Get sponsored after eight months?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
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Get sponsored after eight months?
I dunno, a couple of people were on at me at tonight's meeting to just get a damn sponsor already. The thing is I am fairly socially anxious and have clinical OCD (which is mostly a disorder of doubt, guilt and shame, which makes the whole process extra volatile/risky to my mental health). It's tricky anyway, but I suppose feasible.
But then there's the Higher Power thing. Spiritually-speaking I am something of a Taoist - I guess - but that's about my limit, and there's certainly no God who could remove my shortcomings involved. It would be like asking the flow of a river to make me be less selfish.
It seems absurd. Also I have some OCD issues with religion in general and that's a whole other ball game. And finally I have trust issues and don't like what I've read about some sponsor-sponsee relations.
But I dunno, I like the people and the meetings I go to, and actually do now appreciate all the slogans and general stuff I hear there. And I have been in a pretty deep depression for months, so part of me is I guess willing? And I can totally appreciate the idea of the spiritual aspect, just without completely believing in it. And having a sponsor I guess could be okay.
Well, you see my reticence anyway...
But then there's the Higher Power thing. Spiritually-speaking I am something of a Taoist - I guess - but that's about my limit, and there's certainly no God who could remove my shortcomings involved. It would be like asking the flow of a river to make me be less selfish.
It seems absurd. Also I have some OCD issues with religion in general and that's a whole other ball game. And finally I have trust issues and don't like what I've read about some sponsor-sponsee relations.
But I dunno, I like the people and the meetings I go to, and actually do now appreciate all the slogans and general stuff I hear there. And I have been in a pretty deep depression for months, so part of me is I guess willing? And I can totally appreciate the idea of the spiritual aspect, just without completely believing in it. And having a sponsor I guess could be okay.
Well, you see my reticence anyway...
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Why not - and yes, we often look for any way to avoid taking the help offered. Worst case scenario you learn a little and get to know another fellow AA'er a little better. Best case scenario you transform your life.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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My thoughts are that it could be the best thing you could do, and certainly a good thing for where you are now. An official sponsor, and working the steps, OR baby steps with making real friends in the program. That part took me awhile- it's something folks told me would be super valuable and it definitely is. I have a number of people I can talk to or ask about x or y, kind of like having a number of "real life" friends I connect with differently, if you will.
I believe that progress (not perfection, in the lingo
) is really the key in all areas. So staying sober, first, and making the "next right choice" in everything: going up to one person after a meeting to say hi, or asking for a temporary sponsor (common here), or another small but big step....starting place?
Proud of your journey.
I believe that progress (not perfection, in the lingo
) is really the key in all areas. So staying sober, first, and making the "next right choice" in everything: going up to one person after a meeting to say hi, or asking for a temporary sponsor (common here), or another small but big step....starting place?Proud of your journey.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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If I pay attention to the message of the twelve steps, instead of focusing on the words, I see ways to dovetail the twelve steps with Taoist beliefs.
There was something undifferentiated and yet complete, which existed before Heaven and Earth. Soundless and formless, it depends on nothing and does not change. It operates everywhere and is free from danger. It may be considered the mother of the universe. I do not know its name; I call it Tao. Lao Tzu
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Lao Tzu
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
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Tetrax,
i started the search for my way in AA after about 4 years sober, and the stepwork later than that.
so i took time to choose who appeared as the “right”sponsorperson. someone not pushing god of THEIR understanding. someone respectful of my trust issues. who respected the obstacles i put in my own way (which really are mostly all mentioned in the BB already).
god as i understand god does not need to remove anything; i need to be willing to have things removed.
in any case, you are not at that step.
you’d start with 1, and explore your understanding of a power greater than yourself in step2.
i started the search for my way in AA after about 4 years sober, and the stepwork later than that.
so i took time to choose who appeared as the “right”sponsorperson. someone not pushing god of THEIR understanding. someone respectful of my trust issues. who respected the obstacles i put in my own way (which really are mostly all mentioned in the BB already).
god as i understand god does not need to remove anything; i need to be willing to have things removed.
in any case, you are not at that step.
you’d start with 1, and explore your understanding of a power greater than yourself in step2.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by August252015 
OR baby steps with making real friends in the program. That part took me awhile- it's something folks told me would be super valuable and it definitely is. I have a number of people I can talk to or ask about x or y, kind of like having a number of "real life" friends I connect with differently, if you will.
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Maybe try Men for Sobriety, Life Ring, SOS, SMART, AVRT, or some other program of recovery. Something will help you out!!
But AA seems to be the most practical one for making connections/getting beyond oneself, which is what I most need at this point.
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I think you are onto something, maybe more than you think Tetrax. One thing that jumped out at me in your last comment: finding SMART kinda soulless. That says to me (and I do feel a bit the same way about it) that you are already seeking or intuitively connecting to something "bigger than you"....
And the rooms of AA, as we say, are indeed meant to be a community. I don't know that anyone truly believes everything the BB or program suggests, even those who subscribe to it "fully," as we are thinking creatures and don't ingest everything in life as clicking with us. So taking what you want and leaving the rest, another suggestion and saying, is something I believe applies in the area of a HP - indeed, why it is clearly said that it's a "God" of your understanding.
I subscribe to the spiritual malady part yet nearly as significantly, the practical and behavioral and emotional suggestions of the program guide me every day.
Also....I don't really sponsor. Officially, anyway, and in AA. I spend a lot of time with folks outside the rooms and so far, one on one sponsorship has been something I am approachable about but haven't done beyond one person til step 3. So again, taking suggestions and acting on them as we will, applies.
And the rooms of AA, as we say, are indeed meant to be a community. I don't know that anyone truly believes everything the BB or program suggests, even those who subscribe to it "fully," as we are thinking creatures and don't ingest everything in life as clicking with us. So taking what you want and leaving the rest, another suggestion and saying, is something I believe applies in the area of a HP - indeed, why it is clearly said that it's a "God" of your understanding.
I subscribe to the spiritual malady part yet nearly as significantly, the practical and behavioral and emotional suggestions of the program guide me every day.
Also....I don't really sponsor. Officially, anyway, and in AA. I spend a lot of time with folks outside the rooms and so far, one on one sponsorship has been something I am approachable about but haven't done beyond one person til step 3. So again, taking suggestions and acting on them as we will, applies.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
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" But now being sober, to me alcoholism does feel more like something of a spiritual malady - even if I struggle with actually getting into that stuff - rather than purely us needing to simply readjust our neural pathways over time or whatever. "
yes, that was my experience also.
yes, that was my experience also.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
We were all seeking a synthetic psuedo spiritual experience when we commenced to drink.
Its why we drank ... full stop.
Try putting "Whenever I drank alcohol" in front of some of the 9th Step promises.
Whenever I drank alcohol ... I am going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
Whenever I drank alcohol Fear of people and of economic insecurity would leave me.
Whenever I drank alcohol I would suddenly realize that alcohol is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
BUT ... it turns on us, stops working, but we keep at it anyway, trying to get that now elusive old feeling back.
The AA program will do for us slowly what alcohol used to do instantly, before it stopped working for us.
So we've always been spiritual in nature, we just backed the wrong spirit.
Its why we drank ... full stop.
Try putting "Whenever I drank alcohol" in front of some of the 9th Step promises.
Whenever I drank alcohol ... I am going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
Whenever I drank alcohol Fear of people and of economic insecurity would leave me.
Whenever I drank alcohol I would suddenly realize that alcohol is doing for me what I could not do for myself.
BUT ... it turns on us, stops working, but we keep at it anyway, trying to get that now elusive old feeling back.
The AA program will do for us slowly what alcohol used to do instantly, before it stopped working for us.
So we've always been spiritual in nature, we just backed the wrong spirit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Well I've been thinking a lot about this stuff the last few days - even dreamed about it last night - and thanks for the replies. I think I wanna go ahead, keep an eye out for a sponsor, find a way to at least attempt to work these steps. I can't take much more of the depression I've been in anyway.
I've got housing stuff to deal with in the immediate future but in my next meetings I will be more willing and open. I've always thought of myself as the lone wolf type but I'm getting sick of it now, to be honest.
I've got housing stuff to deal with in the immediate future but in my next meetings I will be more willing and open. I've always thought of myself as the lone wolf type but I'm getting sick of it now, to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
There is a way to work your steps without
being connected at the hip of a sponsor. Workbooks.
They are available to purchase and to use with
your Big Book and Step Book.
I went to a many Step Studies to learn how to
work and live them in my own life. The answers
are in both of those books, listening in meetings,
asking questions and when it's time to do your
5th step, find someone you feel comfortable
with and share it there.
It's not that hard if you continue to do the footwork
and remain sober to achieve many of lifes amazing
gifts.
being connected at the hip of a sponsor. Workbooks.
They are available to purchase and to use with
your Big Book and Step Book.
I went to a many Step Studies to learn how to
work and live them in my own life. The answers
are in both of those books, listening in meetings,
asking questions and when it's time to do your
5th step, find someone you feel comfortable
with and share it there.
It's not that hard if you continue to do the footwork
and remain sober to achieve many of lifes amazing
gifts.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I made it about 6 or 9 months on my own as well. I was just starting to like meetings....not all of them, but some of them. Then I started to discover for myself that I wasn't really all that content. I'd be OK at the meeting but my typical day dry, with x-months, wasn't all THAT much different than it was before I got sober - only now I wasn't drinking.
I suppose "not drinking" could be enough for some ppl but it wasn't for me. I wanted to find a way past all the guilt and shame in my life, I wanted to not be so fearful, I wanted to not dislike/hate so many ppl - basically, I wanted to change. Thankfully I had some quite strong recovered ppl around me and they impressed upon me the idea that while I was doing better, I wasn't REALLY in recovery....and that there's a difference between being dry from drinking and being in recovery from alcoholism.
I started to learn that the drinking was just a symptom....... and unless I treated the source, the root of the problem (things like selfishness, self-centerdness, the desire to play God, and so on) my time alcohol free was probably limited. And even if I didn't drink, I was unlikely to really find much peace and serenity in my life the way I was living it. "Fortunately for you," they went on to say, "we have a set of instructions to follow that guarantee you a life you'll enjoy, serenity, and freedom from most of the things that are bugging you." Of course, that sounded far fetched but staying as I was wasn't an option I liked.... so I figured I should probably actually work the 12 steps. Once I decided that, decided to start doing the steps in AA - something I'd never done before - it became clear I didn't really know HOW to do them. That being the case, it made sense to me to get a coach....a guide......someone with experience in the steps who could advise me. To me, that just made common sense.
Truth is, I didn't necessarily "want" to have a sponsor........and being eternally self-centered - it was almost beyond comprehension to do anything that I didn't "want" to do. But, like I said, the alternatives weren't working any longer.
Ultimately, I don't think it's absolutely necessary to have a sponsor. The question isn't do I HAVE to have one but it's more along the lines of, "would it help or not to have one?" Considering my life is on the line here (if I'm alcoholic), it stands to reason that I should avail myself of every opportunity for success that I can get.
I suppose "not drinking" could be enough for some ppl but it wasn't for me. I wanted to find a way past all the guilt and shame in my life, I wanted to not be so fearful, I wanted to not dislike/hate so many ppl - basically, I wanted to change. Thankfully I had some quite strong recovered ppl around me and they impressed upon me the idea that while I was doing better, I wasn't REALLY in recovery....and that there's a difference between being dry from drinking and being in recovery from alcoholism.
I started to learn that the drinking was just a symptom....... and unless I treated the source, the root of the problem (things like selfishness, self-centerdness, the desire to play God, and so on) my time alcohol free was probably limited. And even if I didn't drink, I was unlikely to really find much peace and serenity in my life the way I was living it. "Fortunately for you," they went on to say, "we have a set of instructions to follow that guarantee you a life you'll enjoy, serenity, and freedom from most of the things that are bugging you." Of course, that sounded far fetched but staying as I was wasn't an option I liked.... so I figured I should probably actually work the 12 steps. Once I decided that, decided to start doing the steps in AA - something I'd never done before - it became clear I didn't really know HOW to do them. That being the case, it made sense to me to get a coach....a guide......someone with experience in the steps who could advise me. To me, that just made common sense.
Truth is, I didn't necessarily "want" to have a sponsor........and being eternally self-centered - it was almost beyond comprehension to do anything that I didn't "want" to do. But, like I said, the alternatives weren't working any longer.
Ultimately, I don't think it's absolutely necessary to have a sponsor. The question isn't do I HAVE to have one but it's more along the lines of, "would it help or not to have one?" Considering my life is on the line here (if I'm alcoholic), it stands to reason that I should avail myself of every opportunity for success that I can get.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Strongly echo what dri guy said. "Doing it alone" is not what I needed or would have been becoming my BEST self as when I first started AA. Meetings are not the program and indeed, actually working the program is the way most of us find our best shot at our best lives.
Side note: I am sponsor-less right now. I'm headed to 4 yrs on 2/21/20 and over the past year have had a sponsor I broke up w after 2 1/2 yrs, one who is a close friend still but for medical reasons felt she couldn't give me that role in a committed way, and one that didn't need another sponsee when she took me on. I am going to find one this year. Now that I am out and about after back surgery, I believe I need to go to new meetings not in my rotation to meet someone to ask.
Also....there's really no good or beneficial reason to do this completely alone. I just see it making things harder and honestly, I needed someone who turn on the lightbulbs for me. Still do
Oh and I believe in workbooks and indeed the 12& 12 book is terrific. 12 step meetings can be an excellent way to progress one week at a time, meeting wise.
Side note: I am sponsor-less right now. I'm headed to 4 yrs on 2/21/20 and over the past year have had a sponsor I broke up w after 2 1/2 yrs, one who is a close friend still but for medical reasons felt she couldn't give me that role in a committed way, and one that didn't need another sponsee when she took me on. I am going to find one this year. Now that I am out and about after back surgery, I believe I need to go to new meetings not in my rotation to meet someone to ask.
Also....there's really no good or beneficial reason to do this completely alone. I just see it making things harder and honestly, I needed someone who turn on the lightbulbs for me. Still do
Oh and I believe in workbooks and indeed the 12& 12 book is terrific. 12 step meetings can be an excellent way to progress one week at a time, meeting wise.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
i found that God can pick a much better sponsor than I can...... so I'd strongly recommend asking God for the insight to recognize what His will is. No surprise, when I turned over the final decision to God.....and I focused on looking for the person and checking in with God on the regular, they popped up pretty quickly. 
Good for you Tetrax. I know even talking about it is tough so you're to be commended for trying to engage in the process. That type of honesty and action will serve your recovery VERY well.
Good for you Tetrax. I know even talking about it is tough so you're to be commended for trying to engage in the process. That type of honesty and action will serve your recovery VERY well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Whatever your decision, don't let someone bully you into something you're not yet comfortable with. The experience could turn you off from getting a sponsor for a long time if you just rush into it and get someone you don't click with.
I attended a new meeting on Friday night and someone basically bum rushed me after the meeting and started insisting I get a sponsor immediately. I told him I'm attending several different meetings and seeing which one I'm most comfortable with and I'll make that my Home group. Or maybe my home group is determined by a sponsor I feel I would click with.
I met one tonight. When I heard him share, it was like listening to myself. Hyper rational, logical, doesn't let feelings out easy, and is not a Christian. Though he told me to call him any time, as a University Professor, he doesn't have the time right now to dedicate himself to be a good sponsor. One of the other members pointing me in his direction because they knew I wanted someone who wasn't a devout religious person. So I'll ask around at other meetings if any of the sponsors are people who lean agnostic or use some Higher Power that isn't the text book "God" that most AA people use.
But I won't just take any old sponsor if I think our personalities are going to clash and I won't let someone who doesn't even know me force me into something I don't like. Some AA members can be overly zealous and thus abrasive.
I say go at your own pace and if that's baby steps, so be it.
I attended a new meeting on Friday night and someone basically bum rushed me after the meeting and started insisting I get a sponsor immediately. I told him I'm attending several different meetings and seeing which one I'm most comfortable with and I'll make that my Home group. Or maybe my home group is determined by a sponsor I feel I would click with.
I met one tonight. When I heard him share, it was like listening to myself. Hyper rational, logical, doesn't let feelings out easy, and is not a Christian. Though he told me to call him any time, as a University Professor, he doesn't have the time right now to dedicate himself to be a good sponsor. One of the other members pointing me in his direction because they knew I wanted someone who wasn't a devout religious person. So I'll ask around at other meetings if any of the sponsors are people who lean agnostic or use some Higher Power that isn't the text book "God" that most AA people use.
But I won't just take any old sponsor if I think our personalities are going to clash and I won't let someone who doesn't even know me force me into something I don't like. Some AA members can be overly zealous and thus abrasive.
I say go at your own pace and if that's baby steps, so be it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
I just wanted to say I love what everyone has said. I can definitely relate, as I have tremendous social anxiety and suffer from chronic depression. I stepped away from AA for about six years because of it. Well, not just AA, but life in general. I am trying to rejoin life, and have wanted to get a new sponsor and do the steps again.
I mentioned to someone after a meeting that I didn't have a sponsor and she volunteered. It definitely is out of my comfort zone, but my comfort zone hasn't usually served me well. I am very anxious about working with her; I do not know her well. When she volunteered, I told her I needed someone who was not going to condemn me for being on psych meds and who was willing to let me do the steps with my concurrent addictions in mind as well as alcohol (cutting and bulimia). I was actually pretty proud of myself for speaking up about that. But I am really nervous.
So thank you for sharing; you've given me some courage.
I mentioned to someone after a meeting that I didn't have a sponsor and she volunteered. It definitely is out of my comfort zone, but my comfort zone hasn't usually served me well. I am very anxious about working with her; I do not know her well. When she volunteered, I told her I needed someone who was not going to condemn me for being on psych meds and who was willing to let me do the steps with my concurrent addictions in mind as well as alcohol (cutting and bulimia). I was actually pretty proud of myself for speaking up about that. But I am really nervous.
So thank you for sharing; you've given me some courage.
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