Realest

I was never abused, or anything but my family has some degree of dysfunction to it. They always argue and fight and hold resentments. How to I forgive them when they still argue and fight over petty things. They are not alcoholics but they are argumentative and I just can’t stand them. How do I forgive them?

People in AA say their parents were doing the best they can with what they have

Guener

You can forgive people for things that they have done, but I don't see why you need to continue to be a party to the dysfunction any longer. You can detach from them to avoid the chaos that bothers you. Can you appreciate what qualities they may have on an individual basis rather than as a unit? But, if they are merely causing you distress, for myself I would minimize the contact.

Realest

Guener

It's kind of like dwelling on the things that might have been different if we hadn't become alcoholics. It is part of who you became to have the kind of family that you did, and I understand that for myself, too, having come from a dysfunctional time growing up. For what we do now we cannot blame others, if we understand that we are informed of our inherited and present limitations and are willing to accept that and try to do what we can to live the best possible life available to us. I am saddened sometimes by the past, yes, it's sometimes painful to remember things that were or continue to be messed up. You and I and others are a lot like many people in this respect.

fini

yes, been there done that.
got stuck there for a long time. kept trying to change them. kept wanting to make them acknowledge they didn’t treat me well, they were wrong, they were screwed up and i was harmed.
in the end, this attitude of mine served nobody well, least of all me. so i worked hard at dropping it. basically, the serenity prayer is spot on there.
i don’t know if they were doing the best they could; i do think they were convinced what they were doing was the one right and proper way to be raising children.
up to you and me NOW to have a better life NOW. our responsibility.

Realest

You’re right ,but I stilll have to have contact with these dysfunctional people I’m learning to practice acceptance.

Robert88

I think that you have to accept your family for who they are. You can not change them and it is wasted energy trying to do that and it is only going to make you feel bad. I have also thought about the fact that if my family wasn't so dysfunctional, I would not have become an addict but I can't put the blame on them. I just accept the fact that life is hard and they did the best that they could for me and that has helped me out a lot.

trailmix

Forgiveness is not dismissing the incident or incidents or the hurt caused but accepting it happened. Whether that means to forgive and forget or just accept it happened and move on is up to you.

As for practicing acceptance, people are who they are. You cannot change them. The only thing in your control is what you accept. For example, say you are over and three of them are arguing. You can't stop the argument all you can change is where you are. You can sit and listen or excuse yourself and go home. That's your boundary, that's your decision, that's in your control.

You can accept people, doesn't mean you have to put up with their annoying ways or with anyone hurting you or being less than respectful to you.

fini

well...maybe "have to" is not ultimately so?
if you really chose not have contact, you could do it.
i had to confront a lot of my own dysfunction by not cutting contact. and for sure there was ongoing painful stuff.
my parents are dead now, and looking back, i am glad i did not go as far as that. and i recognize that is easy to say in hindsight and sure didn't feel like that at the time.

as trailmix says: you can accept people without sticking around for hurtful bs.
i have found that true and tough

sugarbear1

I think there's a reason the Dysfunctional Families 12 step program has a book twice as big as the AA Big Book.....maybe bigger....

joey8262

try and keep yourself distanced from them when it kicks off-find somewhere to go or something to do-you don't need to be involved in anyone else's problems.

and remember-it's THEM that's dysfunctional-not you.

Realest

tomsteve

boundaries are a good thing.

I keep dwelling on the fact that if my family was like normal people I would of had a better childhood and life
define "normal people."
theyre about as scary as practicing alcoholics!

it could have been worse with that "normal family",realest. i think you probably are who you are today because of the experiences of your past and moving forward to who ya want to be.
i have met quite a few people in recovery for both alcohol and drugs that had the family im thinking you have in mind.
i dont know if my family would have been called normal. from outside appearance it probably was. mom and dad were old school- decided before they married that dad would work and mom would be a homemaker.they were both very loving. always provided what us kids needed. always helping others when they could. werent any blow up fights between them. i dont recall even an arguement,which im sure they did but did it like adults do-behind closed doors. im pretty certain whatever they argued about was rather huge. they werent into the small stuff-they let that stuff go real quick.
one negative thing,though, was they were too loving. enablers for all 4 of children.
my oldest brother had a serious drinking problem. drugs were in there,too/
my sister had a drug problem. another brother still in the insanity. then theres me- the saint!!
in short, having a normal family doesnt guarantee a good life.

Realest

Like they say “normal is just a setting on a washing machine.”

nez

Whenever I hear anybody mention dysfunctional families, I always wonder what a functional family is and does one exist?

My grandfather used say that if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass every time he jumped... My family ain't got wings and we bump our asses. I just need to remember that the other frogs in my family are jumping the only way they know how to.

As for dealing with people where the interaction can be difficult at times, he used to say (you have to say it with a slow deep southern accent) there is no point trying to teach a pig to sing because all you are going to do is agitate the pig and frustrate yourself.

We can pick our friends but we don't have that luxury with our families.

tomsteve

yup! how does that washing machine work?
fill it with clothes, set to normal, it fills up with water, then agitates.
normal is agitating!

DayTrader

How does one give money away? by giving it to someone. How does one forgive, by forgiving. The action is simple..... but having the willingness to do so is the key. For now anyway, it seems you don't have the willingness.

So, if you were able to perfectly manage your own live, you'd manufacture that willingness to forgive, forgive them, and it'd be done. It sounds like, in this area of your life anyway, you lack sufficient power - so you're obviously able to see parts of the first step in this current area of your life.

Next I'd try to consider if it's possible that there's a Power greater than me and if so, make a choice about what that Power is and what it can do. Here, I'd suggest it beneficial to choose that this Power you pick has the ability to inspire you to be forgiving.

From here, you get to make a decision about whether you want to continue to try and be this power yourself by making your own self able to forgive OR if you'd like to abdicate this ability over to your newly-created Power.

Next - you guessed it, you make a list that includes your parents names, next to that list you write out the things they do that you can't stand, then you write out how those things in column 2 affect each part of self to form a 3rd column, then of course you contemplate and write out what YOUR part is in all of that mess. (feel free to hit me up anytime since most ppl have real trouble writing a 3rd and 4th column).

You get where I'm going of course..... you do a 5th step, admitting to God, yourself, and another person the EXACT NATURE of your wrongs. This isn't reading off an incident report. It's getting down to the exact nature of what's going on.

Now we move to 6 where you're either entirely ready to have God remove these defects (in this case, some resentments) or you're not ready to have them removed. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF here! It serves noooooooooothing to say "yeah, I'm willing" when you're really not. Lots of ppl make this mistake because they thing the "right" answer is to say they're willing. Remember what it says back in the beginning of How it Works -- Those who
do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Look at your actions.... are / have your actions been those of someone willing to have God remove that resentment or is it possible you like being resentful. Sometimes we just like to be defiant...or do break rules......or we'll take joy in doing something hurtful - even if the hurtful stuff boomerangs back into our faces. Either way, be honest with yourself here - i mean, your life is on the line so there's no sense in BSing yourself.

If the answer is yes you move onto 7........ and if it's no (as it often is for me, there are specific instructions on what to do next in step 6. :0 lemme know if you don't find them.


......so the answer on what to do is WORK THE PROGRAM OF AA in all your affairs. Or..... do what I've done so often - ignore everything have learned, try to play God and do it my way / myself,. fail miserably........repeat a half dozen times. then fiiiiiiiiinally surrender and try to work the program in this "new" affair.

DayTrader

I forgot, ther's the other alternative they mention in How It Works - to try and wish our resentments away. I'm not proud of how much time I personally spend doing this but it's the truth. All the while, fully exercising and feeding that resentment day in and day out. Then.......eventually........ I usually end up hurting so damn bad that I finally get that gift of willingness to actually DO something about it.

So in a way, choosing to do nothing ends up being a choice as well. My history tells me that it almost always leads to the same process that I mentioned above only this path comes with a lot of pain in the interim. So while I don't "recommend" it, I suppose it's effective in it's own kinda strange way.

I suspect Bill knew what he was suggesting when he wrote "....practice these principles in ALL OF OUR affairs."

nez

When I look at differences, I have trouble forgiving. When I look at similarities, differences melt away. When differences melt away, forgiveness comes easy. After all, we are all just your basic flawed human beings.

I want people to forgive for my transgressions, so I can't help but think the other person wants the same thing. How could I withhold it from them and feel good about myself?

Tommyh

maybe so,maybe no

thats not a real situation,it is what it was
I had to come ot the point where I had to try to see what my parents went thru before I was born.Both suffered a lot emotionally and in other ways

so,I figure they both did the best they could considering what Little I really knew


my job was to love them as best I could.

be glad you got parents,both of mine are gone