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Struggling with this "resentment", or maybe just super self-righteous.

Old 12-03-2019, 04:04 PM
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Struggling with this "resentment", or maybe just super self-righteous.

A few of my family members whole life and perspective is based on Church/Bible. They persistently try to convert me. I believe it's attraction rather than promotion and that God helps those who can help themselves.

I have continued to ignore them when topic comes up or change topics. But the conversion talk is not is not stopping. When I refuse to allow them to pray for me (with me there), or refuse to say grace, they claim they "love" me and "God bless" me; but they know absolutely nothing about me except the mis-information my parents (on rare occasions by the way, when I was absent during my using day) relayed to them.

When I briefly mentioned to my cousin that I make 12-step meetings he rolled his eyes and gave a demeaning smirk. When I went on Holiday with my Aunt, she did things long-winded prayers before each drive, but continued to drive 85 mph while switching lanes. It's not just he family, I was a practicing Buddhist for a few years and left when I was not encouraged to stop taking meds or leave in therapy; and I had a Muslim NA sponsor who told me it's about change and that I had to get off my meds to be clean. All these beliefs seem very hocus-pocus to me and condescending.


I guess the gift of recovery is that I show up, and have more patience and tolerance. I coming to I guess. I notice the part I played. Yes I wish there was a magical quick way to get off psych meds. Yes i wish I had an easier life, inward and outward; and maybe Jesus could help. Yes I'm sensitive and impressionable without really sticking up for myself because I'm guilty and ashamed of still abusing tobacco. But i'm in a depressed funk and no longer feel good about my own spirituality. I'm starting to isolate and feel hopeless again (I'm eating/smoking like crazy again).


My therapist and sponsor told me not to let people rent space in my head, and the most important thing are my career goals/caretaking for cancer patient (my mom). If they aren't paying rent or providing food, F them. But I do not want that perspective, because that's like rooted in more anger and hatred.

anybody have this experience around year 4/5 or sobriety. I feel like my life speaks for itself where I do not need these types of comments or direction.
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Old 12-03-2019, 04:11 PM
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Also, I truthfully believe I'm happy that they found a HP that works for them. It's not perfect, but I really appreciate the time we spend with each other and their presence in my life. I think I may still have issues with the God word. I think I want more respect and healthier boundaries.
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Old 12-03-2019, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by One23 View Post
I was a practicing Buddhist for a few years and left when I was encouraged to stop taking meds andleave in therapy
.
typed that part wrong. cooking and posting at the same time.
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Old 12-03-2019, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by One23 View Post
A few of my family members whole life and perspective is based on Church/Bible. They persistently try to convert me. I believe it's attraction rather than promotion and that God helps those who can help themselves.

I have continued to ignore them when topic comes up or change topics. But the conversion talk is not is not stopping. When I refuse to allow them to pray for me (with me there), or refuse to say grace, they claim they "love" me and "God bless" me; but they know absolutely nothing about me except the mis-information my parents (on rare occasions by the way, when I was absent during my using day) relayed to them.

When I briefly mentioned to my cousin that I make 12-step meetings he rolled his eyes and gave a demeaning smirk. When I went on Holiday with my Aunt, she did things long-winded prayers before each drive, but continued to drive 85 mph while switching lanes. It's not just he family, I was a practicing Buddhist for a few years and left when I was not encouraged to stop taking meds or leave in therapy; and I had a Muslim NA sponsor who told me it's about change and that I had to get off my meds to be clean. All these beliefs seem very hocus-pocus to me and condescending.


I guess the gift of recovery is that I show up, and have more patience and tolerance. I coming to I guess. I notice the part I played. Yes I wish there was a magical quick way to get off psych meds. Yes i wish I had an easier life, inward and outward; and maybe Jesus could help. Yes I'm sensitive and impressionable without really sticking up for myself because I'm guilty and ashamed of still abusing tobacco. But i'm in a depressed funk and no longer feel good about my own spirituality. I'm starting to isolate and feel hopeless again (I'm eating/smoking like crazy again).


My therapist and sponsor told me not to let people rent space in my head, and the most important thing are my career goals/caretaking for cancer patient (my mom). If they aren't paying rent or providing food, F them. But I do not want that perspective, because that's like rooted in more anger and hatred.

anybody have this experience around year 4/5 or sobriety. I feel like my life speaks for itself where I do not need these types of comments or direction.
Personally, I think it is is healthy that I stay on civil terms with my siblings and other family members. I'm not going to pretend I can write them off and not be affected. There is just too much history.

But this doesn't mean I can't set up boundaries. I understand when I get together with family members buttons will be pushed. However, because I am sober I can navigate the situation, leave and then complain to my wife on the way home.

Point is I didn't say anything that I regret and I won't see any of them again for another couple of years.

Which is fine by me.
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Old 12-04-2019, 11:46 AM
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One23,
I understand your frustration. All I know for sure in my life is that AA got and kept me sober and its the one sure thing in my life. For me its the program and the varying personalities, my personality is something I am dealing with daily and my acceptance and non reaction has made noticeable progress. I listen to my HP, I do trust the program and it is said if you need meds and the doctor prescribes meds then you take them. AA supports this, it is in the Big Book.

It looks like you have a lot to deal with but hang in there you do have the strength, you have stayed clean for a number of years.
All the very best to you
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Old 12-04-2019, 12:49 PM
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Hi One23. While I'm not an alcoholic (not sure why I always feel I need to make that disclaimer but I do lol) as I was reading your post I was thinking - boundaries, which you then mentioned.

There is a book that is often recommended in the Friends and Family forum here - Codependent no more - by Melody Beattie. You might find it helpful. To be sure I am not implying you are codependent or not, I don't know you! Just that there is a lot of good information in there about relationship dynamics and boundaries, that you might find useful.
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Old 12-09-2019, 04:17 PM
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Thanks for your replies and shared experiences.

I thought I was codependent (because everyone is to some extent), particularly because of my past reactions mentioned in Melody's book. One therapist said I was, another one said it was more narcissism than codependency (I worked with him much longer). Part of what goes on with me is that I've been incapable so far to maintain my own identity and I set goals based on other people's approval; so standing up for myself or setting boundaries is tricky for me. I just feel wrong all the time. I get easily swayed into different directions and get mad when I do not receive the treatment I believe I deserve for submitting.

Gonna start to keep things civil and light around these folks. I have enough people to talk to on a more intimate levels. I have enough work to do on myself to really worry about others. Right now I'm just really grateful the darkness is diminishing and that I'm stepping out the isolation.
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Old 12-13-2019, 01:53 AM
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When I run into folk hat tick me off I try to apply what I learnt when I took the fourth step. It has proved extremely effective, why don't you give it a try?
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Old 01-15-2020, 08:35 PM
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Its easier to just not get them in the first place.
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Old 01-19-2020, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by One23 View Post
A few of my family members whole life and perspective is based on Church/Bible. They persistently try to convert me. I believe it's attraction rather than promotion and that God helps those who can help themselves.

I have continued to ignore them when topic comes up or change topics. But the conversion talk is not is not stopping. When I refuse to allow them to pray for me (with me there), or refuse to say grace, they claim they "love" me and "God bless" me; but they know absolutely nothing about me except the mis-information my parents (on rare occasions by the way, when I was absent during my using day) relayed to them.

When I briefly mentioned to my cousin that I make 12-step meetings he rolled his eyes and gave a demeaning smirk. When I went on Holiday with my Aunt, she did things long-winded prayers before each drive, but continued to drive 85 mph while switching lanes. It's not just he family, I was a practicing Buddhist for a few years and left when I was not encouraged to stop taking meds or leave in therapy; and I had a Muslim NA sponsor who told me it's about change and that I had to get off my meds to be clean. All these beliefs seem very hocus-pocus to me and condescending.


I guess the gift of recovery is that I show up, and have more patience and tolerance. I coming to I guess. I notice the part I played. Yes I wish there was a magical quick way to get off psych meds. Yes i wish I had an easier life, inward and outward; and maybe Jesus could help. Yes I'm sensitive and impressionable without really sticking up for myself because I'm guilty and ashamed of still abusing tobacco. But i'm in a depressed funk and no longer feel good about my own spirituality. I'm starting to isolate and feel hopeless again (I'm eating/smoking like crazy again).


My therapist and sponsor told me not to let people rent space in my head, and the most important thing are my career goals/caretaking for cancer patient (my mom). If they aren't paying rent or providing food, F them. But I do not want that perspective, because that's like rooted in more anger and hatred.

anybody have this experience around year 4/5 or sobriety. I feel like my life speaks for itself where I do not need these types of comments or direction.
The Big Book says in We Agnostics, "We hope that you will not be prejudiced for as long as some of us were." It sounds like you have a nice open mind. I'm glad for you.
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Old 01-21-2020, 08:18 PM
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I love the title of the thread - Struggling with this "resentment", or maybe just super self-righteous.

In my experience, it's usually both (not saying that's necessarily or absolutely true for you)

Column 1:
A few of my family members

Column 2:
1. whole life and perspective is based on Church/Bible
2. persistently try to convert me
3. don't employ the AA principle of "attraction rather than promotion" in the manner I like
4. Require me to / try to make me talk about things I don't want to talk about
5. they pray for me and ask that I be blessed when I don't want them to
6. they don't think as highly of AA or the 12 step meetings as I do
7. are occasionally hypocritical.
8. pray yet don't lead perfect lives.
.....there are more but I'll stop there for now.


Man, my head is whirring with what I'd be putting in the 3rd column (which I do an extended version of - one with extra detail). Same for the 4th column. There's some absolute gold in there, I'm sure. While some weren't identical for me, most of those things have appeared on more than a couple of my inventories over the years.

Even though I didn't believe it at first, my experience with not doing this, and then trying it several times to gain some meaningful perspective have me convinced, that "when dealing with resentments we set them on paper......."

Gain some knowledge about some of the things you may be missing in your story and/or your thinking by getting a 4th step inventory done. Then, I'd strongly recommend 5th stepping it with someone who's got some experience both writing inventory and listening to 5th steps. I.e., someone who knows that we're looking not for or at the persons defects of character but the exact nature of those defects. I'd suggest that while that's a great start, it's pretty vital to admit it to yourself and whatever god you chose back in step 3. (I chose "the 12 step process" as my first God...... I didn't have any faith or real trust in any sort of religious-God at the time).

From there, you can do 6 and 7 pretty quickly... be entirely ready to have those defects of character removed or start praying for the willingness. Once there's some willingness (which will almost always be there after a solid 4th and 5th step), you an knock out 7 next. Spend maybe 5 minutes jotting down the ppl and the harm done to them in an 8th step and commence to make those amends.

Even though there's that 12th step which talks about practicing these principles in all our affairs..... it's super easy in this case since you already are aware there's a resentment and there are 6 steps in a row designed to deal with this exact thing.

From the gist of the post, I can guess that maybe there's been some inventory already done but I didn't see anything about amends you made to those family members for any harm you caused. I wonder if the inventory was lacking in some areas? (mine almost always are, to a degree).

While I get the advice about "not letting them into your head," I'd wager you already knew that. Don't we usually think, when something is bothering us, "gee, I shouldn't let this bother me?" And doesn't it almost always continue to bother us? My experience with that line has been, "that's great advice...... but how do I do what l've known all along TO do but can't manage to ACTUALLY DO?" hence, the steps 4-9 recommendation. I've yet to hit a resentment that didn't get resolved when I'd been thorough with those steps. That said, especially with some of the more testy resentments, I've had to run through them a couple times to uncover everything I need to take a look at.

One last thing, for now, I'd suggest you consider. You brought up NA and honestly I'm not intimately familiar with their basic text. Three things that appear in the AA book suggest 1. that selfishness - self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. 2. that ALL my troubles are of my own making and 3. that resentment is the #1 offender and that it (resentment) destroys more of us than ANYthing else (even drugs and alcohol).

Looking at those 3 things, while many ppl would simply look at them and think they're overly critical and therefore, not worthy of consideration...... I've found them to be, as a friend put it, "some of the greatest statements of hope in the Big Book." If the problem is them, I need to get/make them change how they live and act so that I can be comfortable. Odds are, you've tried this and found it about as productive as they've found trying to change you to suit their opinions. If, on the other hand, all my troubles.......... and resentments are precisely that - a trouble...... are of MY making, then I'm the only one who needs to change / be changed for me to feel OK. And if I don't feel like changing and want to continue to try and limp along with a resentment....I'm warned that doing so is more dangerous to me than drinking or drugging again.

And as far as experience with this: Yes i wish I had an easier life, inward and outward; and maybe Jesus could help. Yes I'm sensitive and impressionable without really sticking up for myself because I'm guilty and ashamed of still abusing tobacco. But i'm in a depressed funk and no longer feel good about my own spirituality. I'm starting to isolate and feel hopeless again (I'm eating/smoking like crazy again). um..... TONS of experience with that stuff. Massive doses of it from about year one to 3. Then again a couple years later..... and then some shorter rounds a half-dozen times since.

If you're interested, I'd be MORE than happy to tell you what I thought but most importantly, what I did. Some of it worked for me and some of it didn't. The most unsuccessful things were "just don't do that anymore," "don't let them bother you," and "just forgive them and move on......it'll pass." I heard that advice a whole lot and I guess it works (I don't actually see that it works very often but maybe I haven't been looking hard enough) but for me, it was the worst advice I ever got. The presumption was that I would suddenly be able to do something I'd proven 1000x over that I wasn't able to do. And this reminds me of another line in the book, "we couldn't wish them away (resentments) anymore than alcohol." Wishing/hoping my resentments would just disappear has only worked in the sense that it delayed dealing with them, allowed them to get bigger and stronger, and then made facing them down the road even more challenging.
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Old 01-21-2020, 10:25 PM
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Page 552 of the big book

'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'
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Old 01-22-2020, 01:31 AM
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I feel like addiction is addiction. Crack, meth, opioids, booze...whatever.

I feel resentment all the time. It is sort of a go to negative feeling every day. All day long I ride this see saw of emotions. Content, happy, sad, angry. It cycles all day.

I am aware and use coping thoughts and physical activities to make things feel better.

When I am struggling, like a dung beetle, to lift some heavy weight, I have little thought of the frustration I have with my weird boss.

My mom is a jw.

Her whole life is in jw lock down oversight. Every time I talk to her she has to tell her hubby. She says it is not that she has to, but she wants to. But really, she has to.

If a person needs meds, they need them. i take lisonpril and moringa. Without them, I go through detox. They seem to help me live better.

Hope something here helps a little.

Thanks.
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