snitch

How do you know if your sponsor isn't the right fit for you, and how do you distinguish between what you feel is right and what may be your ego or pride talking ?

I have been sober 14 months and I have had the same sponsor since I was about 2 months sober. I have learnt alot from her but there are behave things things that don't sit right with me. Anyway, we parted ways 2 days ago so now so I am currently sponsorless but I am just wondering if I am right to have ended our relationship or if it is my ego or pride or self will?!

Help! Am confused!!!

August252015

For me, I had to examine the self will and ego parts very closely when I just didn't "jibe" with my first sponsor. I credit her to this day with the discipline I learned about working my program. However...after prayer and consideration and that inspiration I was gaining, I just couldn't go past step 3 with her.

A woman in my home group was one I admire so much for the way her program was a living, breathing way of life. She became my sponsor for the next 2 1/2 yrs (I am almost 3 1/2 sober so she sponsored me til about last Dec/Jan). She taught me about applying the steps and the wisdom of others and the BB to living the life I want and have.

I became acutely uncomfortable with her changes in her program and life choices and so on - and it was a bit tormenting to decide to leave her, honestly, especially seeing where she is now, and being established in my own program. It was the right thing to do however.

I have found that in my journey so far, being on my 4th sponsor (the 3rd was an awesome one who decided she was better being a friend and sometimes resource for me as her significant health problems were calling too much of her attention to be a committed sponsor) is where I need to be. she is intensely focused on the spiritual life and that's a place I need to focus right now.

This is my journey and I'd say if you honestly feel it is NOT about your ego or wiggling out of the program or that stuff, it is more than fine to change. I'd recommend too that you consider asking someone to be a temp sponsor and not let there be a lag in working the steps- especially if you are early in them. I took about 13-14 mo to literally do all the steps with my second sponsor, but was learning and living them along the way.

snitch

Thanks August. I appreciate your response. There are a few issues I have but I think the main one is I don't want what she has. I mean, she has 5 years of sobriety which is amazing, but (and I am really trying not to judge her here) the sobriety she has is not what I want. It is hard to explain. I have completed my step 4 but hadn't moved to step 5 and I don't feel comfortable with her either to read my step 5 to. So that's quite a biggie to me.

Ok here is where I need my ego need smashing maybe?.She has 3 children by 3 different dads, the youngest is 7 months old and she is with the father of the baby but he lives quite a way away as he has other children to be near and she is always complaining about him and every meeting that is what her shares are about.. She doesn't work and I do (I have a child also and i am a single parent), I dont feel she can identify with my situation and she has just been made homeless and has had to move into temporary housing as she cannot afford anywhere. I went to her old flat to help her sort it and my God it was a mess. Unkempt and dirty. Now, here is the situation.... can i work with someone whose life looks pretty unmanageable to help me manage mine. Or is this my ego? Do I feel I am better than her? If I am completely honest part of me does. And I dont like that about myself. But getting back to the root of it, I dont want what she has. And I am not talking about material things.

I just needed to get this out!

Pipefish

Not every decision I take is driven by character defects. What the programme offers is an opportunity to step outside of that, and also start to intuitively know when things fit and when they don't.

Learning to trust that intuition and my own judgement is part of recovery. The difference for me in intuition is I usually don't need to justify it, or make it about the other person. Ego will usually defend and involve some state of high emotion, even high dudgeon, and from your post, sounds like you have reached a considered, intuitive decision.

August252015

Glad you shared!!! And - yeah, get your ego out of the way about all that buttttt....

Here's where I feel you about that whole thing: in a nutshell, my sponsor has
Tourette's and all of a sudden was prescribed CBD for it and....yep, it turned into pot. That was about the same time that the compiling nature of my discomfort with her was adding up and I didn't even know! She did some major soul searching and took a whole other route with her dr/spiritual/med guidance...she stayed in a relationship that she told me she HAD to get out of last Oct....and now she is "leading" meetings and thriving in denial.

You ultimately hit the nail on the head - I definitely don't want what she has and that has always been a biggie mark for me too! Oh, and mine has tons of money from her divorce and now has what she considers an emotionally and all around lovely situation with her BF. I'm way happier with the if-I'm-honest very fortunate but not extravagant life my husband and I have.

So, I had to get that out apparently I've been working on it all with my current sponsor after my head nearly exploded at her "pseudo topic" of multiple substance use at a meeting.

Allll that said. I didn't trust my first sponsor with 4 and 5. I don't even know what her life choices were/are bc we had a not-friend-just-sponsor thing, but my gut and then guidance said to part ways. I felt like I was dumping a bf which was never my strong suit - HA!

Sounds like you are doing the good pondering- I would encourage action esp if you are in the 4/5 range at this point in your sobriety. Then act. And it seemed weird to me at first - but we can always change sponsors (or they can change us!).

Let us know what you do - take care.

Pipefish

Can i work with someone whose life looks pretty unmanageable to help me manage mine. Or is this my ego? Do I feel I am better than her? If I am completely honest part of me does. And I dont like that about myself. But getting back to the root of it, I dont want what she has. And I am not talking about material things.

The role of a sponsor isn't to help me manage my life. That's putting a human being where God needs to be. It sounds as if this woman is having a very difficult time, and likely that she isn't in a place to offer you what you need.

Have you read the AA literature on sponsorship? If you haven't, it might be a good place to start before you find another sponsor
https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

tomsteve

there are times a sponsor should check themselves and say,"ya know, im having problems in my own life and should step away from sponsoring for a while."

has this sponsor been guiding you to solutions using the program?
has the sponsor been guiding you through the steps?
has there been a reason you are between step 4 and 5 at 14 months?
the 5th does NOT have to be read to a sponsor. might want to read chapter 6 a bit.

August252015

i'd also throw in -does your sponsor have a sponsor? That's one of the things I was taught is really important for the whole shebang.

snitch

I did read the leaflet online a few nights ago. I think it helped me to come to the decision as my sponsor wants me to call her before I do anything. Any decision I make she wants me to run it by her first. I was on a work trip and I had forgotten to pick up some medication from my GP and she said this was an example of how I am not managing my life. Which actually, was true. And her pointing it out to me helped me. But then it became more apparent how she wasnt managing her own life particularly well. Hence my confusion. Of course she is a human and isnt perfect and of course i understand that.

She does have a sponsor but from what she has told me she hasnt seen her in a long time although they have regular phone contact. She has been through the steps once and she told me it took her 2 years to do her step 4.!! When we have gone through the steps she seems to me a bit unclear at times. And she had had to say she needs to check with her own sponsor before continuing with me. To be honest I listened to Joe and Charlie and AA speakers on you tube and learnt more from them about the steps. I think I am her first sponsee.

When we first took up our relationship she said to me I had to call her every day and we would meet once a week for step work. It soon became apparent this wasnt going to be the case as she had a new baby (which I completely understand!) And also I am airline crew and I work away from home. Hence why I am only on step 4. I have had it finished for about 3 weeks now but was waiting for a time that was convenient to her as she had the move etc.

Then I was ill for a week then I had to work. I did text her to say I was away. When I got gome she called me and quite abruptly said "what's going on?!". She said her proviso of her sponsoring me was that I called her daily and that I attended regular meetings. I said it was hard to call daily because of both our situations and I said that I actually dont feel I need to check in daily with her. I also said that whilst meetings were and always will be a massive part of my recovery I felt I didnt need to go every day and that i wanted to explore other things . I have joined a yoga studio and the only time I can go is in the morning and it coincides with my home group meetings. She said my recovery has to come first. I said I agree but my recovery also needs to include physical exercise and she said well it isnt coming first as I now want to do yoga. I said I am 14 months sober and I want to LIVE and enjoy my sobriety.

I guess she is just sponsoring me the way she was sponsored. She said to me herself that she couldn't do anything herself for a good 2 years after getting sober. I feel stronger everyday and I am getting more well everyday. I know what getting complacent can mean. Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful . All I would like is to be taken through the steps, get a balance between meetings and having a (sober) life.

Ultimately I feel she has a lot on her plate at the moment. Another member in my home group said the same to me. Not gossip. Just genuine concern.

I feel better for sharing this here. Thank you. I think I will be grateful for everything she has shown me and the time she has given me in the last 12 months but it is time for me to move on now.

Tomsteve yes I know that it doesnt have to be a sponsor that I read my 5th to and I already had some ideas of whom I might like to share with. I will look into that.

Thanks for sharing your ESH with me.

Pipefish

Snitch what you are describing does not sound like sponsorship to me. It sounds unhealthy for both of you.

When I chose my first sponsor is was based on really basic stuff. It needed to be basic, that was all I could handle. Did this woman turn up when she said she was going to? What did her life look like outside of meetings? Was her sharing based on the programme? Our conversations were based on the literature and about how we were going to proceed with the steps, and we met a meetings (not daily, and no daily phone calls).

In your area, are there any step meetings, or big book study or back to basics meetings? It may be that you will find a sponsor there who can take you through the steps, which is what a sponsor is for.

August252015

The only parts about this way of sponsoring that resonate with me are the daily contact and regular meeting. That of course requires both people; I do put the onus on my sponsee. She texts me first every day, for example- I am not going to chase her. Right now, her schedule is problematic and I am more flexible so our standing 930 Sun mtg and then time .... isn't happening, bc she isn't making time for it. I've had to accept that is where she is- I cannot make her move on to step 3. She is doing other things to support her (100 ish days) recovery. That's kind of where you are, it seems - seeking what will support you.

Her reminder about stuff like the meds is great. I ask my sponsee questions about that stuff, in a suggestive way.

Like I've said- it's up to you to decide if you want to keep her, and I can give my opinion that she's "not in a great place"(which seems quite true) but you have the right, privilege and most importantly responsibility to put your sobriety first!

The whole thing about how quickly you move (or don't) thru the steps aside, how many meetings are you going to, and other people in your network do you have? That's important too. Even the best sponsor can't always be there and someone like me has a life really built around recovery (mine, and AA, and the restaurant industry group I lead which has now grown to 8 cities as of this summer and takes up a lot of my time as the Board member who does social media, all kinds of coordination...) and I only have one sponsee because that's enough on my plate in toto.

And, remember- it's not about you. Meaning, her life and recovery aren't about you. They are her responsibility. As is/are yours.

tomsteve

snitch- once you do get through the steps,then start practicing the principles for a while, you might have a similar experience as mine:
dam-it really is a simple program!

Ken33xx

O.k. you parted ways. Such situations be they in or out of AA are often uncomfortable. You mentioned behaviors which didn't sit well with you. Don't gossip about the ex-sponsor.

It's not usually to hear people in AA bad mouth a former sponsor or those they have sponsored.

Best to be careful about who you tell and move on.

Good luck

snitch

Oops sorry I didnt mean there are some behaviours that don't sit right with me. That was a typo! I meant there are just some things that don't sit right with me. Basically the things I have mentioned. And I am not saying that how I have been sponsored is right or wrong, just that I was questioning whether it was right for me. I hope that makes sense.

snitch

Thanks for all your responses. I have found it difficult to know what is right or not as she is my first and only sponsor and part of me feels a bit disloyal to move on because she was there for me in those early weeks and months but as I have gotten further away from my last drink and have got more well I don't feel that we are the right fit anymore.

That is another reason I am asking here, because I dont want to share this with other people in the rooms because I dont want to bad mouth her etc. Not at all. I have a lovely friend who is in the same hone group and I can confide in her and she just said to me that my sponsor does have alot on her plate. She can see that too. But she is the only one I have confided in. Thats why I love SR so much. I am glad I have this AA forum

snitch

Thank you. Yes that's what I want. Just to go through the steps! I am willing. Everything else that comes with it seems complicated

Grungehead

When I changed sponsors there was a pretty clear cut reason for it. He insisted on working the steps at a slower pace than I needed to move at and could only give me an hour of his time a week. He had a set way of doing them with all of his sponsees and was not willing to be flexible and work at a faster pace. I kind of understood why he did this as he had multiple sponsees, a full-time job and a family.

Before I ended the relationship I talked to an older, retired gentleman with over 20 years sober about my dilemma. His take was that it should be the sponsee who dictates the pace, not the sponsor. I asked him if he would take me through the steps and he agreed to. I let my sponsor know that I was "going in a different direction" and thanked him for taking me through the first 3 steps. The retired gentleman spent many hours at a time with me, first refreshing what I had learned in the first 3 steps and then giving me a date (2 weeks) for us to go over my 4th step and do my 5th step. I started making my amends about a month after we started working together.

One might ask what my hurry was to get the steps done? Mostly it was knowing myself, and knowing that the longer I waited to take action in steps 4-9 the more likely I would find a reason not to do it. The relapse I was coming off of nearly killed me and I was pretty sure this was my last shot at sobriety.

I know it can be tricky ending the sponsor-sponsee relationship, especially if you are still attending the same meeting(s) as your former sponsor. The way I looked at it this was a life and death situation for me. If I felt I had a surgeon who didn't have my best interests as his priority would I stick with him so I didn't hurt his feelings or find a better fit? I looked at finding the right sponsor in the same way, because my life literally depended on it.

snitch

Thanks Grungehead. Your post was really helpful

DayTrader

it's really tough to say if you made the call based upon ego and self-centered thinking or if it was all part of God's plan. I don't really know enough but then, what I or we think isn't really all that important. If I had to guess though, it seems like you're on the right path.

Moving forward, perhaps you have learned like I learned what happens when I, me, alone, pick a sponsor. While my 1st wasn't the worst guy around, he wasn't the right guy. He was the guy Mike picked.....and Michael has a track record of making decisions based on self, fear, jealousy, or being driven by a half-dozen other things.

These decisions seemed right at the time..... but judging them by the results, they weren't good calls. Of course, they were the best I could do.... but in this life of recovery where I've committed myself to striving for better and more God-centered life, I don't want to be that guy anymore who says he trusts God on one hand but then makes all the life-management decisions on his own. I'm also pretty sick and tired of paying all the prices for those goofy decisions I make...... decisions I make when I'm being driven by all sorts of stuff other than God.

In my search for my second sponsor I decided I wasn't going to be as big a part of the equation. God would pick one for me. I'd attend meetings, I'd allow myself to be the judgmental jerk I can be at times but if I got ANY indication that "this is the guy Mike" I'd ask him to help me no matter what my internal dialogue was telling me.

I gave God a pretty good-sized shopping list of what I expected in a sponsor. He had to do the steps in AA and be intimately familiar with them, he needed to be smarter than I am, he had to be tight with God, he needed to be able to read me very well and have the ability to guide me in the areas of my life I was confused about, he needed to set an exemplary example of what I could be......... etc etc etc. It seemed reasonable to me at the time. I mean, I basically wanted my sponsor to be God......or at least very God-like. LOL... the crap I get convinced is right...

Of course, a rather large % of my list was ignored. Thankfully...lol. God put this guy in my path and it became apparent to me that this was the guy I was supposed to hook up with. Eleven years later he's still my sponsor. Suffice it to say, God did a WAY better job picking than I did and he found a guy I probably wouldn't have selected on my own. Where and when it's really mattered...... he's been more than I ever thought was possible.

So in a nutshell..... it helped me greatly to put into practice some actions that supported that decision I made in step 3 - that God would be the director and I'll play the roll of the actor. Or, as I prefer, God is coach calling the plays and I'm just an athlete on the field with a responsibility to run the play as He designed it. I may not get the ball and I may not "feel" like I'm really part of the play.....but I have my duty and my job is to do it to the best of my abilities.

Gottalife

It is great your sponsor's window of opportunity extended to two years to get past step four. Do you happen to know when your window of opportunity runs out and the obsession comes back?

It is troubling to think that the vast majority of relapses in AA happen at or just before step four. It could be a wise move to change sponsors to one who will get you through the work and into helping others while there is yet time.