Indirect resentful or frustration statement from sponsor
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: LA, CA
Posts: 55
Indirect resentful or frustration statement from sponsor
I have been sober for a few years and have not progressed too far beyond physical sobriety. I experience anxiety and dysthymia and while I am attending CBT sessions my progress there is also slow. My shame and fear come off as self-pity, which they are, but it doesn’t feel like it inside my brain. I have been avoiding things such as getting a job and even just volunteering. I fully understand why someone would be sick and tired of my bs. My sponsor is 27 years older than me and has never had depression or anxiety. She was a “high functioning” alcoholic who never fell out of working and socializing and the like, which is admirable. Though maybe beyond the step work, it indicates that we are not a match for helping each other beyond the stage of getting through the BB and the steps.
Anyway, we watched a Herb K zoom q&a and all the qs were from sponsors who were frustrated with their stuck sponsees. Interestingly these sponsors were around my sponsors age- 67. I wondered if their sponsors were younger and not reached the point in life were they are out f***s to give about x, y, and z. To get to the point after this zoom my sponsor said maybe we happened upon this because it was something we needed to discuss. I have felt her disappointment in me for a while but I’m afraid to confront it because in my family growing up verbal conflicts ended in going for the figurative jugular. Anyway, we kind of talked around but avoided dissolving our sponsorship. She quoted Maya Angelou, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Though she did leave out “the first time.” To me this reads as major resentment and calling someone a monster at worse and a waste of time at best. I don’t know if she said it hoping it would work as negative motivation or if I’m on very thin ice. Should I start preparing to end things amicably or stay and use it to spur into action and lean more heavily into my relationship with my HP and the maintenance steps?
PS I realize that 40 is not young and that I’m still immature and need to kick into action, but a 27 year gap is a parental age gap. I lived with family until age 36, it’s been hard to not feel like a child with her sometimes. I maybe using this as an excuse, perhaps somewhat unconsciously, to cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was the child who my mom made into a confidante and constantly overshared with me. I kind of froze my life to deal with the stress of my mom and my grandmother(both now dead), I’m still defrosting from that- I really failed at individuating. Maybe I need a sponsor that transformed out of similar experiences and has overcome or is managing anxiety and depression in a proactive way now.
Anyway, we watched a Herb K zoom q&a and all the qs were from sponsors who were frustrated with their stuck sponsees. Interestingly these sponsors were around my sponsors age- 67. I wondered if their sponsors were younger and not reached the point in life were they are out f***s to give about x, y, and z. To get to the point after this zoom my sponsor said maybe we happened upon this because it was something we needed to discuss. I have felt her disappointment in me for a while but I’m afraid to confront it because in my family growing up verbal conflicts ended in going for the figurative jugular. Anyway, we kind of talked around but avoided dissolving our sponsorship. She quoted Maya Angelou, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Though she did leave out “the first time.” To me this reads as major resentment and calling someone a monster at worse and a waste of time at best. I don’t know if she said it hoping it would work as negative motivation or if I’m on very thin ice. Should I start preparing to end things amicably or stay and use it to spur into action and lean more heavily into my relationship with my HP and the maintenance steps?
PS I realize that 40 is not young and that I’m still immature and need to kick into action, but a 27 year gap is a parental age gap. I lived with family until age 36, it’s been hard to not feel like a child with her sometimes. I maybe using this as an excuse, perhaps somewhat unconsciously, to cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was the child who my mom made into a confidante and constantly overshared with me. I kind of froze my life to deal with the stress of my mom and my grandmother(both now dead), I’m still defrosting from that- I really failed at individuating. Maybe I need a sponsor that transformed out of similar experiences and has overcome or is managing anxiety and depression in a proactive way now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
Your sponsor isn't your life coach or therapist. They can give you suggestions and their perspective, but it's up to you to whether you take the suggestion on or not. Maybe, as you say, "lean more heavily into my relationship with my HP and the maintenance steps" regardless and see what happens. The program of AA is meant to help us rely on our HP rather than sponsors, meetings etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: LA, CA
Posts: 55
I’m definitely overthinking it, I’m constantly realizing or having it pointed out that I have to release the desire to rely on external validation, instead of relying on my personal relationship with my HP and do my part with the step work. Thanks.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I don`t look at age of sponsor / sponsee
I have had 2 sponsors who was much older than I am.They helped me a lot.My present sponsor is 2 years older than I am.I asked him top be my sponsor because of
his knowledge and experience with the program.He lives it daily I believe.
I was 20 years sober and I was struggling with depression,anger,fear etc
I was about to walk away from AA when I met my present day sponsor..
He took me thru the steps in the big book at a in depth evel and now my depression and anxiety are gone.I have reached a level of emotional soberiety I did not know exited.
What he did was use a method called the Hyannsis method.It is a in depth walk thru the book and steps.Very structred and discliplined.Herb Uses some of it,really most of it.
I suggest looking into it and see what you think.Maybe talk with a few people involved in it.It is the best I seen since I came into AA in 1988
The meetings are called Big Book Step Study meetings.,usually on the East Coast or in the Northeast.USA
bbstepstudy,org has a list of meetings and times in case you are interested.best wishes to you
pm me if I can give futher info!.
I have had 2 sponsors who was much older than I am.They helped me a lot.My present sponsor is 2 years older than I am.I asked him top be my sponsor because of
his knowledge and experience with the program.He lives it daily I believe.
I was 20 years sober and I was struggling with depression,anger,fear etc
I was about to walk away from AA when I met my present day sponsor..
He took me thru the steps in the big book at a in depth evel and now my depression and anxiety are gone.I have reached a level of emotional soberiety I did not know exited.
What he did was use a method called the Hyannsis method.It is a in depth walk thru the book and steps.Very structred and discliplined.Herb Uses some of it,really most of it.
I suggest looking into it and see what you think.Maybe talk with a few people involved in it.It is the best I seen since I came into AA in 1988
The meetings are called Big Book Step Study meetings.,usually on the East Coast or in the Northeast.USA
bbstepstudy,org has a list of meetings and times in case you are interested.best wishes to you
pm me if I can give futher info!.
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