brdlvr

I'm still on the Campral for the cravings. I guess it's working as I've not had a drink in over a week. I do feel more calm, more able to handle things. I got my lab results done. My liver and such is normal. The doctor was surprised given how much I told her I drank on the weekends. I am lucky - I do take milk thistle which may have helped ward off the effects of alcohol. I told my doctor that I know it's only a matter of time before I drink. That I cannot ever think of never drinking again of how I still want to be able to have wine at Thanksgiving, beer at crab feasts etc. I know though, from past experience, that it won't be one glass of wine at dinner, or one beer at special events. I told her I cannot relate to the stories I hear at AA - of women (and men) who lost it all or who almost did, of those that drank straight liquor out of the bottle, lied, of stealing, of letting family down etc. I was (am) a binge drinker, weekends, beer only. I know I'm a YET, I know alcohol is progressive, I know I'm an alcoholic due to not being able to stop when I drink, the blackouts, the mind telling me that I'm not an alcoholic, I know when ever anything bad has happened to me, alcohol was involved. I know to take it one day at a time, that it's ok to want a drink - just don't act on it, I know to hear the similarities not the differences at meetings. I know all this, but sometimes, like now - I think I'm still on the fence - I'm not one of those that say - "if you told me to stand on my head to get sober - I would". I don't feel that way. I'm bored and I want to go drink today. I know, I can go shopping, I can read, I can go visit family, I can walk my dogs in the rain. I know - but I don't want to do any of that. I am grateful for what I have - I know all this - but right now. Well you know where my mind is. At least I'm being honest

My doctor said I'm in denial - maybe I still am.

Brdlvr

2dayzmuse

It sounds like you are not ready to stop yet. If that is the case, most likely you will drink again. I appreciate your honesty. You've got to get to the point of wanting it before you can get it. I'm not trying to be obnoxious, but that is the gist of what I gathered from what you are saying. When you get to the point where drinking at Thanksgiving or drinking at Crab feeds doesn't matter anymore, than you are ready.

BigSis

(((BRDLVR))) I was never a daily drinker. I never stole to finance my drinking and I was a weekend binge drinker.

What I know is that I can't compare myself to where I wasn't... yet, but to where I was FROM. I wanted to be a successful working woman who managed her money well and to whom attractive, successfu men were attracted.

Ha!

Can't find those where *I* was hanging out.

I fell a looooong way from where I wanted to be.... looking down, and saying to myself, "but I'm not as bad as THAT!" did not help me. I needed to look up and see how far down I'd come.

In my program, when I start remembering the good stuff, my friends tell me to "play that tape ALL the way through...". Because I have a tendency to stop when the times are good, the lights are low and the music soft and appealing...


I tend to forget about waking in a strange bed, ralphing up a $50 dinner and wondering how I managed, ONCE AGAIN to spend my entire paycheck.

I agree with Muze, if you aren't ready.... you aren't ready. Though you might consider what it will take to get you ready... (((hugs)))

michski

That is good stuff.. for those of you still out there or inside a bottle Milk Thistle is the way to go.

(((brdlvr)))) You'll stop when you either need to or prefer feeling good to feeling sick and tired. The fact that you are here IS a beginning... you are confronting your denial whether you know it or not. That's Good! As they say in my language "Keep Coming Back" !

brdlvr

Thanks for the replies. I went to a meeting this afternoon - told just how I felt and all said to keep coming back, keep trying no matter what and yes, I may be in denial of just how bad it is and all.

I hate sitting home, I like the nightlife and that I know is not good for an alcoholic.

BSPGirl

You're doing well, get another dr.

Marte

brdlvr

Of course I'm not getting another doctor - she told me the truth no matter how much I didn't want to hear it - but thanks for the suggestion

michski

doorknob

It sounds like you're ambivalent, not in denial.

just1coke

sounds like you havent reached the point to where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.. -or- you simply dont care care about the concequences (health wise) [im not trying to sound negative, though it may come across that way]

Its completely up to you to decide. Its just like anything else, once you set your mind to it, you will want to stop and be successful in doing so. Or at least thats how its working for me.. sure I think about the past "good times" i've had, especially on holidays with the family. But I know that I'm strong enough and determined enough about my own personal goals that I've pushed aside the past few years not to drink.

As I've said before. Its a commitment, and anything worth doing usually isnt easy to do.

Don W

Whenuo're ready we'll be here. Of course, maybe you're ready and the denial is at work. Maybe that's why you're here. I just turned 58 the other day and have been in and out of recovery for about 24 years. I understand you're not where you hear others have been. Give yourself time, you'll get there if you keep drinking. It's all there waiting for us. Alcohol picks the time and place. Hope you decide to listen to your doctor. Anyway, We'll leave the light on for you. Don W

c'est la vie

One day soon you will WANT to feel clear headed, optimistic, healthy and living life to the fullest. When that day arrives you WILL NOT want to go drink. I hope that day is soon for the sake of your health and happiness.

I agree with Doorknob, that being here shows that you're not in as much denial as your doc suggests but rather you're fearing the unknown.

earlybird

Do you got to boogie? On the disco round? Oh yeah?

Seriously though. Actually,...you do seem to have honesty on your side. Which leads me to believe that when you DO get to the "standing on your head" point, you will be successful. Just remember,....you are an alcoholic. If you continue to drink, you are facing more and more inevidable problems. Legal, emotional, family, and health all will be affected. No amount of thisle, whisle or chisel, will help. Hope you get there soon! Bless you....

j'ade d'arcy

When I was playing around with getting sober, for about two years before my actual sobriety date, I spent alot of time telling myself that I just wanted to drink. So I did. And I drank some more, and things got progressively worse and I kept listening to the voice inside that just wanted more...because I was not ready to quit.

Then it became impossible to excuse my behaviour any longer, this realization that I had to quit or die did not make the voice inside stop asking for more....in fact....it got worse. It was up to me to make the choice, to make a logical choice of what to do with my life. I hated the first months of sobriety, people told me that it was because I was refusing to embrace a program of recovery. I told myself that it was because I simply hated not being able to drink. I think there is truth in both. For me, early sobriety was an exercise in confliction, confusion and denial. But the longer I stayed clean, the better I felt....I still wonder that such a simple concept was so difficult for me to understand. Stop drinking...stop hurting...stop drinking....stop craving. Simple right? Maybe now, but then...no, not so simple. Addiction is compelling, it is devious, and it will eat you alive if you let it. I didn't accept a program, I'm still sober and I can truthfully and with a smile on my face say that what I am living now was worth the terrible times I struggled with in early sobriety. For me, the pain of living without booze in the beginning is one of the best deterrents I've got to prevent picking up. I don't want to experience that again. I've done very little with my life that I respect, but becoming sober was a good start on the road to living a life that I am proud to call mine.

Everyone has their own reasons for choosing sobriety, I hope that you find yours.