Advice about social media and anonymity
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Advice about social media and anonymity
Quick question -
A guy asked me to sponsor him a few weeks ago, he's 12 months sober but friable.
I noticed today that he's started following me on Instagram. I don't know how he got my second name, but I have been meeting him in my office, which I share with no-one, so he may very well have read it on correspondence.
I'm not happy about this. I feel like he broke my anonymity and had no right to do so.
I'm wondering what are the precedents and accepted practice when it comes to social media and anonymity?
A guy asked me to sponsor him a few weeks ago, he's 12 months sober but friable.
I noticed today that he's started following me on Instagram. I don't know how he got my second name, but I have been meeting him in my office, which I share with no-one, so he may very well have read it on correspondence.
I'm not happy about this. I feel like he broke my anonymity and had no right to do so.
I'm wondering what are the precedents and accepted practice when it comes to social media and anonymity?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
I feel like he "crossed over" from my anonymous, AA world to my unanonymous world. Of course I've got friends who I've met through the fellowship who have become friends on FB or other social media, and of course in real life. But this guy made that choice unilaterally. He has translated our AA relationship into another form, where we are no longer just two anonymous alkies working together. Now that's fine to do when it's mutual. But it's not mutual. And to be honest, it has made me question whether or not I want to carry on sponsoring him.
Of course, I could just be overthinking it. which is why I asked for people's thoughts.
Of course, I could just be overthinking it. which is why I asked for people's thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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"It's OK for me to say that I am in AA or that I attended this meeting, but it is not OK for me to say you are in AA or that you attended this meeting." Unless he did/does something of this sort, he is not breaking your anonymity.
Making you uncomfortable that he has connected with you on social media is another thing- perhaps your fear of his potentially breaking your anonymity- but it doesn't sound like he has (yet). I have made friends online with people who I know IRL as well as those I just know thru Insta and/or FB, who are sober; I only discuss their situation with them publicly if they have announced they are AA people, and asked them if it's OK. I'm very public for a lot of reasons (a big one being I lead a large recovery group for the restaurant industry- it is not an AA/NA group itself but the four of us Board members and plenty of our nationwide attendees are, also I am "out" in podcasts, blogs, interviews, etc).
I'd bring up the friendship thing if it's bothering you- and perhaps find a neutral place to meet. Also - you always have the option of deleting or blocking him, and you could simply tell him it's because you keep your recovery and your public life separate (I'm assuming you do not identify yourself publicly as an AA person).
Making you uncomfortable that he has connected with you on social media is another thing- perhaps your fear of his potentially breaking your anonymity- but it doesn't sound like he has (yet). I have made friends online with people who I know IRL as well as those I just know thru Insta and/or FB, who are sober; I only discuss their situation with them publicly if they have announced they are AA people, and asked them if it's OK. I'm very public for a lot of reasons (a big one being I lead a large recovery group for the restaurant industry- it is not an AA/NA group itself but the four of us Board members and plenty of our nationwide attendees are, also I am "out" in podcasts, blogs, interviews, etc).
I'd bring up the friendship thing if it's bothering you- and perhaps find a neutral place to meet. Also - you always have the option of deleting or blocking him, and you could simply tell him it's because you keep your recovery and your public life separate (I'm assuming you do not identify yourself publicly as an AA person).
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
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If we think that all the drunks who attend AA meetings are going to keep our anonymity we are fooling ourselves. A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. For me this is one of those "accept the things we cannot change" items. It does not keep me from attending meetings.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by paulmh 
I feel like he "crossed over" from my anonymous, AA world to my unanonymous world. Of course I've got friends who I've met through the fellowship who have become friends on FB or other social media, and of course in real life. But this guy made that choice unilaterally. He has translated our AA relationship into another form, where we are no longer just two anonymous alkies working together. Now that's fine to do when it's mutual. But it's not mutual. And to be honest, it has made me question whether or not I want to carry on sponsoring him.
Of course, I could just be overthinking it. which is why I asked for people's thoughts.
Of course, I could just be overthinking it. which is why I asked for people's thoughts.
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Not as far as I know, but that's not my point. I'm an anonymous alkie to him, but he went and found out who I am unilaterally.
Happy to be told I'm overthinking this by the way - equally happy to have any insights about why it has made me feel uncomfortable. But while I'm not dogmatic or precious about it, I do hold to T12, Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. It's not simply about breaking my anonymity to other people - its breaking the principle of anonymity in our relationship unilaterally.
Happy to be told I'm overthinking this by the way - equally happy to have any insights about why it has made me feel uncomfortable. But while I'm not dogmatic or precious about it, I do hold to T12, Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. It's not simply about breaking my anonymity to other people - its breaking the principle of anonymity in our relationship unilaterally.
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the question was
I'm wondering what are the precedents and accepted practice when it comes to social media and anonymity?
he didnt tell anyone your in aa correct?
anonymity in your relationship??? 100% lost me there.
it seems you could benefit from reading tradition 12 in the 12/12 and also the pamphlet on anonymity.
I'm wondering what are the precedents and accepted practice when it comes to social media and anonymity?
he didnt tell anyone your in aa correct?
anonymity in your relationship??? 100% lost me there.
it seems you could benefit from reading tradition 12 in the 12/12 and also the pamphlet on anonymity.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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Originally Posted by paulmh
I noticed today that he's started following me on Instagram. I don't know how he got my second name, but I have been meeting him in my office, which I share with no-one, so he may very well have read it on correspondence.
I'm not happy about this. I feel like he broke my anonymity and had no right to do so
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hm....your concern relates to the fact that he put effort into finding your last name, which you had not given him, and searched for that and your account on instagram. you are feeling a bit stalked, is that it?
yeah, i would, too.
though then i would need to examine that. i'm not on instagram or facebook, and my understanding is that you cannot expect privacy when you participate on social media...is that so?
in any case, i would likely feel as you do and would then ask the person why he did that instead of asking me for my last name and asking if he could "follow". this would likely give you insight into where he is coming from and how he sees this relationship. which might give you more info to decide if this is okay now or not.
yeah, i would, too.
though then i would need to examine that. i'm not on instagram or facebook, and my understanding is that you cannot expect privacy when you participate on social media...is that so?
in any case, i would likely feel as you do and would then ask the person why he did that instead of asking me for my last name and asking if he could "follow". this would likely give you insight into where he is coming from and how he sees this relationship. which might give you more info to decide if this is okay now or not.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I quickly learned by going to AA meetings for just a few months in the very beginning of my sobriety that "anonymity" was not gonna actually happen.
It's people. People talk.
I had a long-term neighbor who went to AA for 25 years but she didn't go to meetings in the area, she drove 20 miles to a meeting once a week. She did that because she was in a customer-facing job and didn't want to have to have that overlap between work life and AA. I mean, it's inevitable if I hit meetings near home or if I lived in a less urban location that I would have the same worries.
Part of what bothered me about AA is that intrusion of privacy. I stopped going for a lot of reasons, but identity disclosure was one of them.
Some people that doesn't bother. Me it did.
It's people. People talk.
I had a long-term neighbor who went to AA for 25 years but she didn't go to meetings in the area, she drove 20 miles to a meeting once a week. She did that because she was in a customer-facing job and didn't want to have to have that overlap between work life and AA. I mean, it's inevitable if I hit meetings near home or if I lived in a less urban location that I would have the same worries.
Part of what bothered me about AA is that intrusion of privacy. I stopped going for a lot of reasons, but identity disclosure was one of them.
Some people that doesn't bother. Me it did.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Would echo Fini's post, I'd feel uncomfortable too, and would see it as an invasion of privacy. He wasn't invited to read your private correspondence, much less use that information to connect with you on social media. I'd find that creepy, and crossing boundaries if that happened to me, and it's the not having offered the information that would bother me most.
And yes, have that conversation with him, about your not being comfortable, and why he thought this was OK. It can only help with how you decide either separately, or between you, how to proceed.
And yes, have that conversation with him, about your not being comfortable, and why he thought this was OK. It can only help with how you decide either separately, or between you, how to proceed.
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"He wasn't invited to read your private correspondence, much less use that information to connect with you on social media. I'd find that creepy, and crossing boundaries if that happened to me, and it's the not having offered the information that would bother me most. "
Yeah, that's it. But I think what I'm not getting across (and thanks for the suggestion to read the relevant chapter in the 12 and 12 TomSteve) is that alcoholics in AA are anonymous to each other unless they choose to be otherwise - and I do believe that "anonymity" - ie, being an anonymous alcoholic - is a primary principle of what we do. It removes all the social hierarchy and professional separations and community complications. It's just one anonymous alcoholic talking to another anonymous alcoholic. I know it requires a certain amount of suspension of disbelief - we have to act "as if" we don't know other things about people - but within the boundaries of AA I treat every alcoholic I meet as another anonymous alcoholic - unless we agree explicitly to change that dynamic.
Yeah, that's it. But I think what I'm not getting across (and thanks for the suggestion to read the relevant chapter in the 12 and 12 TomSteve) is that alcoholics in AA are anonymous to each other unless they choose to be otherwise - and I do believe that "anonymity" - ie, being an anonymous alcoholic - is a primary principle of what we do. It removes all the social hierarchy and professional separations and community complications. It's just one anonymous alcoholic talking to another anonymous alcoholic. I know it requires a certain amount of suspension of disbelief - we have to act "as if" we don't know other things about people - but within the boundaries of AA I treat every alcoholic I meet as another anonymous alcoholic - unless we agree explicitly to change that dynamic.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
it seems you could benefit from reading tradition 12 in the 12/12 and also the pamphlet on anonymity.
Paulmh: I don't personally attend AA meetings, but I can completely understand why this has made you uncomfortable, and although there was probably no harm intended, I think you should speak with him and let him know that you would have preferred if he asked you first.
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Just because someone is an alcoholic and has 12 months sober and wishes you to sponsor them, whilst he works the Steps, correctly with you, doesn’t mean he has scruples, at that pre-step stage. I understand that you trusted him, but nobody signs a confidentiality agreement in AA. Certain peoples’ conscience agrees to anonymity.
I don’t mean this as harsh as it sounds, Paul. But if you value your anonymity so highly, why did you invite this sponsee into your professional/personal office? Knowing the potential that such information would be placed out there, in the ether? We are all fallible.
I don’t mean this as harsh as it sounds, Paul. But if you value your anonymity so highly, why did you invite this sponsee into your professional/personal office? Knowing the potential that such information would be placed out there, in the ether? We are all fallible.
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I don’t mean this as harsh as it sounds, Paul. But if you value your anonymity so highly, why did you invite this sponsee into your professional/personal office? Knowing the potential that such information would be placed out there, in the ether? We are all fallible.
It's a fair point.
It's a fair point.
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Originally Posted by sobersophie
I appreciate your perspective but this is a bit condescending. The OP is expressing that this person stepped over a certain line and asked for some input. Throwing down the rule book hardly seems constructive.
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im not in this world to respond/reply how YOU feel i should.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
im not in this world to respond/reply how YOU feel i should.
To me, your post came across as though the OP's feelings on what happened weren't valid. Perhaps you could express your opinion without being dismissive?
Mine was just a comment with the spirit of this forum in mind, not to police your responses as you suggest.
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