How to forgive and accept being raised in a dysfunctional family
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I grew up with a mother who got drunk every night.
I would beg her to stop, but she never did it and never sought help.
My dad (my stepdad, who had legally adopted me) didn't have the backbone to intervene and protect his children.
He was a very creditable drinker himself and, more importantly, he was maladapted to life generally.
He was good at the part of being a parent who required hard work and diligent studying (thank, God, I certainly needed that prodding), but he lacked the nurturing gene.
He didn't lead by example in much of anything, except hard work.
He was a hot-head - always angry about something, in disputes with our neighbors, etc.
I forgave them (in my mind) after I had been sober a while.
My mother actually apologized at some point.
They're dead now and the only time I think about them is in rather frequent dreams which involve confrontations with them.
Were they doing their best?
I just don't know, but I have let it go.
I would beg her to stop, but she never did it and never sought help.
My dad (my stepdad, who had legally adopted me) didn't have the backbone to intervene and protect his children.
He was a very creditable drinker himself and, more importantly, he was maladapted to life generally.
He was good at the part of being a parent who required hard work and diligent studying (thank, God, I certainly needed that prodding), but he lacked the nurturing gene.
He didn't lead by example in much of anything, except hard work.
He was a hot-head - always angry about something, in disputes with our neighbors, etc.
I forgave them (in my mind) after I had been sober a while.
My mother actually apologized at some point.
They're dead now and the only time I think about them is in rather frequent dreams which involve confrontations with them.
Were they doing their best?
I just don't know, but I have let it go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by SoberCAH 
I grew up with a mother who got drunk every night.
I would beg her to stop, but she never did it and never sought help.
My dad (my stepdad, who had legally adopted me) didn't have the backbone to intervene and protect his children.
He was a very creditable drinker himself and, more importantly, he was maladapted to life generally.
He was good at the part of being a parent who required hard work and diligent studying (thank, God, I certainly needed that prodding), but he lacked the nurturing gene.
He didn't lead by example in much of anything, except hard work.
He was a hot-head - always angry about something, in disputes with our neighbors, etc.
I forgave them (in my mind) after I had been sober a while.
My mother actually apologized at some point.
They're dead now and the only time I think about them is in rather frequent dreams which involve confrontations with them.
Were they doing their best?
I just don't know, but I have let it go.
I would beg her to stop, but she never did it and never sought help.
My dad (my stepdad, who had legally adopted me) didn't have the backbone to intervene and protect his children.
He was a very creditable drinker himself and, more importantly, he was maladapted to life generally.
He was good at the part of being a parent who required hard work and diligent studying (thank, God, I certainly needed that prodding), but he lacked the nurturing gene.
He didn't lead by example in much of anything, except hard work.
He was a hot-head - always angry about something, in disputes with our neighbors, etc.
I forgave them (in my mind) after I had been sober a while.
My mother actually apologized at some point.
They're dead now and the only time I think about them is in rather frequent dreams which involve confrontations with them.
Were they doing their best?
I just don't know, but I have let it go.
I know parents who let their kids drink at 11 that’s terrible parenting. I couldn’t forgive that.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
It's been a lifelong process for me.
Not only that, complex trauma is a thing. We think trauma is from a big event, like an accident or being in war or almost drowning. Or a series of events that are identifiable, like physical or sexual or even severe emotional abuse.
Complex trauma is more like a thousand tiny cuts rather than a slashing wound. In my case it stemmed from many causes, mostly that the rest of my family are very similar to each other and function well together, and I was always the odd one out. My father was also emotionally abusive for a lot of reasons, not the least because of my sexuality, but there was far more to it than that. My sibling and mother enabled him. I've forgiven my father, and my work in therapy enabled me to speak to my brother about my resentments to he and my mother for leaving me in the cold with my father's abuse. He told me something I didn't know, that when I was about 8-9 my mother confronted my father and told him that if he didn't become kinder to me, she was going to leave him. Wish I'd known that years ago, and this knowledge helped me to forgive them as well.
I believe that the 4th Step can go a long way towards healing family trauma, but the addiction guru that ran my treatment program felt that the best way to heal these kinds of wounds is one on one psychodynamic therapy. My experience agrees with this 100%.
Not only that, complex trauma is a thing. We think trauma is from a big event, like an accident or being in war or almost drowning. Or a series of events that are identifiable, like physical or sexual or even severe emotional abuse.
Complex trauma is more like a thousand tiny cuts rather than a slashing wound. In my case it stemmed from many causes, mostly that the rest of my family are very similar to each other and function well together, and I was always the odd one out. My father was also emotionally abusive for a lot of reasons, not the least because of my sexuality, but there was far more to it than that. My sibling and mother enabled him. I've forgiven my father, and my work in therapy enabled me to speak to my brother about my resentments to he and my mother for leaving me in the cold with my father's abuse. He told me something I didn't know, that when I was about 8-9 my mother confronted my father and told him that if he didn't become kinder to me, she was going to leave him. Wish I'd known that years ago, and this knowledge helped me to forgive them as well.
I believe that the 4th Step can go a long way towards healing family trauma, but the addiction guru that ran my treatment program felt that the best way to heal these kinds of wounds is one on one psychodynamic therapy. My experience agrees with this 100%.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
It's been a lifelong process for me.
Not only that, complex trauma is a thing. We think trauma is from a big event, like an accident or being in war or almost drowning. Or a series of events that are identifiable, like physical or sexual or even severe emotional abuse.
Complex trauma is more like a thousand tiny cuts rather than a slashing wound. In my case it stemmed from many causes, mostly that the rest of my family are very similar to each other and function well together, and I was always the odd one out. My father was also emotionally abusive for a lot of reasons, not the least because of my sexuality, but there was far more to it than that. My sibling and mother enabled him. I've forgiven my father, and my work in therapy enabled me to speak to my brother about my resentments to he and my mother for leaving me in the cold with my father's abuse. He told me something I didn't know, that when I was about 8-9 my mother confronted my father and told him that if he didn't become kinder to me, she was going to leave him. Wish I'd known that years ago, and this knowledge helped me to forgive them as well.
I believe that the 4th Step can go a long way towards healing family trauma, but the addiction guru that ran my treatment program felt that the best way to heal these kinds of wounds is one on one psychodynamic therapy. My experience agrees with this 100%.
Not only that, complex trauma is a thing. We think trauma is from a big event, like an accident or being in war or almost drowning. Or a series of events that are identifiable, like physical or sexual or even severe emotional abuse.
Complex trauma is more like a thousand tiny cuts rather than a slashing wound. In my case it stemmed from many causes, mostly that the rest of my family are very similar to each other and function well together, and I was always the odd one out. My father was also emotionally abusive for a lot of reasons, not the least because of my sexuality, but there was far more to it than that. My sibling and mother enabled him. I've forgiven my father, and my work in therapy enabled me to speak to my brother about my resentments to he and my mother for leaving me in the cold with my father's abuse. He told me something I didn't know, that when I was about 8-9 my mother confronted my father and told him that if he didn't become kinder to me, she was going to leave him. Wish I'd known that years ago, and this knowledge helped me to forgive them as well.
I believe that the 4th Step can go a long way towards healing family trauma, but the addiction guru that ran my treatment program felt that the best way to heal these kinds of wounds is one on one psychodynamic therapy. My experience agrees with this 100%.
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