NepaGuy

There are a few of them in my area and it seems like they have taken over all the meetings. They really get on my nerves. It seems like they think they own AA because they are really old and have been in the rooms for 20 plus years. They seem to believe that their opinions are the Traditions and rules of AA. They like to offer their opinion about your recovery even though you never asked for it and you don't want what they have. When they share in meetings they seem to feel it's ok to babble on aimlessly for 15 minutes. There is one in particular that drives me insane with his mindless, never ending shares. He feels the need to share his life story at every meeting and most of what he says is completely off topic. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to go to meetings in my area any more. When I first moved to my current area the rooms were filled with a variety of different people. There was young people, old people, newcomers, and old timers alike. Now there is just crusty old bleeding deacons and I get the impression that they chased off everyone else. I am not talking about 'elder statesmen" that work a good program. I am talking about bleeding deacons who seem to use AA to feed their egos. I am really tired of it. I sometimes travel 30 to 40 minutes to attend different meetings because I can't stand the deacons in my area. Thanks for letting me share.

ALinNS

Unfortunately it happens, thankfully where I live I have many to choose from not far from where I live so what I did in the past is simply try a different one, I am an alcoholic that never used drugs in my life - however I by far prefer an NA meeting as they too see alcohol as a drug and the groups/meetings I have gone to, I seem to get a lot more from them. I find many of the AA meetings here are simply war stories and that is a trigger for me to relapse. So maybe check out a different meeting.

NepaGuy

There is an AA club house in my area that seems to have a good mix of people still. The Friday night meeting there has a lot of younger people. There isn't any NA in my area. I'll survive but I need to find new meetings to go to. It can't be healthy when i can no longer stand to here certain people share. The problem is that they are at every meeting too because they are retired and have the time to go to all of them. The speaker meetings around here went down hill. It is always the same people speaking. They used to get different people from all over the place which helped keep them new and interesting but those meetings went down hill over the past year.

Carlotta

I don't attend AA any more but I have ran into some of those. The best way to deal with it is to remember that many elderly people are quite isolated, their partners, their friends have passed on so they don't have anyone to talk to.
Those few AA meetings might be the only time they get a chance to interact with others during the week and a break from their isolation. Quite a few seniors also suffer from memory loss and forgot they already shared something (that's why they repeat themselves).
Maybe if you keep in mind that some day, you might be that lonely old guy for whom the meeting is the highlight of his week it will make it easier to deal with.
I hope I didn't sound too preachy but anyway, that's my take on it. We have to try to be patient with our elders because some day it will be us walking in those shoes.

NepaGuy

I've taken that into consideration. Even so I can't stand going to these meetings any more. Maybe I am being a little selfish but I need to do what will help keep me well and I need different meetings with different people. We used to get a lot of people from out of town but they stopped coming to meetings in this area for some reason. I like to head back to the town I lived in before I came to my current location. However, that is about 40 minutes from where I live so I can't always do that.

biminiblue

Can you attend the Group Conscience meeting (if it's your home group) and express a desire for shares that are five minutes or less? I went to one really good group which had one hour meetings and they enforced that five minute rule.

NepaGuy

I could but I doubt it would do any good. It is like the AA culture in my area has changed. No one really comes to meetings in my area any more except a handful of bleeding deacon old timers. The local treatment facilities stopped sending their patients to meetings in this area. They still send them to the club house meetings but not to any other meetings like they used to. I think the staff decided that the meetings around here aren't where the best recovery is and started to send the patients else where. Given the drop in attendance it must not just be me who is tired of what meetings have become in this area.

ALinNS

Napa, I should have included online AA, it took me two days to finally find a good group with excellent chat software, I start and end my days in meetings with them and they are there 24/7, general discussion between meetings, I find them excellent, you register top left

aa-alive.net - Home

CAPTAINZING2000

Been a few years now but, I seem to recall not liking everyone in bars I went to.
The same applies to AA meetings.

I felt the same way towards some people years ago. I did learn to listen to them. At the very least, I took the things they said that I could use for my sobriety.
Often times, the things I dislike in others are my own character defects staring back at me.

The fact you are venturing out to different meetings is a good thing. I become stale hearing the same thing from the same people all the time.
I had too much at stake to let anyone or anything run me out of a meeting.

NepaGuy

I think I am going to try to get a speaker commitment at one of the local speaker meetings. I know a lot of people who aren't from this area that could come and speak. It'll help breath new life into meetings and maybe get attendance back up.

Ken33xx

These days you can look around the room and half the members have their cell phones out. Some people are completely oblivious when the room is no longer listening. They just go on and on.

Ken33xx

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Fly N Buy

I have gone through this feeling and at times still do. Part of it is my ego but the reality is part of it is listening to meetings that have turned into group therapy sessions by OT's , newcomers and in-betweeners.

I see some with a year or two sobriety who have gone thru the steps. have had a vital spiritual experience - work with others - help the group and always seem to smile with that light in their eyes. We've all seen them, right?!

Then I see the guy with 10-15-20 years who just seems miserable. Hasn't worked steps likely but tells others to - comes to meetings, knows nothing of the literature but repeats "his" story and carries the mess not the message. This guy has picked up enough lingo to blah, blah, blah everyone to death. We don't want what this guy has.........

As frustrating as that is I refuse to let them run me out. Good for you on working towards change - that's the key. Maybe add a Saturday AM newcomers meeting that comes directly from the Big Book and only goes 1-2-3???? We did that in our group and it keeps things focused - at least at that meeting.

Best of luck and thanks for the post

Ken33xx

I find it has little to do with working the steps or length of sobriety. Such blowhards simply feel what they have to share is either so important, interesting or wise they go on and on. They`re often bores outside the rooms as well.


Side note: There are older members who are lonely and AA is often the only outlet they have. One older gent never fails to mention the small business he started a few years and how proud he is about that. He`s got no family and the rooms of AA are the only place he can share about what`s going on. He`s around 75 or so and I tend to cut his shares slack. Plus he always tacks on at the end how grateful he is to be sober. Nice man who likes to ramble.

Tommyh

I was going to suggest you take on a speaker seeker job for a while.....and would you happen to have a big resentment towards some of those folks?

NepaGuy

I can't say i have a resentment against them. I don't want to seem like I have something against elderly people either. Not all of the deacons around here are elderly.

paulokes

It's really hard to walk through the day without judgement

P

Ken33xx

A person`s behavior may change for the better after joining AA. However, I believe one`s personality tends to remain the same.

If a member was a know-it-all kind of guy/gal before joining AA it`s likely they`ll be a know-it-all in the rooms as well.

And if such a person has sobriety time under their belt. Look out. Because they`re usually not shy when it comes to letting others know exactly what`s what.

DayTrader

You can't? Is that possibly because you've (we've) been "taught" that resentments are bad? (......as if we can just decide not to have them)

They really get on my nerves. -- that's a resentment.

This, being a 12-step support "room" I'll suggest using the program here.

Column 1
- Bleeding Deacons (that's exactly how I list them on my inventories unless I know their names, but I also include my pet names for them too).

Column 2
- They really get on my nerves.
- They think they own AA
- They seem to believe that their opinions are the Traditions and rules of AA.
- They like to offer their opinion about your recovery even though you never asked for it and you don't want what they have.
- They seem to feel it's ok to babble on aimlessly for 15 minutes.
- One in particular that drives me insane with his mindless, never ending shares.
- They chased off everyone else.

Next is Column 3 where you list how each of those thing affected the 6 or 7 areas of self listed in the instructions.

Column 4 could be a toughie because this is where you look back at your list and are prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle, set aside the other person and what they did and instead consider where you are wrong...where you're to blame. see page 66 & 67.

If you're not willing to concede that you have a resentment in the first place I'd re-read your first couple posts.

There's that story (p60 & 61)of the actor, trying to be the director......the one who's sure he knows how the world and it's people should be / should behave. It tells about how everyone, including himself, would be happier if only they did as he believed they should do. That story may help as well.

The "problem" at those meetings is your attitude and the way you're handling it, not the so-called bleeding deacons.

skg

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also." We give other people control over our lives when we say that they "make us" angry or afraid. The truth is that we usually say or do something that helps to create the conflicts in our lives. We must take responsibility for this fact, clean up our role in these matters, and practice forgiveness.”

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves torment (has to do with punishment). The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18, NIV).

"Fear shuts down, excludes, shames, points blame, insists, and Fear's world narrows into darkness and withers into spiritual (and then physical) death; Love is considerate, teaches, learns, accepts, and Love's world broadens to include—to let the light in—growing in the sunlight of the Spirit. When we practice love and tolerance rather than fear and selfishness, we grow. The alternative insists on being right and lives in conflict with the world we are in." (Conversations With God," Neale Donald Walsh).

OldTimers have problems, and many aren't carrying the torch the way I believe they should. But that's THEIR problem and I don't need to carry it for them--I learned that in Al-Anon: If I am walking around waiting to be offended, I never have to wait long--'cause I have become part of the problem. If I am focusing on what I can contribute to the stream of life (not peeing in it), I tend to let others be who they are--good or bad. Everybody serves as an example--what's yours?