Why can't I get that I can't drink!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
Why can't I get that I can't drink!
Why can't I get it through my head that I can't drink. No "a couple of beers" or only on Saturdays etc. I've stopped and started so many times I don't even believe myself anymore when I say this is it. I've thought so many times I'm done, then I go out for a few - and bam - kicked in the ass again. I stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my AA friend and once again - said I can stop on my own - all it takes is willpower - THIS time will be different - hey at least I'm not starting my drinking until the evening and if I can just go home when the bar closes instead of the after- bar party I will be ok. WRONG. That was just my intention this weekend. So proud that I didn't drink on Friday night. I was going to go out Saturday, but would be home afterwards, I will drink slow etc. The result- drinking until the sun came up, drinking vodka (in a blackout) - I never drink liquor - or so I say. I guess I never start on it sober, but if there is no more beer and I want to keep partying...I caught a ride home and boy what withdrawls. I thought I had alcohol poisoning. My whole body shook and shook, I got sick over the side of my bed, couldn't even get up to take a shower or put a cool rag over my head. I was desparate - so I called the one person who would understand - give me guidance. My AA friend. I have no idea why I called her. I really don't know her all that well. She didn't judge, in fact her and her bf came over to pick me up and took me to my parents where I had left my car and my dogs. She wasn't shocked when I was pucking in a bag in her back seat. When I looked and felt like hell. All she asked if I had surrenderd and to get back to meetings and get back to calling her.
I damn well hope I have, that this time - I'm done. I never ever want to feel like I did and do now. I'm going to Hawaii on Thursday for a week. I'm going to try and not drink. To enjoy the sights and visiting with my family. To recharge.
Thanks for reading
Brdlvr
I damn well hope I have, that this time - I'm done. I never ever want to feel like I did and do now. I'm going to Hawaii on Thursday for a week. I'm going to try and not drink. To enjoy the sights and visiting with my family. To recharge.
Thanks for reading
Brdlvr
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
This might be it for you. I had lots of similar experience, I tried to stop and promised myself "this is the last time" so many times. Well, for the last 9 years it has been no drinking for me, so there was a time that I could finally quit and realise that I didn't need alcohol, in fact I had so much to gain from not drinking that it finally took me ... no alcohol is great for me now, has been since the day I stopped.
Good luck, keep trying and you will get there!!
love and peace,
Brigid
Good luck, keep trying and you will get there!!
love and peace,
Brigid
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
(((( brdlvr))))
It takes what it takes.. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're willing to give sobriety a chance in your life and that IS huge all by itself. You're trying to make a good choice for you and your family and if it was easy well, we all wouldn't be here on a message board for those in recovery!
Have a great time in Hawaii.. wondering if the recent earthquake has changed your plans?
It takes what it takes.. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're willing to give sobriety a chance in your life and that IS huge all by itself. You're trying to make a good choice for you and your family and if it was easy well, we all wouldn't be here on a message board for those in recovery!
Have a great time in Hawaii.. wondering if the recent earthquake has changed your plans?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
Thanks. I feel pretty bad now. I neglected my dogs, my parents were of course disappointed - their almost 40 year old daughter getting in that condition I'm sure hurts them, my little nephews who I live with saw me in my very hungover state. The one who is 10 said late night Aunt X? He knows. They all know - well except for my partying friends who it's just another night.
PS. Hopefully airports/power will be back to normal before I leave this week. Really need to get away now.
PS. Hopefully airports/power will be back to normal before I leave this week. Really need to get away now.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Take this book on the plane...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
that is what convinced me to quit.
Take care..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
that is what convinced me to quit.
Take care..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
Good idea. I once typed up all the negatives from drinking printed it, and left it lying on my computer table. Lot of good that did me. I will print this post and my other list and keep one by my make-up mirror and one in my purse. I do tend to forget after a week or so. Can't do it again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
I am thinking about you, brdlvr, and relating soooooooo much to the mental go-round of: "drinking-self loathing-promise to self NOT to drink again-drinking anyway"... etc etc that I used to live for many years.
Your posts here brought back to me how doing things like typing a list of all the "negatives" of drinking plastered on my desk, refrigerator or mirror just did NOTHING to stop my obsession and craving. It made me feel worse, in fact because I seemed to sabotage my best intentions.
Its why I have accepted that WILLPOWER alone cannot cure me of the drinking problem, where SURRENDER can.
I also accept that it "takes what it takes" to stop drinking, and that you are in that difficult phase filled with internal struggle about how to stop drinking completely.
What worked for me was to commit to 90 days at first. I agreed to commit to not drinking and attend as many AA meetings as I could in 90 days. The deal I made with myself was that if I wanted to drink after that, I could. At 90 days, I felt so much better that I renewed the 90 day deal, for another 90 days. There were times that it was tough, but I felt that I could stick to it for such a manageable period of time as that.
Coming here daily has also deepened the quality of my sobriety immensely. I now know that I am much more happy and free as a sober person than as a drinker.
I wish the same freedom for YOU too!
((((Sending love and strength))))
Your posts here brought back to me how doing things like typing a list of all the "negatives" of drinking plastered on my desk, refrigerator or mirror just did NOTHING to stop my obsession and craving. It made me feel worse, in fact because I seemed to sabotage my best intentions.
Its why I have accepted that WILLPOWER alone cannot cure me of the drinking problem, where SURRENDER can.
I also accept that it "takes what it takes" to stop drinking, and that you are in that difficult phase filled with internal struggle about how to stop drinking completely.
What worked for me was to commit to 90 days at first. I agreed to commit to not drinking and attend as many AA meetings as I could in 90 days. The deal I made with myself was that if I wanted to drink after that, I could. At 90 days, I felt so much better that I renewed the 90 day deal, for another 90 days. There were times that it was tough, but I felt that I could stick to it for such a manageable period of time as that.
Coming here daily has also deepened the quality of my sobriety immensely. I now know that I am much more happy and free as a sober person than as a drinker.
I wish the same freedom for YOU too!
((((Sending love and strength))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
The relative success of the A.A. program seems
to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no
longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for
"reaching" and helping an uncontrolled drinker.
In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when
a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of
his or her own problem drinking, describes the
sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites
the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.
The heart of the suggested program of personal
recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing
the experience of the earliest members of the Society:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -
that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater
than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care of God as
we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to
another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our
shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we
had harmed, and became willing
to make amends to them all.
9.Made direct amends to such
people wherever possible, except
when to do so would injure them
or others.
10. Continued to take personal
inventory and when we were wrong
promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and
meditation to improve our conscious
contact with God as we understood Him,
praying only for knowledge of His will for
us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening
as the result of these steps, we tried
to carry this message to alcoholics
and to practice these principles in all
our affairs.
Newcomers are not asked to accept
or follow these Twelve Steps in their
entirety if they feel unwilling or unable
to do so.
They will usually be asked to keep an
open mind, to attend meetings at
which recovered alcoholics describe
their personal experiences in achieving
sobriety, and to read A.A. literature
describing and interpreting the A.A. program.
A.A. members will usually emphasize to
newcomers that only problem drinkers
themselves, individually, can determine
whether or not they are in fact alcoholics.
At the same time, it will be pointed out
that all available medical testimony indicates
that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that
it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of
the term, but that it can be arrested through
total abstinence from alcohol in any form.
The relative success of the A.A. program seems
to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no
longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for
"reaching" and helping an uncontrolled drinker.
In simplest form, the A.A. program operates when
a recovered alcoholic passes along the story of
his or her own problem drinking, describes the
sobriety he or she has found in A.A., and invites
the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.
The heart of the suggested program of personal
recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing
the experience of the earliest members of the Society:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -
that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater
than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care of God as
we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to
another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove
all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our
shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we
had harmed, and became willing
to make amends to them all.
9.Made direct amends to such
people wherever possible, except
when to do so would injure them
or others.
10. Continued to take personal
inventory and when we were wrong
promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and
meditation to improve our conscious
contact with God as we understood Him,
praying only for knowledge of His will for
us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening
as the result of these steps, we tried
to carry this message to alcoholics
and to practice these principles in all
our affairs.
Newcomers are not asked to accept
or follow these Twelve Steps in their
entirety if they feel unwilling or unable
to do so.
They will usually be asked to keep an
open mind, to attend meetings at
which recovered alcoholics describe
their personal experiences in achieving
sobriety, and to read A.A. literature
describing and interpreting the A.A. program.
A.A. members will usually emphasize to
newcomers that only problem drinkers
themselves, individually, can determine
whether or not they are in fact alcoholics.
At the same time, it will be pointed out
that all available medical testimony indicates
that alcoholism is a progressive illness, that
it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of
the term, but that it can be arrested through
total abstinence from alcohol in any form.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the Grace of my HP and people like
u here in SR i havent found it necessary
to pick up a drink since 8-11-90. For that
Im truely grateful.
Until i ADMITTED I was powerless over alcohol
and that my life had become unmanageable...
i had little chance of getting sober.
Until I ACCEPTED I had a problem with
alcohol then i had little chance of getting
sober.
Until i totally surrendered my will and
life over to the care of Something
Greater than I, I had little chance of
ever getting sober.
I tried countless time before to stop
drinking and I couldnt. I just couldnt.
Period. I didnt know it at the time but
my disease has progressed so fast
from Feb 90 to Aug. 90 that all i could
do was try to escape this miserable life.
My attempt to check out failed ..thanks
to my HP and family. They stepped in
and did for me what i couldnt do for
myself. They sent me to rehab for 28
days where i picked up the tools and
knowledge of recovery to set me on the
right path to live one day at a time sober.
Let people in the program carry you and
help u till u r strong enough to carry on urself.
People in AA are warm caring supportive members
ready willing and able to help you...Just ask...
Thanks for letting me share.
By the Grace of my HP and people like
u here in SR i havent found it necessary
to pick up a drink since 8-11-90. For that
Im truely grateful.
Until i ADMITTED I was powerless over alcohol
and that my life had become unmanageable...
i had little chance of getting sober.
Until I ACCEPTED I had a problem with
alcohol then i had little chance of getting
sober.
Until i totally surrendered my will and
life over to the care of Something
Greater than I, I had little chance of
ever getting sober.
I tried countless time before to stop
drinking and I couldnt. I just couldnt.
Period. I didnt know it at the time but
my disease has progressed so fast
from Feb 90 to Aug. 90 that all i could
do was try to escape this miserable life.
My attempt to check out failed ..thanks
to my HP and family. They stepped in
and did for me what i couldnt do for
myself. They sent me to rehab for 28
days where i picked up the tools and
knowledge of recovery to set me on the
right path to live one day at a time sober.
Let people in the program carry you and
help u till u r strong enough to carry on urself.
People in AA are warm caring supportive members
ready willing and able to help you...Just ask...
Thanks for letting me share.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
HulaDance
wonder what an AA meeting in Hawaii would be like? reckon they've got those fire dancer guys? How kewl! I'd be lining up myself some sun, beach chair time ... and meetings at night, man.
wonder what an AA meeting in Hawaii would be like? reckon they've got those fire dancer guys? How kewl! I'd be lining up myself some sun, beach chair time ... and meetings at night, man.
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
I'm two years sober and everyday I still have to remind myself why I don't drink. It's an everyday program in AA because everyday I could want a drink. I too had many years of telling myself "today is the day I stop drinking" only to find my self with a buzz on that night. I did give up and throw in the towle one day over two years ago. I did it by doing suggestions in the program of AA. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days,got a sponcer, worked the steps and read the big book and other books from AA. I do a little service work now as I did back then (I made coffee for awhile when I started over). I hope my drinking days are over,but I'll never know, I just have to do the not drinking part and my program one day at time just like your doing too. Have a fun time and I hope you don't drink while your there,but if you do, just remember everyday is a new day to start over again unless of course you die in the process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
Thanks you all. Some very kind, encouraging words here for sure. I'm trying to think positive, that I'm alive, still have the desire to quit etc. I'm just going to pray, read recovery books while I'm on vacation. I've got alot of sights I want to see and I need to make a conscious effort to remember that if I have two drinks, I will want alot more and then who knows what the outcome will be - at the very least I'll have a hangover and waste one of my vacation days feeling like crap. There are no parties or nights on the town planned so that is great for me. I'm going to try to check in here as much as I can as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
I don't know what it will take for you and I don't pretend to know what you need to do. Hell, I didn't know I was done when I was done, because I can't muster up what it takes to get me sober.
I do know that you are fighting an obsession of the mind and you can't fix your mind with your mind. Trying not to drink and thinking about not drinking becomes an obsession in itself. Have you noticed that the more you think about not drinking the more yiou want to drink? It is a battle, that if you are like me, you can't win.
The only thing I can suggest, and I am not one to push AA on anyone, is to to find someone who has recovered and ask them to guide you through a set of 12 spiritual exercises that will bring about a psychic change (literally a new mind). That course of action has been the only method that has worked for me. For the last sixteen years. And I'm a guy who couldn't put a month together for ten years prior, in and out of AA. Counselors, shrinks, preachers, wives, cops, judges, bosses, and my own ideas didn't do the job. Booze did it for me-got me to a place of being teachable.
You don't ever have to drink again. You don't even have to want to drink again. But if you are alcoholic the way I understand it, you can't do it on your own (will) power. Good luck to you and God bless.
Jim
I do know that you are fighting an obsession of the mind and you can't fix your mind with your mind. Trying not to drink and thinking about not drinking becomes an obsession in itself. Have you noticed that the more you think about not drinking the more yiou want to drink? It is a battle, that if you are like me, you can't win.
The only thing I can suggest, and I am not one to push AA on anyone, is to to find someone who has recovered and ask them to guide you through a set of 12 spiritual exercises that will bring about a psychic change (literally a new mind). That course of action has been the only method that has worked for me. For the last sixteen years. And I'm a guy who couldn't put a month together for ten years prior, in and out of AA. Counselors, shrinks, preachers, wives, cops, judges, bosses, and my own ideas didn't do the job. Booze did it for me-got me to a place of being teachable.
You don't ever have to drink again. You don't even have to want to drink again. But if you are alcoholic the way I understand it, you can't do it on your own (will) power. Good luck to you and God bless.
Jim
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by brdlvr
I need to make a conscious effort to remember that if I have two drinks, I will want alot more and then who knows what the outcome will be -
Have a great vacation, I enjoy myself a lot more sober than I ever did drunk!!
peace and love,
Brigid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 207
I guess I've thought of my self as independent - don't need to call anyone when I feel like going out and hitting the bars, I can talk myself out of it (sometimes I can) - the thing is - when I'm drunk and/or hungover - I'm anything but independent. I'm very dependent and I really hate that.
And you know- it was the first beer that got me on my binge this past weekend. The first one - that I drank very slowly -but they sure went down faster and smoother after that.
And you know- it was the first beer that got me on my binge this past weekend. The first one - that I drank very slowly -but they sure went down faster and smoother after that.
L'il fighter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 297
I've tried soooooo many times to get sober through my own sheer willpower....and surprise! I ended up back with the bottle. I had too much pride, I thought that I could get through it by myself, and unlike other people in AA I didn't need any outside support. And it also doesn't help that the addicted brain is selectively forgetful - we have a hard time remembering the reasons why we wanted to get sober.
Don't think of it as being dependant on anyone else - like any disease it requires outside treatment. Our brains are simply hard-wired differently than a normal person's, and it's that problem that keeps sending us right back towards that drink.
Don't think of it as being dependant on anyone else - like any disease it requires outside treatment. Our brains are simply hard-wired differently than a normal person's, and it's that problem that keeps sending us right back towards that drink.
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