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Hard Times and Thoughts of Booze

Old 09-16-2006, 03:47 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chip
I know I have resentments against my wife. I know I have to let it go. It's hard not to fight back when she attacks me. I feel like she doesn't respect me. I'm not allowed to talk about my day or my problems with her. I know this makes her sound bad, but it's true. I don't feel like I get much emotional support from her. It feels like she makes my problems worse.

Could some of it be that you resent on some level the fact that she CAN drink that beer;even leave half of it. I am not the alcoholic in my family, however when he would be feeling tense/wanting to drink,etc...we all could feel it and react by feeling tensed-up,too. Maybe she is stressed herself? who knows.... I just hope that you continue your sobriety...that is great!

Does your wife go to Alanon? Is she working on her own recovery? In fact, many people I know suggest that Alanon is very helpful in recovery from alcoholism (in addition to AA). Just some ideas.

Last edited by CarolD; 09-16-2006 at 05:13 PM.
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Old 09-17-2006, 09:13 PM
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Chip:

If you don't mind me asking, how do you balance being an owner of a bar
and at the same time carry the message to suffering alcoholics.

I know you can't discretley place "Are you an Alcoholic" pamphlets around
the bar, but it must cross your mind that somehow you could spread the
word to someone. It would mine anyway.

I know only an individual can say whether he/she is an alcoholic, but then
again it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if someone has a drinking problem. And where there is a bar, there is usually a drunk.

Just curious if you ever came across this situation.

Thanks
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Old 09-18-2006, 03:23 PM
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Hi Chip,

How are you doing today? Survive the weekend?

Best,
S
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Old 09-18-2006, 10:10 PM
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I'm feeling much better today.

I had a nice weekend, and 3 great AA meetings.

Hi Steve. Hi Irish.

Irish-
I'm in AA to save my own skin. I give of my time and try to help other alcoholics in the program and through the program. I can't make anyone get sober. I have a hard enough time staying sober myself. I havn't completed my steps yet, and I don't think I'm qualified to sponsor anybody. I try and practice my program at work, but I'm not out to preach or "save" anybody there. They arn't at a bar because they want help. If they want help, they can find help in the appropriate place (SR, AA, the hospitial etc...) Live and let live.

In my life, I try to practice attraction rather than promotion. There's been times, even before I quit drinking, when someone in the bar would speak to me about his/her drinking problem. I've always tried to help people, but I keep my anonyomity(sp?) at work. Why do I remain anonymous at work? Because there is a very good chance that I will fail and relapse. I don't want to give the program a bad name. Also, I don't go to work to talk about my personal problems with others. I do that at AA meetings. I've never met a barman who will spill his guts to his customers. You can't open youself up to that in this profession.

For the record, I have never seen anybody from the program at my place of business. Our customers are mostly college kids who havn't developed nasty problems yet..... We have a rapid turnaround in customers on any given day/night. It's rare when we have someone consume more that 6 drinks at our establishment. They usually start at our bar, then go dancing at a nightculb afterwards.

Alcohol is a useful and important part of society. It can be a good thing for people who don't have a problem. Just because I can't drink it, it doesn't mean others can't enjoy it. I really just see it as a job. I don't bring my personal life to work with me, and I intend on keeping it that way.

I agree that somebody who NEEDS help might end up at my bar. If they really WANT help, they arn't going to seek it at the bar. If AA were for people who NEED it, the meetings would have to be in stadiums and concert halls. I would love to help more people who WANT help. Although I'll find many people who NEED help in a bar, I'm going to have better luck finding people who WANT help in AA. At the end of the day, I've got to stay sober. I'm endangering my sobriety if I'm trying to help people who NEED help, but don't really WANT help.

Thanks for asking,
chip
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Old 09-19-2006, 06:11 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Chip, keep venting. I reckon half the time I have thoughts about all the people in my life that aren't doing things the way I think they should, it just gets better for me to say something out to other people somewhere. Whether I am right or wrong, that just doesn't matter, it helps me sort it all out by sharing how I am feeling about it. Of course, I have found that there is a right place to vent and a wrong way to vent. I have also found that if I want people around me to start being nicer, that if I start the ball rolling it is amazing how they actually follow. Practice that attraction thing at home, maybe swallow your frustrations there and just try to be the way that you want everyone there to be and maybe your wife will pick up on the behaviour.

One thing you said was that she and you got together because she accepted your drinking and drugging ... well that probably means that she is not perfect just the same as we aren't.

But at the end of the day, if we try all different things and nothing works then walking away is not a bad option. I have just ended my marriage because it really was not going to work with me being clean and him not. It is getting easier and better, but I did try a number of things to start with and sometimes I wish I could have kept trying. But well, what is done is done now and life is changing, I am sober and life is good.

Stay strong, hope sept goes quickly for you!!

peace and love
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Old 09-19-2006, 11:17 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Brigid-
You brought up some very important points. Fighting with my wife isn't good for my recovery. I'm working on not fighting back....it's hard, but it's possible. I'm working on my temper as well.

I've been venting in this thread, and it is just "my side" of the story. I hope people realize that.

I love my wife, but I hate the way she acts sometimes. Our net worth is so much better together, and our children are very important to us. Our relationship has to work out....we don't have any choice. Sometimes I feel like I work a bit harder on getting along than she does. I try not to "throw the first punch" in a fight with her.

My real problem is that when a punch is thrown, my nature is to punch back. These "punches" are metaphorical and not physical... I'm not a wife beater, and we don't have physical fights. What usually happens is she will launch a personal attack on me, and I will attack in return. I'm got to get better at not attacking in return. It's difficult because, as I mentioned earlier, I dont' feel like she has earned the right to be as mean as she is. If she was better in other areas of "wifehood", I could take her grouchy mood better...

There it is...I'm venting again.
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Old 09-20-2006, 04:27 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Our net worth is so much better together, and our children are very important to us. Our relationship has to work out....we don't have any choice"

"Why is divorce so expensive, because it's worth it" (Just a little humor for ya)

Chip,

As I said, I have been there. At one point, my wife would push and push until she got me sooo pissed that it even got physical a time or two. Then, after the blowup, when I would really blast her, she would be nice for a few days (even weeks, sometimes). One day I fugured it out, she started, and I said "I know what you want, and your not getting it", I smiled and disappeared into my shop. You wanna see pissed, she was beyound pissed. And that was the way I handled it from then on til the divorce. That was when I learned about enablers and purpatratures. I was enableing her by responding.

I'm not suggestion divorce, Lord knows I can tell ya the dark side of that with children, and you dont want to go there unless you really, really have to, but you have to get to the bottom of why she is the way she is.

It's not selfish to think of yourself and look out for yourself sometimes. I once told my Ex, she could be unhappy if she wanted, but she wasnt bringing me down there with her anymore. And that was a new beginning for me. My life is still a work in progress, but getting better each day.

Best to ya, Pal!

Steve
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Old 09-20-2006, 10:38 PM
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Hey Steve,
I have a shop as well, and it's where I go to have some "me" time.

My sponser tells me I shouldn't engage in the fights with her. I've got to get better at it.

Once when I went out to the shop to get away from her anger, she actually followed me outside. I begged her to leave me alone, but she kept screaming at me and calling me a loser.

We've made boundary rules since then. We don't ever fight in the bedroom. If she goes to the office, I leave her alone. If I go to my shop, she leaves me alone.

This is all pretty dark stuff. I do love the gal, and we are best friends. All this stuff we talk about is fine, but for me divorce isn't an option. I refuse to put my sons through it. I'll get a lobodomy first....

There are times where I feel like I deserve to have a woman who is nice to me. I remind myself why I ended up with my wife, and how my bad decisions affect others. I've built a family with this gal, and it was my choice. I've gotta learn how to deal with her. Not giving her the satisfaction of a fight is a stragedy I want to work on. From there, at the very worst, we will be able to maintain a civil household without yelling and cursing.
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Old 09-21-2006, 04:32 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Chip,

Nice to hear from you, it sounds like you have a lot more hope in your marriage than I did. Did I mention, my ex was bi-polar, pretty bad, at that, refused to even acknoledge the possiblity. Everything wrong with the relationship was my fault (Alcohol was not even anywhere near the top of the list, either...lol).

To this day, she will try to drag me in. TG for my wife to be there to remind me to shut it down as soon as it starts.

Keep praying, as we all know, the Lord works in mysterious ways! I'll always be the first to stand by that!

Take Care!

S
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Old 09-21-2006, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by chip
We've made boundary rules since then. We don't ever fight in the bedroom. If she goes to the office, I leave her alone. If I go to my shop, she leaves me alone.

This is all pretty dark stuff. I do love the gal, and we are best friends. All this stuff we talk about is fine, but for me divorce isn't an option. I refuse to put my sons through it. I'll get a lobodomy first....

There are times where I feel like I deserve to have a woman who is nice to me.
Hey Chip, that sounds really positive if you ask me!!! It means that there is a great deal of progress and a little bit of respect for each other starting to surface. The best friends thing is great too.... I think that changing behaviours is a hard thing to do and it doesn't happen over night. One year sober is still early days in my books. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am now and I accepted the gradual change because I wanted the changes to last for me.

You do deserve a woman who is nice and she deserves a man who is nice. I am sure you will work out how to lead the way. From what you say the alternative is not on your agenda, so have a dream and you will get there. Just maybe not tomorrow.

I found that I would get into these huge arguments with my kids and they were pretty ugly and certainly NOT the way I wanted my life to be. It just doesn't happen any more. Bit by bit it has all gotten better. But there have been times when it has been 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It helped everything enormously when I started to unemotionally acknowledge that they had a right to be upset with things I had done and that I wasn't perfect. Sort of helped them to do the same for themselves and then we have all just kept on getting better with accepting our negative behaviours and changing them. Being able to laugh at ourselves has also been a good thing.

peace, it will happen, keep on doing what you are doing.
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