snitch

I am currently on step 5. I have read through my resentments and fears with my sponsor and next is my sex inventory which I have completed and waiting till i can read it to my sponsor. My sponsor told me to list all people I had harmed . So I have put 6 people on my list that I know I caused some harm to but then my sponsor said she wants me to put EVERYONE I have ever slept with on there. Now, I'll be honest here, if I was to write down everyone I slept with in my 46 nearly 47 years of life, especially during the 20 years as worldwide cabin crew, where overnight in foreign exotic countries plus lashings of alcohol available, well I would be writing that list for a very long time. Apart from the 6 I have listed all the others were drunken one night or maybe 2 night stands. I cant even remember most of their names. I dont know if anyone was harmed (except me) because I never saw these people again, and at the time we were consenting adults have drunken "fun". My sponsor thinks I am not willing to go to any lengths but I feel that it is not because I am not willing but because it would be a sheer waste of my time to wrote it and her time when I have to read it out to her. She said we need to find patterns of behaviour and I said well I can tell you that now. Alcohol + sexual attraction +low self worth and wanting to be desired and craving affection. These men didnt chase me after the act. They weren't interested. I never slept with any of them to gain tangible things like money or drugs or alcohol even. It was just "fun".

So we had been to a meeting this morning and afterwards we had this conversation and she tells me she is unable to help me if I am not willing and that she needs to speak to her sponsor.

Any ESH would be great

P.s I am 16 months sober and still on this step 5. It is driving me crazy it is sooooo slow. I just want to be free of this stuff. I love being sober and am making a new sober life for myself and I love AA meetings and the step work but being stuck is keeping me in my past and I feel blocking me from moving forward I'm my new life.

nez

It is your 5th step, not your sponsor's. It is your recovery, not your sponsor's. I look at a sponsor as a guide to a destination, not a driver to a destination. Perhaps your sponsor is not willing to guide and would rather drive. If so that is her choice. It is your choice when it comes to who is your sponsor.

fini

i did my step 5 with a nun who had some training for hearing this step.
so the issue of what my sponsor person considered a "proper"step five never came up.
it was my decision, guided by some lengthy sitting with the choice and basically asking for "guidance from a power greater than myself".
and i had to be sure of my motives, and that fear wasn't running the show.

Pipefish

As far as I understood the process, inventories aren't a rendition of everything that ever happened while we were drunk. We probably know that story more or less, and I'm not sure what purpose it would serve to repeat it....

So, when I did the step 4 inventory & step 5 with it wasn't an audit as such, but focused instead on harm done to myself or others. This focused on a) identifying motive, what drove the behaviour b) what was the harm? who was harmed? c) what was the resentment?

This process was one of identifying and shedding resentments, and clarifying patterns of behaviour. It didn't need to apply to, or mention, every single situation, but it did need to expose those situations I felt most uncomfortable about, and would prefer not to mention, and fundamentally relate to those situations I felt resentful about. Fearless and thorough perhaps ought not to mean the volume of paperwork and examples, but that which I'd rather never saw the light of day, that it will be the most liberating to talk to someone about.

The guidance received from my last sponsor was that the purpose of the inventory is to identify patterns in how I behaved, my go to, default characteristics. That way, when immediately afterwards we get to steps 6 & 7, we pretty much know what character defects we have, that get in not just our way, but those we meet along the way too, and that inventory helps identify who we need to make amends to. The steps are a process, one part feeding into the next....

Tommyh

my sponsor told me to list evert time I had sex
by myself
with a woman
with a animal
with a object
or with a man


( here is where we do this-We reviewed our own conduct over the years past.)
Where had we been
selfish
dishonest
inconsiderate
Whom had we hurt?(sponsor had me put me here also)
Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy
suspicion
bitterness
Where were we at fault
what should we have done instead?

notice it says "we got it all down on paper and looked at it"

We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not?

We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing.

so,to find out whom I had harmed and see the sanity about this,I followed directions
They work quite well

also,the sex ideal.
I got my sex ideal from the question,what should I have done instead?
then I ran it by my sponsor and he liked it....and I was willing to live toward it.

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing.

If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

bottom line,insane is what my sex inventory showed
I needed and wanted sanity there or else I would bring a lot of heartache to myself and others

peace comes from sanity here
want to get better?Willing to really live it?
here is how

Tommyh

my sex inventory wasn`t complete until I came up with my ideal. People I sponsor do the same just as my sponsor did me.

also

these come from my insane selfish self seeking(my actions)
bitterness
jealousy
suspicion
harms to others and myself

these come from my defects seen in previous parts of my inventory
selfish
dishonest
inconsiderate

it started inside me,then went outside me to harm myself and others

that's why we need to dig deep and try to get well

it all boils down to me
what is God`s will for me in this area?

Ken33xx

I had a falling out with my sponsor who lived in an apartment downstairs from me. One day he received my mail by mistake and opened a letter. It was from a job I had applied for and had been accepted.

My sponsor told me I had to tell him about such things but we were both in the same line of work. I didn't want to go into details about the job. They were none of his business.

This soured our relationship and we soon parted ways.

Callas

This sounds ...weird and very off-colour. It is also a pervasive invasion of the privacy of the people you slept with who never bargained on the fact that their names and identities will be shared years later. I would report this person.

Tommyh

not only does a good sex inventory help fins sanity,it helps in all relationships

as for the sponsor,I think she is right,list all
how happy and free do you want to be?

snitch

I di want to be free but I don't see how listing every single person I had a drunk encounter with is going to help me. Except make me feel crap about myself looking at how many men I was intimate with because of alcohol. I feel I could just bunch them all together under the title nameless faceless drunken one night stands as the answer will be the same for all of them and I had no idea if any of them were hurt, i would just be guessing.

snitch

Thank you for all taking tbe time to reply. I have enjoyed reading all your different responses. It shows that even though there is only one Big Book , people do thi gs differently, I am guessing on how their sponsor shows them.

I have thought about this long and hard and my decision is that I am not going to list every single person I ever had a sexual encounter with instead concentrate on those where I know I was inconsiderate and aroused bitterness, suspicion and jealousy.

Ken33xx

Below is from a woman in a similar situation, However, her sponsor didn't feel it necessary to list each and every encounter.

...I had a lot of anxiety about that part of the inventory as well. I had a ton of one night stands and I used sex as a way to make men pay attention to me. I was so embarrassed to share that with another person. But I do honestly believe when the big book says that if we aren't completely honest that we will drink again at some point. I discussed my anxiety about the sex inventory with my sponsor during the writing process and she said I didn't need to list every single person. I only needed to write about the parts of my sex history where I had hurt someone or myself and that were influenced by alcohol

snitch

Thank you for sharing that Ken. That is very helpful.

Tommyh

thanks right, we can`t see until we do it and it`s over.Trust the process and the HP

tomsteve

lookin at it all just might help ya not feel like crap about it all.
remember that youre looking at the OLD you. that isnt you today,correct?
snitch, nothin unique about it either. theres one or 50,000 people in the rooms that were a wee bit promiscuous.
it might be wise to take a quick step or 3 back. reason i type that?
welp, ive typed it before- i had heard often at meetings people saying they got to the 4th and got drunk. had heard many times people get drunk while doing the 4th. after a meeting one day i was talkin with an old fart:
" i dont get it. i realized i hear quite a few people gettin to the 4th or doing the 4th and get drunk. im crankin on it and have a crapton writtin and i dont want to drink. what gives?"
his simple reply:
"you did the first 3 steps correctly."

August252015

I was taught that it's not just- or sometimes primarily- about literally the people we slept with.

How was I to them while involved? Did I take advantage, manipulate, lie or steal? Was I honest? How selfish was I? All the stuff we need to examine about the people we were involved with romantically when drinking?

Example- I never cheated on anyone, but I had a relationship with a married man. That truly involved way more stuff than sex.

I couldn't name the people I had sex with in a complete list- and plenty of those were in my 30s and most of it was casual so truly no one was hurt. As far as the real relationships, I had to make two big amends. A couple others I had already done it before I quit, now that I see what making amends mean. To one (the wife of the man I had the affair with) it would only harm her if I made contact.

And to the step you're on at this point- IMO if we are making progress and actively doing the steps, pace doesn't matter. However, while it did take me a year to literally do them, I was learning to live them as we went, and around a year my sponsor and I agreed it was due time to wrap it up.

I've done other mini 4 and 5 since (I just hit 3.5 yr this wk).

snitch

This is exactly my point. These are one night stands I had in my 30's way before I had my daughter. 2 consensual adults having sex admittedly under the influence. I have 4 people on my list that I was in a relationship with whom I did perhaps cause harm to and 2 men on there that I may have led on for my own selfish needs. All the others are mostly nameless faceless men and I would happily bunch them all together as the inventory would be the same for all of them.

Anyway my sponsor has said that I am not willing and therefore she cannot work with me. I have had plenty of issues with my sponsor before and called time a couple of times but went back. There are quite a few things that don't sit right with me about her or our relationship, I have asked for ESH before here. I feel that actually maybe this is a sign that I do need to find a new sponsor.

Thanks for your response August, it has really helped especially about the pace of the steps.

AAPJ

A while back a woman came to an AA meeting that I attended with my sponsor. She asked if she owed amends to all the men she slept with when she was drunk. We discussed the matter after the meeting. At least in our view short term consensual sexual encounters between adults that had no known long term issues associated with it are not something that needs an amends or a lot of details. Perhaps a summary like the approximate number of folks you had sex with and acknowledging that it was not a healthy behavior for you is sufficient?

When it comes to steps four and eight I like what an old timer told us at a meeting a few years ago. Focus on the things you did or happened to you that impacted your most important relationships first. How did your behavior impact your close friends and family?

YMMV.

AlwaysGrowing

I think we always are a rebel at heart. I mean who wants to take direction...

She might be just following how she was taught or her understanding. Either way the goal is putting on paper as it becomes real at that point. I personally think a group is fine. Grouping because of issue xyz not just because you were drunk. If that was the case then I would guess the list would be extremely long for every time you drank.

CaiHong

Snitch, I think you are absolutely right and your sponsor's behaviour is a concern.