituality...I found that when I started drinking again...I stopped growing spiritually. In fact, I think I may have started going backwards!! So, what that tells me is if I can just work on my spirituality maybe I'll have a chance and keeping away from the alcohol...for TODAY!
but you're right...it's absolutely not a possibility. Well, actually - sure it is. Of course I can have a drink...but I try to always play the tape out in my head....after the drink, all the drama that comes after the drink...and that is no good...
and with regard to your comment about the spirituality...I found that when I started drinking again...I stopped growing spiritually. In fact, I think I may have started going backwards!! So, what that tells me is if I can just work on my spirituality maybe I'll have a chance and keeping away from the alcohol...for TODAY!
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
Good afternoon Levi...
Hey, you slipped and fell and now your back on your feet. This situation could happen to anyone of us at any time...
They don't call alcohol cunning and baffleing for nothing. It is laying in wait in the shadow's lurking, waiting for us to have a weak moment...
The main thing is you realize that you slipped, and are taking steps to correct it...
Don't be hard on yourself, just start being strong and positive from this day on...
Best of luck to you...
One day at a time.
Steve
Hey, you slipped and fell and now your back on your feet. This situation could happen to anyone of us at any time...
They don't call alcohol cunning and baffleing for nothing. It is laying in wait in the shadow's lurking, waiting for us to have a weak moment...
The main thing is you realize that you slipped, and are taking steps to correct it...
Don't be hard on yourself, just start being strong and positive from this day on...
Best of luck to you...
One day at a time.
Steve
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
All good input, I am back on my feet. It was only a day, but it is how easily it snuck up on me that bugs me. Cunning, baffling... no doubt...
The really positive thing about all of this is that while I had discussed my abuse of alcohol with my lady, I had not discussed how difficult it was for me or how much of a problem... more just that it was bad and I drank a lot for xxx period of time... well as a result of this I was a lot more open with her and just told her that there is no other way for me, just no booze... she was perfectly fine with that.
I know now that I had held back because of fear... fear she wouldn't accept me, fear of judgment, fear of fear I guess... Now I know that there is nothing to fear with her, just tell the truth and all is well. I also know that she supports me and while she doesn't understand how it is a problem for me, she supports me nonetheless.
Levi
The really positive thing about all of this is that while I had discussed my abuse of alcohol with my lady, I had not discussed how difficult it was for me or how much of a problem... more just that it was bad and I drank a lot for xxx period of time... well as a result of this I was a lot more open with her and just told her that there is no other way for me, just no booze... she was perfectly fine with that.
I know now that I had held back because of fear... fear she wouldn't accept me, fear of judgment, fear of fear I guess... Now I know that there is nothing to fear with her, just tell the truth and all is well. I also know that she supports me and while she doesn't understand how it is a problem for me, she supports me nonetheless.
Levi
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: BUFFALO, NY
Posts: 32
Hey Leviathon,
It sound to me like this is a great step, not only for your sobriety, but also for your relationship. Kudos!! Honesty, while terribly scary, really does help. In my sobriety, one of the my most important coping tools has always been my
"sober network." My friends and my partner understand that I am an alcoholic and that means NO booze. If friends are really friends they will be supportive of you. I have friends who are so supportive that they hide port wine cheese from me because they think it will be a temptation. These are the friends I cherish!!!
It sound to me like this is a great step, not only for your sobriety, but also for your relationship. Kudos!! Honesty, while terribly scary, really does help. In my sobriety, one of the my most important coping tools has always been my
"sober network." My friends and my partner understand that I am an alcoholic and that means NO booze. If friends are really friends they will be supportive of you. I have friends who are so supportive that they hide port wine cheese from me because they think it will be a temptation. These are the friends I cherish!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Thanks PSD... Slow, it sucks because it is something beyond my control... I've managed to lift myself up and do great things with my life, what sucks is why I cannot over come this thing... why is it so powerful over my life... I don't like things being outside my control... then again, perhaps that is why God put this one in my life ... so that I can not just over come and take control... perhaps I need to learn to give it over and to be at peace with that.
Peace, Levi
Peace, Levi
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
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I am back on the water wagon jmhs002, thanks for the support. Ngokpa, that is a very good point. Chemistry, something that happens to us instead of being a subject in school. I know my chemistry is messed up... partly b/c of coming from an alcoholic home and partly as a result of my own abuse of alcohol. The upside, I now know that explicitly and can choose not to drink.
Thank you all for your support and understanding. Here's to another 24.
Peace, Levi
Thank you all for your support and understanding. Here's to another 24.
Peace, Levi
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Walden CO
Posts: 151
Levi - Hope your Thanksgiving is going well. I'm still hitting the Antabuse and have found that I'm making it through the day w/o the cravings that I anticipated. I hope I can someday say it has become a habit NOT to crave alcohol. Assume you're taking your Antabuse also and that you're having a good day. Best of luck!
Nanita
Nanita
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Hi Nanita, yes, funnything, talking with you reminded me of my anatabuse and I went and took one on Tuesday and then Wed, Thurs, Fri, etc., life is MUCH better again. I fortunatley have a one month supply to get me through and then I have a refill if needed. Best to you too.
Paulmh, I am glad to hear you don't know what alcoholism and I pray you NEVER find out. It is lethal without prejudice. Fortunately my slip was one day and then I righted myself. The good that came out of it was that I realized there is no half measure, it is either drink or DO NOT DRINK. I am not someone that can do both. Thank you for the vote of support.
Peace, Levi
Paulmh, I am glad to hear you don't know what alcoholism and I pray you NEVER find out. It is lethal without prejudice. Fortunately my slip was one day and then I righted myself. The good that came out of it was that I realized there is no half measure, it is either drink or DO NOT DRINK. I am not someone that can do both. Thank you for the vote of support.
Peace, Levi
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Walden CO
Posts: 151
Glad to hear you're doing better, Levi. Hey, can I borrow some of that Antabuse? Just kidding! Early in Dec. will go to my regular dr. instead of the addiction specialist and pretty soon I'll have some extra, too! Take care.
Nanita
Nanita
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
Perhaps this experience will help you to understand the idea of loosing the power of choice when it comes to drinking alcohol.
The problem centers in the mind and despite the fact that you are intelligent and that you can assert the power of your will in other areas of your life, you can't fix the mind with the mind.
I was told that I needed a new mind. That is precisely what an entire psychic change means. A spiritual experience is simply a new mind. I can't think my way into it though.
The problem centers in the mind and despite the fact that you are intelligent and that you can assert the power of your will in other areas of your life, you can't fix the mind with the mind.
I was told that I needed a new mind. That is precisely what an entire psychic change means. A spiritual experience is simply a new mind. I can't think my way into it though.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey Levi...
I was a high-bottom drunk, so sometimes I've had trouble understanding parts of the stories shared in the rooms, or here at SR.
What I've discovered, though, is that the alcoholism is so MUCH more than whether I pick up a drink, or not. And that discovery has been the eye-opener for me. It is much easier for me to not pick up when I realize that it isn't just the booze.
I know I this is disjointed, it is hard for me to articulate - but part of the desire (for me) to pick up is my pure rebellion at ANYONE telling me I can NOT! Now, after a few years around the tables (I've been sober for 22 years, but only in recovery for 3); I am learning that it is NOT only booze I have trouble with. Now that I know how "BIG" this is, I can better understand that the condition of alcoholism isn't just "someone" telling me NO! This really is a whole body, whole mind sort of thing. The bigger my awareness, the less important booze has become.
This is the best way I can describe it, I hope this helps. (((Levi)))
I was a high-bottom drunk, so sometimes I've had trouble understanding parts of the stories shared in the rooms, or here at SR.
What I've discovered, though, is that the alcoholism is so MUCH more than whether I pick up a drink, or not. And that discovery has been the eye-opener for me. It is much easier for me to not pick up when I realize that it isn't just the booze.
I know I this is disjointed, it is hard for me to articulate - but part of the desire (for me) to pick up is my pure rebellion at ANYONE telling me I can NOT! Now, after a few years around the tables (I've been sober for 22 years, but only in recovery for 3); I am learning that it is NOT only booze I have trouble with. Now that I know how "BIG" this is, I can better understand that the condition of alcoholism isn't just "someone" telling me NO! This really is a whole body, whole mind sort of thing. The bigger my awareness, the less important booze has become.
This is the best way I can describe it, I hope this helps. (((Levi)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Santa Ana, CA
Posts: 7
I know that feeling all too well. It's insane at times. The thought that something that is legal, so socially acceptable and available can end up killing someone. But you know know that you can't just take it or leave it, so that's good. I tried so many times to just cut down, just drink responsibly, but for me, it never worked. I finally had to realize that. You tried again and found it didn't work for you either. So, just hang in there. You can do this. It may not be fun or comfortable sometimes, but that uncomfortableness is not nearly as awful as the morning after withdrawls! ((((hugs))))
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