audreas

My husband's in prison. I've been working with my sponsor and I've done my fourth step. He says he has every right to see it and it's not a control thing. He says he wants to know everything about me is why. I'm stuck cause I told him I wouldn't send it but he's really upset. My sponsor says to stick to my decision. This is hard. What can I say to him to ease his mind? He thinks I'm being sneaky or hiding something from him.

courage2

Don't show it to him. He doesn't have every right to see it and it *is* a control thing. Tell him you won't talk about the subject at all. Period. Be strong, stay sober.

SparkleKitty

You are allowed to have personal boundaries, even with your husband.

Gottalife

I took my fourth step over forty years ago. I still have it amongst my other important documents and I use it as a bit of a measuring stick as to how I am doing, though I have not looked at it in quite a while.

Mine is an inventory of my character defects, setting out the things in my character that caused my failure to stay sober. It helped me to see how my attitudes and reactions to life set me up to fail. There is nothing in it that would hurt anyone else, nor anything incriminating. It is not a written fifth step.

I needed to keep this step for further work on the program too. So I was careful how I wrote it so that it would not cause any hurt or problems if someone should discover and read it.
If you consider that step four will be discussed as part of step five, thought it is not step five in itself, take a look at what the big book has to say. First it is your choice who hears your fifth step. Second, you may choose a family member, but if you do you should omit parts that may hurt them and share those parts with someone else. "We have no right to save our own skin at the expense of someone else. Such parts of our story we tell to someone else who will understand yet be unaffected."
Having said all of that, I never heard of a partner insisting on seeing a fourth step, and I would be very suspicious of the motivation. You have every right to keep it private. Your sponsor may be giving you good advice. What did you hear when you asked your God about this?

audreas

What go I think about what my higher power says? He's telling me I'm doing right and it's not my husband's place to read it. I won't hire my past but he has no use for it but I great to hold over my head someday

Db1105

My sponsor told me after I finished my Fifth Step that all the was in the Fourth Step was between me and my Higher Power. He suggested that I burn it, which I did. The other Fourth Steps I’ve done over the years I also sent up in flames. I did keep my amends list though I have no idea where that got to.

Tommyh

no way I would let him see it,don`t talk to him anymore about it...if he brings it up,change the subject or something..I`ve seen 2 divorces because someone read the others 4th step and several trips to jail before those divorces.One woman even had hers brought up in court concerning a child custody case

uncle holmes

Absolutely not! Do not show your husband your 4th step! He should respect your decision! Do not let him intimidate you about that!

least

It IS a 'control thing' on his part. Being in prison he has no control over his life so he wants to have some control over yours. Do not give in to his unreasonable demand.

I agree with burning it. Burn it and tell him you burned it and it's now between you and your Maker.

TiredCarpenter

I guess the answer lies with you.
What feelings would you experience if you caved and showed it?
Regret. Non-empowered, maybe some powerlessness. Eventually resentment. NO.......NO. NO. NO. These feelings are definitely NO BUENO for an alcoholic.
HE HAS ABSOLUTELY no business seeing YOUR fourth step.
I love what least said above involving flame. Some great advice.
Please dont rush into a step five over this. I have found (the hard way) it is VERY important to find a very sound, understanding, 12 step informed, person for this.
Take good care of yourself. You are doing the right things.

Grungehead

This pretty much sums up my thoughts on the subject. My 4th step did not go into the details that I got into in my 5th step that I took with my sponsor, yet I would not want to share it with anyone who was on it. Although most of those on my 4th step did get a personal amends from me at some point which kind of made them seeing my 4th step a moot point.

Gottalife

Audreas, that is a great example of how the program is meant to work. Check with HP, run answer past another human being just to check that self will is not part of the equation, and the solution makes sense, then take (or not take in this case) the indicated action.
Grungehead also makes a great point above as regards your amends to your husband. That will have come from your fourth step, so in a sense he will get to know what he needs to know from that.
I wish you all the best with this and I think you are handling it all just as suggested in our book.

Ken33xx

My opinion? He has no right at all to read what you wrote. Zero. The fact he's pulling this power play is disturbing.

Don't show him the 4th step and he'll never let it go. Let him read it and if he finds something upsetting he'll never let that go.

You're in a no-win situation.

aasharon90

I'll share my experience here too. It was explained to me to do my step work with my sponsor or someone you trust.


It was my family who placed me into the hands of those capable of teaching me about my addiction and hand me a program of recovery to incorporate in all my affairs.


This recovery work belongs to me. The rest of the family went on about their daily business and it was I who worked to repair the damages made due to my drinking and behavior.


I followed the protocol of how to work my steps and when it was time to make my amends, I did it to the best of my human ability as to not rush into it to hurt another.

My step work is done between my sponsor, someone I trust and my Higher Power. This is a personal journey, personal responsibility, personal achievement and will do anything needed to protect it.

sugarbear1

Have you worked through step 7 yet?

BeABetterMan

Up to you, but hell no he doesn't have a right. Absolutely a control thing. Sounds like he's pretty sick. Protect yourself.

sugarbear1

I only jotted reminders and mini notes on my 4th step to remind me what to discuss during my 5th step conversation.

This way, no one will know what it means when they find it!

Freedom1990

I learned a long time ago that it wasn't up to me to ease anyone's mind. How people feel/react to something I said or did is on them,not me. I was married to a convicted felon and he was very controlling. Protect your sobriety like a precious seed because it surely is. Warm hugs of support from Kansas!

NancyS

No Way