My Double Life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 258
My Double Life
I think for the past year or so i've been living a double life. The funny thing is i've been in complete denial over the one I choose not to think about. I'm soo good at deluding myself that i'm convinced it doesn't exist. I with my head in the toilet this morning after promising myself AGAIN that I wouldn't drink. There was no hiding from it at that point.
Some mornings I wake up and I swear if I took a lie detector test to prove I was not going to drink or go see my dealer again I would pass. By the time 3pm rolls around the tone has changed and i'm dying for something....anything.
From the outside I have everything my own apartment, university, a good job......No one would ever know what i'm hiding. What do I have to be unhappy about? Why do I need that drink to get out of the house in the morning, in the afternoon. Why do I need it to fall asleep, to have fun. There must be something pretty awful about life to need to hide from it constantly, to live in a state of such delusion in order to protect yourself from the truth. It can't be normal to drink a bottle of vodka throughout the day.
I've done things while under the influence I don't even want to think about. Some of them I only started to remember recently. I stare at all the empty bottles and wonder how i've gotten to this place. It seems only yesterday that I wasn't even a fan of drinking. I've lost a relationship, friends, all because I push everyone away in fear that one day they'll find out my dirty secret. That i''m not as good as they think I am, that i'm not a good person.
Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. I don't even know how to define it. all I know is I dont want to wake up one more morning, not remembering what i've done, and in trying to forget why I drank last night, taking that one last shot before work.
Thank you for listening and any help would be appreciated
Some mornings I wake up and I swear if I took a lie detector test to prove I was not going to drink or go see my dealer again I would pass. By the time 3pm rolls around the tone has changed and i'm dying for something....anything.
From the outside I have everything my own apartment, university, a good job......No one would ever know what i'm hiding. What do I have to be unhappy about? Why do I need that drink to get out of the house in the morning, in the afternoon. Why do I need it to fall asleep, to have fun. There must be something pretty awful about life to need to hide from it constantly, to live in a state of such delusion in order to protect yourself from the truth. It can't be normal to drink a bottle of vodka throughout the day.
I've done things while under the influence I don't even want to think about. Some of them I only started to remember recently. I stare at all the empty bottles and wonder how i've gotten to this place. It seems only yesterday that I wasn't even a fan of drinking. I've lost a relationship, friends, all because I push everyone away in fear that one day they'll find out my dirty secret. That i''m not as good as they think I am, that i'm not a good person.
Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. I don't even know how to define it. all I know is I dont want to wake up one more morning, not remembering what i've done, and in trying to forget why I drank last night, taking that one last shot before work.
Thank you for listening and any help would be appreciated
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR! Congratulations on seeking a s solution to the misery!..
For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...
"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"
they are carried by Amazon
We have excerpts on the top sticky post too.
Read some of our post, ask questions if you like.
You are not alone and we do understand.
Blessings..
For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...
"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"
they are carried by Amazon
We have excerpts on the top sticky post too.
Read some of our post, ask questions if you like.
You are not alone and we do understand.
Blessings..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi tanya,
boy! can I relate to your situation! All of my adult life it seems that I was living a double life. The good and the bad...all rolled into one. The good one, the professional healer lived the first half of each day and the evil twin came out around 5pm and drank all night, becoming cynical and reckless with my life.
Each "half" represnted to me aspects of my true self, but I was afraid to be real, to admit my insecurities and to feel my emotions. I ended up putting so much energy into maintaining the good appearances by day...that I felt like such an imposter and a disappointment to myself.
Of course, alcohol is a dpressant, which contributed alot to the depression I felt toward the end of my drinking. Such a cycle!
Anyway, I am relating to you today and thank yuo so much for coming here and having the courage to face the truth in your life. It will get so much better the more you learn about yourself and the diseases of addiction/alcoholism.
I found sobriety here and in AA. I hope you stay with us and let us get to know you more!
boy! can I relate to your situation! All of my adult life it seems that I was living a double life. The good and the bad...all rolled into one. The good one, the professional healer lived the first half of each day and the evil twin came out around 5pm and drank all night, becoming cynical and reckless with my life.
Each "half" represnted to me aspects of my true self, but I was afraid to be real, to admit my insecurities and to feel my emotions. I ended up putting so much energy into maintaining the good appearances by day...that I felt like such an imposter and a disappointment to myself.
Of course, alcohol is a dpressant, which contributed alot to the depression I felt toward the end of my drinking. Such a cycle!
Anyway, I am relating to you today and thank yuo so much for coming here and having the courage to face the truth in your life. It will get so much better the more you learn about yourself and the diseases of addiction/alcoholism.
I found sobriety here and in AA. I hope you stay with us and let us get to know you more!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
The denial part is the hardest to come clean about I think. We think that nobody knows our dirty little secretes. But, there are lots of people who can sniff out alcoholic behavior cause they have been there or have someone in their life with the problem.
You maybe young enough yet for it not to show in your appearance but don't count on it. I can smell alcohol on peoples breath who have brushed their teeth, taken a shower, and changed clothes. Cause it is still in the body even if it has been several hours since the last drink the smell comes out of your skin through your pores.. People who drink alot have a puffiness in their face and often a certain palor in their face. Someone who is suffering with a hangover doesn't look their best that is for sure...
I have seen the look too many times in the mirror for me not to be able to see it in others. I own a resturant and people come and apply for a job all the time and if someone comes in with the "LOOK" I tell them we are not hiring right now.
I have some really terrible pictures of myself from when I was drinking and drugging so I can be reminded if I need one. Although I am 21 years older and 21 years clean I still look better now than I did when I was younger. Try as I did there was no make-up that could cover up how rotten I really felt.
You maybe young enough yet for it not to show in your appearance but don't count on it. I can smell alcohol on peoples breath who have brushed their teeth, taken a shower, and changed clothes. Cause it is still in the body even if it has been several hours since the last drink the smell comes out of your skin through your pores.. People who drink alot have a puffiness in their face and often a certain palor in their face. Someone who is suffering with a hangover doesn't look their best that is for sure...
I have seen the look too many times in the mirror for me not to be able to see it in others. I own a resturant and people come and apply for a job all the time and if someone comes in with the "LOOK" I tell them we are not hiring right now.
I have some really terrible pictures of myself from when I was drinking and drugging so I can be reminded if I need one. Although I am 21 years older and 21 years clean I still look better now than I did when I was younger. Try as I did there was no make-up that could cover up how rotten I really felt.
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Hey tanya,
For years and years, there were three different Tonys: the Tony I thought I was, the Tony I wanted to be, and the Tony I actually was. I refused to believe that all of the things that happened to me under the influence or that I did under the influence were actually me. I viewed each of them as completely isolated incidents with no relationship to each other or to me. But year after year, I was getting farther away from who I wanted to be and it took up more and more of my time just maintaining the illusion that I didn't have a problem with alcohol and other drugs. In the end, I just couldn't keep the illusion going any longer. So I changed my behavior and slowly but surely my thinking changed to match my new behavior. Today, the person I think I am is much closer to the person I actually am, and oddly(?) enough, the definition of the person I want to be has changed as well. This didn't happen overnight but every day, things did get better in small ways. Sometimes, so small that I had to look for them in unexpected places. And when I could find nothing else, I held on tight to what I learned very early on in N.A.: "Every clean day is a successful day, no matter what else happens." Why? Because I'm an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic because I pass every "Are you an alcoholic?" test I've ever taken honestly with flying colors and more importantly to me, I am an alcoholic because every time I drink, things go badly.
I encourage you to get as much information as you can about alcoholism and what you can do about it. One book that particularly helped me get started was "First Year Sobriety: When All That Changes Is Everything" by Guy Kettelhack. This was the book that showed me that I could find my own way in A.A. and N.A. and I recommend it because those two programs have been very important in my recovery.
For years and years, there were three different Tonys: the Tony I thought I was, the Tony I wanted to be, and the Tony I actually was. I refused to believe that all of the things that happened to me under the influence or that I did under the influence were actually me. I viewed each of them as completely isolated incidents with no relationship to each other or to me. But year after year, I was getting farther away from who I wanted to be and it took up more and more of my time just maintaining the illusion that I didn't have a problem with alcohol and other drugs. In the end, I just couldn't keep the illusion going any longer. So I changed my behavior and slowly but surely my thinking changed to match my new behavior. Today, the person I think I am is much closer to the person I actually am, and oddly(?) enough, the definition of the person I want to be has changed as well. This didn't happen overnight but every day, things did get better in small ways. Sometimes, so small that I had to look for them in unexpected places. And when I could find nothing else, I held on tight to what I learned very early on in N.A.: "Every clean day is a successful day, no matter what else happens." Why? Because I'm an alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic because I pass every "Are you an alcoholic?" test I've ever taken honestly with flying colors and more importantly to me, I am an alcoholic because every time I drink, things go badly.
I encourage you to get as much information as you can about alcoholism and what you can do about it. One book that particularly helped me get started was "First Year Sobriety: When All That Changes Is Everything" by Guy Kettelhack. This was the book that showed me that I could find my own way in A.A. and N.A. and I recommend it because those two programs have been very important in my recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 258
Thank you for all the response. Yesterday was my first day sober....and it ended quite abruptly this afternoon. I woke up at 6am and it was beautiful outside. I knew this was going to be the day I stopped....The day I moved away from all of this and lived how I wanted to. And I slipped. I cried as I paced back and forth by the liquor cabinet, rationalizing in my head. And I gave in. I feel like such a failure, an utter and complete failure. Sorry I needed to get this out
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
Tanya,
If it was really easy to quit drinking, everybody would do it without any problem. It's not, they don't, but you can do it. Don't quit quitting.
Might be a good idea not to have any alcohol in the house, just to make it a little bit harder to pick up the next time. Sometimes, a little bit of distance between you and the alcohol will give you just enough time to rethink.
Tony
If it was really easy to quit drinking, everybody would do it without any problem. It's not, they don't, but you can do it. Don't quit quitting.
Might be a good idea not to have any alcohol in the house, just to make it a little bit harder to pick up the next time. Sometimes, a little bit of distance between you and the alcohol will give you just enough time to rethink.
Tony
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