amber98

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting. I'm not an alcoholic, but my ex is. He just broke up with me after eight long years together. I know I should be on some Al-Anon site but I need to get some perspective on my situation from people who are dealing with the disease or recovered from it.

First, my ex-boyfriend blames me for everything. He said, I’m a miserable person who makes him miserable. When he ended our relationship, I was driving home across country to be with him. To give you some history, we lived in Illinois for six years before we moved to Arizona for work. I always knew he was a heavy drinker but I had no idea he was in the middle of this horrible disease. Well, two and half years ago, we moved to Arizona. He hated his job and pretty much everything around him. Once we moved to AZ he had no problem seeking out other alcoholics. He's always had great radar when finding people to drink with. He developed a pattern of not coming home for days. He also started becoming paranoid and full of anger and resentment towards me. When we lived in Illinois and after the loss of his mother there were just a handful of times he didn't come home after work, but living in Arizona changed that. His drinking progressed dramatically living in a new state. Things just kept getting worse. I finally gave him an ultimatum to either get help or I'm leaving. He went to AA twice but gave up after those two times. His excuse was he didn't want to sit in a church and be lectured. He tried so many bargaining chips with me and I hung in there fighting even when I knew I shouldn't. I loved him so much (still do). Well, finally he landed a great job back in Illinois and things seemed to be getting back on track (so I thought). I was going to remain in Arizona while he was working in Illinois until we could afford enough money to purchase a house and to save for the move back home. I was away from him for six months. In those six months he lived with another alcoholic male, who is just as bad as he is. In the six months apart, he has progressed to the later stages of his disease. Friends and family kept asking him when he planned on moving me back to Illinois to be with him. His answer to them was always “soon”. He would tell everyone he loves me and plans on marrying me, but then he had no intentions of bringing me back home, or at least now he didn’t.

About three weeks ago, I'm driving 2,000 miles back to Illinois to be with him. I wanted to try and get our relationship back on track. I think he panicked or something because he told me hates me, he's not in love with me anymore and I'm the reason why he has nothing in life. I'm so heartbroken because I have put so much time and effort into our relationship. I just can't grasped what happened. What did I or did not do? Now, he tells me he will always love me and that he's not going anywhere. What the hell does that mean? He told me doesn't want anything with me, but he will take care of me forever. His family and friends (real friends) have tried to get him help but he denies he has a problem. The more people try to help him, the more he grows resentful towards me. Can you please tell me why he did this to me? Why am I left here feeling guilty? I'm starting to believe the reasons why he said he had left me. I know others around me tried to convince me it's him and not me. It's really hard though, he's so good at manipulating and controlling the situation. He's also the world’s greatest liar. Why do alcoholics inflict so much pain on their loved ones? Do they ever come to the realization the pain they've caused? Will I ever get closure from him? He is about to lose the greatest job he could ever have, but he doesn't care. Just like he doesn’t care that he lost the best thing in world (that’s me). His family and our friends know I was the best thing in the world for him, but I guess he didn’t care or see it. His boss/friend called me a few days ago and said, my ex is missing tons of work and he's going to have to fire him if he doesn't start following through. My ex is so angry and blames everyone for everything, especially me. I'm sure if he loses his job he'll blame me for that too.

Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate any advice - believe me!!!

Anna

You might like to check out our Friends and Families forum here at SR. You'll find lots of people in similar situations to yours on that forum.

CarolD

Welcome to SR...
I see you posted in the Friends & Family too.
Good idea.

Well.. Dump the drunk..love does not win over addiction.
You have invested 6 years in a bad situation.

Take care of you..

Music

Hi Amber,
'Nuf said!!! The SOB did you a favor. Like Carol said. Dump his a$$ and don't look back. If you give this one more second of your time, you're crazy and need more than Al-anon.

Grasshopper

Hi and welcome Amber.
Do you go to Al-anon?Its a great recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.The focus is on our own recovery.If someone tries to control me,and i let them,here is where the issue is 2 fold.Whats called His part/My own part in it all.This disease is often called the family diease.The alcoholic acts out,and others react.We dont have to live that way anymore,when we learn a new way.As one is learning/growing,through the 12 steps,one learns to make better decisions,in their lives.Read all that you can about alcoholism.It will give you insights to this disease.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,

buhda

THANKYOU AMBER You reminded me of me 2 yrs ago I acted just like him it took my wife leavin with the kids and another dui and 9 months in jail to wake me up and get me going on the sober path I would suggest goinng to some alanon meetings Illinois has lots of meetings. thanks again Aaron

brigid

Amber, best thing you can do for him is also the best thing you can do for you ... don't feel guilty ... look after you ... let him look after him. Time will tell if he can work out the truth of it all.

Meantime, look after yourself!!!

love and peace

FriendofBill

Friends,

I think what Amber is asking for here is "Why do alcoholics do what they do?". Can you guys share your experiences about what you used to do...why you lied, why you always blamed everyone else, why the inconsistentcy in behavior?

Im an Alanon, and those are the questions that I ALWAYS need to be reminded of......

Thanks

Islandchild

Alcoholics have been called "self-centered to the extreme." The need to control people, places, and things, while not the exclusive domain of alcoholics, is a very common characteristic of problem drinkers. Also, as in my own case, alcoholics tend to play the role of a victim and continually blame others for misery of their own making. I cannot tell you the "why" of these attributes, but they are very common in active drinkers. It has been explained to me that alcoholics cease to grow emotionally when they begin drinking. It sure made sense to me. I was 40 when I quit, and my first drink was at age 13. So, emotionally, I was a perpetual adolescent until I got sober! I sure acted the part, too. So, perhaps the "why" may be something as simple as stunted emotional maturity. I don't know if this helps, but this is what I have learned.
Leslie

WEE DEE

Think it's about time you started looking after YOURSELF.

If he always has you around to blame for his messed up life then he'll never have to look at himself.

Having previously lived with a drug addict I know through experience that you can't make someone change or stop using just because you want them to - no matter how right you think you are for them.

With booze I certainly didn't stay stopped for other people. It's only when I was hurting enough that I stopped drinking, I hope, for good.

Give him his marching order and go out and get yourself a life girl!!!!

D. xxx